To not want a child I haven't met at my wedding?

[strawberrydonuts]

For our wedding next April we have stated quite clearly that we want all our friends and family to bring their children along. It's going to be a child friendly event, we love kids and are having lots of kids entertainment.

However, my cousin has a relatively new boyfriend who I haven't met and he has a daughter around 8 or 9 who I also haven't met. Apparently the girl has ADHD and is not very well behaved. I'm also not that close to my cousin (only ever see her at family gatherings, we have no relationship outside of that, and it's about once a year!)

I sent her an invite for Cousin +1 but she now wants to bring this boyfriend AND his daughter, even though the daughter could easily stay home with her mum. She just wants to come for the holiday as I live quite far away and it will be a family holiday for her (they're renting an Air B&B with a pool etc).

I feel quite bad saying no but feel like I don't want a kid who a) I don't know and b) may be badly behaved?? I'm not anti-ADHD at all, in fact about 6 of the kids coming have ADHD/ autism/ special needs, but the point is we know them and have a relationship with them. AIBU to say no?

@Boulshired

The child has obviously been included to the cousins family meet ups for the diagnosis to be known and the “behaviour” to be discussed. The OP seems to know a lot for such a “relatively new relationship”. Not sure where it was stated children are welcome, verbally or on the invitation. It’s easy to see why the cousin and boyfriend would check the actual arrangements as the description of the wedding sounds inclusive.

Not necessarily- family might have provided emergency childcare. Cousin may have had child at home while family were visiting her. Lots of possibilities where the child was there without her actively being invited as part of family events organised by someone else.

Agree though that it’s not cheeky for them to ask! It would be cheeky if they made a fuss

Saying someone cannot do something is not the same as saying they have already done it, or even that they had planned to do it. It is saying that cannot, should not do that thing.

@TabithaTiger

It seems really mean to leave her out. If one of your closest friends had a new partner with a child, would you exclude them if they asked if they could come? The way you talk about your cousin makes me think you don't really like her very much. If there's going to be lots of children there, what difference does one more make?

But it's not one of her closest friends is it, it's a cousin who she barely sees and probably is only even invited herself out of politeness. She is lucky to have even got a plus one for her bf!

"I just think its hypocritical to "state" she "wants" all friends and family to bring their children to her child friendly wed"

The parent and child is neither friend or family. My DD is attending an abroad wedding if a really good friend. She split with her DP and asked if she could take another family member. The bride asked if they could all meet for food/drink. That's perfectly reasonable. It's a big occasion in someone's life and an expensive one for every guest, one person doesn't get to ruin that, for everyone. The cousin's invite is a +1 and that's it. Children of a boyfriend of less than a year, don't have to be accommodated.

"they are away from home for a few days because of your wedding, they can hardly leave the child alone."

Only one of them has a child and isn't the resident parent. If he can't go, then the OP's cousin can take a friend to what is a family wedding. It's unhealthy to be that attached to a new boyfriend, that she couldn't go without his child, for everyone concerned.

[quote GintyMcGinty]**@TractorAndHeadphones* It's child friendly as opposed to 'adults only' weddings and that the children are catered for rather than being shoved in a corner (as happens with weddings where there are only 2 or 3 children). It doesn't mean that all children are welcome regardless of connection. As pp mentioned - if someone brought a plus one with 5 kids they certainly wouldn't all be welcome as there's still a cost to feed them etc*

I am just going by what OP said which was we have stated quite clearly that we want all our friends and family to bring their children along. It's going to be a child friendly event, we love kids and are having lots of kids entertainment

And then followed by her assumptions: I feel quite bad saying no but feel like I don't want a kid who a) I don't know and b) may be badly behaved??

OP can do whatever she wants - its her wedding. I just think its hypocritical to "state" she "wants" all friends and family to bring their children to her child friendly wedding - except this one.[/quote]
The new boyfriend is neither family nor a friend. She’s a child of a +1.

I’d probably end up letting her come for the sake of family harmony. But all these melodramatic posts of what would they do with her if op says no are missing the point. This couple have decided to make a holiday of her wedding, which is their prerogative, but in so doing, they have a booked cottage with pool and are trying to guilt op into having their dd at the wedding. If op decides not to extend the invitation to her, her dad being only a +1 can stay at the cottage too.

