DP doesn't think DS is disabled enough for a disabled parking space

[TheSoapyFrog]

Yesterday we; me, DP, DS1 and DS2 (both 7) went to the park for the afternoon. DS 1 is autistic and has learning disabilities as well as hypermobility. He receives both components of DLA and has a blue badge.
I spotted two empty disabled parking spaces near the entrance and said we should park in one of them. DP drove over, but started backing into a regular parking space. I asked what he was doing and he said we should let someone who is properly disabled and in a wheelchair have the spaces.
He then stops the car and says that there isn't enough room for DS to get out in the regular space so we should get out now before he parks up.
I was really quite taken aback by his stupidity and told him this is exactly one of the reasons why DS has a blue badge; because there isn't enough room to get out in a regular space. He is disabled and they don't just give out blue badges to anyone who asks. I filled out forms and provided a lot of evidence. No, DS doesn't have a wheelchair but what the hell does he think the wagon that we pull DS1 around in is for?!

These weren't even the only disabled parking spaces in the car park, although I don't think DP was aware. But these were the ones nearest to the main entrance. The usual disabled parking bay has been blocked off due to new facilities being built.

Was I being unreasonable and should we have left the spaces for someone more disabled?

@Viviennemary

If somebody can manage on a certain occasion and thus leave the space for somebody who absolutely can't then its a kind gesture.

No one should need to 'manage'. They have a BB to make their lives easier.

I'm sure there are lots of people who could manage not to use a car to go somewhere thus freeing up an ordinary space for someone who needs it more.
Funny how it is only people with disabilities who are expected to manage.

@Rozziie Sorry if I caused offence, didn’t mean to and thought I made that clear in my post. And I HAVE come out of a cubicle with a terrible smell and had to clean up and do the best with my clothes in a standard loo - with everyone watching. The disabled loo was occupied, as it turned out with a mother changing her baby. I have a colostomy bag and it burst while I was waiting for the disabled loo - I’m in a wheelchair and can’t use a standard one. I’ve had a stoma for bladder and bowel all my life, and I asked the question from a genuinely ignorant viewpoint because I don’t know what it’s like to have a ‘normal’ bowel or bladder problem.

I am in both camps but that's because I can be, you son always needs the extra space to get out however when my son was 7 I used the parent and child spaces or parked further away so there was space round me and how no one parked next to me, I could also carry him at 7 up until he was 11 in fact... from 11 to 16 we where house bound (well also covid) now I am afraid if you see me park in a disabled space and 2 adults get out an walk, this might not be the case when we come back so I will be using that space. If he is with me a refusing to leave the car I will park in a normal space.
What I wish is for something like the parent and child spaces for adults with blue badges with the space round them but not necessarily right outside the place the car park serves as often we don't need to be on top of the facility although anyone who has spent 1:20 minutes moving an autistic 14 year old 5 metres into a hospital will appreciate sometimes we do.

I think the problem with AiBU is many people who will answer, think they know what autism is and that a good hiding or speaking firmly will help, and don't realise how complexed the condition is and that it does have physical implications two.
But your husband was being a dick because in his effort to not inconvenience people he caused you and your son to have to get out of the car in a place which placed you in danger and by doing so is inconveniencing anyone else driving in the carpark!
Honestly I have used a disabled space to disembark when only a couple are available and then moved! Would this have been so hard. I suspect he has an issue with the diagnosis and has not accepted it.

Sounds like DP doesn't understand or respect your DS's disability. Has he expressed this attitude before (in other situations)? I can't imagine he is very supportive if he's ignorant (as you've said) and dismissive of your child's disability.

@freelions

I don't think you or your partner were being unreasonable it was just a difference of opinion

You are obviously entitled to use a disabled space but I can understand your partner's logic in wanting to leave the space for a wheelchair user

^ Agree with this. Of course, you are also entitled to park in the disabled bays. There should be more disabled bays, no one should have to go home because they can’t park.

