DP doesn't think DS is disabled enough for a disabled parking space

[TheSoapyFrog]

Yesterday we; me, DP, DS1 and DS2 (both 7) went to the park for the afternoon. DS 1 is autistic and has learning disabilities as well as hypermobility. He receives both components of DLA and has a blue badge.
I spotted two empty disabled parking spaces near the entrance and said we should park in one of them. DP drove over, but started backing into a regular parking space. I asked what he was doing and he said we should let someone who is properly disabled and in a wheelchair have the spaces.
He then stops the car and says that there isn't enough room for DS to get out in the regular space so we should get out now before he parks up.
I was really quite taken aback by his stupidity and told him this is exactly one of the reasons why DS has a blue badge; because there isn't enough room to get out in a regular space. He is disabled and they don't just give out blue badges to anyone who asks. I filled out forms and provided a lot of evidence. No, DS doesn't have a wheelchair but what the hell does he think the wagon that we pull DS1 around in is for?!

These weren't even the only disabled parking spaces in the car park, although I don't think DP was aware. But these were the ones nearest to the main entrance. The usual disabled parking bay has been blocked off due to new facilities being built.

Was I being unreasonable and should we have left the spaces for someone more disabled?

Neither of you are unreasonable, OP. Your partner was being considerate to others but you made the judgment call that you needed the disabled space, and as a blue badge holder you’re obviously entitled to parking there. I don’t agree with your judgment of him being ignorant - he thought you would be able to manage better than someone with MS for example. My sister can’t use either of her legs and only one arm remotely works (she has a specially adapted vehicle that she’s allowed to drive). If she doesn’t have enough space to get out of vehicle she has to go home, it’s that simple. Maybe your partner was thinking of people like her, and that is being very considerate.

@Vallmo47

Neither of you are unreasonable, OP. Your partner was being considerate to others but you made the judgment call that you needed the disabled space, and as a blue badge holder you’re obviously entitled to parking there. I don’t agree with your judgment of him being ignorant - he thought you would be able to manage better than someone with MS for example. My sister can’t use either of her legs and only one arm remotely works (she has a specially adapted vehicle that she’s allowed to drive). If she doesn’t have enough space to get out of vehicle she has to go home, it’s that simple. Maybe your partner was thinking of people like her, and that is being very considerate.

Have you read the thread? 🙄

Once more with feeling - the Blue Badge is the leveller. The eligibility rules below are from the YouGov website:

People who may get a Blue Badge
You may be eligible for a badge if one or more of the following applies:

you cannot walk at all
you cannot walk without help from someone else or using mobility aids
you find walking very difficult due to pain, breathlessness or the time it takes
walking is dangerous to your health and safety
you have a terminal illness, which means you cannot walk or find walking very difficult and have a DS1500 form
you have a severe disability in both arms and drive regularly, but cannot operate pay-and-display parking machines
you have a child under the age of 3 with a medical condition that means the child always needs to be accompanied by bulky medical equipment
you have a child under the age of 3 with a medical condition that means the child must always be kept near a vehicle in case they need emergency medical treatment
you are constantly a significant risk to yourself or others near vehicles, in traffic or car parks
you struggle severely to plan or follow a journey
you find it difficult or impossible to control your actions and lack awareness of the impact you could have on others
you regularly have intense and overwhelming responses to situations causing temporary loss of behavioural control
you frequently become extremely anxious or fearful of public/open spaces

No disability top trumps here - it all qualifies equally.

This thread is batshit as most threads surrounding the issues with any perceived ‘perk’ that a disabled person gets usually is. If you or your child have been deemed eligible for a BB then just use the space. It’s not a game of disability top trumps.

I’ve got a BB. If a space is free, I pull into it. I honestly don’t think of the person whom I might be taking it away from in ten minutes time. The world doesn’t work like that. No one who parks in a regular space thinks “ooh, Gladys might be along in a minute. She needs this space more than me so I’ll go back home and get a taxi in” do they?

There is no hierarchy of use in blue badge spaces. Those advocating it are coming from a position of ignorance of certain disabilities and probably not wanting to understand because it is too difficult for them to think it might happen to them.

Hi all,
We have made some deletions to this thread, however if we delete all the responses it will be Swiss Cheese so we will leave those.
We will take this further.
Best,
Hope

Thank you @HopeMumsnet

@TheSoapyFrog

I'll had that DS can't exit the car unaided and that on more than one occasion we've had to pay out when he's lost his footing and slammed the door into the car next to us. We usually keep him in the car until we've got his wagon and our bags out. He is a bolter with no danger awareness, so we secure him in the wagon until we're out of the carpark. Due to a genetic disorder, he's exceptionally large for his age (around the same size as a 12-13 year old) and I struggle to hold on to him sometimes.

