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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'Are dads invited too?'

999 replies

SyIviescup · 31/08/2021 12:07

So the class watsap is starting to wake up. The majority are women but there a few dads floating about in it. That don't really contribute to the group at all.

There are a few of us who are friendly - not besties but enjoy going for lunch before pick up (if we can) or evening drinks/ meal out (term time as we all seem to disappear during the long summer holidays)

If we organise a play date outing such as at a play area/park ect its an open invite everyone is invited mums & dads, siblings- anyone.

But if a few of us fancy having a 'mums' night out, we have to extend it to the rest of the mums on the group, so they don't feel left out then the same two women ask if 'the dads can come too?'

Which changes the dynamics of the group. I've nothing against either blokes, they are nice, I chat to them at school but its just not the same. The last time they came, we/I was told that more male friendly/fun stuff should be organised like a night out go carting. I did say to him that he was welcome to organise that but it never came to fruition.

Im not the class rep, its not down to me to organise events that men would like, I don't know why they organise fuck all then expect to come out and sit with 10 women and then moan that they could be doing something more 'fun'.

Message this morning -

Person A - Hi every one hope you all had a great summer, a few of us are thinking about have a mums meal and drinks night out for a catch up on the xxxx, if you fancy it let me know so I can book table.

Person B - I'd love too, can dads come too.

Confused
OP posts:
SmallPrawnEnergy · 31/08/2021 22:37

Anyway its all sorted now and its still a school mums night out. No kids, kittens or puppies were harmed in the process - and the mum who asked the original question is coming and seems fine.
So basically all this MN drama for nothing. All you needed to say was “just mums this time” let other people organise (or not) other activities and moved on with your evening…

waterrat · 31/08/2021 22:38

If its mentioned on a class WhatsApp it should include everyone. If it's small and intimate or exclusive it needs to be arranged separately

Very simple

Pumperthepumper · 31/08/2021 22:38

@Nesbo

“And you think a child being excluded is the same as a grown adult with children being excluded?”

We don’t try to teach children the lesson of inclusivity and then say - “but forget all that shit when you’re an adult”!

Do you teach your children to stand passively and hang about waiting to join in? Do you hold the men in your life to the same standards as your children generally?
AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 31/08/2021 22:41

@Nesbo

Once again - is it just segregating by sex which is ok? If so why? Perhaps they could just invite the ones who went to university, let the thickos start their own group.

Night out for the “six figures and above” group, no offence intended but if you’re not earning a half decent salary you’d just feel out of place.

You keep using groups of people who have power over other groups of people and asking if it would be ok for them to create exclusive social groups to make your point. It’s a false equivalence. Males are the oppressive sex class. Many women would feel more comfortable socialising without them because of that power imbalance.
Covidworries · 31/08/2021 22:53

Its all subjective isnt it. As a woman, i feel more comfortable in a mixes group than in a only female group. Maybe thats because ive experienced the nastiness of women only groups.
At uni i did a sport which was male dominate. I was accepted, and part of the gang both in the sport and in the social side. There was never any problems.

Yes historically men have oppressed women. But not all men are oppressors and not all women are oppressed.
Women only spaces are fine, women only events are fine. But school based parents groups need to be inclusive. There are single mums, single dad, mum and dad, 2 mums, 2 dads, foster carers, adoped children etc etc. You can not have a group for the class and exclude certain groups. You can have get togethers of various people but not advertise this over the shared group

Nesbo · 31/08/2021 22:53

Power dynamics are context dependent. But in any event I don’t think that’s particularly relevant to the basic good manners of not acting like a cliquey fucker on a school group Whatsapp!

Anyway, I keep getting distracted when I’m trying to finish my book before going to sleep so I’m calling it a night on this one!

Pumperthepumper · 31/08/2021 22:55

@Covidworries

Its all subjective isnt it. As a woman, i feel more comfortable in a mixes group than in a only female group. Maybe thats because ive experienced the nastiness of women only groups. At uni i did a sport which was male dominate. I was accepted, and part of the gang both in the sport and in the social side. There was never any problems.

Yes historically men have oppressed women. But not all men are oppressors and not all women are oppressed.
Women only spaces are fine, women only events are fine. But school based parents groups need to be inclusive. There are single mums, single dad, mum and dad, 2 mums, 2 dads, foster carers, adoped children etc etc. You can not have a group for the class and exclude certain groups. You can have get togethers of various people but not advertise this over the shared group

You can also start your own group.
Covidworries · 31/08/2021 22:57

Yes but this is about a class group thats already set up. Facepalm

YourFinestPantaloons · 31/08/2021 22:58

Im not the class rep, its not down to me to organise events that men would like, I don't know why they organise fuck all then expect to come out and sit with 10 women and then moan that they could be doing something more 'fun'.

This is so true, and I wonder what kind of men want to impose themselves on a group of women who clearly want a women's-only night. Can't stand sappy couples who can't be apart for an evening

Pumperthepumper · 31/08/2021 22:58

@Covidworries

Yes but this is about a class group thats already set up. Facepalm
Your anecdote about your husband wasn’t. Facepalm.
AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 31/08/2021 22:58

You can not have a group for the class and exclude certain groups. You can have get togethers of various people but not advertise this over the shared group

Yes you can. Women don’t need the permission or inclusion of males to socialise.