@upthekyber

I am in both camps but that's because I can be, you son always needs the extra space to get out however when my son was 7 I used the parent and child spaces or parked further away so there was space round me and how no one parked next to me, I could also carry him at 7 up until he was 11 in fact... from 11 to 16 we where house bound (well also covid) now I am afraid if you see me park in a disabled space and 2 adults get out an walk, this might not be the case when we come back so I will be using that space. If he is with me a refusing to leave the car I will park in a normal space. What I wish is for something like the parent and child spaces for adults with blue badges with the space round them but not necessarily right outside the place the car park serves as often we don't need to be on top of the facility although anyone who has spent 1:20 minutes moving an autistic 14 year old 5 metres into a hospital will appreciate sometimes we do.

I think the problem with AiBU is many people who will answer, think they know what autism is and that a good hiding or speaking firmly will help, and don't realise how complexed the condition is and that it does have physical implications two.
But your husband was being a dick because in his effort to not inconvenience people he caused you and your son to have to get out of the car in a place which placed you in danger and by doing so is inconveniencing anyone else driving in the carpark!
Honestly I have used a disabled space to disembark when only a couple are available and then moved! Would this have been so hard. I suspect he has an issue with the diagnosis and has not accepted it.

I think are just going to make do with what we have, tbh my severely autistic non verbal son doesnt generally need space around the car but we do need to be close to the shop, and then there are going to be children/adults who need to be close tothe shops and space around the car its a mine field, we need more disabled spaces full stop.

Just because I have an entitlement to do something doesn't make it the right thing to do in all circumstances

Absolutely this.

Of course, you are also entitled to park in the disabled bays. There should be more disabled bays, no one should have to go home because they can’t park.

This. Trying to trump disabilities doesn’t benefit anyone. Car park planners who see empty disabled bays won’t consider that disabled people are ‘being considerate’ - they’ll just see empty bays and assume more are not needed.

@turnthebiglightoff

Just because I have an entitlement to do something doesn't make it the right thing to do in all circumstances

Absolutely this.

Which could be solved with more planning in carparks so that all disabled adults and children are able to park safely, not a hierarchy of disabilities.

@Rosscameasdoody

Of course, you are also entitled to park in the disabled bays. There should be more disabled bays, no one should have to go home because they can’t park.

This. Trying to trump disabilities doesn’t benefit anyone. Car park planners who see empty disabled bays won’t consider that disabled people are ‘being considerate’ - they’ll just see empty bays and assume more are not needed.

I think we are both trying to say the same thing, disabillity top trumps helps no one.

Can see both sides.

My ds has a blue badge as he also cannot get out of the car in narrow spaces!

If we go to beach and an end space is available we will use it and leave the 5 disabled spaces free for those who need wider spaces/ have WAV. We also benefit from free parking with BB at beach so I'm already doing well!

In the multi-storey car park/ supermarket car parks he has a cats chance in hell of getting out and there is many more spaces so we use the disabled bays.

I won't be stopping and kicking him out to park as we have a BB so in those cases where that would be necessary I'd use a disabled bay.

So in your case yesterday your DP IBU.

But his general thought process is fine. Also don't forget is there is wider P and C spaces you can still use those as your twins are younger. That also keeps a disabled bay free.

@Rosscameasdoody
I have inflammatory bowel disease, and have developed a fistula, which is an abnormal tunnel where it shouldn’t be. Having IBD means a higher chance of anal abscesses which can cause fistulas, that’s what happened to me. Mine starts just inside my anus and comes out just next to my vaginal opening. I think of it as a fourth hole It’s kept open with a piece of plastic which prevents pus build up, and therefore another abscess. But as you can imagine it’s constantly draining, pus and other stuff! Also the plastic causes friction and frequent skin problems. As does the pus. I wash with dry wipes and E45, but need water to keep clean. Wet wipes make the whole area much worse. So I need the disabled toilet, sometimes it takes ages to get everything clean.

However, if I’m leaving the house and know I’ll only be gone a few hours, I’ll have a clean up before I leave. And as it’s only a few hours I’d use an ordinary stall just for a pee in that time. Longer, at work, travelling, etc., I’d use the disabled.

