DP doesn't think DS is disabled enough for a disabled parking space

[TheSoapyFrog]

Yesterday we; me, DP, DS1 and DS2 (both 7) went to the park for the afternoon. DS 1 is autistic and has learning disabilities as well as hypermobility. He receives both components of DLA and has a blue badge.
I spotted two empty disabled parking spaces near the entrance and said we should park in one of them. DP drove over, but started backing into a regular parking space. I asked what he was doing and he said we should let someone who is properly disabled and in a wheelchair have the spaces.
He then stops the car and says that there isn't enough room for DS to get out in the regular space so we should get out now before he parks up.
I was really quite taken aback by his stupidity and told him this is exactly one of the reasons why DS has a blue badge; because there isn't enough room to get out in a regular space. He is disabled and they don't just give out blue badges to anyone who asks. I filled out forms and provided a lot of evidence. No, DS doesn't have a wheelchair but what the hell does he think the wagon that we pull DS1 around in is for?!

These weren't even the only disabled parking spaces in the car park, although I don't think DP was aware. But these were the ones nearest to the main entrance. The usual disabled parking bay has been blocked off due to new facilities being built.

Was I being unreasonable and should we have left the spaces for someone more disabled?

I started a thread last week after taking a load of abuse when parking in a disabled spot and being challenged quite nastily by someone before I’d even had a chance to display the badge. You seem to have the opposite problem, but it’s the same kind of mindset - of course your DS is disabled and that’s why he has the badge - as someone commented upthread, contrary to popular belief, they are very difficult to get as councils have tightened up on eligibility. The problem is that there is a certain mindset in some people who just don’t believe someone is disabled unless the disability is obvious, physical and in some way connected with walking difficulties. It sounds as though your DP is of this mindset and it may help if you make him aware that disability benefits and blue badge scheme were opened up to people with mental health and other ‘hidden’ disabilities because it was finally recognised that these conditions DO cause problems, and yes, having a parking concession WILL help. I tend to agree with pp’s that the fact DS is not your DP’s son probably does factor into it - if he was living with you and your DS was familiar with the other aspects of his condition on a day to day basis, he would think differently.

And for those, including the wheelchair user upthread, who think that the OP should have left the space free for someone ‘more disabled’ - just no. You have a badge for a reason and you’ve stated that quite eloquently in your posts. Your son has no awareness of danger - that’s reason enough so why put him through added difficulty when you’re just as entitled to park somewhere so he doesn’t have to struggle. He may not struggle as much as a wheelchair user, but that’s not the point - he still struggles, so use it, and if anyone challenges you, do what I intend to do from now on - tell them to go and boil their head. And sorry, but that includes DP - he needs to be educated.

@karmakameleon

People never say this about non blue badge parking spaces do they?

“The car park at the supermarket is always so busy. I know I’ll take the bus today, save those parking spaces for someone who really needs it.”

Stupid comparison. Disabled spaces are, unfortunately, very limited and there are often not enough to go round. Often not even 1% of spaces are disabled bays. If the supermarket car park is busy, an able-bodied person can park elsewhere and walk up. If there are two disabled bays and they're occupied, then that's someone unable to get their shopping done.

It's not a simple black/white situation.

It really is a simple black and white situation. The child has a blue badge. The family can park in a blue badge space. Nothing else to think about, except if they have a preference for another space.

@BoredZelda

My mum is disabled and wheelchair bound

Wheelchair user. Your mother is a wheelchair user.

No. Being a wheelchair user, and being confined to one are two different things. And by the way - so patronising !!

Stupid comparison. Disabled spaces are, unfortunately, very limited and there are often not enough to go round. Often not even 1% of spaces are disabled bays. If the supermarket car park is busy, an able-bodied person can park elsewhere and walk up. If there are two disabled bays and they're occupied, then that's someone unable to get their shopping done.

But why is a stupid comparison? Some car parks are always busy. Some one else may not be able to park elsewhere and walk up. If you can, why would you feel entitled to take up one of the precious spaces?

It's just about being considerate and gauging whether or not your 'entitlement' is likely to end up ruining someone else's day.

It was inconsiderate of DP to overrule a carer's judgment about what she and her DS needed. He overstepped. Something could easily have gone wrong that he wasn't even aware of, that could ruin the OP's/DS's day or more of their days.

What happened to just thinking about other people?

Indeed, how was he thinking of the OP or her DS? It wasn't his place to decide that they didn't need the space. That's very entitled behaviour on his part and if he does a lot of that I would be stepping back and having a think about his role in my life and my DCs.

Only she truly knows deep down how much extra effort that required compared to using a disabled bay.

Exactly. Her DP doesn't know and he doesn't have the right to decide for her.

she feels her partner is downplaying the child's disability in general.

It doesn't matter what he thinks about the child's disability in general. On this occasion he overrode the OP's judgement about her own child's needs and her own needs. Even if he was right about the child's disability in general he still had no right to overrule her.

He was in the wrong, pure and simple.

@karmakameleon

Stupid comparison. Disabled spaces are, unfortunately, very limited and there are often not enough to go round. Often not even 1% of spaces are disabled bays. If the supermarket car park is busy, an able-bodied person can park elsewhere and walk up. If there are two disabled bays and they're occupied, then that's someone unable to get their shopping done.

But why is a stupid comparison? Some car parks are always busy. Some one else may not be able to park elsewhere and walk up. If you can, why would you feel entitled to take up one of the precious spaces?

Because chances of just two disabled bays being taken are far higher than the chances of an entire car park of hundreds of spaces being taken?

Do you just love to be contrary or something?

There are never enough disabled bays to go round, full stop. It's highly likely that taking one is going to mean someone else can't. That doesn't mean you don't have the right to take one, but it would be reasonable not to take one if it can feasibly be avoided.

