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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset Mum friends from school have done this?

461 replies

Yup83 · 30/08/2021 14:49

There is a group of four of us that often go for coffee after school drop off. Last term one of them suggested we all go camping sometime, which I thought was a really nice idea.

Whilst talking with one of them the other day I found out that the three of them and their families are all going camping, but I wasn't invited.

I feel pretty hurt as I thought we were all good friends, and also especially as I was originally invited when it was first mentioned.

I'm not really sure what to do about it, with school starting back I'm bound to see them all again and it's been playing on my mind. I don't really know if I should say something, sack them off and put my energy towards other friends who don't exclude me or try to make more effort with them.

I also feel pretty stupid that at the ripe old age of 38 I'm being "left out", feels pretty childish.

OP posts:
RosiePosieDozy · 30/08/2021 20:05

Definitely cool off from them. Focus on new friendships. What they've done is very hurtful and you deserve better than that. I would remain polite but look for new friends.

Plumtree391 · 30/08/2021 20:07

That's so sensible, Moelwynbach.

I always found the 'mummy posses' outside school quite frightening. However I did go to work part time so it wasn't always me doing the picking up and dropping off, and I had some real friends.

Teamfemale · 30/08/2021 20:10

@Suetully

No it really isn't. How can you compare this with that comment to some one who has breast cancer, that's basically blaming the cancer victim for having breasts confused

Because other posters are blaming the op for having hurt feelings.

Means that the friendship isn't that deep because its based on the kids.

and so what does qualify to you as the only worthy friendship source?

You can't blame other people for you comparing this situation to a women having breast cancer.

You took the comment that was bolded out of context.

Building friendships with people just because you have kids isn't that deep, yes its lovely to chat at the school gates and have playdates, go for coffee but that's all it really is.

Most people have friends who they have shared a life time of experiences with that don't revolve around and are completely independent from their kids.

If your kids are the only reason you have friends I think that's pretty sad. And that's not aimed at OP, that's for you.

OhDear2200 · 30/08/2021 20:10

OP - sympathies this does happen. However if it makes you feel better I went on a school mums camping trip this year, done it a few times. However after this year I’ve promised myself not to do it again.

You will only hear the good bits. But believe me there will be crappy bits too, when other kids annoy you, when you discover that the husband of your friend who you always thought was a nice guy is in fact a complete dick head, etc….

I’ve never felt so insecure at times as I have at the school gate. I hate that I’ve been made to feel this way. High school on the horizon and can’t wait to not to have to deal with it any more….

Lostmarbles2021 · 30/08/2021 20:12

It might be that the three of them saw each other and got talking about it and arranged it then and there and none of them thought to invite you - out of sight out of mind kind of thing - rather than a deliberate snub. I can see that happening much more easily than them deliberately excluding you. There might have been a diffusion of responsibility with each of them thinking the others would let you know and assuming you couldn’t go. Or there were only three spaces left so they decided to just go for it. Or four families felt too much.

I’m not minimising and it was thoughtless and I would be really hurt too. I just don’t want you to feel like the only option is that they don’t like you.

Diverseopinions · 30/08/2021 20:12

I don't think it is anything about you, OP, and to it would be harsh and simplistic for anyone to suggest if is.

I think that with four of you in the group, there is ample room for misunderstanding and difference of opinion. What probably happened is that one mum thought her family would be going with just one other family, and then found out, to her consternation, that third family would be there. She probably said how she hadn't known, and didn't like big groups, and it was then too much to say that there was yet a fourth family coming. It could be petty to do with how the kids play, and one mum being bossy and bamboozling the other two.

I would be a bit distant in yourself, but don't take it to heart. It is probably a cock-up of misunderstanding.

Be chatty, but don't invite more of these away things, with them. You could say to them all: " I think you're all unkind for suggesting we go on holiday, and then leaving me out. I wouldn't model that sort of behaviour to your kids, because it feels really unpleasant, to me, aged 38, so goodness knows what it would feel to for them, at their tender age".

But then, if you want to make playdates easy for your kids, it might be best to say nothing, but don't attach too much expectation to friendship with these rather unkind people, whom you can do without. I guess that is why Scouts and other clubs are good for facilitating mixing, but where everyone is included in a healthy way.

cookingisoverrated · 30/08/2021 20:13

That's really shitty. I'm sorry it happened to you, OP.

some people really do suck

I hope you find some better friends.

Coffeepot72 · 30/08/2021 20:14

OP, I totally agree you should make some new friends, but that’s so damn hard! Making friends as an adult can be really tricky

Diverseopinions · 30/08/2021 20:18

The only friends people should want are kind friends, without it, there is no capacity for friendliness, so ignore this notion of being in with the in crowd, as that is the height of petty-minded childishness, and not a good attitude to have, or to be modelling to your kids.

