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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect an invite for my baby to a wedding that's abroad?

136 replies

Somesome · 31/08/2021 03:51

We have been invited to five different weddings in the next 12 months and our baby daughter hasn't been invited to three of these.

Two of the three weddings that she's not invited to are abroad.

Is it unreasonable to expect her to be invited to a wedding that's abroad? She'll be less than 18 months old and I'm a bridesmaid at one of the weddings.

The other wedding that she's not invited to is in the UK when she's 8 months old and is five hours away from where we live. I've explained that we won't be able to attend.

OP posts:

WimpoleHat · 31/08/2021 03:57

You’re unreasonable to expect an invitation, yes - but you’re absolutely not unreasonable to decline yours on those grounds. (Even if you’re a bridesmaid!)

WTF475878237NC · 31/08/2021 03:59

You’re unreasonable to expect an invitation, yes - but you’re absolutely not unreasonable to decline yours on those grounds. (Even if you’re a bridesmaid!)

^ this

Fubitch · 31/08/2021 04:01

Sounds like they don't really want you to go, even if you are a bridesmaid! I did leave baby dc home at this age for 3 nights, but wouldn't be separated from them now due to covid. You could end up having to quarantine etc.

For the wedding in this country, it does depend on what childcare you've got. It's really nice to get away sometimes, but 5 hours is a long way for just a day or two.

LimeRedBanana · 31/08/2021 04:01

We were invited to a wedding 5 hours away, when EBF DD was 5 months old.

I called the groom (our friend) to regretfully decline. An invitation was extended to DD.

That was not my expectation at all - if they didn’t want kids there, they didn’t want them there - their choice. But I wouldn’t have been able to go.

SpiceWeaselBAM · 31/08/2021 04:09

We had a child-free wedding, but my DH's cousin called and asked if she could bring her breastfed baby. We said yes, of course!

I was young and babies/childcare just weren't on my radar at all. Once we realised the baby needed to be with her, it was a no-brainer to extend the invitation.

Depends on the people and your relationship as to whether it feels polite to ask.

Original poster

Somesome · 31/08/2021 04:11

@Fubitch

For the wedding in this country, it does depend on what childcare you've got. It's really nice to get away sometimes, but 5 hours is a long way for just a day or two.

Yeah there's not a chance I'd leave her behind in a different country in a post covid world for the reasons you've said. I do actually think they want us to come. They (the people having abroad weddings - different friendship groups) just genuinely expect us to fly childcare out with us so that we can attend, as both couples have said that our daughter can attend the events before and after the wedding.

I probably should have phrased the subject as "AIBU not to attend a wedding abroad if my daughter isn't invited" as that's really what I'm asking.

OP posts:

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 31/08/2021 04:13

@WimpoleHat

You’re unreasonable to expect an invitation, yes - but you’re absolutely not unreasonable to decline yours on those grounds. (Even if you’re a bridesmaid!)

This.

Original poster

Somesome · 31/08/2021 04:15

@WimpoleHat

You’re unreasonable to expect an invitation, yes - but you’re absolutely not unreasonable to decline yours on those grounds. (Even if you’re a bridesmaid!)

Thanks. This is the real question I'm wondering and you're all confirming that it's not unreasonable for me to decline, which is a relief.

OP posts:

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 31/08/2021 04:17

Not unreasonable at all to say you can't come. Is your partner traveling with you? If so could you attend the wedding and partner and DD come to the other events only?

stripedbananas · 31/08/2021 04:23

Well why doesn't just one of you go to each of these weddings and at least you get a bit of a break

Fubitch · 31/08/2021 04:23

That's really cheeky of them!

stripedbananas · 31/08/2021 04:24

It's just a situation you need to work out yourselves how to navigate.

Go alone, leave DC behind, don't go at all.

Easy really just make a decision

Original poster

Somesome · 31/08/2021 04:27

@stripedbananas

It's just a situation you need to work out yourselves how to navigate.

