Page 12 | To not want a child I haven't met at my wedding?

strawberrydonuts · 2021-08-31T06:13:25+00:00

For our wedding next April we have stated quite clearly that we want all our friends and family to bring their children along. It's going to be a child friendly event, we love kids and are having lots of kids entertainment. However, my cousin has a relatively new boyfriend who I haven't met and he has a daughter around 8 or 9 who I also haven't met. Apparently the girl has ADHD and is not very well behaved. I'm also not that close to my cousin (only ever see her at family gatherings, we have no relationship outside of that, and it's about once a year!) I sent her an invite for Cousin +1 but she now wants to bring this boyfriend AND his daughter, even though the daughter could easily stay home with her mum. She just wants to come for the holiday as I live quite far away and it will be a family holiday for her (they're renting an Air B&B with a pool etc). I feel quite bad saying no but feel like I don't want a kid who a) I don't know and b) may be badly behaved?? I'm not anti-ADHD at all, in fact about 6 of the kids coming have ADHD/ autism/ special needs, but the point is we know them and have a relationship with them. AIBU to say no?

HugeBigButt · 31/08/2021 12:56

I have a couple of friends with step-children of much longer standing than a few months and it wouldn't even cross my mind to invite the children to my wedding? I don't know them, I only know my friend's boyfriend in passing, and his kids don't live full-time with them. I feel like it genuinely wouldn't cross anyone's mind to ask if they could come unless there was an actual need, like no one else being able to have them.

I wouldn't either.

I have two DSC who live with us half the time. They have only ever met one of my friends, there have been weddings over the years and they haven't been invited, no one cared. Why on earth would a friend invite two kids who aren't mine to a wedding when they literally only know my husband briefly. He'd never dream of being pissed off about it either.

Close family yes, I'd find it a bit strange if say my Mum remarried and didn't invite them, because she knows them and has seen them loads of times. But I'm thinking to my cousin who I also barely see and whilst I'd probably get an invite out of politeness, I certainly wouldn't expect her to extend it to my step children and I'm married to their Dad! I don't even know if she knows about them tbh! I'm sure she probably does in passing but not enough to think about them when sending invites out.

Blossomtoes · 31/08/2021 12:56

@Disneycharacter

It's your wedding and you can decide. Personally I feel the cousin is using this as an opportunity for a holiday with bf and DD rather than to celebrate your wedding. I'd say no.

That’s a stretch. If you’re going a long way for a wedding, why wouldn’t you combine it with a holiday?

HugeBigButt · 31/08/2021 12:58

But then we also don't believe in the whole MN trope that my family, even extended family, must treat my DSC as if they were my children at all times. Some of them even send presents at Christmas and birthdays for my son and not them because they've never met them dun dun dunnnnnnnnnn. No one's in therapy yet.

HugeBigButt · 31/08/2021 12:59

That’s a stretch. If you’re going a long way for a wedding, why wouldn’t you combine it with a holiday?

They can. But it's not up to OP to facilitate their holiday. If it's too far or too much effort they can decline the invite, or he can take his child out for the day. It really isn't the only option that she come to the wedding in order for them to be able to holiday.

ApplesAreTheBaneOfMyLife · 31/08/2021 13:05

I’d let her come so as not to upset anyone.

It sounds like a big wedding and I can’t believe one child could ruin it for everyone, however badly behaved (and she may not even be badly behaved).

Hadjab · 31/08/2021 13:17

@Winemewhynot

Your wedding, your guest list. I wouldn’t want a strange badly behaved kid coming either.

I would say to the cousin that no sorry there’s no room it’s a plus 1 not 2, but you’ll let her know if anyone drops out. Then that gives you extra time for the relationship to fail or for you to be able to meet the child and assess if her needs could cause problems on the day!

A strange badly behaved kid

Fuck’s sake

Rugsofhonour · 31/08/2021 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

aSofaNearYou · 31/08/2021 13:19

@Rugsofhonour

By not letting her come you are depriving her of a holiday with her dad. What difference does one more kid make when you have already said kids are welcome and you are providing kids entertainment? You are clearly concerned about her behaviour and you’re pretending it’s about not knowing her. Nobody ever knows everyone at their wedding.