I think your cousin is a CF. I am going to a wedding of an older friend next month. It’s 3.5 hours drive away so we can’t go there and back in a day. I live with my DP and he has 2 kids. My friend has met my DP once. But I would not dream of asking her if his kids could come. How cheeky! She doesn’t know his kids. She barely knows my DP. Why would she want his kids at her wedding? We have arranged child care to cover the day/night.

guilt op into having his* dd at their wedding

*old friend (not “older”)

I would find this really hard.
I don't think the ADHD is relevant as all children can be unpredictable or misbehave. I guess it depends on what they mean by behaviour issues (if she lashes out at other kids then obviously that would be something to steer clear of).
I suppose it's the fact you don't know her at all that may make things difficult, although you say it's child friendly with lots of kids entertainment (maybe this is why they assumed you would be fine with them bringing her along).
At the end of the day it is your wedding. Just go with your instinct.

@Buffoonborisisatwat

don't be guilt-tripped by the braying masses on here into inviting someone you don't know who's related to someone you don't know who's currently stepping out with someone you barely know.

🤣 Brilliantly put

You’re entitled to have who you want at your wedding and you should not worry about saying no. It’s not actually unusual for new partners not to be invited at all if they’re not known by the two people getting married, so the “+1” is already generous IMO. Your cousin may have picked up on the child-friendly nature of your wedding so thinks it’s worth asking but I think it’s a bit cheeky to bring two people you don’t know (and it could be really boring for the daughter anyway).

As for the ADHD, how much do you know about it @strawberrydonuts? “Bad behaviour” when it comes to ADHD is usually assumed to mean hyper, bouncing off the walls, aggressive, random but it’s much more nuanced than that; she could have hyperactivity but she could be very much more in the Inattentive or Impulsive category (as girls often are). Therefore her “bad behaviour” could be (and these are just random examples) a messy bedroom or inability to focus or follow sequenced instructions, or overeating and may other possibilities that have no implications for your wedding.

I have inattentive ADHD (formally known as ADD) and I was never a naughty/destructive child and am able at 54 to conduct myself pretty well (I think). My DD also has ADHD and it’s been a struggle for her but it’s been a largely internal struggle and she would not have behaved any worse than any child might do.

It's your wedding and you can decide. Personally I feel the cousin is using this as an opportunity for a holiday with bf and DD rather than to celebrate your wedding. I'd say no.

It's the OP's wedding ultimately, but if it's going to be a very child friendly wedding and everyone else with kids is bringing them it will come across quite badly to exclude this one.

One kid you don't know being there is not going to make any odds on the day.

Your mistake was mentioning ADHD and that it’s a child-friendly wedding otherwise

The OP mentioned the things that were important to her. Numbers for example were not a concern, she didn't say "this puts us over the limit on catering" or "if we say yes to them, will all the world and their dog decide to come along?"

it's a cousin who she barely sees

But she knows a lot about the little girl so I'm guessing the family are close and do talk. I can't think how else I'd know that a cousin's new partner's little girl had ADHD or behaviour problems, it sounds as if the little girl has already met other family members and has been invited to family get-togethers? So maybe DP and DD are already more part of the family than OP realised and treating them as just "a plus one and extra uninvited guest" might not go down well with the rest of the family. Well, that's the OP's call to make, I don't know.

I’d probably end up letting her come for the sake of family harmony.

Yes, this.

Why do so many people hate attending weddings on mumsnet?

I can't speak for Mumsnet. But for me, because they are usually identikit, extremely boring, and have an unfortunate tendency to cause more trouble than they're worth.

On topic, if there is pretty much an open-door policy on including attendees' children then leaving just one out for whatever reason does seem pretty pointed. Then again, I wouldn't see the point of inviting a cousin whom I barely knew.

In OP's shoes I'd invite her along if separate provision for children's entertainment is laid on.

These threads make me glad we eloped!

At my PIL big wedding anniversary there were several people there that many of us hadn't met. New fiancé's, new partners, kids of the new partner, etc. It really didn't matter. They are all family in some way. I think it's a shame you feel the way you do.

