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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

'Are dads invited too?'

999 replies

SyIviescup · 31/08/2021 12:07

So the class watsap is starting to wake up. The majority are women but there a few dads floating about in it. That don't really contribute to the group at all.

There are a few of us who are friendly - not besties but enjoy going for lunch before pick up (if we can) or evening drinks/ meal out (term time as we all seem to disappear during the long summer holidays)

If we organise a play date outing such as at a play area/park ect its an open invite everyone is invited mums & dads, siblings- anyone.

But if a few of us fancy having a 'mums' night out, we have to extend it to the rest of the mums on the group, so they don't feel left out then the same two women ask if 'the dads can come too?'

Which changes the dynamics of the group. I've nothing against either blokes, they are nice, I chat to them at school but its just not the same. The last time they came, we/I was told that more male friendly/fun stuff should be organised like a night out go carting. I did say to him that he was welcome to organise that but it never came to fruition.

Im not the class rep, its not down to me to organise events that men would like, I don't know why they organise fuck all then expect to come out and sit with 10 women and then moan that they could be doing something more 'fun'.

Message this morning -

Person A - Hi every one hope you all had a great summer, a few of us are thinking about have a mums meal and drinks night out for a catch up on the xxxx, if you fancy it let me know so I can book table.

Person B - I'd love too, can dads come too.

Confused
OP posts:
MyOtherProfile · 31/08/2021 13:05

@Justilou1

I’d reply “Sure but as it’s mostly ladies, we have no intention of “changing it to a more male-friendly venue” like go-karting.” We plan on eating and drinking wine. Thanks!
What? Where did the idea of Go Karting come from? We do parent dinners and a few dads come. Plenty of blokes are happy to have dinner and a drink and wouldn't try to derail it to Go Karting!
Equalpayquery · 31/08/2021 13:05

At the same time, whilst I agree that a mixed group changes the dynamic, I’m actually more likely to go to a mixed social because I never did the whole girls only thing at uni either.

MerryHellbreakingloose · 31/08/2021 13:06

Wanting a "mums night out" isn't the issue.

The issue is using a group WhatsApp to arrange it, while purposely excluding two members.

That's poor manners.

TheSunnySide · 31/08/2021 13:06

Why are the women asking? Is it their husbands/partners they want to invite? Or just other parents?

Whatsnewpussyhat · 31/08/2021 13:06

Just because women have been oppressed for so long doesn't make it right to do it to the men

Oh ffs. Heard it all now. You think men are fucking 'oppressed' because they aren't invited to a night out were op and her friends want to enjoy female only company for a few hours.

OP you should've kept your invites personal or separate but you are perfectly entitled to a female only night out.

All the cries of 'exclusion' and 'sexism' are quite frankly ridiculous in this particular situation.

frogswimming · 31/08/2021 13:06

@MrsRobbieHart

If you aren’t inviting everyone in the group then you don’t announce the outing in the group!! You set up another group chat with just the people you want to invite

^
This.

starskey80 · 31/08/2021 13:07

Is everyone missing the point that these two men do not engage and that it is their wives asking if husbands can come too, thus changing the whole Idea of the night out.

If this wasnt a school whatsapp group and two women wouldnt go anywhere without their partners mumsnet would be losing their shit, FFS.

MyOtherProfile · 31/08/2021 13:08

The dads who come to our nights out don't do it to sit with a bunch of women. They do it to sit with a bunch of people.

PenguinWings · 31/08/2021 13:08

That would really annoy me, if they want to invite Dads then they should organise their own night.

lockdownmadnessdotcom · 31/08/2021 13:08

@Thingsthatgo

YABU. I’d be annoyed if the dads organised a go karting day or a evening in the pub and said ‘men only’.
Me too. Go-karting sounds a lot more fun than drinking gin in a pub anyway. And it's outside, which at the moment is rather more sensible.
MorrisZapp · 31/08/2021 13:09

@BoredZelda

I'm leaving mine at home I don't want to chat to yours.

So don’t chat with mine. I don’t believe there is a law that says you are forced to.

Well I'm not going to blank the guy am I? Milling around in pubs isn't a thing any more. If I'm sitting near him then of course I'll chat, I might even enjoy it if he's interesting. But my first choice would be women only.
MarieIVanArkleStinks · 31/08/2021 13:09

@MorrisZapp

Why do women want to force others to socialise with their husbands? If I'm leaving mine at home I don't want to chat to yours. I left the anti natal group meet up chat over this. The men were all nice enough but the dynamic was so bloody awkward when they were there.
You can bet your boots that if this was one about other women's husbands occupying space, say for instance, on a maternity ward overnight, because said women apparently can't function without their presence, my answer would be a hard 'no'.

I don't want to lie awake half the night and listen to my DH snoring when I'm exhausted and sore after a physically traumatising experience, let alone other people's. The other women/patients needs come over my wants to have a man around; in the circumstances I don't think it's at all appropriate. Likewise breastfeeding groups.