For god sake no she is not denying her anything, how manipulative.

LittleMysSister · 31/08/2021 13:20

@HugeBigButt

I have a couple of friends with step-children of much longer standing than a few months and it wouldn't even cross my mind to invite the children to my wedding? I don't know them, I only know my friend's boyfriend in passing, and his kids don't live full-time with them. I feel like it genuinely wouldn't cross anyone's mind to ask if they could come unless there was an actual need, like no one else being able to have them.

I wouldn't either.

I have two DSC who live with us half the time. They have only ever met one of my friends, there have been weddings over the years and they haven't been invited, no one cared. Why on earth would a friend invite two kids who aren't mine to a wedding when they literally only know my husband briefly. He'd never dream of being pissed off about it either.

Close family yes, I'd find it a bit strange if say my Mum remarried and didn't invite them, because she knows them and has seen them loads of times. But I'm thinking to my cousin who I also barely see and whilst I'd probably get an invite out of politeness, I certainly wouldn't expect her to extend it to my step children and I'm married to their Dad! I don't even know if she knows about them tbh! I'm sure she probably does in passing but not enough to think about them when sending invites out.

Same here, I also have 2 SCs.

My friends would never even think to invite them to their weddings, tbh even my DP would find it strange since they have mainly never met them. It's also not the way he'd want to spend his limited time with them anyway, I think he would rather switch weekends than waste a day with them attending the wedding of someone even he barely knows.

They would get casual invites to BBQs or parties in case they happened to be around, but we'd never expect them to be invited to a wedding with us on my side.

Zenithbear · 31/08/2021 13:27

Yanbu
Invite who you want. I think it is rude to ask to bring an extra. If we ever get married it will be gc only.
I went to a wedding where someones dc absolutely wrecked it, running round the tables when guests were eating and shouting throughout the speeches. Parents sat and laughed.

HugeBigButt · 31/08/2021 13:31

@Rugsofhonour

By not letting her come you are depriving her of a holiday with her dad. What difference does one more kid make when you have already said kids are welcome and you are providing kids entertainment? You are clearly concerned about her behaviour and you’re pretending it’s about not knowing her. Nobody ever knows everyone at their wedding.

Get a grip. She's doing nothing of the sort. If it's a problem Dad can take her to the beach or something while the cousin goes to the wedding.

aSofaNearYou · 31/08/2021 13:38

You have given your cousin a plus 1, so I think you need to accept her decision to bring her DP and his DD.

This makes zero sense. Are the DP and DD one person?

She gave her cousin a plus 1, so the cousin needs to accept that she can only bring one person.

LittleMysSister · 31/08/2021 13:48

Get a grip. She's doing nothing of the sort. If it's a problem Dad can take her to the beach or something while the cousin goes to the wedding.

Good point! If it's that big a deal, bf can just not attend the wedding and they can crack on with their holiday afterwards. Cousin can attend with her family.

Genegenieee · 31/08/2021 14:05

Just say no. If nearer the time she's still with BF and you've met the child and think it will be ok you can say we've had an unexpected late pull out, does your BF'sD want to come?

TractorAndHeadphones · 31/08/2021 14:13

@HugeBigButt

But then we also don't believe in the whole MN trope that my family, even extended family, must treat my DSC as if they were my children at all times. Some of them even send presents at Christmas and birthdays for my son and not them because they've never met them

dun dun dunnnnnnnnnn. No one's in therapy yet.

MN thinks that step-children should be included and treated as part of the family for all the good bits. Like presents and holidays. But not for all the bad bits (essential part of parenting) like enforcing house rules . Oh no, how dare a step parent dictate what a step child can and can’t do.