@SmileyClare

I don't think it's cheeky to ask.

Oh look Dave, I'm invited to my cousin's wedding. It says bring a plus one and children are welcome; they've got a children's play area and an entertainer. Perhaps we could take little Sarah as we have her at the weekends?
Let's ask if it's ok.

I can't see why they're being "cheeky fuckers".

But it doesn't make OP unreasonable for saying sorry, the invite is for plus 1 only due to numbers either. You don't have to agree to everyone who wants to bring an additional person to your wedding. There's a limit somewhere.

@CounsellorTroi

I’m sure that if the OP was bringing a female friend as a plus one and that plus one wanted to bring her daughter, people would think the p,us one was being a CF.

Yes but apparently the mere fact it's her distant cousins new boyfriends child means that they are now ops family don't you know... Eye roll. Maybe if they'd been married years and you knew the kid but a new boyfriend who just happens to have a child? Yeah, I would absolutely not class them as my family, at all.

@SunshineCake

At my PIL big wedding anniversary there were several people there that many of us hadn't met. New fiancé's, new partners, kids of the new partner, etc. It really didn't matter. They are all family in some way. I think it's a shame you feel the way you do.

How lovely and idealistic. But a wedding is an all day event and the cost implications are totally different to a party. And the cousin might be family but the cousin's new boyfriend and his daughter are really not family in ANY way. I think it perfectly sensible to feel the way she does and the cousin is a CF for even putting her in this position.

holiday around your wedding, timed their holiday plans and location to fit your dates. That seems fairly serious between them and quite an effort from them

I don't get this though. OP has literally just invited them to a wedding. They don't have to attend, they are not required to do so if it's too much effort. OP isn't responsible for now making sure their holiday plans aren't slightly impacted because they have decided to build it around OPs wedding. And it's not the only option either, the boyfriend could go somewhere else for the day with his kid and still have the rest of the time for their holiday. Hardly a big deal.

You say you haven’t met her partner yet still extended the invite to him. Not having met the child therefore feels largely irrelevant

She hasn't extended the invite to him. She told her cousin she could have a plus one. The cousin could have decided to bring a friend as that plus one, OP didn't specifically invite her boyfriend, OPs cousin has decided that her boyfriend will be her plus one. It didn't say plus two. Imagine if everyone who received a plus one started saying 'oh but can X and Y come as well because of some reason'.

@HugeBigButt

You say you haven’t met her partner yet still extended the invite to him. Not having met the child therefore feels largely irrelevant

She hasn't extended the invite to him. She told her cousin she could have a plus one. The cousin could have decided to bring a friend as that plus one, OP didn't specifically invite her boyfriend, OPs cousin has decided that her boyfriend will be her plus one. It didn't say plus two. Imagine if everyone who received a plus one started saying 'oh but can X and Y come as well because of some reason'.

Even if she had invited bf by name, despite not having met him yet, surely it's a completely different scenario anyway?

Many people would invite someone along with their partner despite not meeting them beforehand, but not many would also invite the new partner's child unless they knew that the three were now living together FT.

I have a couple of friends with step-children of much longer standing than a few months and it wouldn't even cross my mind to invite the children to my wedding? I don't know them, I only know my friend's boyfriend in passing, and his kids don't live full-time with them. I feel like it genuinely wouldn't cross anyone's mind to ask if they could come unless there was an actual need, like no one else being able to have them.

If the cousin has booked and told just plus 1, she may bring the child and let boyfriend stay in the holiday cottage and still does not solve the OP not wanting the child there.

@SunshineCake

At my PIL big wedding anniversary there were several people there that many of us hadn't met. New fiancé's, new partners, kids of the new partner, etc. It really didn't matter. They are all family in some way. I think it's a shame you feel the way you do.

A bit different when you have to pay for everyone.

@SunshineCake

At my PIL big wedding anniversary there were several people there that many of us hadn't met. New fiancé's, new partners, kids of the new partner, etc. It really didn't matter. They are all family in some way. I think it's a shame you feel the way you do.

Good for you but why is this relevant to the OP?