To not want a child I haven't met at my wedding?

[strawberrydonuts]

For our wedding next April we have stated quite clearly that we want all our friends and family to bring their children along. It's going to be a child friendly event, we love kids and are having lots of kids entertainment.

However, my cousin has a relatively new boyfriend who I haven't met and he has a daughter around 8 or 9 who I also haven't met. Apparently the girl has ADHD and is not very well behaved. I'm also not that close to my cousin (only ever see her at family gatherings, we have no relationship outside of that, and it's about once a year!)

I sent her an invite for Cousin +1 but she now wants to bring this boyfriend AND his daughter, even though the daughter could easily stay home with her mum. She just wants to come for the holiday as I live quite far away and it will be a family holiday for her (they're renting an Air B&B with a pool etc).

I feel quite bad saying no but feel like I don't want a kid who a) I don't know and b) may be badly behaved?? I'm not anti-ADHD at all, in fact about 6 of the kids coming have ADHD/ autism/ special needs, but the point is we know them and have a relationship with them. AIBU to say no?

@MrsSkylerWhite

Don’t understand what difference one more child makes if it’s a “child-friendly” wedding 🤷‍♀️

Because she's an extra guest?? Child or not.

Venues are very strict on numbers and charges are per head. People don't generally have spare space to fill at a wedding as their package only covers X amount of guests.

My sister is having a nightmare with her wedding numbers and her fiance has invited too many people on his side so she's having to hope some drop out!

What if the child hurts herself or similar and OP gets blamed?

What if she gets abducted by aliens? Ridiculous.

Tbh I think OP is being pretty generous even inviting her cousin's bf!! Given she's not even close with her cousin, he's new on the scene and she's never even met him. Let alone his daughter as well.

I’m sure that if the OP was bringing a female friend as a plus one and that plus one wanted to bring her daughter, people would think the p,us one was being a CF.

My 3 month old niece screamed through our vows in church meaning that the congregation didn’t hear them and some of them were a bit miffed. I didn’t really mind as the vows were for me and DH but I did wonder why they didn’t take her out of the church.

Perhaps that’s the answer “of course she can come, we are just asking all the parents bringing children to take them out/keep them quiet during the vows and speeches please”

This statement we have stated quite clearly that we want all our friends and family to bring their children along is clearly NOT true.

It's either child friendly and children are welcome or it's not

What you actually mean is that you are happy to have a few children that you've know and have pre screened to attend.

Your wedding do what you want but you are a hypocrite

This sounds mean..

She just wants to come for the holiday as I live quite far away and it will be a family holiday for her (they're renting an Air B&B with a pool etc).

If you haven't even met your cousin's partner yet, I'm a bit puzzled how you know that her partner's DD could "easily" stay home with her mother. Your cousin and her DP have built their family holiday around your wedding, timed their holiday plans and location to fit your dates. That seems fairly serious between them and quite an effort from them.

A wedding is one day, and you and DH are going to be married for a long time. Maybe your cousin and her new partner will be together for a long time too. It's no harm to be gracious.

What if the child hurts herself or similar and OP gets blamed?

Who would blame the OP? The child is her father's responsibility, and the OP's cousin's, even at a wedding. If she needs supervision then they need to supervise.

@CounsellorTroi

I’m sure that if the OP was bringing a female friend as a plus one and that plus one wanted to bring her daughter, people would think the p,us one was being a CF.

Exactly. Personally I think a plus one itself is pretty generous. But it feels obvious to me that when OP says children are welcome, she means children of the actual guests she knows, not the plus one's. Surely when you are a plus one you are aware you are already a generous extension, not someone who can and should ask to bring more people.

There would be no limits to how many people could end up coming if it worked like that. What if the person the plus one asks to bring, also wants to bring someone?

It's perfectly natural for the invite not to extend that far.

If it’s a child friendly event then I don’t understand why one more would make much difference (budget allowing).

There will be loads that don’t behave well on the day. I wouldn’t let that be the reason to say no.

You say you haven’t met her partner yet still extended the invite to him. Not having met the child therefore feels largely irrelevant.

Op ADHD doesn’t always mean terrible behaviour. You are basing that on a stereotype and what you have heard about that child.

My dd has ADHD and can sit quite nicely during weddings but I prepare for it. Noise cancelling headphones, something to distract her (yes usually in the form of a screen) but that really ha no effect on the people around her.

