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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset Mum friends from school have done this?

461 replies

Yup83 · 30/08/2021 14:49

There is a group of four of us that often go for coffee after school drop off. Last term one of them suggested we all go camping sometime, which I thought was a really nice idea.

Whilst talking with one of them the other day I found out that the three of them and their families are all going camping, but I wasn't invited.

I feel pretty hurt as I thought we were all good friends, and also especially as I was originally invited when it was first mentioned.

I'm not really sure what to do about it, with school starting back I'm bound to see them all again and it's been playing on my mind. I don't really know if I should say something, sack them off and put my energy towards other friends who don't exclude me or try to make more effort with them.

I also feel pretty stupid that at the ripe old age of 38 I'm being "left out", feels pretty childish.

OP posts:
Volhhg · 30/08/2021 23:31

@grapewine

Move on with your life. These people are only your friends because you all had sex in the same year.

Brilliantly put and good advice.

True but can be applied to many other reasons for friendship. Such as old school friendships only existing because you're parents had sex at the same time. Really many friendships start for shallow reasons but it doesn't hurt any less to find yourself rejected
BorisTheBellendPM · 30/08/2021 23:34

I'd just ask on the group chat 'Can I ask why I was excluded from the camping trip?' then wait to see who sees it/answers. No point wallowing in it when you can be upfront and let them know what they've done isn't nice.

EspressoDoubleShot · 30/08/2021 23:57

That’s rubbish advice. Why persist demanding answers?. They’ll just think you’re preoccupied and bit daft and it’ll confirm to them why you’re not in the group

JedEye · 31/08/2021 00:06

Did you get a sense of your friend being embarrassed about the camping conversation? You know, as if she had put her foot in it. Or was she just upfront about it?

If they go camping without you then it’s pretty obvious you would find out.

Personally I wouldn’t be able to carry on as before. I would be avoiding them and I’m sure they would know why. But I’m not certain where that leaves the children. What a horrible situation OP it’s a shitty thing to do to you. Flowers

Hdhdjejdj · 31/08/2021 00:07

I agree. Don’t ask them about why they excluded you. It will only pander to their egos and false sense of superiority.

stayathomer · 31/08/2021 00:15

I obviously don't know what happened but there are times when eg people meet accidentally in a shop or playground or the like and something gets planned and the person who happened not to be there gets left out but not on purpose. It's unfortunate but it does happen

Mothership4two · 31/08/2021 00:18

My guess OP is one of them doesn't like you as much as you thought and has influenced the others. And they made their choice.

I would have to ask (not demand) the friend who you have since spoken to, why it changed as it had been agreed and you had thought that you were going. It would prey on my mind otherwise. That's quite a reasonable thing to ask. I couldn't give a tinkers if it gave them a sense of superiority. Then I'd look for a different set of school mums to be friends with.

workshy44 · 31/08/2021 00:31

I have been in this situation but the others wanted to exclude one of the others and while they liked her , they didn’t like her enough to go away with her. I didn’t go as I felt she would be devastated if she found out and she was going to find out. With me not going it was fine as it wasn’t like everyone was going and the others had been friends for longer. It’s either the above or one doesn’t like you that much and has influenced the others into not including you. That or ones of the husbands doesn’t like your husband

workshy44 · 31/08/2021 00:33

I would probably ask the one you are closest to for closure - I wouldn’t post it on the WhatsApp group , that is the nuclear option and will make things awkward and may affect the kids friendship. You have no choice but to back away as they clearly don’t see you as you see them. It’s really upsetting.

Suetully · 31/08/2021 00:34

I have been in this situation but the others wanted to exclude one of the others and while they liked her , they didn’t like her enough to go away with her. I didn’t go as I felt she would be devastated if she found out and she was going to find out

interesting to hear a perspective from the other side and well done for what you did, a very noble action. What exactly didn't they like about her? I am always interested to hear the feedback in these scenarios over what exactly the problem is.

Eatenpig · 31/08/2021 00:39

@Tal45

I'd message the one who told you and say you were a bit taken aback when she said about the camping and had you done something to upset the group that meant you weren't invited. I think you deserve an explanation as that's just mean.
This
IceLace100 · 31/08/2021 00:44

I'd move onto new friendships and not give them any more time or energy.

Sorry this happened, it's not nice. At least you found out now and didn't have to spend a week in tents with these cows.

Disabrie22 · 31/08/2021 00:50

This will make you feel better - we were good friends with four families and three of which would book a camping trip and not invite another family and mine. I felt so left out - late 30’s at the time - struggled with self esteem, felt there was something wrong with us. I think they cottoned on and invited all families the next time - I was thrilled for my kids and us. The trip was awful - there wasn’t anything wrong with the families but mine did just not fit in - the whole style of it just wasn’t where we were at and as my children were a volatile six year old and a three year old - it was a nightmare. Everyone seemed to have an agenda and often escaped the campsite leaving me with all the children which mean havoc and arguments broke out. A difference in parenting style provoked one of the men into giving me an earful and by that point I’d had enough and we left with myself in tears. I went home and didn’t make contact with them all for six weeks and only one friend reached out to say - you had a shit time didn’t you?
I realised then that I was on the periphery of a really lovely group of people - because actually we just weren’t a great fit for them. It hurt me hugely but I moved on and focused on other friends - mumsnet advice.
We now go camping with people like us and enjoy it - i also now have better friendships with those on the group because I stopped trying to make it work.
I’m sending love and support to you because I know how this feels but you will find your tribe - it just takes time.

