AIBU to expect an invite for my baby to a wedding that's abroad?

[Somesome]

We have been invited to five different weddings in the next 12 months and our baby daughter hasn't been invited to three of these.

Two of the three weddings that she's not invited to are abroad.

Is it unreasonable to expect her to be invited to a wedding that's abroad? She'll be less than 18 months old and I'm a bridesmaid at one of the weddings.

The other wedding that she's not invited to is in the UK when she's 8 months old and is five hours away from where we live. I've explained that we won't be able to attend.

You can definitely reach a point in friendships where those who don't have kids now (but might do one day) don't even stop to think about how your life is different.

I remember going to one child-free wedding to find lots of kids there. It turned out they were mostly relatives' kids so fair enough but when I gently asked about it, it turned out they'd invited us child-free 'so you can have fun for once'. But their version of fun meant getting a young baby to settle with GPs (who lived a long way off) for the first time, me having to pump milk in the bathroom etc). Sigh.

I'd just say no.

Your not unreasonable at all. I would be declining and explaining it's simply not possible to go abroad without your daughter and you can't afford to pay for someone to come to care for her. I genuinely am astounded people except someone with a baby to go abroad for a wedding there baby can't come too.

If my DC wasn't invited, especially one that age, I'd just decline. 5 weddings in 18 months sounds a lot, not to mention expensive!

YABU to expect an invite. Very few people want babies at their weddings.

YANBU to decline on that basis though.

@Squirrelblanket

Do you really think that it might be unreasonable to decline an invitation? Of course it isn't.

These threads always read more like 'tell me what a meany you think my friend is'.

They absolutely do.

Not mean friend, but perhaps very inconsiderate.

If you plan a wedding abroad, you have to expect for a multitude of reasons that many of people will decline for all sorts of reasons, and if you are inviting friends with small children doubly so. Now factor in a pandemic and it is beyond ridiculous.

Just go to the local weddings that welcome children, and decline the rest op. Your friend can find another bridesmaid, she should have discussed this with you first.

@NumberTheory

To me, an invite to a wedding abroad without including children sounds more like "Give us a present" than "Please help celebrate our marriage".

Eh?

@peppapigfangirl

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect an invitation to an abroad wedding. I actually think it's really odd when people have overseas weddings and don't invite kids. It feels like they either don't care that a lot of people will struggle with childcare and either can't go or don't want to go or are just really clueless about what the reality of having kids is. To me if you have an abroad wedding you have to accept kids will need to be invited even if that's not your ideal situation

I had a wedding abroad with no kids and yes you're correct I didn't care about people's child arrangements.

A bride and groom are entitled to have the type of wedding that they want and are paying for. If people can't attend because of children then no harm done.

Most weddings abroad aren't child-friendly and ours certainly wasn't. Late evening wedding with a late, long sit-down adult meal. I don't believe weddings are suitable for children, neither are funerals. Children's places were ridiculously expensive for our wedding and would have taken the place of an adult when we already had reduced numbers because of costs. I've been to weddings before where babies have cried all throughout the ceremony. Our wedding was only two hours flight away so would have required one weekend's babysitting.

If you're paying a lot of money for an event then yes you get decide who is invited. And if you're an invited guest you get to decide whether you want to pay the travel costs and find a babysitter.

A lot of people I know actually have weddings abroad to cut the fat down for this reason.

Similar situation here, OP. Attending a wedding next year which they've chosen to be child free, except their own (school age) child and their immediate families children. I'm totally fine with it being child free, what is pissing me off is that its mid week in term time which makes our child care a pain, but also that it's in a place in the UK that's a) an absolute ballache to get to from where we all live, and b) a great family holiday destination. It's just annoying. We have decided to go, but it was touch and go. Would I be getting on a plane without my kids? Absolutely not.

I think it's fair enough to be honest - it's their wedding, and if they don't want kids there that's up to them. I totally understand you not wanting to leave her though and it's 100% fine for you to decline on those grounds.

If it were me however, I would go and then book local childcare for the day/evening. If she's EBF then you can express and the babysitter can give a bottle. We did this in a similar situation and it worked really well.

Or if you absolutely don't want to give her a bottle just book childcare for when she has gone to sleep - you miss the day part, and then go when she's in bed and you can let your hair down in the evening. You'd be there for more of the wedding than if you didn't go at all, and you can make a holiday out of it.

Expecting you to fly childcare out, and presumably pay all the costs in addition to your own, does make me wonder what (financial) planet these people are on.

Personally I wouldn’t hesitate a moment before saying, Thank you, I hope you have a lovely time, but I’m afraid we won’t be able to come.

