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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'Are dads invited too?'

999 replies

SyIviescup · 31/08/2021 12:07

So the class watsap is starting to wake up. The majority are women but there a few dads floating about in it. That don't really contribute to the group at all.

There are a few of us who are friendly - not besties but enjoy going for lunch before pick up (if we can) or evening drinks/ meal out (term time as we all seem to disappear during the long summer holidays)

If we organise a play date outing such as at a play area/park ect its an open invite everyone is invited mums & dads, siblings- anyone.

But if a few of us fancy having a 'mums' night out, we have to extend it to the rest of the mums on the group, so they don't feel left out then the same two women ask if 'the dads can come too?'

Which changes the dynamics of the group. I've nothing against either blokes, they are nice, I chat to them at school but its just not the same. The last time they came, we/I was told that more male friendly/fun stuff should be organised like a night out go carting. I did say to him that he was welcome to organise that but it never came to fruition.

Im not the class rep, its not down to me to organise events that men would like, I don't know why they organise fuck all then expect to come out and sit with 10 women and then moan that they could be doing something more 'fun'.

Message this morning -

Person A - Hi every one hope you all had a great summer, a few of us are thinking about have a mums meal and drinks night out for a catch up on the xxxx, if you fancy it let me know so I can book table.

Person B - I'd love too, can dads come too.

Confused
OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 31/08/2021 21:36

@Nesbo

Presumably also totally ok to have a “white mums only night” on the basis that the white mums all have a shared cultural experience beyond just having their kids at the same school, and having the black mums at the night out could change the vibe. Also, surely the black mums could just arrange their own night out, isn’t it a bit weird that they would want to join the white mums night out?

Is that any weirder than saying that people should be excluded on the basis of their genitalia?

Yes, quite a lot weirder.
GreyhoundG1rl · 31/08/2021 21:36

due to being fundamentally unlikeable’
Eh? Literally nobody said this except you. Wtf?

Nesbo · 31/08/2021 21:36

Why is it weirder?

Pumperthepumper · 31/08/2021 21:37

@GreyhoundG1rl

due to being fundamentally unlikeable’ Eh? Literally nobody said this except you. Wtf?
You asked what my definition of excluded was. I told you what it wasn’t. What definition of excluded are you using?
Pumperthepumper · 31/08/2021 21:39

@Nesbo

Why is it weirder?
Because skin colour isn’t the same as sex. Race issues are separate from sex issues. So in this scenario black fathers would also (I assume) not be welcome on the mum’s night out - not because they’re black, but because they’re men.
GreyhoundG1rl · 31/08/2021 21:41

Why does it have to be the group of mums?
Oh, give over, pumper, your arguments don't even make any sense.
Because it was 30 years ago when sahd's were relatively uncommon? They were mostly mums at the school gates?
That's why 😬
And he hasn't moaned about it 30 years later, that poster is using it as an example on this thread; he hasn't put in a personal appearance to tell us about it.
Read the bloody posts before steaming in, maybe?

Nesbo · 31/08/2021 21:42

That makes no sense whatsoever. You’re just saying it’s ok to segregate on the basis of sex but not on the basis of race, but with no explanation why that is acceptable on this particular instance - where the point that these people really have in common is their children attending the same school.

Pumperthepumper · 31/08/2021 21:43

@GreyhoundG1rl

Why does it have to be the group of mums? Oh, give over, pumper, your arguments don't even make any sense. Because it was 30 years ago when sahd's were relatively uncommon? They were mostly mums at the school gates? That's why 😬 And he hasn't moaned about it 30 years later, that poster is using it as an example on this thread; he hasn't put in a personal appearance to tell us about it. Read the bloody posts before steaming in, maybe?
So? Are you suggesting in the late 80s/early 90s there were no fathers around to contact? No PTA? No option but to hang around looking mournful because the women wouldn’t let him play?

Surely you think higher of men than this?

ButteringMyArse · 31/08/2021 21:44

If people insist on making analogies with race, they could at least get the power dynamics right.

