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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect an invite for my baby to a wedding that's abroad?

136 replies

Somesome · 31/08/2021 03:51

We have been invited to five different weddings in the next 12 months and our baby daughter hasn't been invited to three of these.

Two of the three weddings that she's not invited to are abroad.

Is it unreasonable to expect her to be invited to a wedding that's abroad? She'll be less than 18 months old and I'm a bridesmaid at one of the weddings.

The other wedding that she's not invited to is in the UK when she's 8 months old and is five hours away from where we live. I've explained that we won't be able to attend.

OP posts:
drpet49 · 31/08/2021 06:54

Some people are so full of themselves. They don’t really want you to attend.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 31/08/2021 06:56

I had a no-children wedding, but of course allowed my friends with very young babies to bring theirs along.
There is a huge difference to having babies there, who need to be with their mums (breastfed in all cases) and having older children who run about etc.
I didn't have the space to accommodate older children and knew a few of them were highly disruptive, so didn't want older children - but the babies were fine.

I think it's fine to decline on the grounds that you can't leave the baby.

SoundBar · 31/08/2021 06:57

Just decline and say why if you can be bothered with the possible drama. They will realise their batshittery if they ever have DC!

onelittlefrog · 31/08/2021 06:57

Not unreasonable to not attend. Obviously your daughter comes first. But it's unreasonable to expect the couple to change their guest list for you.

peppapigfangirl · 31/08/2021 06:59

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect an invitation to an abroad wedding. I actually think it's really odd when people have overseas weddings and don't invite kids. It feels like they either don't care that a lot of people will struggle with childcare and either can't go or don't want to go or are just really clueless about what the reality of having kids is. To me if you have an abroad wedding you have to accept kids will need to be invited even if that's not your ideal situation

KihoBebiluPute · 31/08/2021 07:07

I probably should have phrased the subject as "AIBU not to attend a wedding abroad if my daughter isn't invited" as that's really what I'm asking

Well the answer to that is definitely YANBU. Couples getting married can certainly invite whoever they choose, and no one can expect them to invite anyone they don't choose to (including children) - but no one has any obligation to accept any invitation. Having a wedding abroard is an instant "it's going to cost you £££ to come" - so obviously it is fine for anyone without vast wheelbarrows of spare money to burn to decline on those grounds alone. Wedding abroad plus kids not invited sends a very clear signal that the couple are not putting any priority at all on thinking how to make it easy for guests to attend. Absolutely their right to do so but they cannot be remotely suprised or aggrieved when you (and a lot of others) politely decline their kind invitation to spend vaat amounts of money to do something you really don't want to.

lannistunut · 31/08/2021 07:12

I find childfree weddings odd personally, but it's their decision. You are absolutely fine to decline, and shouldn't feel guilty or uncomfortable doing so. I always declined childfree weddings, as I had very limited childcare options, couldn't be bothered to faff about trying to sort something out.

Pissinthepottyplease · 31/08/2021 07:13

@WimpoleHat

You’re unreasonable to expect an invitation, yes - but you’re absolutely not unreasonable to decline yours on those grounds. (Even if you’re a bridesmaid!)
Agree
stepupandbecounted · 31/08/2021 07:14

I would decline.

The wedding that you have been invited to be a bridesmaid is especially you would have thought she would have discussed it with you first!

My children come before other people's weddings, and yours should too.

Original poster
Somesome · 31/08/2021 07:34

@peppapigfangirl

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect an invitation to an abroad wedding. I actually think it's really odd when people have overseas weddings and don't invite kids. It feels like they either don't care that a lot of people will struggle with childcare and either can't go or don't want to go or are just really clueless about what the reality of having kids is. To me if you have an abroad wedding you have to accept kids will need to be invited even if that's not your ideal situation
Honestly they're clueless. We're one of the first in our friendship group to have kids and some people have more money than sense. For one of the abroad weddings, my husband reached out to an acquaintance who has a slightly older baby to find out what they were doing (/see if we were being unreasonable by declining) and they are flying out their in laws to babysit for the week. They seemed surprised that I couldn't do this for at least part of the week given the baby is invited to the rest of the events (which comes back to my point that both the couples seem to think they're being reasonable by allowing the baby to part of the week). I also think it comes down to different comfort levels around leaving your child. Someone earlier suggested finding a local nanny whilst I'm abroad but there's not a chance I'd leave my less than 18 month old in a foreign country with unfamiliar childcare. I'm also not comfortable hanging out in a hotel alone (with the baby) miles away from my husband.
OP posts:
alrightfella · 31/08/2021 07:41

We never had any childcare so we either declined child free weddings or more frequently one of us went alone.

