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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'Are dads invited too?'

999 replies

SyIviescup · 31/08/2021 12:07

So the class watsap is starting to wake up. The majority are women but there a few dads floating about in it. That don't really contribute to the group at all.

There are a few of us who are friendly - not besties but enjoy going for lunch before pick up (if we can) or evening drinks/ meal out (term time as we all seem to disappear during the long summer holidays)

If we organise a play date outing such as at a play area/park ect its an open invite everyone is invited mums & dads, siblings- anyone.

But if a few of us fancy having a 'mums' night out, we have to extend it to the rest of the mums on the group, so they don't feel left out then the same two women ask if 'the dads can come too?'

Which changes the dynamics of the group. I've nothing against either blokes, they are nice, I chat to them at school but its just not the same. The last time they came, we/I was told that more male friendly/fun stuff should be organised like a night out go carting. I did say to him that he was welcome to organise that but it never came to fruition.

Im not the class rep, its not down to me to organise events that men would like, I don't know why they organise fuck all then expect to come out and sit with 10 women and then moan that they could be doing something more 'fun'.

Message this morning -

Person A - Hi every one hope you all had a great summer, a few of us are thinking about have a mums meal and drinks night out for a catch up on the xxxx, if you fancy it let me know so I can book table.

Person B - I'd love too, can dads come too.

Confused
OP posts:
Original poster
SyIviescup · 31/08/2021 16:03

@Kithic

Its not the fact that OP doesnt want to invite the men, its the fact she doesnt want to invite SOME PEOPLE IN THE GROUP
No honestly it was just a girls night out. No personal attacks or anyone being hated on. Just a girls night out. I can't believe people are actually frothing over it tbh.
OP posts:
BrozTito · 31/08/2021 16:04

Go carting? Who tf marries these people?

frogswimming · 31/08/2021 16:04

So.....why can't you set up a separate 'girls night' WhatsApp?

lannistunut · 31/08/2021 16:04

@Kithic

Its not the fact that OP doesnt want to invite the men, its the fact she doesnt want to invite SOME PEOPLE IN THE GROUP
Yes quite. If you want a clique, organised on gender lines or whatever else, start a separate clique whatsapp group.

If it is a school whatsapp group, you get what you are given in terms of membership.

Pumperthepumper · 31/08/2021 16:06

@Covidworries

You are saying he didnt do enough, when you have no concept of what he has done for his children. You incorrectly assume he is the issue, you can not fathom that the mums were not fair to exclude him. It was a different time where attitudes were old fashioned. Its relevent to this thread through as maybe the OP will recognise that the class whats app isnt the right place to arrange a mums only night out.
I’m only going by what you’ve told me. It was the early 2000s, it wasn’t 1946. He could have done more, and he definitely should have if it was affecting his kids.
Winemewhynot · 31/08/2021 16:06

@Letsallscreamatthesistene

So OP are you not going to discuss the glaringly obvious consensus on here that its rude to organise it over the group?

....because it seems like you're just glossing over that fact

The vote shows it’s currently 60/40 in OPs favour…
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 31/08/2021 16:08

Tricky one because it's a class whatsapp group.

But I think the problem here is the mums who seem incapable of going out without their "other halves" rather than the men themselves (although they sound like a bunch of wet lettuces!).

Mums' night out is pretty self-explanatory. It's not "Parents' night out", nor yet "Family night out" - it's MUMS. SO no, Dads aren't invited.

If the mums who can't bear to be out without their other halves don't like it, then don't come.

I don't think it's rude to suggest it in the full whatsapp group, but I do think that any further discussion and arrangement of it should have been taken out into a separate group created specifically for that purpose. No point in highlighting all the dates etc. to people who aren't coming!

If the dads can't organise themselves, then that's their problem. If they want to do it, they will. If the mums-who-can't-leave-their-husbands-behind want to organise a parents' night out, then they can. If they don't, then they don't have a leg to stand on.

This reminds me of the thread where a lovely lady invited 3 of her best female friends on holiday with her, all expenses paid iirc, and one of them had the barefaced cheek to try and get her husband along as well! It didn't end well.

Men DO change the dynamic - it's fine if everyone knows up front there will be a member of the opposite sex along, but if they're expecting it to be women only, it can really throw a spanner in the works, having a man there. I guess the other way around too!

Message anyone who was interested in the idea separately and create a new group for just them, and don't include the "but whatabout the men?" ones if you don't want to.

