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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

'Are dads invited too?'

999 replies

SyIviescup · 31/08/2021 12:07

So the class watsap is starting to wake up. The majority are women but there a few dads floating about in it. That don't really contribute to the group at all.

There are a few of us who are friendly - not besties but enjoy going for lunch before pick up (if we can) or evening drinks/ meal out (term time as we all seem to disappear during the long summer holidays)

If we organise a play date outing such as at a play area/park ect its an open invite everyone is invited mums & dads, siblings- anyone.

But if a few of us fancy having a 'mums' night out, we have to extend it to the rest of the mums on the group, so they don't feel left out then the same two women ask if 'the dads can come too?'

Which changes the dynamics of the group. I've nothing against either blokes, they are nice, I chat to them at school but its just not the same. The last time they came, we/I was told that more male friendly/fun stuff should be organised like a night out go carting. I did say to him that he was welcome to organise that but it never came to fruition.

Im not the class rep, its not down to me to organise events that men would like, I don't know why they organise fuck all then expect to come out and sit with 10 women and then moan that they could be doing something more 'fun'.

Message this morning -

Person A - Hi every one hope you all had a great summer, a few of us are thinking about have a mums meal and drinks night out for a catch up on the xxxx, if you fancy it let me know so I can book table.

Person B - I'd love too, can dads come too.

Confused
OP posts:
Itsanewdah · 31/08/2021 13:20

Why is it weird that a parent (possibly the primary parent in terms of school) would want to spend time with other parents? Why does gender make a difference?
Yes to this! why is it weird that a dad shows an interest in meeting with other parents?

ZeroFuchsGiven · 31/08/2021 13:20

@TooManyDinosaurs1

My husband couldn't think of anything worse. I'm surprised there are men out there who actually want to be on a class WhatsApp group nevermind go out with a bunch of school mums, it's a bit weird really.

If these blokes want some company why don't they set up a dad's group, a school mum was telling me her other kids class the dads have one but it's literally just for pub outings, they aren't sat on there discussing uniform and school dinners like an actual class whatsapp, no that's left to the mums!

Dads taking an interest in their Children's schooling is weird?

Ive heard it all now.

Neveranynamesleft · 31/08/2021 13:21

It's a school group for parents so all parents in the group should be invited. If you only want certain people to go to certain events/ outings or whatever then arrange it out of that group chat.
If something had been arranged and you hadn't been invited I'm sure you'd be on here moaning that you've been excluded and how nasty they all were.
Personally I don't see the problem with dads going, the more the merrier and all that.

Lostmyway86 · 31/08/2021 13:22

Another WA group with those that are invited. Easy. Surely that's obvious?!

DoubleDeckerSwimmer · 31/08/2021 13:22

StrawberryLipstickStateOfMind

All the dads were at my NCT classes, including the breastfeeding ones. I think this was pretty standard.

The NHS classes I don't think has partners, but cannot now remember if they were explicitly excluded or it was because they were during work time.

MrsRobbieHart · 31/08/2021 13:23

I really didn't think men would find a mums night out so offensive tbh

They don’t. It’s your awful manners they find offensive.

TheWeatherWitch · 31/08/2021 13:24

Start a new Whattsapp group.

Omit the mums asking if dads can come.

Organise an evening out.

NChelpforDH2021 · 31/08/2021 13:25

I don't think you're BU. I don't think it's about the Dad's who come wanting to come on that specific night out either, more that there might be issues surrounding not wanting to be left at the home with the kids or wanting their partner to go out alone or the Mum not wanting to go without the crutch of their partner. Especially so because of the one who came but then basically wanted to be doing something else, go karting.

MsHedgehog · 31/08/2021 13:25

You are extremely rude. You can’t organise a night out on a shared WhatsApp group and exclude two men just because they’re men. It’s very much akin to bullying.

CustomerRelations · 31/08/2021 13:26

There is only two dads, that come. One is very quiet and the other one likes to take centre stage. It really does change the dynamics.

So basically there is one man you want to exclude because he's annoying? TBH I think you should all just try to be more assertive in not letting him dominate.

Dogoodfeelgood · 31/08/2021 13:27

YABU. Set up a separate group for the mums who regularly meet for wines and ladies nights.

GreyhoundG1rl · 31/08/2021 13:27

I'm surprised there are men out there who actually want to be on a class WhatsApp group nevermind go out with a bunch of school mums, it's a bit weird really.
It's not remotely weird. Why is the mum's wanting to hang out together not also weird, by your logic? They're all school gate parents 🤷🏻‍♀️
Far weirder to try to divide them into two separate factions for no reason at all.

thebeatingofthedrums · 31/08/2021 13:28

@MsHedgehog

You are extremely rude. You can’t organise a night out on a shared WhatsApp group and exclude two men just because they’re men. It’s very much akin to bullying.
This. If you want to organise events just for the women, you need a separate group for that.

