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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect an invite for my baby to a wedding that's abroad?

136 replies

Somesome · 31/08/2021 03:51

We have been invited to five different weddings in the next 12 months and our baby daughter hasn't been invited to three of these.

Two of the three weddings that she's not invited to are abroad.

Is it unreasonable to expect her to be invited to a wedding that's abroad? She'll be less than 18 months old and I'm a bridesmaid at one of the weddings.

The other wedding that she's not invited to is in the UK when she's 8 months old and is five hours away from where we live. I've explained that we won't be able to attend.

OP posts:

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 31/08/2021 09:23

In respect of the wedding to which you are a bridesmaid, when did you realise that your DD was not invited to the ceremony?

I can see why it is not feasible to fly out child care. I don’t really see why you can’t go with your DH and your DD, enjoy the pre and post wedding events all 3 of you and you attend the wedding as bridesmaid whilst your DH looks after DD. So I do think you are a bit unreasonable not to go in these circumstances. Presumably you have budgeted for it all.

The one 5 hours away; I’d probably just decline.

OwlinaTree · 31/08/2021 09:24

I wouldn't have left my 8 month old op, they were both still breastfeeding then!

Equalpayquery · 31/08/2021 09:24

@stepupandbecounted I actually agree - especially family children. At a wedding a new member is joining the family, seems perfectly odd that relatives of the new member would be excluded.

Equalpayquery · 31/08/2021 09:25

And actually I haven’t really spoken to my cousin since. Not because I’m not talking to her, but just because I really can’t be bothered to make the effort now.

SunshineCake · 31/08/2021 09:25

@peppapigfangirl

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect an invitation to an abroad wedding. I actually think it's really odd when people have overseas weddings and don't invite kids. It feels like they either don't care that a lot of people will struggle with childcare and either can't go or don't want to go or are just really clueless about what the reality of having kids is. To me if you have an abroad wedding you have to accept kids will need to be invited even if that's not your ideal situation

Or maybe they know the parents won't go but will feel obliged to send a gift anyway.

CountryCob · 31/08/2021 09:26

I said I could not be a bridesmaid once as my daughter was so young, did it early on before dresses etc and told bride I didn’t think I would be able to give her enough attention. I was still bf and baby a few weeks old, I had said a few times this would be hard but I don’t think the bridal party took it in, which is understandable, as no concessions were planned/ I was not going to be able to make it there in morning etc or through the day. Your baby is older but still young. Do what you think is best, if they don’t want to invite baby then that is likely to make it hard. Far to many trips anyway it would be weddings constantly but maybe I am being a bit miserable, I do like a good wedding but not all those trips if they stop you being able to do other things

AlrightThereSkippy · 31/08/2021 09:26

I wouldn't go. YANBU not to attend. YABU to expect an invitation, but you already said that yourself, so YANBU.

I went to a wedding abroad with an 18mo once and it was hell. I wouldn't bother again, unless it was immediate family.

IHateCoronavirus · 31/08/2021 09:33

I think you are perfectly within the realms of reasonable behaviour to wish them well and not go. Expecting anyone, other then immediate family or childless friends to travel overseas, at great cost (tine and money) is selfish anyway.

stepupandbecounted · 31/08/2021 09:34

I would assume the wedding for December were just inviting you out of duty, and have no real expectation of you being there. An eight month old baby is very young to leave.

I would decline and wish them well. If it is very local I might go for an hour to the ceremony or a drink at the reception (not both)

Notaroadrunner · 31/08/2021 09:35

@NumberTheory

To me, an invite to a wedding abroad without including children sounds more like "Give us a present" than "Please help celebrate our marriage".

They'd be a long time waiting for me to give a gift

I've never given a present if I don't attend a wedding. At most I'd send a card.

@Somesome just decline. Don't overthink it

stepupandbecounted · 31/08/2021 09:35

It is quite insulting that they allowing family children, but are happy to make a point about not inviting your 8 month old baby. They don't sound like friends to me, certainly not ones I would care about.

EL8888 · 31/08/2021 09:44

@Namechanger0800 it’s not really a trend as such, l went to a wedding 16 years ago with no children. It’s up to the bride and groom. The last wedding l went to pre-pandemic had the vows obscured by a child squawking. When l get married it’s safe to say it will be child free, the venue we want has limited numbers and we don’t want the additional costs / noise / disruption of children

AlrightThereSkippy · 31/08/2021 09:46

Not a trend, but it's definitely become more common in the past 15 years or so. The first wedding I went to where children weren't invited, I remember being a bit surprised as I thought it was quite uncommon to do that. That was about 12 years ago. That said, if we all get invited to a wedding, I don't bring kids as I'd rather not.