Cam001 · 31/08/2021 16:09

Personally I would be pretty hmm at a girls night or ladies night, it just seems pretty outdated to me. I prefer for everyone to be included. You wouldn't like me then, I run a social group for women only. I was in a mixed sex social group and the dynamics were totally different. The men dominated the group, some were creepy, generally boastful with a tendency to mansplain. It's quite normal for women to want to assemble together, as it is for men.

phishy · 31/08/2021 16:09

@Covidworries

You are saying he didnt do enough, when you have no concept of what he has done for his children. You incorrectly assume he is the issue, you can not fathom that the mums were not fair to exclude him. It was a different time where attitudes were old fashioned. Its relevent to this thread through as maybe the OP will recognise that the class whats app isnt the right place to arrange a mums only night out.
Is this centre stage man? If he wants go karting he should organise it.
Winemewhynot · 31/08/2021 16:09

Love a girls night, prosecco, pornstars, cheesey bars playing 80s and 90s music, slagging off DH, some one gets too drunk, some one cries, some one chats up the barman…it’s no place for men Grin

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 31/08/2021 16:11

The type of man who wants/ insists on coming to a mum’s night out is not a man I would want to socialise with.

Mustreadabook · 31/08/2021 16:11

I’m over 40, I find I don’t have much in common with the younger parents, I’m going to tell them not to come next time.
Is that ok?

It is rude to exclude people on a public group. Also discriminatory.

PlanDeRaccordement · 31/08/2021 16:12

Just going by what you actually sent to the class WhatsApp:

You- Hi every one hope you all had a great summer, a few of us are thinking about have a mums meal and drinks night out for a catch up on the xxxx, if you fancy it let me know so I can book table.

Person B - I'd love too, can dads come too.

Sorry but your message was BU. It is breathtakingly rude and sexist to exclude the dads from this invitation. There is nothing wrong with just inviting who you want to go out with...but not over the class WhatApp. This exclusion of men just further entrenches the patriarchy that says schooling of children is women’s work.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 31/08/2021 16:13

This exclusion of men just further entrenches the patriarchy that says schooling of children is women’s work.

She’s organising a social night out. Not a parents’ evening.

lannistunut · 31/08/2021 16:14

@Cam001

Personally I would be pretty hmm at a girls night or ladies night, it just seems pretty outdated to me. I prefer for everyone to be included. You wouldn't like me then, I run a social group for women only. I was in a mixed sex social group and the dynamics were totally different. The men dominated the group, some were creepy, generally boastful with a tendency to mansplain. It's quite normal for women to want to assemble together, as it is for men.
But that is not the school whatsapp and you deciding to exclude some of a group? I think what you organise is very different and has its place.
PrincessNymeria · 31/08/2021 16:14

"If you aren’t inviting everyone in the group then you don’t announce the outing in the group!! You set up another group chat with just the people you want to invite"

^This, with a mention in the main group "any ladies interested in going to x soon, contact me or so".

PrincessNymeria · 31/08/2021 16:14

*me or so and so.

Mayorquimby2 · 31/08/2021 16:17

How come no one has done the thing where they pretend that posters are talking about actual children when they refer to women as girls and acting shocked? That used to be mandatory on this site.

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 31/08/2021 16:17

I cant see what the question is you've asked. Have you just asked if you're being unreasonable for organising a ladies only night? Or have you asked if your unreasonable for organising it over that whatsapp group?

I think thats the difference here.

vivainsomnia · 31/08/2021 16:18

Of course he was suggesting OP should organise it
There really is no of course, only where you want to see one to play the martyr.

I am part of a cycling group. One or two ladies usually organise the route we take. We are grateful because it's something we don't have to do. Sometimes a few months ago, I suggested we tried another route my OH had done and really enjoyed. Thank God she didn't assume like OP that I just expected her to sort it out. At this stage, it was just a suggestion, wasn't even sure most would agree (a bit more hilly). I did end up arranging it a few months later. I of course wouldn't have if the majority had not responded they were interested. No big deal at all really!

LalalalalalaLand123 · 31/08/2021 16:18

She’s organising a social night out. Not a parents’ evening.

But she's using the parents' class Whatsapp group to organise this, whilst specifically excluding the males of the group. It's not on.

NotJuryDutyAgain · 31/08/2021 16:22

I'd probably just invite the people I actually cared to see, away from the group chat so that it's not associated with the school group in any way. Seems easier to say, "Sorry, no, this is just a gathering for the mums!" if it's not seen as a "school group gathering".

vivainsomnia · 31/08/2021 16:22

If you want to ignore spectacularly obvious examples of male entitlement, crack on, but other women more capable than you of recognising it are not the sexist ones here
Someone has a bee in the bonnet! Maybe I'll quote you next time there is a thread about women being left out of social groups in their male dominated work environment. I'll mention female entitlement and see where that goes!

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 31/08/2021 16:22

@LalalalalalaLand123

She’s organising a social night out. Not a parents’ evening.

But she's using the parents' class Whatsapp group to organise this, whilst specifically excluding the males of the group. It's not on.

Oh those poor men 🙄 when will men’s feelings ever be prioritised?
Excelthetube · 31/08/2021 16:23

@AllTheSingleLadiess
Then she shouldn’t have put it on the SCHOOL WhatsApp.
That’s the point isn’t it.
It’s bloody rude to send out a general invitation on a group WhatsApp and then say to some people on it, oh btw you’re not specifically invited.

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