Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset Mum friends from school have done this?

461 replies

Yup83 · 30/08/2021 14:49

There is a group of four of us that often go for coffee after school drop off. Last term one of them suggested we all go camping sometime, which I thought was a really nice idea.

Whilst talking with one of them the other day I found out that the three of them and their families are all going camping, but I wasn't invited.

I feel pretty hurt as I thought we were all good friends, and also especially as I was originally invited when it was first mentioned.

I'm not really sure what to do about it, with school starting back I'm bound to see them all again and it's been playing on my mind. I don't really know if I should say something, sack them off and put my energy towards other friends who don't exclude me or try to make more effort with them.

I also feel pretty stupid that at the ripe old age of 38 I'm being "left out", feels pretty childish.

OP posts:
EspressoDoubleShot · 30/08/2021 21:10

Many of these schoolgate women have nothing other than their children
They Don’t work
Their Partner at work
School becomes their locus and they become insular and myopic. Other mums and loose school association take on a huge significance and scale.

Grimacingfrog · 30/08/2021 21:19

If your kids are the only reason you have friends I think that's pretty sad. And that's not aimed at OP, that's for you.

What a nasty comment @Teamfemale. Just because you have an online difference of views, there's no need to be so personal.

Niffler92 · 30/08/2021 21:21

Are you the only single parent I used to find I got left out of things because I didn't have a husband for their husbands to 'play with'!

XingMing · 30/08/2021 21:22

To a degree, I agree, but when it comes to the ultra-desirable campsites that are so sought after, a newbie does need coaching. The one I was thinking of sells out in about 20 minutes from opening for the whole summer holiday. Families go there every single year and book religiously for the next year in November. There is no/zero chance of a slot if you discover it in February.

newshark · 30/08/2021 21:25

It is slightly surreal reading this as the penny has finally dropped with me. I live abroad, in a small town, and we have been the only English people at our local school for years, until last year. It was great up to that point, no cliques, most people get on, everyone makes an effort to get on, a bit of bitching between local families sometimes, but nothing huge and usually humourous,. normal things. Last year when a couple of English families moved their dc to our school - they are already part of an expat clique in a different town, and since then it has been one upmanship, ignoring, making a point of excluding, accusations of excluding, making a point of proving how popular they are, comparing of academic ability, comparing children's popularity, comparing children's "suitability" to be in their gang, just a complete annoying nightmare. I wasn't sure what was going on, and reading this it seems they have brought the English way with them. We have had a lovely long summer holiday and my dc are now dreading going back to school for the first time because of the constant rude comments and awkward ignoring from the English. I am so f-ed off about it! One of the English mothers made a comment about me getting extra tutoring because I want my dc to be academic - no! I have not ever given thought to how academic they are, and they have never had any tutoring!! No, I do not care if I am not invited to the most special queen bee's parties! No, I do not care whether or not my car is bigger or smaller than theirs! Or who wins the popularity test, as long as my dc are happy. The mothers are so competitive and i just do not care about the things they care about
Sorry, rant over
OP I am sorry this has happened, you have my sympathy.

Maddison12 · 30/08/2021 21:31

@Yup83

When my 'friend' mentioned she was going camping with the other three she did seem kind of sheepish/guilty.

I was too shocked/upset to really know what to say so I was like oh that will be fun and then just went kinda quiet.

Yeah, this would have been the time to say "oh, thought we were all going?" Now that that time's passed I don't see any way for you to mention it without it being awkward. Also mentioning it now would make you seem 'bothered'.

YANBU it's awful to feel left out whether you're 6 or 66.

LimitIsUp · 30/08/2021 21:32

This one is for teamfemale - if your friends are mostly those acquired at school then that could be regarded as pretty sad - could mean that you have never left the area you grew up in and you haven't therefore got (or had) a flourishing career. How do you like that sweeping generalisation?

From originally living in the Fens I went to Sheffield as my Uni city, I then moved to Nottingham, then Leicester, then Ascot and then Winchester (for successive promotions). I haven't been back to the town I grew up in (especially since my parents retired elsewhere) for twenty years. My school friends are Facebook friends only. I've had to make friends in new places wherever the opportunity arises rather than just rely on old connections from childhood. Those opportunities have included school mums

LimitIsUp · 30/08/2021 21:34

To clarify I meant in my first paragraph friends that were acquired by you as a child at school

BecauseMyRingBurnsSheila · 30/08/2021 21:42

You need to get some new actual friends. A mum friend of mine got messed around by her previous group. They flip flopped between excluding and including her at random. It hurt her but it hurt her more to see the effect on her DD. She reached out to another of my mum friends who invited her to an event at her house and couldn't believe how nicely we treated her. She's now a firm member of our mum group and both instigates and joins in on our socialising. So my advice is find some nicer, better friends who don't treat you like that.

