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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'Are dads invited too?'

999 replies

SyIviescup · 31/08/2021 12:07

So the class watsap is starting to wake up. The majority are women but there a few dads floating about in it. That don't really contribute to the group at all.

There are a few of us who are friendly - not besties but enjoy going for lunch before pick up (if we can) or evening drinks/ meal out (term time as we all seem to disappear during the long summer holidays)

If we organise a play date outing such as at a play area/park ect its an open invite everyone is invited mums & dads, siblings- anyone.

But if a few of us fancy having a 'mums' night out, we have to extend it to the rest of the mums on the group, so they don't feel left out then the same two women ask if 'the dads can come too?'

Which changes the dynamics of the group. I've nothing against either blokes, they are nice, I chat to them at school but its just not the same. The last time they came, we/I was told that more male friendly/fun stuff should be organised like a night out go carting. I did say to him that he was welcome to organise that but it never came to fruition.

Im not the class rep, its not down to me to organise events that men would like, I don't know why they organise fuck all then expect to come out and sit with 10 women and then moan that they could be doing something more 'fun'.

Message this morning -

Person A - Hi every one hope you all had a great summer, a few of us are thinking about have a mums meal and drinks night out for a catch up on the xxxx, if you fancy it let me know so I can book table.

Person B - I'd love too, can dads come too.

Confused
OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 01/09/2021 18:12

@Stroller15

This upsets me, my DH is the main carer, doing school drop offs and pick ups and DH is always left out. The women added me on WA eventhough I've never even met any of them.
Why didn’t he add them to the WhatsApp group he started?
Itsanewdah · 01/09/2021 18:19

@Pumperthepumper because if a man sets up a whatsapp group inviting most other people from the schoolrun (e.g. mums) he will a) be accused of being a special snowflake as there is already a group, and b) be considered a creep (see above, men are not supposed to show an interest).

toomuchlaundry · 01/09/2021 18:20

@sharksarecool but it is a class group, so includes all parents. The events shouldn't be couple based things but for parents to attend, whatever their marital status. If DH and I went to something like that and we knew a number of the parents socially, the chances are we would go our separate ways and chat to other people and not stick together like glue. The common link in the group is that we are parents of children in the same class.

If there is a class assembly do you think only one parent should attend?

Pumperthepumper · 01/09/2021 18:20

[quote Itsanewdah]@Pumperthepumper because if a man sets up a whatsapp group inviting most other people from the schoolrun (e.g. mums) he will a) be accused of being a special snowflake as there is already a group, and b) be considered a creep (see above, men are not supposed to show an interest).[/quote]
Why? Why couldn’t he just set up a group for his kid called Ben’s Friends and invite those parents?

Surely that’s better than doing sad eyes to your wife about how the ladies are being mean to you?

toomuchlaundry · 01/09/2021 18:22

@Stroller15 was that a class WhatsApp group or a social group?

Pumperthepumper · 01/09/2021 18:23

[quote toomuchlaundry]@sharksarecool but it is a class group, so includes all parents. The events shouldn't be couple based things but for parents to attend, whatever their marital status. If DH and I went to something like that and we knew a number of the parents socially, the chances are we would go our separate ways and chat to other people and not stick together like glue. The common link in the group is that we are parents of children in the same class.

If there is a class assembly do you think only one parent should attend?[/quote]
A lot of people seem confused about what a class WhatsApp is - it’s not an official school thing. It’s one parent pro-actively starting a group for parents to connect. It’s not the same as a school-organised assembly. There’s absolutely nothing stopping anyone starting another WhatsApp.

CauliflowerBalti · 01/09/2021 18:24

YABU to organise a selective night out on a group chat if not everyone is invited.

YANBU if it’s a smaller group of just those of you that hang out.

They ABU to expect you to organise nights out that the dads (or indeed anyone else) would enjoy.

toomuchlaundry · 01/09/2021 18:26

Some schools do have a class WhatsApp group, to help with school communication with parents. It isn't solely a social diary for parents

douliket · 01/09/2021 18:26

Why is it up to you though?why do they have to be "allowed" anywhere?? It reminds me of been a child asking who owns the game(playing soccer outside) and asking this one person if I can play. If it's in a group chat then it's open to everyone,how do you get to decide??
You cannot post in a WhatsApp group and invite some participants and not the others regardless of their sex😵‍💫
If some of the mums fancy a night out emergency it should be arranged outside the WhatsApp group,it's just so rude otherwise!!