This is an unimportant, apolitical night at the pub. FWIW I wouldn't want to drag my husband along, but I couldn't care less if others do. There are circumstances in which men's presence would make things very awkward - and on this I am and have been very vocally opposed. I wouldn't include this apparently innocuous, uncontroversial meet-up as one of them.

starskey80 · 31/08/2021 13:09

Just reply it's Mums only as per first message OP.

karmakameleon · 31/08/2021 13:10

I really don’t see the problem here. Our school has mums’ nights out and mixed nights for every class. Some classes have dads’ nights too, depending on whether the dads can be bothered to organise them.

Keeping this chatter off the main group won’t help in this case as the men would still know about it through their partners. Usually when you set up a separate group it’s so you can be discrete, but I don’t see how that’s possible here.

GintyMcGinty · 31/08/2021 13:10

Its not rude to organise a mums night out.

It IS rude to organise a night out and talk about it in a parents group when only some of the parents are invited.

Separate WhatsApp group is needed.

Sunshineandflipflops · 31/08/2021 13:11

I never got involved with class whatsapps, other than to use them to find out important things I might have missed as a working parent (trips, school photo day, etc). I can't imagine spending my free time with a load of women I barely know, just because we have children of a similar age in common. It would probably be more bearable with a few men to be honest as large female only groups aren't really for me.

So in answer to your question - arrange nights out with your friends and leave the class WA to useful school stuff.

StrawberryLipstickStateOfMind · 31/08/2021 13:11

All the cries of 'exclusion' and 'sexism' are quite frankly ridiculous in this particular situation.

It's not exclusion or sexism at all to want a night out just with the female members of the group, but I think it's exclusion and poor manners to send the invite out on the WhatsApp group chat that includes the two dads as well.

I hate class WhatsApp groups- I've removed myself every time I've been added to them.

MrsRobbieHart · 31/08/2021 13:12

OP I’m sure you’d have an issue if Daisy handed out birthday party invitations in school to all but your child and one other child in the class and her mum said it was because your child (and the one other) changed the dynamic of the group.

Sirzy · 31/08/2021 13:12

@PenguinWings

That would really annoy me, if they want to invite Dads then they should organise their own night.
They can organise a group trip out for a group of men in a separate group.

Mums can organise a group trip out on a separate group.

Fred and Wilma can invite Barney and Betty out for tea in a separate group.

What is rude is using a group for all the parents in the class to organise something which everyone in that group isn’t free to attend if they wish

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 31/08/2021 13:12

@StrawberryLipstickStateOfMind

All the cries of 'exclusion' and 'sexism' are quite frankly ridiculous in this particular situation.

It's not exclusion or sexism at all to want a night out just with the female members of the group, but I think it's exclusion and poor manners to send the invite out on the WhatsApp group chat that includes the two dads as well.

I hate class WhatsApp groups- I've removed myself every time I've been added to them.

Amen.
MayorGoodwaysChicken · 31/08/2021 13:12

*MayorGoodwaysChicken
I think it’s best summed up by a PP:

‘Unclench’

Is this really that important?
I wouldn't want to be attending a mum's night out where the only man attending takes centre stage like a peacock. So yes, it will be important to some.*

I wouldn’t want to attend a night out where any person regardless of penis/ovaries is rude and obnoxious. Excluding all men from a school parent social event and thus perpetuating the myth that school life is for mums to manage, will not get around the fact that some people are annoying in a group situation.

Honestly why are women doing this to themselves? Get men involved and ensure they are school life as theirs as much as ours! You’re shooting yourselves in the foot by being so weird and backwards.

Snookie00 · 31/08/2021 13:12

@HotPenguin

It's rude to organise an event on a what's app group and to not invite every member of the group. I also find it weird that you want to exclude men. If a small group of you are very friendly and want to meet up without the others you should create a separate what's app.
Totally. I can’t believe anyone is defending publicly omitting two people from a WhatsApp group to an event. It’s rude and sexist.

The people defending it on the basis of structural sexism so it’s fine to exclude men are weird too. Same as those old duffers who used to complain about women in golf clubs etc. TBH I probably wouldn’t go to your ladies night as it sounds twee and like something straight out of 1965 but if you’re going to put it on a group then everyone needs to be invited. If you want a mums only night then organise a separate “exclusive” group so you can bitch about men and talk about whatever laydee chat you want.

MorrisZapp · 31/08/2021 13:13

DP goes to the pub with the football dads a few times a year. Why in the name of all that's holy would I want to join them.

Itsanewdah · 31/08/2021 13:13

Are there single dads, SaHDs or m/m couples in the group? if yes (and both if my kids have at least 4-5 kids in their class that fall under this) you are extremely unreasonable as you are excluding some children’s parents from the group.

otherwise your are quite rude and very strange - what are you planning to do / discuss that would make it inappropriate for dads to be there???

OneTC · 31/08/2021 13:13

I don't think it's sexist or whatever I just think it's pure rude to use an open group to organise an exclusive event. Just set up a separate chat like normal people