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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'Are dads invited too?'

999 replies

SyIviescup · 31/08/2021 12:07

So the class watsap is starting to wake up. The majority are women but there a few dads floating about in it. That don't really contribute to the group at all.

There are a few of us who are friendly - not besties but enjoy going for lunch before pick up (if we can) or evening drinks/ meal out (term time as we all seem to disappear during the long summer holidays)

If we organise a play date outing such as at a play area/park ect its an open invite everyone is invited mums & dads, siblings- anyone.

But if a few of us fancy having a 'mums' night out, we have to extend it to the rest of the mums on the group, so they don't feel left out then the same two women ask if 'the dads can come too?'

Which changes the dynamics of the group. I've nothing against either blokes, they are nice, I chat to them at school but its just not the same. The last time they came, we/I was told that more male friendly/fun stuff should be organised like a night out go carting. I did say to him that he was welcome to organise that but it never came to fruition.

Im not the class rep, its not down to me to organise events that men would like, I don't know why they organise fuck all then expect to come out and sit with 10 women and then moan that they could be doing something more 'fun'.

Message this morning -

Person A - Hi every one hope you all had a great summer, a few of us are thinking about have a mums meal and drinks night out for a catch up on the xxxx, if you fancy it let me know so I can book table.

Person B - I'd love too, can dads come too.

Confused
OP posts:
Doomscrolling · 31/08/2021 19:54

Jesus, this thread is deranged.

@SyIviescup, you did nowt wrong. Saying in the group "There's a Mums' night out a week on Friday for anyone who fancies it" is not some crazed ostracising action. Replying "no, this is just for the lasses this time but I'd be up for a broader meet if you've got some dates" is also fine. FFS. Women are allowed to socialise without blokes.

Someone could equally say "We're doing a group dog walk at the park on Sunday for anyone interested". That's not excluding non-dog owners in an act of cruelty, it's telling the group there's a a social event some members might be interested in.

Northernparent68 · 31/08/2021 20:00

@LegendaryReady

I’m thinking it’s not because of a few WhatsApp groups in 2021 organising a few mum’s night outs. I feel like… there’s some other reason 🤔

I'm sure the reasons are many and complex but mums deciding class social things are just for women won't help change the thinking that school stuff belongs to women.

To be honest It is possible to get over involved in school and WhatsApp groups is being over involved.
C8H10N4O2 · 31/08/2021 20:27

Anyone ever wondered why men don't get involved in school stuff and leave some child m rearing aspects to women?

Yes, the reason generations of men have opted out of the messier, noisier, most tiring and life disrupting aspects of childcare are entirely because of a whatsapp group which doesn't actually start until kids are of school age.

Winemewhynot · 31/08/2021 20:29

Why wools you want to bring your DH on a girls night out Confused it’ll be the same kind of women who demand invites on stags dos too no doubt 😬🙈😂

Suspicioussam · 31/08/2021 20:33

Anyone feel like they've gone back 20 years? Hate the term 'mums night out' urgh. How can we expect to move away from the sexist gender stereotyping when women cause it themselves by reinforcing the idea that women should only socialise with women and men with men.
Why don't you organise a spa day and a football match for the same weekend and send your men folk to one and mums to the other, they can drink beer and fart and you can paint your nails and have a gossip. Everyone's a winner.

But seriously if you want a private event with just mums then create a separate group.

toomuchlaundry · 31/08/2021 20:50

Most people seem to have forgotten that the class WhatsApp group is meant to be about what the children are doing at school not what the parents are doing outside of school!

LittleBearPad · 31/08/2021 20:52

@Suspicioussam

Anyone feel like they've gone back 20 years? Hate the term 'mums night out' urgh. How can we expect to move away from the sexist gender stereotyping when women cause it themselves by reinforcing the idea that women should only socialise with women and men with men. Why don't you organise a spa day and a football match for the same weekend and send your men folk to one and mums to the other, they can drink beer and fart and you can paint your nails and have a gossip. Everyone's a winner.

But seriously if you want a private event with just mums then create a separate group.

Well quite. See also “girl’s night” for women who are well into their twenties, thirties upwards.
MakkaPakkas · 31/08/2021 20:52

YABU, if it's not open to everyone on the WhatsApp you shouldn't put it on there. Start a new group with just your mates if you don't want the dad's out.