Pumperthepumper · 01/09/2021 18:26

@toomuchlaundry

Some schools do have a class WhatsApp group, to help with school communication with parents. It isn't solely a social diary for parents
How do they get around data protection?
Journeyofthedragons · 01/09/2021 18:26

A lot of people seem confused about what a class WhatsApp is - it’s not an official school thing. It’s one parent pro-actively starting a group for parents to connect. It’s not the same as a school-organised assembly. There’s absolutely nothing stopping anyone starting another WhatsApp

That's right, there's no reason every parent in the class can't start their own group.

olidora63 · 01/09/2021 18:30

@vivainsomnia

This is really bad. This is a school group, to discuss school kids matters, hence why any parents can join. If this leads to arranging get together, that's fine, but to use this group to then exclude them is just sexist.

If you want to arrange a get together with some mums specifically, create a new group.

This
Cinnamonhazelnut · 01/09/2021 18:30

Found myself here from the Daily email...
I've not read the full thread but I've read enough, and all the OP'S posts.

HAHAHAHAHAHA. I am crying with laughter at some of these posts. What the actual F???

Of course you're not being unreasonable. Far far from it in fact.
I think a very large amount of people missed the point of the OP.
It's given me some laughs anyway.

Suspicioussam · 01/09/2021 18:31

@pumperthepumper 'sad eyes' is so patronising and belitting, just because he is a man, typical mumsnet.

Pumperthepumper · 01/09/2021 18:31

[quote Suspicioussam]@pumperthepumper 'sad eyes' is so patronising and belitting, just because he is a man, typical mumsnet.[/quote]
True though.

Stroller15 · 01/09/2021 18:38

No one is making 'sad eyes' to anyone, thanks @Pumperthepumper. The WhatsApp group includes the whole class @toomuchlaundry and park meet ups and kids' parties are discussed on it, but from the above, I suppose it's best he duplicates this group to arrange his own events for my DS and DH to attend.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 01/09/2021 18:39

@Suspicioussam

Anyone feel like they've gone back 20 years? Hate the term 'mums night out' urgh. How can we expect to move away from the sexist gender stereotyping when women cause it themselves by reinforcing the idea that women should only socialise with women and men with men. Why don't you organise a spa day and a football match for the same weekend and send your men folk to one and mums to the other, they can drink beer and fart and you can paint your nails and have a gossip. Everyone's a winner.

But seriously if you want a private event with just mums then create a separate group.

No-one says that women SHOULD only socialise with women - but sometimes women WANT to socialise with women.

It IS a different dynamic.

toomuchlaundry · 01/09/2021 18:41

Parents would be asked if they want to be on it and assume they give their details to the class rep. Parents don't have to be on it, but in my mind a class WhatsApp group is more about what is happening in school not individual parents' social lives.

Some schools really struggle with parents and communication, many parents complaining they don't know whats going on, but not reading the newsletters! The problem is, as has happened in this case the group is more about parents' social activities and not about school as such. So another failure of communication!

BrumCahoots · 01/09/2021 18:41

I am soooo glad Whattsapp wasn't invented when my kids were little !! ..

Pumperthepumper · 01/09/2021 18:42

@Stroller15

No one is making 'sad eyes' to anyone, thanks *@Pumperthepumper. The WhatsApp group includes the whole class @toomuchlaundry* and park meet ups and kids' parties are discussed on it, but from the above, I suppose it's best he duplicates this group to arrange his own events for my DS and DH to attend.
Excellent! How proactive of him for you to suggest that to him.
Pumperthepumper · 01/09/2021 18:43

@toomuchlaundry

Parents would be asked if they want to be on it and assume they give their details to the class rep. Parents don't have to be on it, but in my mind a class WhatsApp group is more about what is happening in school not individual parents' social lives.

Some schools really struggle with parents and communication, many parents complaining they don't know whats going on, but not reading the newsletters! The problem is, as has happened in this case the group is more about parents' social activities and not about school as such. So another failure of communication!

That’s absolutely not true - they’d have to sign data protection to say they’re happy for their details to be shared, and it would only work if every parent signed up.
toomuchlaundry · 01/09/2021 18:43

@Stroller15 do they talk about kids' parties that are for the whole class or parties where just a few kids are invited. Because again that is bad form.

evian76 · 01/09/2021 18:43

You’ve already stated mums only, it’s fine, just restate and say there will something for all in the future :)

Suspicioussam · 01/09/2021 18:43

Also, school watsap groups are sometimes school instigated, ours is. We allocate a class rep and it's the class reps job to set up the watsap which everyone is invited to. A lot of communication occurs on there.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 01/09/2021 18:43

@Nesbo

Presumably also totally ok to have a “white mums only night” on the basis that the white mums all have a shared cultural experience beyond just having their kids at the same school, and having the black mums at the night out could change the vibe. Also, surely the black mums could just arrange their own night out, isn’t it a bit weird that they would want to join the white mums night out?

Is that any weirder than saying that people should be excluded on the basis of their genitalia?

Considerably