Mum233 · 30/08/2021 20:18

Not the same but had a similar situation. They all agreed to meet up at my local pub and I happened to be in the pub. My DD watched in horror as all of her friends turned up for this giant play date and she wasn’t invited. I got really upset and DD was sobbing. I brazenly went and joined them and said “sorry to gatecrash your play date but how lovely that they can all play together”. DD thought that she’d been invited after all and the people who I thought were all good friends felt massively uncomfortable. I was polite and breezy then sobbed when I got home! X

MsTSwift · 30/08/2021 20:20

It’s quite cruel to be sneery about those of us that have made friends through having kids we moved to a new city where we knew absolutely no one 12 years ago when I was pregnant with a toddler so was hard to avoid making friends through kids. We are still friends with lots of them though in most cases our kids are definitely not!

babouchette · 30/08/2021 20:23

I think there are only two ways to deal with this if you want to stay friends. You either pretend it didn't get to you, or you ask them (in a friendly way) "oi, what happened to my invite?".

Personally I'd have to ask as otherwise it would eat me up forever. But you may be more mature than me and able to rise above it Grin

It's hurtful for sure and I'm sorry they aren't the friends you thought they were.

Diverseopinions · 30/08/2021 20:26

It's like the onion skin thing, though, isn't it, you can enjoy the other mum's company, but be aware that facilitating play dates might be the motivation, and you might not want to trust yourself to confide deeply, until you know them longer. Having the moment and the class homework to talk about and similar experiences in common is lovely, but maybe best to protect your own feelings until you a sure that a deeper sense of trust is there.

Diverseopinions · 30/08/2021 20:28

Mum223 I hope things got much better and that the kids turned out to be nicer, as they matured, than the adults.

Suetully · 30/08/2021 20:28

Personally I'd have to ask as otherwise it would eat me up forever. But you may be more mature than me and able to rise above it grin

I don't think confronting them is by any means immature, if anything that is mature. It's more that it takes confidence to do that.

me4real · 30/08/2021 20:31

put my energy towards other friends who don't exclude me or try to make more effort with them.

You answered your own question @Yup83 . We see so many threads on here with similar things happening with mean girl mums. Protect yourself and your self esteem by only bothering with people who put as much into a friendship etc as you do. Don't chase anyone's friendship. This is what I've learned at last over the last couple of years. I'm so much happier for it. Sounds like you know it already really, which is great.

PegasusReturns · 30/08/2021 20:35

Walk alone and think for yourself be courteous and kind just don't get involved in parent politics its dull and pointless

But this isn’t parent politics! This is a friendship that happens to have arisen due to the circumstance of school attendance.

FelicityBeedle · 30/08/2021 20:40

I tbjnk j you might be being a little bit dramatic… You might be good friends but at the coffee after drop off level. Camping with people generally means being very close to someone. MN is very hot on not doing things out of obligation, inviting you might have been that.

You don’t need to drop them as friends, just keep them as coffee friends which is all you were anywag

Coconuttts · 30/08/2021 20:44

I'm sorry to say, but they have actively left you out. They could have asked you; they didn't. They aren't your real friends. Drop them.

me4real · 30/08/2021 20:49

^I tbjnk j you might be being a little bit dramatic… You might be good friends but at the coffee after drop off level. Camping with people generally means being very close to someone. MN is very hot on not doing things out of obligation, inviting you might have been that.
You don’t need to drop them as friends, just keep them as coffee friends which is all you were anywag^

That'd be slightly better if it weren't for that they initially mentioned it to OP as if she was going to be included. So it's not that OP got the wrong idea about the level of friendship based on nothing.

Hdhdjejdj · 30/08/2021 20:52

Some people like to leave people out of a group in order to make themselves feel more special they are in the group. They don’t even know they are doing it, never mind why. Stupid, weak people.

XingMing · 30/08/2021 20:54

Back in the days when DS was a nipper, there was a school group that always camped in the IoS most of August. Booking opened early November and unless you were there waiting for the booking opening, it was sold out for the whole month 20 minutes later. There was no time to consider. You need someone friendly to explain how the system works when you want a small, specific location.

Suetully · 30/08/2021 20:55

*I tbjnk j you might be being a little bit dramatic… You might be good friends but at the coffee after drop off level. Camping with people generally means being very close to someone. MN is very hot on not doing things out of obligation, inviting you might have been that.

You don’t need to drop them as friends, just keep them as coffee friends which is all you were anywag*

The op stated she saw them as ''really good friends''. Nothing dramatic about it. It's also the fact she was singled out.

Suetully · 30/08/2021 20:59

That'd be slightly better if it weren't for that they initially mentioned it to OP as if she was going to be included. So it's not that OP got the wrong idea about the level of friendship based on nothing

yes agreed. It baffles me how when these threads appear on mn people say 'you were never friends though in the first place' when they clearly were and in saying this act as if the op is delusional.

IReallyCantThinkOfAnything · 30/08/2021 21:05

It’s just mean, but don’t give them the satisfaction and say anything. Hold your head high and focus on other friendships. If they mention it then say, “how wonderful, I hope you had a great time”…. Kill em with kindness.

BTW - don’t beat yourself up, it’s really not you.

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