In this case, they are the minority group, they may be finding it hard to fit in/ sort playdates etc... We all complain about men not stepping up with that sort of thing, but if they are always excluded, that does make it harder!! Obvs they need to organise their own stuff too, but yeah, It seems mean to specifically exclude.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 31/08/2021 20:55

@Winemewhynot

Why wools you want to bring your DH on a girls night out Confused it’ll be the same kind of women who demand invites on stags dos too no doubt 😬🙈😂
I agree. The type of man who wants to attend a girls’ night with his wife is someone I’d go to pains to avoid.
Makhiaman · 31/08/2021 21:00

Surely a group of people on a class WhatsApp group are just other parents and not your actual friends? In which case why not invite the dads too? I’d totally get it if it was a girls night out with friends but they’re just people who’s kids are in the same class as yours…

WaggleToWarlock · 31/08/2021 21:04

I'm a dad and wouldn't be the least bit offended by a mum's night out being organized on the class WhatsApp group.

Crack on, and let the dads organize one if they can be arsed. I predict they either won't bother or they'll have an all-night bender.

SimonJT · 31/08/2021 21:10

The class whatsapp group should be exactly that, class specific things, the only social events on the group should be ones that involve the whole class.

If someone wants a certain event thats fine, but basic manners should be used in creating a temporary group for that specific event.

SimonJT · 31/08/2021 21:12

@Covidworries

They didnt take against him, they just excluded him from meet ups. Honestly he wasnt bothered for homself, but it did upset the children to find out about things like mums and children meet ups in the park after the fact
Yes this happens to me as well, more frustrating now my son had picked up on the fact that he is being excluded, hes now less keen on going to the park after school
ThinWomansBrain · 31/08/2021 21:15

One of my friends was a stay at home Dad - about 30 years ago when it was probably more unusual. One or two of the mothers were friendly, but he was pretty hurt that the majority were so bloody rude excluding him all the time. YABU

TeachesOfPeaches · 31/08/2021 21:16

Would the dads even want to attend a women's wine night? Confused

Original poster
SyIviescup · 31/08/2021 21:16

Oh good grief! No kids are being left out!

OP posts:
IWasBornInAThunderstorm · 31/08/2021 21:17

@TeachesOfPeaches

Would the dads even want to attend a women's wine night? Confused
They might do. If it wasn't labelled "women's wine night".
Original poster
SyIviescup · 31/08/2021 21:18

@ThinWomansBrain

One of my friends was a stay at home Dad - about 30 years ago when it was probably more unusual. One or two of the mothers were friendly, but he was pretty hurt that the majority were so bloody rude excluding him all the time. YABU
Did he ever try to arrange something himself?
OP posts:
GreyhoundG1rl · 31/08/2021 21:22

Did he ever try to arrange something himself?
What's the relevance of this? He was excluded by the majority of the mum's, why would he try to arrange an event himself?!

Pumperthepumper · 31/08/2021 21:24

@GreyhoundG1rl

Did he ever try to arrange something himself? What's the relevance of this? He was excluded by the majority of the mum's, why would he try to arrange an event himself?!
Well, why wouldn’t he if he was upset at being excluded? Why just passively sit back and complain about it 30 years later?
GreyhoundG1rl · 31/08/2021 21:27

I'm not sure you're too clear on what "excluded" means.

Suspicioussam · 31/08/2021 21:30

Yeah because when you feel excluded from a group the first thing you do is shine a light on it by trying to arrange an event with said group, and let them make you feel even more shit.

Pumperthepumper · 31/08/2021 21:32

@GreyhoundG1rl

I'm not sure you're too clear on what "excluded" means.
Well, why don’t we start with your definition then? Mine doesn’t mean ‘ostracised by absolutely every single parent in the entire school due to being fundamentally unlikeable’
Pumperthepumper · 31/08/2021 21:33

@Suspicioussam

Yeah because when you feel excluded from a group the first thing you do is shine a light on it by trying to arrange an event with said group, and let them make you feel even more shit.
Why does it have to be the group of mums? Why not start his own group? Why not use it as an opportunity to include others? Or start a fathers group? Or get involved with the PTA? Or start a fundraiser?
Nesbo · 31/08/2021 21:34

Presumably also totally ok to have a “white mums only night” on the basis that the white mums all have a shared cultural experience beyond just having their kids at the same school, and having the black mums at the night out could change the vibe. Also, surely the black mums could just arrange their own night out, isn’t it a bit weird that they would want to join the white mums night out?

Is that any weirder than saying that people should be excluded on the basis of their genitalia?