Go alone, leave DC behind, don't go at all.

Easy really just make a decision

Lol

OP posts:

StrongCoffeAvalanche · 31/08/2021 04:28

@WimpoleHat

You’re unreasonable to expect an invitation, yes - but you’re absolutely not unreasonable to decline yours on those grounds. (Even if you’re a bridesmaid!)

Agree with this. I personally would just decline the invite. If they don't understand then that's just tough, they will one day later on when they have kids.

StrongCoffeAvalanche · 31/08/2021 04:33

They (the people having abroad weddings - different friendship groups) just genuinely expect us to fly childcare out with us so that we can attend, as both couples have said that our daughter can attend the events before and after the wedding.

Hmmm that'd be too expensive for us, especially when it's not something I'd be at all arsed about doing.

Could you go to the events before and after, ie the bits your daughter is invited to? Or could DH have the baby outside the ceremony room - far enough out of earshot if baby cries but close enough you could feed again straight after? It's a big faff though, not sure I could be arsed!

MintMatchmaker · 31/08/2021 04:37

We had a wedding abroad when my first was 6 months. My husband went, I stayed at home.

We have zero childcare options so between us we have also been to several child free weddings alone since.

timeisnotaline · 31/08/2021 04:50

We are comfortably off, but there is no situation in which I would fly childcare out to an overseas wedding with us and pay literally 1000s just to have my child minded for a few hours. Flights, accom, food. I would decline on the basis of I can’t leave dd at home given COVID, and see if they are cheeky enough to suggest I put another several thousand pounds towards attending their wedding. Then blink and say no I can’t pay for that.

If you have an overseas wedding and genuinely want friends with young children to come you invite the dc. If that seems impossible to accept, you could research, vet and book qualified on site childcare for any families that might need it. If not you graciously accept their declines and understand completely.

NumberTheory · 31/08/2021 05:04

To me, an invite to a wedding abroad without including children sounds more like "Give us a present" than "Please help celebrate our marriage".

DifficultBloodyWoman · 31/08/2021 05:11

YABU.

For weddings at home, yes, you are clearly being unreasonable. People can invite whomever they do and don’t want and are absolutely justified in discriminating by age if they want to.

For overseas, yes, you are still unreasonable. However, I would seek clarification from the bride and groom. They could clarify their expectations. Do they assume that you are bringing the baby along, possibly with a travel companion from home to baby sit or organising a babysitter at your hotel? You attend on that basis or choose not to attend. Your choice!

Wiredforsound · 31/08/2021 05:25

I would just decline. It’s an awful lot of fuss and bother to do something you’re not that keen on doing without your DC. People who get married abroad know that they’re reducing the number of people who can reasonably attend and won’t mind.

PluggingAway · 31/08/2021 05:34

Sounds like they don't really want you there. Or maybe they just haven't thought about it properly.

I would decline.

IWasBornInAThunderstorm · 31/08/2021 06:00

@WimpoleHat

You’re unreasonable to expect an invitation, yes - but you’re absolutely not unreasonable to decline yours on those grounds. (Even if you’re a bridesmaid!)

Sums it up really

Jigsawtrain · 31/08/2021 06:07

The first reply sums it up really.

We declined an invitation and really upset the bride but the wedding was 6 hours away and our nearest baby sitters for the child free wedding we’re 3 hours in the opposite direction. Apparently they never thought it would be a problem for us to go to a mainly child free wedding.

PrincessNutella · 31/08/2021 06:27

They know you have a baby, and they are having a childfree wedding. I would respectfully decline. In the case of the bridesmaid invitation, I woud clarify. No way would I go abroad without my baby.

Shirleyphallus · 31/08/2021 06:30

@Fubitch

That's really cheeky of them!

If isn’t cheeky at all, it’s their wedding, their wishes. The OP doesn’t have to go.

@Somesome other option is to take her and find a local nanny to look after her for the day

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