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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset Mum friends from school have done this?

461 replies

Yup83 · 30/08/2021 14:49

There is a group of four of us that often go for coffee after school drop off. Last term one of them suggested we all go camping sometime, which I thought was a really nice idea.

Whilst talking with one of them the other day I found out that the three of them and their families are all going camping, but I wasn't invited.

I feel pretty hurt as I thought we were all good friends, and also especially as I was originally invited when it was first mentioned.

I'm not really sure what to do about it, with school starting back I'm bound to see them all again and it's been playing on my mind. I don't really know if I should say something, sack them off and put my energy towards other friends who don't exclude me or try to make more effort with them.

I also feel pretty stupid that at the ripe old age of 38 I'm being "left out", feels pretty childish.

OP posts:
NinaGonk · 30/08/2021 18:26

Oh I hate stuff like this. It's why I quit facebook, I constantly felt left out of stuff.

In my case I think it's often couples meeting up or going away, I'm a single parent so maybe they think that's an odd dynamic.

I like other posters suggestions to try to put your energy elsewhere. I am terrible for stewing about things like this and it just makes you feel worse xx

Backonceagainwiththe · 30/08/2021 18:32

When this happened to me it was devastating but had to brazen out at school gate and that was worst. This wasn't the first or last time it happened. Eventually you realise you are a B list friend. Years later I realised that the issue was that in these kind of families the women don't hold power and it's led by husbands. Perhaps the husbands are friends and your DH isn't. Do they cycle or play football together or work in similar jobs? My DH wasn't ever in 'the gang' for a number of reasons. We have a SEN child too. Absolutely gutting at the time. When we moved house I decided to build friendships outside of the school gates as the ones in school are all fine but when they go wrong there really is no escape. Its like school days all over again. My DC are beyond those early school years now and it's a lot easier.

WimpoleHat · 30/08/2021 18:38

Are you usually/are you an established group of four? If so, it’s really shitty and can’t be explained away as an oversight or just a few people from a larger group making an individual arrangement. And, unfortunately, there will be a reason why. If you don’t think it’s you, then it will be your child or your husband (or, as a pp suggested, your lack of one). People who go behind your back like this will be unlikely to do the courtesy of telling you why, though; if you do confront them, you’ll get some bullshit and they’ll be saying “oh, how awkward” behind your back. It’s really horrible, OP. I’d definitely be looking for some new friends. Keep it civil and bright and breezy with this lot, but I’d drop them like a stone….

Sierra259 · 30/08/2021 18:40

This sounds horrible. At least (painful as it is atm) you now know where you stand with them, and can put your energy into other friendships Flowers

EmmalineC · 30/08/2021 18:41

This kind of thing goes on throughout life - heck, there's probably a 99 year old wondering why the rest of the gang have gone to the pub for lunch and not invited her.

Someone I work with had a party (pre-Covid so none of that only 6 households malarkey) and invited every single person except for three people. It was so childish and deliberately designed to make those three people feel left out. I asked her why and she shrugged and said 'I don't like them' like she was 5 and not 35.

Pathetic behaviour. Schoolgate mums used to remind me of The Mean Girls so I steered well clear. As long as my children were included, I wasn't bothered.

EspressoDoubleShot · 30/08/2021 18:42

No one deserves an explanation of behaviour just as no one can be compelled to include someone in a group
It’s pointless to demand an explanation and it’s unlikely they’ll reply you know what on balance youre a charismatic and charming woman how ever did we exclude you.please accept our contrite apologies and we will never ever not invite you again

Hugoslavia · 30/08/2021 18:45

@PallasStrand

Clearly, the first incident was far more unsetting and definitely stung. The second one didn't overly bother me, apart from the fact that our kids are all close friends and that, as mums we regularly meet for coffee, usually at my house. It seemed a tad inconsiderate, that's all to be enthusing about the activities planned for their 6 boys, knowing that they would all be talking about it at school and that mine or two others weren't included. Anyway, as I said, it didn't overly bother me, nor my son, but it's not just something that I would have done. Maybe I'm too inclusive though! A couple of years back one of them had a party with a height restriction in place that meant that one child out of the 9 couldn't accept the invitation. Again, I just thought it harsh to do that to a 7 year old.

Squidthing · 30/08/2021 18:45

YANBU to be hurt but I wouldn't sack off the relationship with your friends due to this if otherwise you've always got on well. What I would do is next time you see them tell them that you would really like to come along if they do it again next year.

My child is now in Year 6, and we thought we'd made lots of new friends at first, and we have in a way -- but quite a few families have moved on so IME these types of friendships are quite transient in nature anyway. If you can't bear to confront these friends directly and want to go camping next year find a family or 2 that you like and invite them.

UnsuitableHat · 30/08/2021 18:46

Yanbu. I’d probably cool off from them a bit without making too much of it all.