I get it about a random child that you don’t necessarily want there. But you made it about disability and that is a dick move. Believe it or not parents who have children with disabilities are usually hyper aware of what others think. We don’t need it pointed out quite so obviously.

Plenty of kids who don’t have disabilities misbehave as well. It’s not exclusive to those with ADHD.

You say you haven’t met her partner yet still extended the invite to him. Not having met the child therefore feels largely irrelevant.

There's a reason wedding invites specify plus one, not plus however many you like. It is farcical to expect a situation where for every guest OP and her husband to be knows, there could be two (or more) people she doesn't.

@GintyMcGinty

This statement we have stated quite clearly that we want all our friends and family to bring their children along is clearly NOT true.

It's either child friendly and children are welcome or it's not

What you actually mean is that you are happy to have a few children that you've know and have pre screened to attend.

Your wedding do what you want but you are a hypocrite

But this is bizarre, OP presumably didn't even know this child would be a factor when she originally planned her wedding and did her guest list?

It's not reasonable to expect a bride to add extra guests after invites have gone out.

I'm sure there will be people attending who were single at the time of invite but now are not - it wouldn't be reasonable for them to ask for their new DPs to be invited either.

I think this is really cheeky and I feel like people are only being harsh on OP because the extra person is a child.

@GintyMcGinty

This statement we have stated quite clearly that we want all our friends and family to bring their children along is clearly NOT true.

It's either child friendly and children are welcome or it's not

What you actually mean is that you are happy to have a few children that you've know and have pre screened to attend.

Your wedding do what you want but you are a hypocrite

It's child friendly as opposed to 'adults only' weddings and that the children are catered for rather than being shoved in a corner (as happens with weddings where there are only 2 or 3 children). It doesn't mean that all children are welcome regardless of connection. As pp mentioned - if someone brought a plus one with 5 kids they certainly wouldn't all be welcome as there's still a cost to feed them etc.

I'm surprised you've already sent the invites out. It's usual to send them about 6-8 weeks prior to the wedding.
I understand 'Save The Date' cards, but that wouldn't stipulate plus ones, etc.
I realise that there seems to be a need for accommodation for guests, but surely you'd prioritise that for closest family, friends and bridal party?
This dilemma might have worked itself out by the time the invites landed on the doormat if you'd waited until the New Year before sending them.

@AmaryllisNightAndDay

She just wants to come for the holiday as I live quite far away and it will be a family holiday for her (they're renting an Air B&B with a pool etc).

If you haven't even met your cousin's partner yet, I'm a bit puzzled how you know that her partner's DD could "easily" stay home with her mother. Your cousin and her DP have built their family holiday around your wedding, timed their holiday plans and location to fit your dates. That seems fairly serious between them and quite an effort from them.

A wedding is one day, and you and DH are going to be married for a long time. Maybe your cousin and her new partner will be together for a long time too. It's no harm to be gracious.

What if the child hurts herself or similar and OP gets blamed?

Who would blame the OP? The child is her father's responsibility, and the OP's cousin's, even at a wedding. If she needs supervision then they need to supervise.

It’s not OP’s problem that they have built their holiday around her wedding.

It sounds like cousin’s family has booked a villa with pool and the cousin is treating this is as a cheap mostly paid for holiday.

Which is fine, but that doesn’t mean OP has to invite her NEW boyfriend’s daughter to her wedding.

@Gazelda

I'm surprised you've already sent the invites out. It's usual to send them about 6-8 weeks prior to the wedding. I understand 'Save The Date' cards, but that wouldn't stipulate plus ones, etc. I realise that there seems to be a need for accommodation for guests, but surely you'd prioritise that for closest family, friends and bridal party? This dilemma might have worked itself out by the time the invites landed on the doormat if you'd waited until the New Year before sending them.

I don't think this is true tbh, any wedding invite I've received has been a good few months ahead of the date, minimum. Some have been over a year in advance?

6-8 weeks seems very short notice for a wedding invite.

@Gazelda

I'm surprised you've already sent the invites out. It's usual to send them about 6-8 weeks prior to the wedding. I understand 'Save The Date' cards, but that wouldn't stipulate plus ones, etc. I realise that there seems to be a need for accommodation for guests, but surely you'd prioritise that for closest family, friends and bridal party? This dilemma might have worked itself out by the time the invites landed on the doormat if you'd waited until the New Year before sending them.