You absolutely needed to use that space

Is DH in denial?

@TheFairyCaravan

This thread is batshit as most threads surrounding the issues with any perceived ‘perk’ that a disabled person gets usually is. If you or your child have been deemed eligible for a BB then just use the space. It’s not a game of disability top trumps.

I’ve got a BB. If a space is free, I pull into it. I honestly don’t think of the person whom I might be taking it away from in ten minutes time. The world doesn’t work like that. No one who parks in a regular space thinks “ooh, Gladys might be along in a minute. She needs this space more than me so I’ll go back home and get a taxi in” do they?

Hear! Hear!

I think (and only because there were two adults and other parking spaces available) that in your scenario I would have pulled into the Disabled space, sorted DC out and then the other adult could move the car to a smaller space, freeing up the space, however of course this relys on a Disabled space being available when you leave which can't possibly be guaranteed.

You have a blue badge and should use it if you need it. I bet you get DS out of the car alot more than DH. Perhaps he needs to practise being the one that gets DS out of the car then he might accept why you need a bigger space.

@TheFairyCaravan absolutely spot on.

God the threads about blue badge parking always bring out the twats

"however of course this relys on a Disabled space being available when you leave which can't possibly be guaranteed."

Which is why it isn't safe to do that, especially if the child needs to get back into the vehicle quickly because they are overloaded which often happens however calm they may appear when being got out.

And even if calm on return to the car having to wait while someone else gets in the car, moves it and parks it again to get it could very easily be the last straw! For DS he would panic he was being left behind no matter how much reassurance

I have a disability. It's an inflammatory bowel disease which means I often need to use the disabled loo, especially if there's a huge queue for the main loos. I would say this time sensitive need trumps any worry that a wheelchair bound person coming along after me might have to wait an extra few minutes - they're no more entitled to a priority toilet than I am. However, if I'm not having a flare-up and am feeling mostly fine, I don't use the disabled loo just because I can and because it's more pleasant and spacious. It would be unfair to make some in a wheelchair wait when I have the option to use the regular toilets and they don't

I understand your need to use a disabled toilet if there’s a queue for the loo. Maybe it’s the way you’ve worded your post, but why would you need to use the disabled toilet if there is no queue for standard toilets even if you’re having a flare up ? The disabled loos are larger and incorporate washing facilities and an emergency alarm - they’re designed primarily for disabled people who need a carer with them in the loo and for wheelchair users who would find it almost impossible to use a standard loo. I’m seeing more and more signs on disabled toilets that not all disabilities are visible and with the exception of someone with a stoma to deal with, I’m not understanding why someone who can use a standard loo with no difficulty needs to use a disabled one. My apologies if I’m missing something - more than happy to be educated.

For people with bowel issues then the cleaning facilties, and the extra privacy, in disabled toilets can be invaluable.

@Sirzy

For people with bowel issues then the cleaning facilties, and the extra privacy, in disabled toilets can be invaluable.

Yep this.

From experience there is nothing worse than having an explosive stomach in a small cubicle in a busy shopping centre. The embarrassment / teasing / people laughing etc. Just awful.

@Rosscameasdoody

I have a disability. It's an inflammatory bowel disease which means I often need to use the disabled loo, especially if there's a huge queue for the main loos. I would say this time sensitive need trumps any worry that a wheelchair bound person coming along after me might have to wait an extra few minutes - they're no more entitled to a priority toilet than I am. However, if I'm not having a flare-up and am feeling mostly fine, I don't use the disabled loo just because I can and because it's more pleasant and spacious. It would be unfair to make some in a wheelchair wait when I have the option to use the regular toilets and they don't

I understand your need to use a disabled toilet if there’s a queue for the loo. Maybe it’s the way you’ve worded your post, but why would you need to use the disabled toilet if there is no queue for standard toilets even if you’re having a flare up ? The disabled loos are larger and incorporate washing facilities and an emergency alarm - they’re designed primarily for disabled people who need a carer with them in the loo and for wheelchair users who would find it almost impossible to use a standard loo. I’m seeing more and more signs on disabled toilets that not all disabilities are visible and with the exception of someone with a stoma to deal with, I’m not understanding why someone who can use a standard loo with no difficulty needs to use a disabled one. My apologies if I’m missing something - more than happy to be educated.

