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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'Are dads invited too?'

999 replies

SyIviescup · 31/08/2021 12:07

So the class watsap is starting to wake up. The majority are women but there a few dads floating about in it. That don't really contribute to the group at all.

There are a few of us who are friendly - not besties but enjoy going for lunch before pick up (if we can) or evening drinks/ meal out (term time as we all seem to disappear during the long summer holidays)

If we organise a play date outing such as at a play area/park ect its an open invite everyone is invited mums & dads, siblings- anyone.

But if a few of us fancy having a 'mums' night out, we have to extend it to the rest of the mums on the group, so they don't feel left out then the same two women ask if 'the dads can come too?'

Which changes the dynamics of the group. I've nothing against either blokes, they are nice, I chat to them at school but its just not the same. The last time they came, we/I was told that more male friendly/fun stuff should be organised like a night out go carting. I did say to him that he was welcome to organise that but it never came to fruition.

Im not the class rep, its not down to me to organise events that men would like, I don't know why they organise fuck all then expect to come out and sit with 10 women and then moan that they could be doing something more 'fun'.

Message this morning -

Person A - Hi every one hope you all had a great summer, a few of us are thinking about have a mums meal and drinks night out for a catch up on the xxxx, if you fancy it let me know so I can book table.

Person B - I'd love too, can dads come too.

Confused
OP posts:
Mayorquimby2 · 31/08/2021 15:26

Btw I could think of nothing worse than a night out with school parents male or female

vivainsomnia · 31/08/2021 15:26

This isn't an attack on men or male entitlement, but I do find the psychology of it quite fascinating, especially in a mild scenario like this
Well not everyone is driven to psychoanalyse every situation based on sexism, especially as you say, in a mild scenario like this.

I just see people for what they are people. I've seen poor behaviour, entitlement, bullying, manipulation done by both, so I just avoid to draw conclusions on what each say based on their gender. If someone in a group suggest a new activity, I just think 'great idea' or 'not really my thing', I don't immediately jump to the conclusion that they are entitled and expecting me to arrange it, just because they happen to be a male. You might be male, but it is still a stereotype and sexist assumption to make from just a few words said.

Benjispruce5 · 31/08/2021 15:27

Why are the dads excluded?

Pumperthepumper · 31/08/2021 15:27

@Covidworries

So now its his fault? You prat. What was he meant to do? Hìm/his children excluded is his fault not the mums who didnt include him? You have serious problems
I’m not the one name calling.

He could have: introduced himself to the fathers of his kids friends and asked if they fancied a drink. He could have asked his kids to ask their parents if they were free to meet at the park. He could have joined the PTA. He could have helped out at events.

But no, he just passively waited to be excluded and blamed other people when his kids got upset.

phishy · 31/08/2021 15:28

@Benjispruce5

Why are the dads excluded?
Because the dad who attends takes over as he likes the centre stage. And not everyone feels able to tell him to shut up. (is what I'm inferring)
phishy · 31/08/2021 15:28

I’m not the one name calling.

I've reported it Pumper. They usually resort to name calling once they've lost the argument.

ExConstance · 31/08/2021 15:30

This is hugely rude and discriminates against the fathers. I can't believe anyone thinks it is acceptable.

Benjispruce5 · 31/08/2021 15:30

But then don’t put it on the WhatsApp chat. That’s bad form. Don’t think you can discriminate like that. Either invite all on the group or invite separately.

BikeRunSki · 31/08/2021 15:34

DS’s best friend is being bought up by his widowed father. This is exactly the time of behaviour that is dad-exclusive that he struggles with and finds alienating. It puts him of asking useful questions about homework or swimming lessons.

A class parents WA group is exactly that. If you want a seperate WA group for your particular friends I. The class, crack on, but don’t use the main group to organise something that certain members are specifically excluded, his incredibly rude and unkind.

ButteringMyArse · 31/08/2021 15:35

@vivainsomnia

This isn't an attack on men or male entitlement, but I do find the psychology of it quite fascinating, especially in a mild scenario like this Well not everyone is driven to psychoanalyse every situation based on sexism, especially as you say, in a mild scenario like this.

I just see people for what they are people. I've seen poor behaviour, entitlement, bullying, manipulation done by both, so I just avoid to draw conclusions on what each say based on their gender. If someone in a group suggest a new activity, I just think 'great idea' or 'not really my thing', I don't immediately jump to the conclusion that they are entitled and expecting me to arrange it, just because they happen to be a male. You might be male, but it is still a stereotype and sexist assumption to make from just a few words said.

If you want to ignore spectacularly obvious examples of male entitlement, crack on, but other women more capable than you of recognising it are not the sexist ones here.
Mayorquimby2 · 31/08/2021 15:36

"It’s not inviting “men” the Op has specifically said it’s about not inviting partners and making it couples and non couples. I’m sure a single parent dad would be as welcome or SAHD."

OP:
Its rude to organise a ladies night out?

I think its pretty clear by the 'mums drinks out' it was aimed at the mothers.

More people agree that having a mums night out only is actually ok. So no need for your aggressive post.

its not my responsibility to plan and make sure the men folk don't get upset. Im not the class rep, the class rep organises fuck all too.