Eh?! Totally normal to send wedding invites even a year in advance.

@GintyMcGinty

This statement we have stated quite clearly that we want all our friends and family to bring their children along is clearly NOT true.

It's either child friendly and children are welcome or it's not

What you actually mean is that you are happy to have a few children that you've know and have pre screened to attend.

Your wedding do what you want but you are a hypocrite

But all 'child-friendly' weddings are surely only 'child-friendly' to those children who are invited?

It doesn't mean everyone is free to bring any children they want?

I don't see how it's hypocritical of OP to not include a child who she didn't even know about to factor in inviting at the time, and whose parent she has never even met? And whose new step-parent she only sees once a year!

[quote SamiReed1]@HungryHippo11 I'm hardly a misery guts for thinking an adults function should be for adults. It's not a function for children. Full stop. There is nothing at a wedding for children, except sitting still for hours at a table. I guess I just understand children.[/quote]
Weddings are about celebrating marriage in front of and with friends and family. They're not traditionally adults-only. If you prefer no children that's your look-out but don't make out others are weird for wanting to have a family celebration.

@LittleMysSister (sorry can't quote) good point about adding guests - what if other people also have new partners with children??

people are being harsh on OP because she mentioned ADHD and misbheaviour.
Loads of posters saying that 'their child has ADHD and is well behaved' but their child isn't this child.
Again whether OP is discriminating depends on whether she knows this for sure or whether she's being prejudiced.
FWIW I have ADHD, I wouldn't invite children whom I didn;t know and whose parents I haven't either! ADHD is a red herring

Also thread after thread on mumsnet about how 'step parents shouldn't discipline step children, as it's not their child! Talk to their actual parent!'

Suddenly everyone turns around and expects the cousin to be responsible for a child that's not his own??!

V.v. contradictory.

It sounds like cousin’s family has booked a villa with pool and the cousin is treating this is as a cheap mostly paid for holiday.

How is it mostly paid for? No-one has ever paid my expenses to go to a cousin's wedding. Though I didn't read it as "cousin's family" booking the villa, just the cousin and DP, but maybe I misread.

[quote TractorAndHeadphones]@LittleMysSister (sorry can't quote) good point about adding guests - what if other people also have new partners with children??

people are being harsh on OP because she mentioned ADHD and misbheaviour.
Loads of posters saying that 'their child has ADHD and is well behaved' but their child isn't this child.
Again whether OP is discriminating depends on whether she knows this for sure or whether she's being prejudiced.
FWIW I have ADHD, I wouldn't invite children whom I didn;t know and whose parents I haven't either! ADHD is a red herring

Also thread after thread on mumsnet about how 'step parents shouldn't discipline step children, as it's not their child! Talk to their actual parent!'

Suddenly everyone turns around and expects the cousin to be responsible for a child that's not his own??!

V.v. contradictory.[/quote]
Yes I think if OP had left out the ADHD element she might be getting a better response, because I honestly can't see how anybody genuinely thinks it's reasonable to expect a bride & groom to be able to just add guests on demand when the invites have already been sent out.

It's not even like it's a close friend asking this, even the 'main' guest in this party is someone OP only sees once a year and has presumably only invited because she is a cousin and it would be rude not to ask her.

[quote SamiReed1]@HungryHippo11 I'm hardly a misery guts for thinking an adults function should be for adults. It's not a function for children. Full stop. There is nothing at a wedding for children, except sitting still for hours at a table. I guess I just understand children.[/quote]
Depends what the wedding is like, obviously. I've worked at weddings and I've seen ones which had entertainers for the kids, bouncy castles, bubbles, activity packs for them at the table and so on. My daughter is 4 and I know she would enjoy a wedding.

It is what you make it. Make it an adults function for adults, or make it a family function for the family. "Full stop" 🙄

I they are away from home for a few days because of your wedding, they can hardly leave the child alone. You don't know that she will be badly behaved, some other children may be. You say you want the wedding to be family-friendly and you love children, I don't see what difference one more will make.

At the same I get that it is your wedding and up to you who you invite, it just seems odd to particularly exclude one child because you've not met her. This could end up being a long term relationship for your cousin, on the other hand it could be all over by the time of your wedding.