Nothing wrong with a ladies night, but it is wrong to advertise to the men that they're being excluded. It feels very... playground to me.

A lot of other posters have given you similar advice, which you seem to be ignoring - what's the issue with a separate group?

Alternista · 31/08/2021 13:28

As has been said a million times:
Use the parents group to organise events for the parents group.

Start a chat with your mates to organise events with your mates.

Clear yet?

BoredZelda · 31/08/2021 13:29

Imagine MN mum starting a new job. It's in a male led industry. There are 45 men in the team and 5 women. They have set up a whatsapp to discuss work related matter. Then a man start to use the group to arrange getting together. The theme tends to be male led, playing darts in the local pub, but suggestion of doing something more lavish is met with sniggers

This is pretty much every other works trip out for me. Just last week, it was a golf outing they were arranging. The one before was 5 aside football. I’m not particularly bothered if that’s what they want to do, what bothers me more is the number of times I’m told I need to socialise with the team more because it is bad for morale if I don’t join in. I suggested an outing doing clay pigeon shooting (my hobby) and nobody wanted to do it. Even a night out for drinks/food needs to start with a pub crawl power drinking. I’d like to say it was just a problem with my current work colleagues but I’ve worked in the industry for 25 years and it has always been the same. Then they have the audacity to claim groups like Women in Property or Women in Construction are sexist and superfluous.

Those times when I’ve been invited to more mixed events with dinner or lunch and drinks it’s even perfectly fine.

PineappleWilson · 31/08/2021 13:29

Is this the adult version of "20 kids are invited to my party but I'm leeeting 4 of them stay on as a sleep over and won't tell the others until they all turn up on the day"?

This is a whole class group, so anything for small sub groups of you and your mates who have lunch together should form a separate WhatsApp group, not be posted on the main group, which is presumably for the more mundane "my DC has come home with the same type of she but a left size 2 and a right size 4. Has anyone else got a mis-matched pair from PE today?" type messages, not to organise social jollies, except possibly for whole-group picnics etc. in the school holidays, with the kids.

Dontwant2live · 31/08/2021 13:30

The term you're (almost) all looking for is 'SEX', it's not bloody 'gender', ffs!
Gender is a load of sexist shite.

willithappen · 31/08/2021 13:30

Agree with setting up a separate chat. Pretty rude to post in one with an invite for an event but specifically include two people

dcilovett · 31/08/2021 13:31

Very rude to use a group chat to organise something but not invite everyone. Set up a separate chat.

FangsForTheMemory · 31/08/2021 13:31

I think it's outrageous that this guy came to something YOU had taken the trouble to organise and thought it appropriate to tell you he'd like to do go-karting or whatever, then doesn't organise it presumably because that's wife work! What the fuck is stopping him from organising what he wants and seeing if anyone turns up (they won't. I've got experience of this). I would reply on the lines of 'No, sorry, this is a ladies night, I think the guys were planning go-karting or something.'

BoredZelda · 31/08/2021 13:32

It might be different if there was a sahd doing daily playground pick ups and chat.

So dads are Ok, as long as they don’t have a job outside the home?

Dentistlakes · 31/08/2021 13:32

@FlowerPower3110

YABU.

It's very rude to announce an event and only invite certain members of the group. If you want a mum's night only, you should make a separate Whatsapp group.

This.

DH often plays golf with other dads, but they don’t organise it via the class WhatsApp group. I know this is a larger group with potentially fewer excluded, but I still think it would be better to do it via a separate group.

GettingItOutThere · 31/08/2021 13:34

depends.. are the men who want to come IN the group? if so YABU

if it is a mum wanting to invite dads YANBU!

Having men there changes the dynamics!

4545454nc · 31/08/2021 13:34

Maybe it shouldn't have been done on the class whatsapp - that is going to have lots of Dads on it since it is for all parents, not just female ones.

Personally, I hate the Mums night out stuff, but if you enjoy that kind of Mums-only thing, contact the Mums directly.

Covidworries · 31/08/2021 13:35

My hubby was a single dad before we got together and he was never invited to things being the dad, it also made it more difficult for his children as often they got forgotten as the parents weren't friends in the same way the group of mums were.
I have a friend now who is a single dad and he went to all the baby groups when the children were younger and is part of the group but I dont know about mums nights as its not something I'm aware that happens currently.

I don't see the issue in having an open invite if its part of the whats app group. You mention inviting all the mums as not to leave them out but leave out others. Why not just arrange separately to whats app group to the ones you want to be with then its not a gender issue.