Pumperthepumper · 31/08/2021 21:44

@Nesbo

That makes no sense whatsoever. You’re just saying it’s ok to segregate on the basis of sex but not on the basis of race, but with no explanation why that is acceptable on this particular instance - where the point that these people really have in common is their children attending the same school.
I did say - because sex and race aren’t the same thing. Rejecting any black people from an all-white group is not the same as preferring only women on a night out.
GreyhoundG1rl · 31/08/2021 21:45

Are you smoking something , pumper? Your posts obviously (hopefully) make sense to you, but not the rest of us...
Surely you think higher of men than this?
Christ know what this means, it's nonsensical in the extreme.

Pumperthepumper · 31/08/2021 21:46

@GreyhoundG1rl

Are you smoking something , pumper? Your posts obviously (hopefully) make sense to you, but not the rest of us... Surely you think higher of men than this? Christ know what this means, it's nonsensical in the extreme.
Ok, well let’s make it easier for you;

What definition of ‘excluded’ do you use?

Nesbo · 31/08/2021 21:49

Of course the best way to segregate groups like this is to start meeting at really expensive venues. Then you can get rid of all the poor people and you don’t even have to actually tell them they’re not welcome (which can be so awkward but really if they were just a little bit smarter then surely they’d have taken the hint already, I mean it can get a bit uncomfortable discussing whether to stay in Meribel or Val Thorens next season when poor Tina can’t even snowplough).

GreyhoundG1rl · 31/08/2021 21:50

I've no idea why you're trying to make anything easier for me (bless!) 😂, but Deny someone access to a group, place or privilege
Nothing whatsoever about if they're fundamental unlikeable.

Covidworries · 31/08/2021 21:51

@Pumperthepumper yes at that time it was mostly mums at the school gates. And as this thread has shown people are still suspicious of men joining the class whats app group.

I havent painted him in a bad light at all. You have choosen to twist my comments for your own agenda.
He didnt mope around the school gates. He got on with being dad to his children. He invited their friends to play etc. He attended all school events.

Pumperthepumper · 31/08/2021 21:52

@GreyhoundG1rl

I've no idea why you're trying to make anything easier for me (bless!) 😂, but Deny someone access to a group, place or privilege Nothing whatsoever about if they're fundamental unlikeable.
a group. So what was stopping him making another one?
GreyhoundG1rl · 31/08/2021 21:53

I give up 🙄. Pointless...

Nesbo · 31/08/2021 21:53

@ButteringMyArse - by power dynamics in this context do you mean women being in the majority and taking the main role in almost everything relating to their children’s school experience, including the classic school gate politics, PTA’s and after school activities/play date organisation?

Pumperthepumper · 31/08/2021 21:54

[quote Covidworries]@Pumperthepumper yes at that time it was mostly mums at the school gates. And as this thread has shown people are still suspicious of men joining the class whats app group.

I havent painted him in a bad light at all. You have choosen to twist my comments for your own agenda.
He didnt mope around the school gates. He got on with being dad to his children. He invited their friends to play etc. He attended all school events.[/quote]
The early 2000s for you, wasn’t it? So what was he expecting, was he hoping to make friends with every mum there?

Pumperthepumper · 31/08/2021 21:54

@GreyhoundG1rl

I give up 🙄. Pointless...
Sure.
Pumperthepumper · 31/08/2021 21:54

[quote Nesbo]@ButteringMyArse - by power dynamics in this context do you mean women being in the majority and taking the main role in almost everything relating to their children’s school experience, including the classic school gate politics, PTA’s and after school activities/play date organisation?[/quote]
What’s stopping the dads doing this?

GreyhoundG1rl · 31/08/2021 21:57

Take it very slowly, pumper (We've got all night!)
If the school gate parents were predominately women and they all excluded him; who do you think he could have invited to be in his own select group?

Covidworries · 31/08/2021 21:57

There is a group of 10 playing cards, 9 are men 1 are female. The female is told this is male only cards. Go form your own girly group. The female just wants to play cards, now she has no one to group up with as there isnt any more females in the group.
She needs to try harder right its all her own fault (there you go @Pumperthepumper does that help you understand exclusion?)

Nesbo · 31/08/2021 21:58

This reply has been deleted

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Pumperthepumper · 31/08/2021 21:59

@GreyhoundG1rl

Take it very slowly, pumper (We've got all night!) If the school gate parents were predominately women and they all excluded him; who do you think he could have invited to be in his own select group?
Slowly, here you go:

The other parents. The fathers. The step parents looking for an opportunity to be more involved. The parents who worked full time and couldn’t do the school run. The parents of his kids’ friends.