I would be very reluctant to attend a wedding abroad unless we could turn it into a family holiday due to the expense of flights etc, especially if it was a beach type place! I'd want to have the option of bringing my children and to be able to make the choice that worked for our family when it involves spending far more money than usual on celebrating a wedding. We always decline weddings abroad unless the couple actually live there/are from there, when we have travelled or one of us has gone.

Op, you are not unreasonable to say that you are not able to go due to your child not being invited. It is not reasonable for the couple to expect you to spend even more money bringing someone with you to babysit or use an unknown babysitter for the day. It is also no reasonable for your DH to miss the wedding after forking out a list of cash to travel there.

I would decline the aboard weddings, the one where you are bridesmaid I would explain to the couple and see if your daughter can at least come to the reception, otherwise it's just not possible for you as a family to make it work.

I'd go to the one in the UK, as I have GP I can leave the children with, but it depends on how you are fixed for child care.

Good luck with it op, it's hard to have to have these conversations.

Sorry didn't see that she'd be 18 months old (so obviously not EBF!). I'd definitely go and just get local childcare while there!

Expecting people to fly out childcare is batshit crazy. It just is.

Three weddings abroad in one year would ruin my holiday allowance so much that I'd be making choices anyway. I would probably do the bridesmaid wedding on my own and just treat it as a little break, and I'd offer the same to DH with one of the other two. The other one I'd decline. And (and I love a wedding, I love to travel, and I love my friends) I'd do it with absolutely no regrets or fears because what they're asking you to do is really unreasonable in the first place. They aren't putting their guests first. So you don't need to put them first.

@NumberTheory

To me, an invite to a wedding abroad without including children sounds more like "Give us a present" than "Please help celebrate our marriage".

This.

When you say baby is not invited do you just mean not mentioned as most people would allow babies...

IME anyway

I'd be reluctant to commit to paying for any overseas trip in the next 12 months even without adding being separated from your baby into the mix.
Tests add extra cost and there's the possibility of being stuck abroad if positive, plus insurance generally now doesn't cover you if county doesn't let you in or UK turns it Red.
Foreign weddings that guests are expected to attend are pretty selfish at the best of times, never mind in current circumstances. Be glad you have a good excuse not to go OP.

Ahhh the pandemic has meant we haven’t done this one for a while.

I didn’t attend my cousin’s wedding because she wouldn’t allow my young children (including a breastfed under 1 year) to come because of ‘numbers’ and a ‘blanket ban on all children’. As it was a family wedding there was nobody to leave the kids with (and we don’t have family nearby anyway).

The adage is that it’s the bride and groom’s choice who is invited to their wedding but some people are really inflexible and lack understanding about what small children actually need. You would not be unreasonable to not attend.

A lot of people I know actually have weddings abroad to cut the fat down for this reason

Wow you describe your family and friends as 'fat' that needs trimming.

It is not hard to see why the bridezillas of this world would think the universe revolves around their special day, and could not give a damn about your baby/toddler, their safety and well being and your life in general as long as you pitch up and look pretty for their day.

Most parents are not comfortable leaving very young children all weekend with a stranger they have never met! I would never leave my children and fly overseas full stop, and I certainly wouldn't do it in a pandemic. What if one if you tests positive and you are stranded in quarantine hotel for weeks on end?

Idiotic posts on here suggesting hair brained ideas.

I would only bother figuring out the logistics for the one you’re a bridesmaid at, and that might just be as that DH doesn’t attend the wedding either.

I actually think you do have a right to expect your baby to be invited to the wedding where you are a bridesmaid - seems very mean and unkind - But same as the other invites politely decline.

My cousin didn't invite my children which was fine - my mum and dad were crosser than I was though as their whole family had been hosted at mine and my brothers weddings , but I was quite secretly pleased not to go. My cousin and aunt were pissed off I didn't go - they expected us to come and hire childcare at the venue or failing that I should just come and leave DH to look after the children ummm no thanks.

I hate this trend towards child free weddings - seems forced and unnatural and makes me think then couple are twats

You can’t be a bridesmaid if you can’t take the baby. How will she react to that?

@BunnytheFriendlyDragon

When you say baby is not invited do you just mean not mentioned as most people would allow babies...

Nope. I asked the bride for the UK one yesterday and she confirmed that only children of family members are invited. And that's for the one in December where she'll be 8 months old.

Slightly missing the point here, but who in their right minds would book a wedding abroad at this moment in time? I certainly wouldn’t be attending any wedding abroad until there is absolute certainty that nothing could go wrong with regards to travel bans etc.