PopcornMuncher · 31/08/2021 07:42

They (the people having abroad weddings - different friendship groups) just genuinely expect us to fly childcare out with us so that we can attend

Shock who can afford to pay for an extra person's flight and accommodation? Assuming said childcare is happy to fly abroad (and take quarantine risks) jut to do childcare?

I mean obviously some people are in a position to do this but surely it's not expected? i can't imagine having the money to throw around like that

Apeirogon · 31/08/2021 07:44

I think child free weddings are going to become more common. The trend (partly due to covid) seems to be towards smaller more intimate weddings, and the easiest way to achieve that is to leave out the children.

Anyway - YANBU not to go for this reason.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 31/08/2021 07:45

We don’t bother with weddings abroad so would decline anyway as feel they put a lot of costs onto guests. Even more so with covid and if child free,
Just rsvp and say yes/no. It’s only an invite not a summons.

MrsMaizel · 31/08/2021 07:52

You have made a life change by having children so you have to act accordingly .

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 31/08/2021 07:52

Just say yes or no depending on if you feel you can go based on the parameters.

For the abroad Bridesmaid one, when dd will be 18mo, cant you just fly out there yourself for 2/3 days and leave dd and dh at home?

Standrewsschool · 31/08/2021 07:52

I do find it odd that people invite friends with babies/children to weddings, and then are surprised when the invite is declined.

MrsMaizel · 31/08/2021 07:53

I'm also not comfortable hanging out in a hotel alone (with the baby) miles away from my husband

Is it a dangerous country ?

SamiReed1 · 31/08/2021 07:54

If the wedding is abroad, how can you be a bridesmaid if you and the bride live in different countries? If the bride lives in the UK and is deliberately getting married abroad, that is selfish and inconsiderate of her UK family/guests and I would refuse to even go - let alone be a bridesmaid. I reject all invitations to weddings abroad on principle. I would only go if the person actually lives abroad hence having the wedding abroad. To be honest, I wouldn't even go, let alone go and be a bridesmaid. Not many people have the luxury of money and time for that. It's a waste of money, and is unbelievably inconsiderate and rude. Decline the invite and step down as bridesmaid.

AlpineSue · 31/08/2021 07:58

The suggestion that you fly out childcare (WTAF?) or use a random stranger as a babysitter is just bonkers. Decline. Save the money. Use it for a nice family break somewhere you will all enjoy. No-brainer for me.

caughtinanet · 31/08/2021 08:00

Is this a sign that covid is on the wane and now there's room to have this weekly thread back again?

This is nothing new to say on any wedding invite thread, the B and G decide how theywant their wedding, the guests decide whether they want to attend

That's all there is to it, no one is unreasonable make their own choices

ttcissoboring · 31/08/2021 08:02

OP as other posters suggested why can't one of you go and take it in turns? DH goes to the first wedding and you to the second?

If not the above YANBU to just decline. Also as other posters mention when people get married abroad the truth is they're not that bothered who goes or else they wouldn't have got married abroad!!

Ragwort · 31/08/2021 08:02

Why do people get so het up about weddings? I'd you want to go, go, if you don't (or it's not practical) just don't go.

Fortunately we've only ever been invited to one overseas wedding, we already had a prior invitation so politely declined.

Do hosts really get that upset if people decline their invitation? Hmm

Whenever I've hosted something I fully understand that the date/venue/occasion just won't be convenient for every single person I invite. Most hosts factor in a number of 'declines' when planning an event. Although that didn't work for a big birthday party I had when everyone accepted.

Winemewhynot · 31/08/2021 08:03

Sounds like their not being really considerate to your needs as new parents but that’s their preorgative as the bride and groom! Strange to have a wedding abroad and pre wedding events that include children but a wedding that doesn’t.

If I was you I would have to decline, I wouldn’t be happy to find foreign child care or fly out my mum to babysit. I’d tell the bride the reasons and then if she really wants you there she’ll extend the invite to the baby.

Helspopje · 31/08/2021 08:04

Covid isn’t on the wane
Destination weddings in the current climate are bonkers imho
Decline

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