I agree with everything you said about BBs. They are the leveller. There are no gradients of disability, you need the space, you use the space.

[quote Matildalamp]@Rosscameasdoody
I have inflammatory bowel disease, and have developed a fistula, which is an abnormal tunnel where it shouldn’t be. Having IBD means a higher chance of anal abscesses which can cause fistulas, that’s what happened to me. Mine starts just inside my anus and comes out just next to my vaginal opening. I think of it as a fourth hole It’s kept open with a piece of plastic which prevents pus build up, and therefore another abscess. But as you can imagine it’s constantly draining, pus and other stuff! Also the plastic causes friction and frequent skin problems. As does the pus. I wash with dry wipes and E45, but need water to keep clean. Wet wipes make the whole area much worse. So I need the disabled toilet, sometimes it takes ages to get everything clean.

However, if I’m leaving the house and know I’ll only be gone a few hours, I’ll have a clean up before I leave. And as it’s only a few hours I’d use an ordinary stall just for a pee in that time. Longer, at work, travelling, etc., I’d use the disabled.

I agree with everything you said about BBs. They are the leveller. There are no gradients of disability, you need the space, you use the space.[/quote]
I know about fistulas. Don’t have to deal with one myself but have been warned about the possibility due to my condition. I really feel for you, because just having the stomas I know how difficult these things are to keep on top of, and sometimes, it’s just bloody exhausting !! This is why I asked the question about the hidden disabilities in relation to the disabled loo. I think if disabled facilities were adequate, we probably wouldn’t be having this discussion, and that would be a shame because although certain aspects may be embarrassing, sites like this provide anonymity to help to get things out in the open and hopefully enlighten people. Thank you so much for sharing - very brave of you.🌷

@Viviennemary

If somebody can manage on a certain occasion and thus leave the space for somebody who absolutely can't then its a kind gesture.

The OP is not being unreasonable at all. Blue badge holders can park in any space that helps them.

I try to park in the furthest away yellow space I can. I need the wider spaces to get out of the car and off load my wheelchair. However I use a powerchair, so being a bit further away doesn't matter to me.

Whereas the OP needs to be closer to the door to get her son safely inside.

@Darthwader

I think he made the right call. You managed fine between the pair of you and did not require the disabled space so it was nice to leave them for people who could not manage without them. OK, you had to get out of the car before your DH pulled into the space but did that matter?

Of course it did!

@Rozziie

I think your husband is mostly right. You don't have to park in a disabled space just because you can. Your son getting out of the car before your husband parked up (with your help) isn't that much of a hardship. A disabled person alone in a car would not have the option to do that, so it would ruin their day out to arrive and discover they literally couldn't park at all.

You might actually want to read the OP’s posts

My DS is 4 and we’ve had BB and high rate mobility since age 3 as he is blind. Actually we’ve managed to get these things quite easily as vision impairment can be measured and under a certain range you are generally automatically eligible so I’m ‘fortunate’ we’ve not endured some of the battles others have had as with no vision at all it’s clearly within the SSI criteria.

This thread had me thinking about disability heirarchy though. I had not really thought about it but I guess I do this a bit. I will make a judgment about what space to use depending on the car park. Will always use P&C space first though.

I suppose as DS is still little and not walking much (he refuses a lot, I think due to confidence in unfamiliar places), I still carry him or use the pushchair, so I feel like the BB helps ‘me’ rather than DS (at the moment he has the same experience no matter where we park). And because I’m not the one who is disabled, I sometimes feel like I should manage with any extra effort if it helps leave space for someone with more needs than me.

However I think as DS is my only child, the extra effort is just my norm and I don’t fully realise how much easier it would be with a typical sighted child and that it’s ok to make something easier for me as his carer, if I don’t have to carry him as far for example .

And at some point, not sure when as development is slower, I do know DS will need space around him for opening doors and getting out, and also the safety of not having to be guided through car parks and their road furniture. So I fully expected to use the spaces all the time once he actually needed it directly. But I’m going to be easier on myself after reading this thread and allow myself to use something that will make things easier for me too and see it for the leveller that it is.