I've used disabled toilets before if they're on the ground floor and the standard toilets are up a flight of stairs (or several flights) without a lift (seems to be an increasingly common set up in pubs and restaurants) if I'm having a bad day and will struggle to climb the stairs. My parents have done the same (we all have arthritis so stairs can be tricky).

I have a genetic skin disorder which means my skin is fragile and blisters whilst I walk, especially in warmer weather. These are very painful to walk on which reduces my mobility.

Before I had a reasonable adjustment to WFH on hot days I used the disabled toilet at work when my feet were blistered because it was very close to my desk and much closer than the standard toilets. This minimised the risk of worsening a blister, creating a new blister and also meant I didn't have to put with as much pain as I would have done walking to the standard toilets. Thankfully I can just WFH now when my feet or bad or the weather is scorchio.

Makes sense, hadn’t thought of it that way, thanks.

If someone is disabled and has a blue badge it is up to them (or their carer) to decide if they should use a disabled space. Others shouldn't be policing whether they're disabled enough or if others are more worthy. Same with disabled toilets. If someone has an illness/ disability it's up to them to decide.

Who on earth is anyone else to judge? Wheelchair doesn't automatically trump autism and it certainly isn't up to the public to score people in terms of most disabled or not.

My son has a blue badge. But if the P and C space is the most convenient space to help me meet his needs I will use it.

I couldn’t give a flying monkeys if a parent thinks she can’t possibly get her baby out of the car. Doing it with an older child with additional needs is an awful lot harder

Imagine being so lacking in empathy that you resent a parent using a p and c space for their disabled child.

I’m seeing more and more signs on disabled toilets that not all disabilities are visible and with the exception of someone with a stoma to deal with, I’m not understanding why someone who can use a standard loo with no difficulty needs to use a disabled one. My apologies if I’m missing something - more than happy to be educated.

DD can use a standard toilet; but:

1. She can lock herself in, and then can’t work out how to unlock it
2. She can have a seizure and fall awkwardly - and say bang her head on the toilet, or fall asleep for several hours. For reasons I don’t understand, she particularly has seizures on the toilet
3. If someone uses a hand drier or children are screaming, she shuts down mentally and it can take 2 of us half an hour to coax her out of the toilet
4. If she finishes before me, she washes her hands and leaves the ladies. She will go outside; where she is very vulnerable - she could go off with anybody. Her short term memory is non existent, and she wouldn’t remember me telling her a million times to wait inside the ladies for me!

@Rosscameasdoody

I have a disability. It's an inflammatory bowel disease which means I often need to use the disabled loo, especially if there's a huge queue for the main loos. I would say this time sensitive need trumps any worry that a wheelchair bound person coming along after me might have to wait an extra few minutes - they're no more entitled to a priority toilet than I am. However, if I'm not having a flare-up and am feeling mostly fine, I don't use the disabled loo just because I can and because it's more pleasant and spacious. It would be unfair to make some in a wheelchair wait when I have the option to use the regular toilets and they don't

I understand your need to use a disabled toilet if there’s a queue for the loo. Maybe it’s the way you’ve worded your post, but why would you need to use the disabled toilet if there is no queue for standard toilets even if you’re having a flare up ? The disabled loos are larger and incorporate washing facilities and an emergency alarm - they’re designed primarily for disabled people who need a carer with them in the loo and for wheelchair users who would find it almost impossible to use a standard loo. I’m seeing more and more signs on disabled toilets that not all disabilities are visible and with the exception of someone with a stoma to deal with, I’m not understanding why someone who can use a standard loo with no difficulty needs to use a disabled one. My apologies if I’m missing something - more than happy to be educated.

Well, it's pretty damn humiliating having explosive diarrhoea in a public loo with other women queuing? Especially if you've not managed to get there in time and have also soiled yourself and need to clean yourself up. Would you like to come out of a cubicle with a terrible smell and have to clean yourself up and try to rinse your clothes out with a queue of women staring at you? I do also often feel very faint from blood loss after this so I sometimes need to use the space to sit or lie down for a minute or two.

Not being in a wheelchair doesn't mean you can use a standard loo with 'no difficulty'. As I said, if it's not too bad and I feel like I can make do with a 'normal' toilet, I will always do so.

If somebody can manage on a certain occasion and thus leave the space for somebody who absolutely can't then its a kind gesture.