YourFinestPantaloons · 31/08/2021 22:59

@Thingsthatgo

YABU. I’d be annoyed if the dads organised a go karting day or a evening in the pub and said ‘men only’.
Why?
AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 31/08/2021 23:00

@YourFinestPantaloons

Im not the class rep, its not down to me to organise events that men would like, I don't know why they organise fuck all then expect to come out and sit with 10 women and then moan that they could be doing something more 'fun'.

This is so true, and I wonder what kind of men want to impose themselves on a group of women who clearly want a women's-only night. Can't stand sappy couples who can't be apart for an evening

Totally agree. I’d also be concerned about a woman who is unable to socialise without her husband and the possibility of coercive control.
YourFinestPantaloons · 31/08/2021 23:00

@LegendaryReady

Anyone ever wondered why men don't get involved in school stuff and leave some child m rearing aspects to women? Grin
Pretty sure it's patriarchy, not women wanting to go for a night out
YourFinestPantaloons · 31/08/2021 23:04

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

You can not have a group for the class and exclude certain groups. You can have get togethers of various people but not advertise this over the shared group

Yes you can. Women don’t need the permission or inclusion of males to socialise.

Exactly.

It is fine for women to want women only evenings out. Men DO change the dynamic and rarely in a positive way IMO

Covidworries · 31/08/2021 23:08

Im not saying women need men to socialise im saying no one should be excluded on a class group chat. The mums who wants a girls night can arange this but not over the class parent chat group

YourFinestPantaloons · 31/08/2021 23:16

People saying 'make a new group to invite people' - do you think these men are stupid? People will soon clock on they haven't been invited to the night out and I doubt sneakily opening a group behind their backs is any easier to swallow than reading "mums only" in a message

Fml2015 · 31/08/2021 23:18

This thread is hilarious 😂. I'm sorry but those saying YABU are bat sh*t crazy. Nothing wrong with a ladies night. It's healthy to spend time away from your partner. These aren't single fathers they are partners of the ladies who are invited.

They are grown men who can organise their own much more expensive and time consuming activities.
I really am shocked by the responses. The world continues to go crazy!!!

Covidworries · 31/08/2021 23:21

Ok imagine your in an okd uni whays app group. You use it to organise get togethers. The group is really mixed with some people also being friends outside of the group. Now 6 of the 8 people have a hen party. 2 arent going to wedding or hen party. But the 6 decide to use the group to discuss the weekend, outfits, and post pictures on afterwards. Rather than just doing this in a seperate chat. The 2 already aware they are not involved in hen do for what ever reason but do they really need to have every detail posted to the shared group?

Fml2015 · 31/08/2021 23:34

@Covidworries going for a drink down the local pub, which has happened numerous times, is different to attending someone's hen. Unless your a fossil who can use watsap a separate group would be made. Ridiculous scenario.

Fml2015 · 31/08/2021 23:36

Also like to point out the other moms asked if the dads could attend. The dads did noy ask themselves, most likely aren't even in the watsap. Again most likely out of choice.

Dillyjones72 · 31/08/2021 23:39

I think it’s weird when the men are excluded liked this! But I’m gay and we ( the gays I mean!) have less of the ‘girls’ get togethers And ‘boys’ nights out. More mixed.
Let the bloke/s
Our class rep did a everyone comes invite and once the men realised there was only 3 of them v 15 women left early. They tried to organise a dads night out, and my good dad mate told me it was boring as! They talked about football and the kids and no craic was had. He much prefers the ‘mums’ heavy
Nights…

Justilou1 · 01/09/2021 00:05

I have experience with this kind of scenario… it was a small, international school with two SAHDs. Tbh, one was great… he fit in with everyone and was an absolute pleasure to have at all the events, but the other was an absolute pain. He spoke to us all patronizingly, and at times inappropriately, monologued excessively and acted as though he was out with his personal harem. He would lean right into other people’s conversations (so that if they wanted to continue talking, they would have had to move around his body) and say, “Oh, We don’t want to talk about THAT, do we? Hahahaha…” Uuuuugh! Obviously he told his wife that we were all trying to get in his pants because whenever we tried to include her, or chat, she was jealous and weird. (Gross, as if!!!) We ended up having to organize smaller events to ensure that he wasn’t invited, but he’d keep trying to find out where we were going, and trying to get “One of his girls” to organize another dinner 🤢🤢🤢. One day one of the mums couldn’t take it anymore and lost her shit at him. She told him that she had never met anyone with skin as thick as his, and was wondering when he’d ever get the hint!

ChaneySays · 01/09/2021 00:51

Pretty sure it's patriarchy, not women wanting to go for a night out

But surely it's hypocritical to moan that more men should take paternity leave whilst actively trying to ostracise men that attempt to step up and parent?

YourFinestPantaloons · 01/09/2021 01:00

@ChaneySays

Pretty sure it's patriarchy, not women wanting to go for a night out

But surely it's hypocritical to moan that more men should take paternity leave whilst actively trying to ostracise men that attempt to step up and parent?

Who's doing that?