How is this such a challenge?

[quote Rozziie]@karmakameleon so what, though? Someone who has the ability to avoid taking up a disabled space should do so, full stop. If they were able to get out of the car safely without it, then how much did they really need that space?

I hate this entitled attitude that just because you can do something, that you should. I hate it with people refusing to wear masks on trains ("it's not the law"), I hate it everywhere. It's selfish. What happened to just thinking about other people?[/quote]
Understand the point you’re making but many disabled people who may, to others, seem to be able to manage, are unable to get out of a car without opening the door wide. Unfortunately disabled spaces are the only ones which are wide enough to open a door fully. It’s not selfishness, it’s necessity and before disabled people turn on others with a disability, let’s not forget that most of the selfishness comes from CF’s parking without a badge at all.

I have a blue badge and I will park in a blue bay if there's one available and I don't think about whether 'someone more disabled' might come to the car park and need it more than me, I am doing nothing wrong. It took me a bloody long time to get my blue badge and I will use it as I see fit

• Because chances of just two disabled bays being taken are far higher than the chances of an entire car park of hundreds of spaces being taken?

Do you just love to be contrary or something?

There are never enough disabled bays to go round, full stop. It's highly likely that taking one is going to mean someone else can't. That doesn't mean you don't have the right to take one, but it would be reasonable not to take one if it can feasibly be avoided.

How is this such a challenge?*

There are plenty of car parks that we regularly use that are always full (popular local attractions). The etiquette is first come, first served but according to your logic people should park elsewhere and leave the spaces in case others need them more, right?

I think the circumstances you describe are exactly why your DS needs a blue badge and space.

I drive a relative alot who has a blue badge and there's no way she or I would have begrudged you that space even if it meant we couldn't park.

It isn’t the fault of the blue badge holders that their aren’t enough spaces.

If a disabled space is free and Ds is with me I am parking in it. If it isn’t I will judge the best options (including going elsewhere/home if needed) and if it’s a regular issue contact the company to suggest they need more

I would no more not park in one in case someone “more disabled” needed it than I would expect someone “less disabled” to leave it for us.

YANBU, it's ableism and common, even amongst disabled people who struggle to accept their own limitations. He needs some education on hidden disabilities.

@RedHelenB

I think yabu because between the two of you your ds didn't need the space. If there was just ds and one of you then yes, use the space.

I think you’re talking shite !! What difference does it make whether there’s one or two people with DS. One of them would be driving, so how does that help ?

What should people do? Should there be a scale of how disabled someone is to decide who gets priority?

The OP's child is entitled to use the space. The OP's partner has not been to any of his appointments etc. The OP is his mum and has been there from diagnosis. I would trust the OP more to make a judgement on whether he needs to use the space or not.

My son has hypermobility and absence seizures in which he stops often in the middle of car parks unable to move for up to a minute. This puts him and his siblings at risk but we've never applied for a blue badge because a) they are so strict and b) people's opinions on who should have one and use one. I never want my son to hear that shit

YANBU. Disabled bays are there for such a wide amount of reasons. It's not just people in wheelchairs. People can look perfectly healthy on the outside and need one for one reason or another. Some people cannot walk that far, some are ill without visibly looking ill, some people need the extra space etc.

Your husbands attitude is what puts me off applying for DS. He has similar needs to your son but I haven't applied for one yet.

They just don't give them out. Make use of the spaces.

I hate the attitude that the spaces are for wheelchair uses only. Yes it's a big part of it but so many people need them without a wheelchair! My grandmother doesn't have a wheel chair (probably should use one tbf) but she is has serious mobility problems and cannot walk far at all. It's pretty obvious when you see her try and walk she is struggling. She can't stand up straight but just proving the point about the wheelchairs.

It’s interesting how lots of posters have said that the lack of availability of blue badge spaces is a problem, but instead of suggesting that we should have more, the solution is that blue badge holders should leave the ones that do exist for others who are ‘more disabled’. This conveniently would leave lots of empty blue badge spaces and people who design car parks wouldn’t need to allocate any more. Doesn’t really help disabled people in the long run does it?

@karmakameleon

It’s interesting how lots of posters have said that the lack of availability of blue badge spaces is a problem, but instead of suggesting that we should have more, the solution is that blue badge holders should leave the ones that do exist for others who are ‘more disabled’. This conveniently would leave lots of empty blue badge spaces and people who design car parks wouldn’t need to allocate any more. Doesn’t really help disabled people in the long run does it?

This👏👏👏

any worry that a wheelchair bound person

Wheelchair user, not wheelchair bound.

She can't get out of it without help. She is nota wheelchair user, it's not some choice she's made

The wheelchair is what gives her the capability to move about. Describe it as you wish, just be aware that the vast majority of wheelchair users will find it very jarring. What you call “prim” is actually just using more acceptable language.

And nobody “chooses” to use a wheelchair.

but it would be reasonable not to take one if it can feasibly be avoided.

It would also be reasonable to have a better provision for people with disabilities. It would be reasonable if people didn’t expect the disabled community to have to do things which are more difficult for themselves to make up for the fact provision is poor. It would be reasonable for people to accept if the OP has gone through the difficult process of getting a blue badge and been awarded one, she is entitled to the space and there is no argument to that.

If the OPs partner hasn't bothered to educate himself about her son's needs, he shouldn't get to have any say in any decisions around his care.

@BoredZelda

And nobody “chooses” to use a wheelchair.

That's bs. I can still walk about but I could choose to use a wheelchair to make my life easier, so I have done. It's a choice I made.

I am not wheelchair bound.

I am not in a wheelchair.

I could feasibly avoid a disabled space on the way in to the supermarket but by the time I come out I’d need one.

What am I supposed to do?