This was just about a group of women that wanted to go out for a catch up and decided to ask the other women so there would be no hard feelings or feelings that these women had been left out the group.

Well that's it now - no girls nights out ever

Covidworries · 31/08/2021 15:36

You are saying he didnt do enough, when you have no concept of what he has done for his children. You incorrectly assume he is the issue, you can not fathom that the mums were not fair to exclude him. It was a different time where attitudes were old fashioned.
Its relevent to this thread through as maybe the OP will recognise that the class whats app isnt the right place to arrange a mums only night out.

Sparklfairy · 31/08/2021 15:40

If someone in a group suggest a new activity, I just think 'great idea' or 'not really my thing', I don't immediately jump to the conclusion that they are entitled and expecting me to arrange it

Equally @vivainsomnia you don't expect others to change the activity because it's 'not really your thing', which is really the point of what the OP is saying.

She's out of order going to the whatsapp group and arranging something and excluding people, no doubt about it. But the whole 'I want to join in so we have to do something I want to do instead' from the men... is something that only men would do ime. Women would arrange a separate 'inclusive' event if they felt that strongly. The men haven't done this.

Charley50 · 31/08/2021 15:46

At end of secondary schoolnow. At primary school lots of the dads came along and we all got to know each other pretty well tbh and some lasting friendships were made, women, men, couples etc. Some of the dads also formed a breakout drinking / cycling (yawn) group which they organised by themselves believe it or not, and I think are still friends many years later. I'm still close friends with some of the mums and friendly with some of the dads if they come along to our meetups, which they do occasionally...

lannistunut · 31/08/2021 15:46

Personally I would be pretty Hmm at a girls night or ladies night, it just seems pretty outdated to me. I prefer for everyone to be included.

On a whatsapp - either invite everyone on it or set something else up for whatever clique you are aiming for.

RosiePosieDozy · 31/08/2021 15:48

Strange behaviour from them tbh. It's very clear that you're inviting the mums only. I think you just need to make it clear that it's a girl's night. This would put me off organising anything.

toomuchlaundry · 31/08/2021 15:49

Also I might be on a class WhatsApp group but would assume anything on there would also involve DH as he is a parent too, but both of us don’t need to be getting the same notifications

I didn’t necessarily think the role of a class rep is to organise social events. Aren’t they usually a go between the teacher and parents for communication purposes (and also organise gifts for staff).
Some parents seem to want schools to organise their social events now.

Covidworries · 31/08/2021 15:49

@phishy

Just astounded by the ignorance Grin

Original poster
SyIviescup · 31/08/2021 15:54

[quote Winemewhynot]@BoredZelda

I’ll bite. So what would you call it to not invite members off a group to a night out just because they are men?

I’d call it a girls night out..Hmm[/quote]
Grin

OP posts:
Letsallscreamatthesistene · 31/08/2021 15:56

So OP are you not going to discuss the glaringly obvious consensus on here that its rude to organise it over the group?

....because it seems like you're just glossing over that fact

Kithic · 31/08/2021 16:00

@Mayorquimby2

"It’s not inviting “men” the Op has specifically said it’s about not inviting partners and making it couples and non couples. I’m sure a single parent dad would be as welcome or SAHD."

OP:
Its rude to organise a ladies night out?

I think its pretty clear by the 'mums drinks out' it was aimed at the mothers.

More people agree that having a mums night out only is actually ok. So no need for your aggressive post.

its not my responsibility to plan and make sure the men folk don't get upset. Im not the class rep, the class rep organises fuck all too.

This was just about a group of women that wanted to go out for a catch up and decided to ask the other women so there would be no hard feelings or feelings that these women had been left out the group.

Well that's it now - no girls nights out ever

The majority are women but there a few dads floating about in it. That don't really contribute to the group at all.

there are men in the whatsapp group, thats who OP is not inviting on a group chat when organising the night out!

Kithic · 31/08/2021 16:01

Its not the fact that OP doesnt want to invite the men, its the fact she doesnt want to invite SOME PEOPLE IN THE GROUP

Original poster
SyIviescup · 31/08/2021 16:01

@Letsallscreamatthesistene

So OP are you not going to discuss the glaringly obvious consensus on here that its rude to organise it over the group?

....because it seems like you're just glossing over that fact

Well its still at the majority of YANBU. So not over all consensus is it?
OP posts:
frogswimming · 31/08/2021 16:02

I'm on app. Can't vote!!

LalalalalalaLand123 · 31/08/2021 16:03

Personally I think it's rude to announce a "mums night" specifically excluding the dads, on a Whatsapp group that is for the whole class.

It's also VERY rude of the dad to complain that you've not organised "men-friendly" events such as go-karting or similar! What a class-A knob!

Perhaps I would say "this get-together is open to everyone, but it will be drinks in the pub [or whatever] so if anyone wants to do something more action-oriented, please feel free to organise that for another time!"

Why do you think men are a different species that wouldn't enjoy a night at the pub?
The OP doesn't think, this is what one of the dads told the OP - that he wanted her to arrange something more "man-friendly" than a night at the pub!