Lotusmonster · 30/08/2021 21:44

Hang around with people that make you happy…..this bunch don’t, so don’t….simple.

TheRabbitStoleMyHat · 30/08/2021 21:44

If your kids are the only reason you have friends I think that's pretty sad. And that's not aimed at OP, that's for you

That’s a really shitty comment. Why does it matter how you make friends with people?

This one is for teamfemale - if your friends are mostly those acquired at school then that could be regarded as pretty sad - could mean that you have never left the area you grew up in and you haven't therefore got (or had) a flourishing career. How do you like that sweeping generalisation?

Yep.

Lotusmonster · 30/08/2021 21:47

….and don’t be a door mat and passively go along to anymore coffees, graciously bow out and make an excuse.

Suetully · 30/08/2021 21:51

If your kids are the only reason you have friends I think that's pretty sad. And that's not aimed at OP, that's for you

I don't have kids x

Suetully · 30/08/2021 21:55

Yeah, this would have been the time to say "oh, thought we were all going?" Now that that time's passed I don't see any way for you to mention it without it being awkward. Also mentioning it now would make you seem 'bothered

can be so hard to mention it at any time without it being awkward as fuck, cringy and outright uncomfortable but agree the longer you leave it the harder it is to speak up.
I really think stuff like assertiveness and budgeting should be taught in school on a mandatary basis because they are essential life skills so many of us lack and at such expense.

Suetully · 30/08/2021 22:00

wasn't sure what was going on, and reading this it seems they have brought the English way with them. We have had a lovely long summer holiday and my dc are now dreading going back to school for the first time because of the constant rude comments and awkward ignoring from the English

not English by any means and I say that as somebody who didn't grow up in Britain and didn't come here until my late 20s. Sounds like typical behaviour you get in all cultures and societies.

me4real · 30/08/2021 22:02

@Suetully Yep and red flags of men/relationships.

Suetully · 30/08/2021 22:08

Yep and red flags of men/relationships

Interesting you say that but why is it you view the behaviour the op describes as being of sexual relationships with men? I'm not saying that in a goady way, just interested.

I'd not have said that myself but seen it as more of typical power dynamics that exist in social/peer groups or cliques whereby there is a ringleader and the followers and 1 or 2 will always be targeted as 'not good enough'.

Suetully · 30/08/2021 22:10

Oh wait sorry you meant that comment in response to lessons kids should learn at school. Agreed.

bevm72yellow · 30/08/2021 22:34

what is the common denominator between these women? Is it "Class", social networking? husband's partner's jobs similar? Do they think you would not like camping and come across as more upper class to them? I am asking because I have met people who would not allow their kids to mix with other people's kids unless their Dad/Mum was a vet/doctor/ lawyer ....social networking only with who they want to be like. You may be invited to the coffee mornings to serve a purpose e.g. giving lifts/ providing something. and you may have served your purpose to them.

PluggingAway · 30/08/2021 22:40

Are you single and they are married?
Are you obviously wealthier or poorer?
Do your DC have SEN?
Are you much older or younger than them?

Just wondering if you've been singled out for some horrible judgey reason. It could be anything, really.

PluggingAway · 30/08/2021 22:45

@bevm72yellow

Entirely possible. I found myself in this situation as the only SAHM in a big group of working doctor and nurse mums. I thought we were all friends but it turned out I was just free childcare for their ever so busy schedules. Obviously I could never really be friends with them because I just wasn't quite like them. The childcare expectations were obviously fair because I didn't have any much else on, surely? I was actually told this by one of them. Our kids all used to play together in my garden. The kids didn't seem to mind that my garden wasn't in the posh suburb of town. It was all extremely hurtful and wasn't any less so just because I was in my 30s.

MrsBobDylan · 30/08/2021 23:06

That must have been awful to hear op. I don't think raising it with them will lead to anything useful. They didn't communicate that they were leaving you out and they won't welcome questions on the subject.

It's cold comfort but at least you now know it's time to move on.

KatherineJaneway · 30/08/2021 23:10

They clearly are not your friends, just acquaintances. If it were me I'd step right back, their actions have told you all you need to know about how they regard you Flowers

Happymum12345 · 30/08/2021 23:22

I’ve been in this situation about a weekend away. I saw a picture of them hiking somewhere having a jolly old time. It’s hurtful. I couldn’t bring myself to ask why they didn’t ask me. We had long discussed the weekend away.
I had forgotten about it-your post reminded me. So there is hope!

Suetully · 30/08/2021 23:28

I’ve been in this situation about a weekend away. I saw a picture of them hiking somewhere having a jolly old time. It’s hurtful. I couldn’t bring myself to ask why they didn’t ask me. We had long discussed the weekend away.
I had forgotten about it-your post reminded me. So there is hope

And so did you just continue being friends with them? How long had you been friends before it happened?