I don’t think kids should be left out but if they’re to be treated as entirely part of the family then it goes both ways. Good and bad. Of course there are bad step parents but equally there are bad NRP whose partners are better parents to the step!

theleafandnotthetree · 31/08/2021 14:17

@Rugsofhonour

By not letting her come you are depriving her of a holiday with her dad. What difference does one more kid make when you have already said kids are welcome and you are providing kids entertainment? You are clearly concerned about her behaviour and you’re pretending it’s about not knowing her. Nobody ever knows everyone at their wedding.

Are you for real, depriving her of a holiday with her dad indeed. What possible responsibility does the OP have to the welfare/capacity to have a holiday of her (barely known) cousin's new boyfriends daughter? You might as well say she is depriving the waitstaff of time they could be spending with their loved ones, that's how batshit you sound.

ThePersonFromPorlock · 31/08/2021 14:19

Assuming this isn't a wind up (OP hasn't been back, although it could be shame/embarrassment, given the responses), I think it would be mean not to let the child attend. If no other children were going to be there, that would be different, but in these circumstances, where's the harm?

You don't know much about ADHD (particularly how it manifests in girls) if you're wheeling out the tired old stereotype about 'bad' behaviour. But, that aside, the child's behaviour is the responsibility of her dad and nobody else. Believe me, your wedding will be noisy with children there, with or without the added element of special needs. I'm in NI, have been to loads of big weddings and have yet to be at one that is child free - and the kids are always very much 'there' It's exciting for them ... until they get bored. It makes for a particular type of wedding, which is completely fine as long as you know what you're getting!

aSofaNearYou · 31/08/2021 14:45

Assuming this isn't a wind up (OP hasn't been back, although it could be shame/embarrassment, given the responses), I think it would be mean not to let the child attend.

Well that's you seeing things from your perspective because from mine more than half of the responses have been supportive. OP has nothing to be ashamed about.

ThePersonFromPorlock · 31/08/2021 15:00

@aSofaNearYou I agree that she has nothing to be ashamed of with regard to whether she should invite a child she doesn't know to her wedding. I believe it's a bit mean not to, but that's just my opinion. And opinions were asked for. But her remarks about the child's ADHD were largely criticised by many posters ... and rightly so.

NotJuryDutyAgain · 31/08/2021 15:15

Weddings are for friends and family. This particular girl is neither. The only reason even her father is invited is as a plus one. No, I wouldn't be happy to have her there, honestly. The problem is that you don't know her and she has a reputation for misbehaving, regardless of her ADHD diagnosis. Really, who wants to risk a misbehaving child they don't even know at their wedding?

You might look rude to your cousin if you refuse, but worse things happen. In your place, I'd be regretting having ever invited that cousin!

PrincessNutella · 31/08/2021 15:43

If you're having other children, then I think it is unfair to exclude this child.

theleafandnotthetree · 31/08/2021 15:58

@PrincessNutella

If you're having other children, then I think it is unfair to exclude this child.

Would it still be unfair if every single other person coming asked could they bring plus 2 instead of 1? Neither of the two are family nor familiar to the OP and to say she owes them nothing is putting it mildly. The OP's cousin is the one who is being unfair here, putting the OP in an awkward position and being very cheeky. So she should be rewarded for this?

traintraveller · 31/08/2021 16:39

@PrincessNutella

If you're having other children, then I think it is unfair to exclude this child.

Yeah OP, just have every child in a 5 mile radius at your wedding

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 31/08/2021 16:49

just have every child in a 5 mile radius at your wedding

Every other child within a five mile radius who has even the faintest connection with the family will be going to the wedding. That's how a destination wedding works.

aSofaNearYou · 31/08/2021 17:19

[quote ThePersonFromPorlock]@aSofaNearYou I agree that she has nothing to be ashamed of with regard to whether she should invite a child she doesn't know to her wedding. I believe it's a bit mean not to, but that's just my opinion. And opinions were asked for. But her remarks about the child's ADHD were largely criticised by many posters ... and rightly so.[/quote]
No more people got their back up about that than didn't though. I can't say I agree that her remarks - ie mentioning that a child was apparently badly behaved - were anything shocking or unacceptable. This is a natural discussion many people have about children who behave in a way that can be described as challenging. It's not inappropriate to not pretend not to have noticed.