Just to add I often feel on edge that I’m going to be challenged on why we are using the space (even with BB on display) as we probably don’t look like we have an obvious need at the moment. I even have a response prepared. But threads like this show many people still think even with a BB you shouldn’t always use the space, so just reinforces why I feel someday we will be challenged!

My grandfather is blind and uses a white cane and my grandmother says they used to get funny looks in BB spaces when they were younger (he lost his sight in his 40s). She once grabbed his white cane before helping him out the car and waved it at someone glaring at her for pulling into a BB space in an attempt to show that she had a disabled passenger and was entitled to the space. The glaring person then gave her an earful about how blind people shouldn't be allowed to drive

Now they're in their 80s no-one bats an eyelid at them using a BB space anymore.

@Rainy1252. You make a good point. The BB is not just intended for the disabled person - it’s designed to make their carers’ lives easier too, so please don’t ever feel as though you’re doing something wrong. I said somewhere upthread that as a wheelchair user, I feel I can afford to park further away from the entrances because physical difficulties with moving around - for whatever reason - should be the priority if anything and as long as I can find a wide BB space to deal with the chair, I’m fine. I don’t think of this as a hierarchy as such and I can kind of see what some on the thread are suggesting as courtesy, but I think expecting a BB holder to park in a standard space to allow a BB for some theoretically more deserving person is daft. Sorry.

@FeedMeSantiago

My grandfather is blind and uses a white cane and my grandmother says they used to get funny looks in BB spaces when they were younger (he lost his sight in his 40s). She once grabbed his white cane before helping him out the car and waved it at someone glaring at her for pulling into a BB space in an attempt to show that she had a disabled passenger and was entitled to the space. The glaring person then gave her an earful about how blind people shouldn't be allowed to drive

Now they're in their 80s no-one bats an eyelid at them using a BB space anymore.

As I said earlier in this thread, my mum is blind and has a blue badge. I haven't had the same experience as you, but wouldn't be at all surprised if that had happened. They are in their 80's now, so like you say, people are more understanding.

To be honest my dad needs it more. He was partially sighted, but it's got a lot worse now. He is totally unaware of his surroundings sometimes and we have to almost physically stop him swinging the car door open regardless of what or who is in the vicinity. I think most people would prefer he did that away from their lovely cars.

@FeedMeSantiago. I think there’s a perception that if you’re young, there’s no need for a badge. I’ve noticed that as I’ve got older, the challengers have become less, and that’s despite being in a wheelchair - more and more I’m finding that challengers come barrelling over before I’m even out of the car. Even worse is when I have my friend or my partner with me - they’re generally first out of the car to help with the wheelchair and I’ve lost count of the number of times they’ve had a barrage of abuse before the challenger realises they’re the ‘carer’. I’ve also been challenged before I’ve had time to display the badge - can’t be arsed explaining any more that it’s a parking badge and not meant to be displayed until you’ve parked. That, together with the concept that some people with disabilities shouldn’t be allowed to drive at all (I’ve had that too, when challengers have seen my wheelchair, despite the car being adapted), I find really depressing. It seems that there will always be those whose attitude to disability is stuck in the last century.

Rainy1252 you shouldn't think twice about using the space. Maybe it's my age, but I would almost relish the opportunity to put someone right if they had a go.

The thing is you had two adults so didn't really need the extra space as one could get out with DS before the other parked so I can see you DH's point. If you or DH were on your own with your DC then that is different as you would need the space so that the driver could park before supervising DS as he left the car

@knittingaddict. Do you feel that too ?!! In the dim distant past, I used to meekly answer people’s questions if I was challenged - when I think back it was almost as if I believed I was doing something wrong !! As I’ve got older I have less patience and I just show them the badge and explain that they have no right to question why I have the badge, unless they are parking or traffic enforcement officers, or the police. I’ve also found that since the pandemic, people are nosier - they actually think you owe them an explanation of your medical condition. The same type of people who demand to know why you’re not wearing a mask even though you have an exemption lanyard. They get short shrift these days.