QueenBee52 · 30/08/2021 18:55

@UnsuitableHat

Yanbu. I’d probably cool off from them a bit without making too much of it all.

definitely ...

focus on new kinder honest friends 🌸

Suetully · 30/08/2021 19:18

Schoolgate mums used to remind me of The Mean Girls so I steered well clear. As long as my children were included, I wasn't bothered

There is no difference between school gate mums and mums or women who aren't mums behaviour you'd meet at the gym, at work, at a hobby... you will get nice and nasty everywhere... Ironic you say this when you start you start the post with:

This kind of thing goes on throughout life

Tianatiers · 30/08/2021 19:25

I personally can’t bothered making friends on the school run, unless of course I really genuinely find a connection with someone, which so far isn’t the case. Just because our children are in the same class or friends with each other, there is no need for the parents to buddy up. I’d rather keep out of it and let my children forge their own genuine bonds with the children they like rather than force them to hang around and go on holiday with the children whose parents I vaguely like.

I’d distance yourself from these mums and focus on your real friendships. Go for a coffee with them by all means if you have nothing better to do and you fancy a coffee, but know that they’re not real friends.

notanothertakeaway · 30/08/2021 19:28

It is hurtful to feel left out. Doesn't have to be the end of the friendship, but you may wish to recalibrate the friendship in your own head. I've had this with one friend a couple of times, where she has arranged meals out etc where I would have a reasonable expectation I would be invited. Yes I was upset. But I acknowledged that she can socialise with whoever she likes, and doesn't have to invite me every time. We are still friends. I never asked her about it. I realise that we're not as close as I thought. But that's ok

Rainbowsew · 30/08/2021 19:30

Yanbu to be hurt. I'd invest your time in other people, don't bother with them other than play dates for the children Flowers

Mary46 · 30/08/2021 19:35

Not nice. I met a mix some lovely mums some not. Find cliques not nice have seen it at school gates and office temping at lunch times. Left out. Even as adult its not nice

MintyGreenDream · 30/08/2021 19:36

That's mean of them if they'd previously mentioned it to you.
I've got quite a few school mum mates but I'd rarely organise a bit trip like that it always gets complicated

LyraSilvertongueBelacqua · 30/08/2021 19:36

School mum friendship groups have such a strange dynamic.

I would feel exactly the same OP Thanks

meanbeany · 30/08/2021 19:37

[quote EspressoDoubleShot]@Hugoslavia I agree with majority of your post, however if I don’t like a kid or a parent I won’t invite them. Simple as that
The Queen bee of the pta has a ghastly boorish child who’s a bully, I purposefully excluded them from my child party. Why would I invite the child who teases and is mean to everyone to my kids party to get a free tea and party bag. The party was fun because I excluded the class bully.
Of course I’m going to prioritise my preference and my child, because it directly impacts upon us. I’m not going to plaster on a smile and tolerate the company of a pair I dislike out of misplaced sense of manners or doing the right thing[/quote]

I actually agree with this.

Benjispruce5 · 30/08/2021 19:37

I’d have to say something like ‘Oh I thought we were all going to go, you should have told me.’ Just to see what the reaction is.

Bahhhhhumbug · 30/08/2021 19:38

It's like an episode of Motherland, only that's very funny and based on (albeit exaggerated) school gate politics. Is one of them like Amanda at all and the rest just follow?
Not so funny in real life though.
Horrible of them. Yes make new friends, call them out first though, you're too nice for them.

Bahhhhhumbug · 30/08/2021 19:41

although based on

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 30/08/2021 19:48

Arrive as the bell goes at drop off /pick ups. Shades are an idea. Easy to avoid eye contact... Leave any what's app group etc....
What utter bitches op.

justmaybenot · 30/08/2021 19:52

Of course it's natural to be upset. Something similarish happened to me, still not sure why except the organiser wanted the other mums to herself maybe. It really stung at the time but I just re-connected with other friends and can shrug it off now. I'd say be cool enough with them but also maybe organise something low-stakes yourself and invite them along if you'd like to stay in touch and your dcs like being around one another.

Moelwynbach · 30/08/2021 20:01

I have no lixard brain and no desire to be in a group. Im lucky to have a few decent mum acquaintances but they are not my friends. Walk alone and think for yourself be courteous and kind just don't get involved in parent politics its dull and pointless.

RiverSkater · 30/08/2021 20:04

I think saying these are mum friends make sure sound like they aren't real friends. It doesn't master how you came together, you did and you felt you were part of something.

I'd be very hurt too and spend a lot of time agonising over it. Ultimately, I'd need to say something so ask one of them you feel closer to the circumstances so you can draw a close to it.

I would also withdraw from them too because no matter what they say, you were excluded and who wants to spend time with people that dont value enough?

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