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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'Are dads invited too?'

999 replies

SyIviescup · 31/08/2021 12:07

So the class watsap is starting to wake up. The majority are women but there a few dads floating about in it. That don't really contribute to the group at all.

There are a few of us who are friendly - not besties but enjoy going for lunch before pick up (if we can) or evening drinks/ meal out (term time as we all seem to disappear during the long summer holidays)

If we organise a play date outing such as at a play area/park ect its an open invite everyone is invited mums & dads, siblings- anyone.

But if a few of us fancy having a 'mums' night out, we have to extend it to the rest of the mums on the group, so they don't feel left out then the same two women ask if 'the dads can come too?'

Which changes the dynamics of the group. I've nothing against either blokes, they are nice, I chat to them at school but its just not the same. The last time they came, we/I was told that more male friendly/fun stuff should be organised like a night out go carting. I did say to him that he was welcome to organise that but it never came to fruition.

Im not the class rep, its not down to me to organise events that men would like, I don't know why they organise fuck all then expect to come out and sit with 10 women and then moan that they could be doing something more 'fun'.

Message this morning -

Person A - Hi every one hope you all had a great summer, a few of us are thinking about have a mums meal and drinks night out for a catch up on the xxxx, if you fancy it let me know so I can book table.

Person B - I'd love too, can dads come too.

Confused
OP posts:
Betty000 · 31/08/2021 13:51

You can't really say 'mums only' but I kknow from experience that most men would rather gouge out their own eyes than attend a 'mums night out'

Just keep it low key and arrange in another way if you just want a few select mums there.

Pumperthepumper · 31/08/2021 13:51

@Covidworries

No its not everyones responsibility. But if something is being organised its arsy to not include one person. There is a world of difference being a single mum to a single dad in this situation. Especially 20 years ago.
But if he knew that was the reason, why not be proactive?
toomuchlaundry · 31/08/2021 13:52

I thought class WhatsApp groups should just be about school, not social events unless open to all parents and/or children. So you wouldn't send an invite for a child's party on there if only inviting some of the children.

If you want to set up social events for just some of the people you set up a friends' WhatsApp group

JacquelineCarlyle · 31/08/2021 13:52

I agree with you Op and would hate for some dads to come along on a mums night out as it does change the dynamics. They could organise something for themselves that's either all parents or dads only!

The problem you have is putting it on the main what's app group as that is quite rude. Can you not set up a separate mums group to organise nights out? Don't keep it secret or anything but be up front that you've set another group for mums (& only discuss nights out - keep all school chat on the other group & organise events for all parents on the other group).

Hope you manage to have a fun night!

Original poster
SyIviescup · 31/08/2021 13:52

@vivainsomnia

Why didn’t he organise his own? So that's the answer when you are purposefully excluded? So if your child's best friend arrange a party and invites the whole class but them, you'll tell her to stop moaning and to just arrange a party herself? I very much doubt it!
We are not talking about kids ffs.

its not my responsibility to plan and make sure the men folk don't get upset. Im not the class rep, the class rep organises fuck all too.

This was just about a group of women that wanted to go out for a catch up and decided to ask the other women so there would be no hard feelings or feelings that these women had been left out the group.

If these women need to bring their husbands out with them on every event or night out they should start getting off their arses and sorting something. But they don't, they would rather just turn up with hubby in tow after its all been arrange for them.

OP posts:
Betty000 · 31/08/2021 13:52

Sorry didn't RTFT Blush

Load3 · 31/08/2021 13:54

This sort of tiresome bullshit is the reason I wish I had never joined the class WhatsApp. I keep it muted.

The dads haven't piped up asking why they aren't invited/can they come, so they either aren't on the chat at all or they aren't that interested in attending but their wives are roping them in - sounds more like a case of two people who can't enjoy a night out without their partners really.

Let it go this time OP otherwise you'll look a bit twattish saying no - and then next time just make a separate group inviting the people you want there.

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 31/08/2021 13:55

Yes having a mums night only is ok, of course its ok. Its the fact that you've arranged it in such a rude way.

Or are you not going to address that bit?

Covidworries · 31/08/2021 13:55

@Pumperthepumper

Proactive how? What do you expect him to have done?