Ticksallboxes · 31/08/2021 01:09

@Disabrie22 I think you speak for so many people here.

Beautiful words.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 31/08/2021 03:37

@Suetully

*Her response was "you can't be invited to everything, and I don't think you'd fit in with this one" I pointed out that she had ALREADY invited me, but she just shrugged*

eekk how awkward and how did you ever stay the rest of the weekend with her never mind continue the friendship after that?

Not sure, really! I wasn't long at her house after that - she was a funny one as it was, we would have a great Friday night/Saturday/Saturday night but by Sunday morning there was definitely an "are you still here?" vibe from her, so I rarely stayed til lunch - and this happened on the Sunday morning, so I would have left shortly after anyway.
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 31/08/2021 04:11

@Disabrie22

This will make you feel better - we were good friends with four families and three of which would book a camping trip and not invite another family and mine. I felt so left out - late 30’s at the time - struggled with self esteem, felt there was something wrong with us. I think they cottoned on and invited all families the next time - I was thrilled for my kids and us. The trip was awful - there wasn’t anything wrong with the families but mine did just not fit in - the whole style of it just wasn’t where we were at and as my children were a volatile six year old and a three year old - it was a nightmare. Everyone seemed to have an agenda and often escaped the campsite leaving me with all the children which mean havoc and arguments broke out. A difference in parenting style provoked one of the men into giving me an earful and by that point I’d had enough and we left with myself in tears. I went home and didn’t make contact with them all for six weeks and only one friend reached out to say - you had a shit time didn’t you? I realised then that I was on the periphery of a really lovely group of people - because actually we just weren’t a great fit for them. It hurt me hugely but I moved on and focused on other friends - mumsnet advice. We now go camping with people like us and enjoy it - i also now have better friendships with those on the group because I stopped trying to make it work. I’m sending love and support to you because I know how this feels but you will find your tribe - it just takes time.
That really is interesting - so there were clear reasons that the other families felt that your family wouldn't fit in, but rather than discuss those, they elected to show you instead.

I think it would have been a painful realisation for you either way - but if they'd just told you a bit more about the camping trips and how they worked up front, maybe that level of pain could have been avoided!

I do think it makes a difference when the men get involved too.
I have lots of lovely friends (yes, they're all mum friends because who else was I going to meet once I moved to Australia with a 22mo?) but only very few of them have partners who get on with mine. And of them, even one of them has since confided in me that he was only being polite because they have nothing in common!

If only we could all learn to be a little more upfront about the potential issues, rather than everything being done secretively and causing pain because people don't understand or realise why they've been excluded, it would be much better! (I obviously don't mean in a rude way - saying something like "we like you but hate your DH" is clearly inappropriate!)

Beautiful3 · 31/08/2021 06:24

I would just ask nicely, how come you weren't invited.

stepupandbecounted · 31/08/2021 06:38

'You can't be invited to everything' is a total cop out, if you were in fact initially invited.

Even if you were not, good friends do not hurt each other by excluding each other from special events and planned get togethers. We are not nine years old, most adults do not expect to be 'invited to everything' Drop like a stone and make new friends or invest in older friendships that offer respect and kindness as standard.

MsTSwift · 31/08/2021 06:38

Terrible advice. Don’t do that. Flags you as weak and whiny. What are they going to say?

MsTSwift · 31/08/2021 06:39

My comment was to Beautiful

stepupandbecounted · 31/08/2021 06:39

Don't mention a word about it. Bright and breezy indifference is the only way otherwise you look desperate and needy.

MsTSwift · 31/08/2021 06:40

Absolutely. And form your own clique! Success is the best revenge.

stepupandbecounted · 31/08/2021 06:45

You ask them, nicely why you were not invited guaranteed reply will be:

'We didn't think it was your kind of thing' {BS)
'I thought x invited you, clearly there has been some miscommunication' (excuse)
'I didn't organise it' (deflect)

What you are very unlikely to hear is an apology or any kind of serious acknowledgement. If your friends had cared about you, they would have insisted you were invited or declined the invite and refused to go along with the trip. They all had the option to call this out, but choose not to.

None of them are your 'friends' and never will be. Get some real friends op!

BonnyBarb · 31/08/2021 07:03

I had similarish very recently. Core group of mums, been friends for 7 years. Was walking down the road with one who said anyway we'll catch up properly tonight. Except there was no "tonight" as far as I knew. But there was. It was a party for one of the other mums and only consisted of school mums. It did hurt but what can you do. I decided to brush it off and mentally deleted the mum who arranged it all from my "friends list"

felulageller · 31/08/2021 07:36

Oh that's so mean they are such bitches