Blossomtoes · 31/08/2021 09:55

@LunaAndHerMoonDragons

Not unreasonable at all to say you can't come. Is your partner traveling with you? If so could you attend the wedding and partner and DD come to the other events only?

My thought. Surely your partner would be happy with this and would prefer it to you missing out?

GintyMcGinty · 31/08/2021 10:10

We immediately suggested we wouldn't be able to attend originally and they extended the invite to the rest of the week but not the actual wedding day.

Delusional bliss of the child-free. That's crazy. 😂

Like most others - I say decline if you don't want to go. It's an invitation not a summons.

RoundRainbow · 31/08/2021 10:11

I don’t understand why your dh doesn’t just have baby during the ceremony & the bits that are child free. As you’re the bridesmaid I assume your the original friend, likely they won’t really care if your dh is there or not.

QueenHofScotland · 31/08/2021 10:12

On mumsnet people will tell you YABU to expect an invite as it’s up to other people to decide who they want at their wedding.

However, as a mum and with the benefit of hindsight…I think anyone inviting parents to a wedding when they have a small baby are unreasonable not to include the baby. Especially if they really want the couple to be there.

I didn’t have children at my wedding other than those in the wedding party - one friend had an 8 week old. What the hell was I thinking!!

GintyMcGinty · 31/08/2021 10:12

The UK one at 8 months I would go to.

TheWeatherWitch · 31/08/2021 10:16

Just rsvp saying “thanks but no thanks”
If you have only been invited as a couple and not a family, it’s because the bride and groom are hoping you’ll decline anyway. So don’t feel bad.

Cuddlyrottweiler · 31/08/2021 10:18

If they want you to go then yes. I wouldn't be paying for a holiday for my parents or in laws so they can look after baby during the actual wedding. That's a ridiculous expense to expect your guests to go to to attend your wedding.

Shirleyphallus · 31/08/2021 10:31

It’s only on MN that I see such frothing and hand wringing about declining an invitation. The event as it stands is exactly what you’ve been invited to, if it doesn’t work for you then just decline and move on.

Most B&Gs will look at the decline list and think “oh what a shame they can’t make it” and move on. They certainly won’t be thinking oh goody an extra present / what selfish pricks not to attend our wedding etc etc etc

surreygirl1987 · 31/08/2021 10:46

They are perfectly reasonable not to invite your baby to either wedding. But it's perfectly reasonable for you to decline if you want to / feel you need to. I wouldn't make a big deal about it though.

phoenixrosehere · 31/08/2021 10:47

I would only bother figuring out the logistics for the one you’re a bridesmaid at, and that might just be as that DH doesn’t attend the wedding either.

Agree. I’ve been MOH at a wedding and the bridesmaids and I were usually busy. I couldn’t imagine having a baby or small child in the mix alongside.

I had a child-free wedding not by choice, it was in the midway between my country and my husband’s. We had it outside in a public park so no big deal if children were involved.

Having children now, I would jump on a child-free wedding in a heartbeat or leave them at home. Mine are 6 and almost 4 with the oldest being autistic. I’ve been to different family events and it is not worth the stress and hassle trying to keep them entertained, worried about how noisy it may be, if I have everything for them, chasing after my youngest who likes to run off, making sure we have an exit plan, etc.. It is not worth the stress especially considering the money involved. Not wasting money on an event I won’t be able to enjoy.

Wexone · 31/08/2021 10:49

I think the 1st response hits the nail on the head . I must be in the minority now but have been to a good few weddings in the past few years , one year i had 8. I can count on one hand how many weddings had children at them, and they were the flower girl and boys. Its very rare and that's here in Ireland where weddings can by 300 to 400 people. Growing up we weren't brought to weddings either. Both my brothers and sister weddings had no children. I personally feel that its not the place for them nor do the parents actually enjoy the day, but that is my feeling. I agree with people the one that you are bridesmaid you are not really going to see your child that day but think you should talk to them about bringing her for your husband to mind, if not decline. The rest decline if you don't want to leave you child in childcare. I think after Covid weddings are going to be a lot smaller etc so no children will even become more common

Zezet · 31/08/2021 11:15

Maybe I've missed something here but why can't you travel there and get a local babysitter for the night? Hotels will almost always work with you to find a reliable person (often a staff member of duty happy to make some extra money) - I've done this everywhere from Europe to Asia to Africa (mostly for work, occasionally for private). I even used to go back to the hotels for feeds in between if necessary.

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