Inertia · 31/08/2021 13:56

It’s not really fair to exclude some members of the group. Don’t pander to moaners-anyone who wants to organise a different activity can do so- but excluding people in the whole class group from particular activities is not on.

If you want to organise a specific activity which includes only a few of those people, you’re going to need a new group on WhatsApp.

GreyhoundG1rl · 31/08/2021 13:57

[quote Covidworries]@Pumperthepumper

Proactive how? What do you expect him to have done?[/quote]
Proactive, my arse. There's nothing he could have done 🙄

Bogofftosomewherehot · 31/08/2021 13:57

@ZeroFuchsGiven

Either set up a separate WA or invite all parents. I think its pretty rude tbh to only invite some of the group. How many times has there been threads on here with people really upset over this type of behaviour.
Separate WA group for the mums, one for the class. Suggest that "can dads come too" person gets their partner to set up a dads group so they too can organise their own events. To expect it to be all parents at all times is just crazy.
frogswimming · 31/08/2021 13:59

Everyone has said you're rude for organising it in the class WhatsApp group. You needed to make a separate group. Add in all the women you know will want to go. Send individual invites to the new group and the event to the women not automatically included who you still want to invite.

Are you just too lazy to do this?

HungryHippo11 · 31/08/2021 13:59

There is only two dads, that come
That makes it much worse. If it was half men then you could say "organise a dads event" but it's 90% women so organising a dad night would be just those 2 men going to the pub wouldn't it.

What about if you said "everyone's invited out for drinks, except you Jane and Sue because you're too loud/are nurses/don't drink/are Asian or whatever other trait someone may have. Or if you were in a group with 30 men and 2 women and they organised something which specifically didn't include just the 2 of you.

Sexnotgender · 31/08/2021 13:59

Not unreasonable at all to want a women’s only night.

TOTALLY unreasonable to do it on the main chat and exclude people. Set up a separate WA chat for those of you that want to go.

Pumperthepumper · 31/08/2021 13:59

[quote Covidworries]@Pumperthepumper

Proactive how? What do you expect him to have done?[/quote]
Set up his own group. Meet people himself. Contact another parent and ask to be included.

Not sit back and still be complaining 20 years later.

GreyhoundG1rl · 31/08/2021 14:00

To expect it to be all parents at all times is just crazy.
This is what I'm still confused about. Is it literally all parents, as in couples, or just the parents who actually do the school run who happen to be a mixture of male and female?
Can you clarify, op? Because it makes a huge difference.

GreyhoundG1rl · 31/08/2021 14:01

Set up his own group
Who the hell would join his group, when they'd all excluded him from theirs?!

thebeatingofthedrums · 31/08/2021 14:01

More people agree that having a mums night out only is actually ok. So no need for your aggressive post.

No one is disagreeing with organising a mums' night out. They're disagreeing with announcing it on a group chat with people who aren't allowed to come play.

Lightisnotwhite · 31/08/2021 14:02

Mums night out is fine. We did it. I was single parent. Having partners along makes it a parents night out and is completely different.
Dads did there own night out and after a year or two this because a cycling group as well.
Everyone was welcome at the end of term drinks including kids.

All had a place.

Pumperthepumper · 31/08/2021 14:02

@GreyhoundG1rl

Set up his own group Who the hell would join his group, when they'd all excluded him from theirs?!
Do you think he’s fundamentally unlikeable then?
MrsScrubbithatescleaning · 31/08/2021 14:03

Crack on OP.

The person who is making the effort to organise an event gets to decide who is invited.

If the menz want to go out and socialise, what’s stopping them organising something themselves?

iloveruby · 31/08/2021 14:05

@MeredithGreyishblue

And we wonder why there's still inequality.

Christ

Give over! Are you seriously trying to say that women still face discrimination and oppression because they don't invite men on their night out Hmm
MeredithGreyishblue · 31/08/2021 14:05

It might be different if there was a sahd doing daily playground pick ups and chat.

The fuck???

Winemewhynot · 31/08/2021 14:05

This post is batshit, it’s sexist and discrimination to have a mums night out organised on the class chat? Are the men really that precious that it should be discussed privately incase someone is upset?!

If OP set up a new group I’m sure some posters would be declaring that she’s forming cliques and segregating the group Grin