To not want a child I haven't met at my wedding?

[strawberrydonuts]

For our wedding next April we have stated quite clearly that we want all our friends and family to bring their children along. It's going to be a child friendly event, we love kids and are having lots of kids entertainment.

However, my cousin has a relatively new boyfriend who I haven't met and he has a daughter around 8 or 9 who I also haven't met. Apparently the girl has ADHD and is not very well behaved. I'm also not that close to my cousin (only ever see her at family gatherings, we have no relationship outside of that, and it's about once a year!)

I sent her an invite for Cousin +1 but she now wants to bring this boyfriend AND his daughter, even though the daughter could easily stay home with her mum. She just wants to come for the holiday as I live quite far away and it will be a family holiday for her (they're renting an Air B&B with a pool etc).

I feel quite bad saying no but feel like I don't want a kid who a) I don't know and b) may be badly behaved?? I'm not anti-ADHD at all, in fact about 6 of the kids coming have ADHD/ autism/ special needs, but the point is we know them and have a relationship with them. AIBU to say no?

OP I think you're getting a hard time here. I also think that some pp's are hypocrites. Imagine if your cousin was posting to ask if she should ask the bride if she could bring her new bf's DD to the wedding. Not only would she be told she was unreasonable but she'd be told that she shouldn't have even met the bf's DD at this point.

The difference between this child and the other children is that, presumably, the OP knows whether the other parents will take their child/ren out, if they misbehave, or not. She doesn't know if the bf is a hands on parent or a Disney dad.

don't be guilt-tripped by the braying masses on here into inviting someone you don't know who's related to someone you don't know who's currently stepping out with someone you barely know.

@TractorAndHeadphones It's child friendly as opposed to 'adults only' weddings and that the children are catered for rather than being shoved in a corner (as happens with weddings where there are only 2 or 3 children). It doesn't mean that all children are welcome regardless of connection. As pp mentioned - if someone brought a plus one with 5 kids they certainly wouldn't all be welcome as there's still a cost to feed them etc

I am just going by what OP said which was we have stated quite clearly that we want all our friends and family to bring their children along. It's going to be a child friendly event, we love kids and are having lots of kids entertainment

And then followed by her assumptions: I feel quite bad saying no but feel like I don't want a kid who a) I don't know and b) may be badly behaved??

OP can do whatever she wants - its her wedding. I just think its hypocritical to "state" she "wants" all friends and family to bring their children to her child friendly wedding - except this one.

I they are away from home for a few days because of your wedding, they can hardly leave the child alone.

So they’ve put the OP in a really awkward position. Over a barrel.

Normally I'd say your wedding your choice but you've explicitly stated it's a child friendly wedding lots of entertainment for children etc.
I think YABU to say no to one child who you probably won't even notice is there whilst your enjoying your day. I think it would look really bad if you said no and then for your cousin to turn up and see lots of kids playing and having fun.

It seems a bit unfair to just assume this child will cause trouble because she has a disability, you have no idea if any of the other children will be miss behaving because that's what kids do, especially when they are excited.

don't be guilt-tripped by the braying masses on here into inviting someone you don't know who's related to someone you don't know who's currently stepping out with someone you barely know.

@Buffoonborisisatwat exactly!

And half the braying masses haven’t even understood the OP as they keep telling OP it’s her cousin’s daughter. It’s not.

@CounsellorTroi

I they are away from home for a few days because of your wedding, they can hardly leave the child alone.

So they’ve put the OP in a really awkward position. Over a barrel.

No they haven’t. If she says no, presumably they’ll either cancel the holiday and decline the invitation or the kid and her dad will do something else on the day. No barrels involved.

I don’t quite see the drama at this point. It sounds like it’s been made pretty clear that the wedding will be welcoming to kids. At this point all the cousin has asked is if the child can come, doesn’t sound like she’s demanded it, or kicked off at being told no. It seems a reasonable question if much has been made of the child friendliness element.
OP doesn’t state what ‘relatively new’ means, could be anything but if she’s in the girls life, and they’re holiday planning for April, I suspect it’s not as new as some are assuming, the cousin may well see the girl as family. Are there other cousins with their own kids who will be bringing them along?

It seems really mean to leave her out. If one of your closest friends had a new partner with a child, would you exclude them if they asked if they could come? The way you talk about your cousin makes me think you don't really like her very much. If there's going to be lots of children there, what difference does one more make?

The OP said it had been made clear that they want friends and family to bring their children along. This wee lassie is not the child of friends or family.

@traintraveller

The OP said it had been made clear that they want friends and family to bring their children along. This wee lassie is not the child of friends or family.

Agree 💯

And sounds like the cousin doesn’t actually care about OP or her wedding.

Well if they're planning to combine it with holiday, then either they all come or none do. Your choice.

You cannot demand that they arrange childcare for this child, while they are at a wedding full of children, with children's entertainment provided. That would be horrible.

@PhoenixReincarnated

OP I think you're getting a hard time here. I also think that some pp's are hypocrites. Imagine if your cousin was posting to ask if she should ask the bride if she could bring her new bf's DD to the wedding. Not only would she be told she was unreasonable but she'd be told that she shouldn't have even met the bf's DD at this point.

The difference between this child and the other children is that, presumably, the OP knows whether the other parents will take their child/ren out, if they misbehave, or not. She doesn't know if the bf is a hands on parent or a Disney dad.

This x1000! Just because there’s already lots of children’s entertainment doesn’t mean parents don’t need to be responsible.

In this case I’d be even warier actually of inviting unknowns - because they might think they can let their hair down and allow kids to run riot … as ‘there are so many kids, someone else will look after them too.’

Sadly I speak from experience. Weddings with small amount of kids put more pressure on parents to make sure they behave. ‘Child friendly’ weddings had lots of parents thinking that kids entertainment (e.g balloon clown) was a free babysitter. And left other more responsible parents supervising…

@traintraveller

The OP said it had been made clear that they want friends and family to bring their children along. This wee lassie is not the child of friends or family.

@GintyMcGintynthis

She’s a cheeky fucker requesting another guest at a wedding. Tell her that’s not appropriate, the ADHD is irrelevant. She must be aware of the extra costs? Way cheeky.

@lottiegarbanzo

Well if they're planning to combine it with holiday, then either they all come or none do. Your choice.

You cannot demand that they arrange childcare for this child, while they are at a wedding full of children, with children's entertainment provided. That would be horrible.

But OP hasn’t demanded that they arrange childcare.

I get the impression OP wouldn’t mind if they declined, and I don’t blame her.

So you're welcome to say no. That's fine. Then your cousin probably won't come. Which sounds like it's fine too.

OP can do whatever she wants - its her wedding. I just think its hypocritical to "state" she "wants" all friends and family to bring their children to her child friendly wedding - except this one.

The child isn't a child of friends or family.

The child has obviously been included to the cousins family meet ups for the diagnosis to be known and the “behaviour” to be discussed. The OP seems to know a lot for such a “relatively new relationship”. Not sure where it was stated children are welcome, verbally or on the invitation. It’s easy to see why the cousin and boyfriend would check the actual arrangements as the description of the wedding sounds inclusive.

Did I say she had phishy ? Good god. The tediously hole-picky responses on here fairly boggle the mind sometimes.

As per my first line: Well if they're planning to combine it with holiday, then either they all come or none do. Your choice.

@Whiskers4

How did you word the other invitations, ie was it family member + partner + named children? If so, it's clear who you intended to invite from that every family and that their individual children were included. If it's been more of a general invite, family member + partner, children weren't named but accepted as included, it's only fair that his daughter is included. Unfortunately, children as adults, come along with lots of different personalities and issues. I don't know how long OP and been with her new partner, but if they're still together in April, I think you have to accept them as a couple and the fact that perhaps his DD is seen by your cousin as a DS and partner of her wider family.

I agree with this. It's understandable you feel slightly apprehensive as you haven't met the child, but you don't need to have met everyone that attends your wedding. You have given your cousin a plus one, so I think you need to accept her decision to bring her partner and his DD. It's a child friendly wedding. Plus, you're getting married and on the day will be far too busy with that than to be worrying about how one child is behaving. If the wee girl really misbehaves very badly, someone else can mention to the dad to maybe bring her outside... but he will probably do that anyway. With other kids running around, I'm sure it won't be an issue. Plus, if you are concerned about managing your wedding so that there is no misbehaviour, you should give that idea up now... usually someone at a wedding is ill-behaved... and it's usually an adult who's had too much to drink! (Or is that only in Ireland? Every wedding I've been at, anyway! ) I think you should try to not worry about it and let them come as they intend... if you say no, yes that's your decision to make, but you will be spoiling their whole holiday, and certain people in the family will probably always think of you as quite uptight after that. I know some people get quite controlling and anxious around their big day which is understandable (and I'm not saying that that's you, necessarily) - but remember it's just a day, and though it will be brilliant and you'll have fab memories, it will also pass nearly in a blur - your cousin etc won't be at the same table as you. If you're really worried why not appoint an unofficial "child minder" type role to someone close at the wedding... someone who can just keep an eye and stop the kids from creating too much havoc? Usually kids are good fun on the dancefloor at a wedding... lots of bouncing about and cartwheels... if there's kids repeatedly screaming maybe have someone that will go over and politely ask a parent to calm them down... but you'll usually find that someone will naturally do that anyway. I had a drunken guest (an annoying plus-1) that heckled me as before my speech I was trying to do a minute's silence for an aunt that had just died. I put him down verbally with a quip,and someone else without me saying quietly asked him to leave after that, which was great. Things happen, they're taken care of. The less micro-managing the better, imho...

Your wedding, your guest list. Guests should never ask to add other people, including their DC, to an invite.

Your mistake was mentioning ADHD and that it’s a child-friendly wedding otherwise you would have had entirely different responses. This child and her father are not related to you, you’ve never met them, and neither are entitled to an invitation. You also have little relationship with your cousin and probably invited them out of family obligation so proceed as you wish to and not the braying masses on here.

@lottiegarbanzo

Did I say she had phishy ? Good god. The tediously hole-picky responses on here fairly boggle the mind sometimes.

As per my first line: Well if they're planning to combine it with holiday, then either they all come or none do. Your choice.

You said ‘ You cannot demand that they arrange childcare for this child’, when OP didn’t imply anything of the sort 🤷‍♀️

I hardly think your own contributions are particularly edifying. It’s AIBU!

Honestly I don't think you are unreasonable here. You gave her a +1, not a +2.
The fact that it's a child is irrelevant. Asking to bring another guest is the height of rudeness.
Be firm and tell her that unfortunately you are at capacity for guests

@WaterBottle123

God I can't think of anything worse at age 9 than to be dragged to mums new boyfriends cousins wedding. Would be so boring for a kid that age.

Sounds like cousin and boyfriend are trying to play happy families, tedious.

Say no for the sake of the poor child!

Why do so many people hate attending weddings on mumsnet?

I am starting to feel strange because I love going to weddings and even when I was a child it would have been an absolute treat for me, no matter whose wedding it was.