To be upset Mum friends from school have done this?

[Yup83]

There is a group of four of us that often go for coffee after school drop off. Last term one of them suggested we all go camping sometime, which I thought was a really nice idea.

Whilst talking with one of them the other day I found out that the three of them and their families are all going camping, but I wasn't invited.

I feel pretty hurt as I thought we were all good friends, and also especially as I was originally invited when it was first mentioned.

I'm not really sure what to do about it, with school starting back I'm bound to see them all again and it's been playing on my mind. I don't really know if I should say something, sack them off and put my energy towards other friends who don't exclude me or try to make more effort with them.

I also feel pretty stupid that at the ripe old age of 38 I'm being "left out", feels pretty childish.

But you don't present them as your experience - you tell others that they are wrong just because you say they are, and you proclaim it very loudly. You have absolutely no way of knowing what the majority experience on MN is.

I have a handful of really great girl friends from primary school days, and that is really nice for me, but I could see what was going on around me very clearly. The packs of mother, the competitive friendships, the dynamics at time seemed to me pretty toxic. I got on with most in a cheery superfluous way, but some invested a lot of personal time, capital and resources, and in some cases their marriages to stay on the right side of their groups and it was painful at times to see the fall out.

You are well rid op!

Sounds like mean, juvenile, passive-aggressive behaviour. I will never understand why adults behave this way. I’d feel the same as you. Definitely focus on people who are kind, and somehow try to distance yourself from this, if only psychologically.

@PearlyRising

YANBU to be hurt.

It's always hurtful when you have that moment of reassessment. Wait, we're not actually close friends? I am left off this list?

That is a painful experience. But the only cure is to take your focus off that group and concentrate on other friendships. It is counterintuitive though because the lizard part of your brain is tellinng you that you must get back in with that group, that your survival hinges on it.

Ignore your lizard brain and ring up and connect with people who are sadly peripheral to your every day life.

xx

This is spot on advice. I’ve had very similar. Very hurtful. Try to not dwell on it ( easier said than done) and move on to new people.

When my mum died an old friend unfriended me on Facebook. In the end I ASKED WHY.
He had no idea about mum and he explained about some stuff that had happened. I know this is nothing like a camping trip but the way to find out why is to ask
Just ask . There might be a good reason and if it is a crap reason at least you will know for sure and move on .

This thread reminds me of a John Bishop routine, in which he says " the only thing I have in common with the schoolgate parents is that we all had sex in the same year". Expectations are too high, I feel.
Sorry OP - no help at all. Just ask them why.

[Flowers] How unpleasant for you. I agree with all the advice to fade out. Normally pride would ensure that I would not ask a group like this "what went wrong", but I can see why it might suit some. More importantly, keep your antennae and radar really pricked up for any bad interaction between their children and yours at school, in case something negative is going on. And of course, don't continue to encourage the friendship between them all too much. If it happens it happens, but you don't want the exclusive mums to be important adults for your child which will happen if your child keeps going for tea with them or whatever.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff

It really hurts to be excluded but I think the Sheepish friend did you a favour and at least had the guts to tell you, which the others didn't.

I think if your children are all going to be in the same class for several years that its important to keep things civil, cool and neutral so that it doesn't impact on your DC.
You don't want to store up problems for the future, with a big fall out, but I would very much quietly disengage as you don't want to be treated like this ever again. And I'd also be trying to form new friendships and I wouldn't be dragged into doing favours for any of this group in future.

its not surprising that you were thrown by the information and didn't respond immediately but I think it would be quite in order to quietly ask Sheeepish in a calm non emotional way, if she knew why you were initially invited and then later on left out. At least you'd hear some kind of reason. If she says she doesn't know, ask her what she thinks of that and whether she'd be hurt if they did that to them. And then move on.

In a way, its a consolation that you didn't have to go on this trip and suffer from the cooling off vibes from them for a whole trip.

A few weeks into term, it will be full on school rush and this will all be in the past and you can look forward to making better connections.

This

I would find this very hurtful. I wouldn't mention it, until sheepish friend brings it up, if she does. Then I would say.

I have mummy friends from school do exactly the same thing they go out for meals and days out but they don't invite me.

As someone who has experienced this type of thing myself more than once, I really feel for you. There’s “nowt as queer as folk” as the saying goes. Don’t let them see you are upset but do take a step back and focus on people you can rely on to be decent. Stay friendly but cool with them would be my advice. They aren’t worth the hassle. Yes ignore your lizard brain as someone else advised. Sending a hug 🤗.

Some people just never move past playground behaviour. Move on and focus on other things. I never bothered with mums at school apart from occasional play dates or parties with the genuine ones as I found them more childish than the children! Working part time meant I had other people to engage with. Gossiping nattering mums at the gate who exclude other mums were exactly the same as children, mean girls. Move on.

Similar happened to me. I suggested a camping trip after three kids including mine asked if we could do something together. All agreed oh great idea. Next thing I hear the other two are going camping with another family that was mentioned too at the time. Not very nice but honestly i just thought oh well they don’t see me the same way I see them and have backed off. It’s a shame but yanbu in feeling hurt at all. Like being back in the playground sometimes ourselves!

It’s very hurtful , I had similar happen to me , although I had organised a camping trip for a group one year and then the next year found out on Facebook they went again but didn’t invite me! I was so upset but it made me realise should focus on other friends, it took a while but I have built up a completely different friendship group now

@Girraffe1968

I have mummy friends from school do exactly the same thing they go out for meals and days out but they don't invite me.

They're not friends then are they? They are mums who you know from school. Not the same.

Yes they’re horrible. I would feel so left out. I think ditch them, you don’t need friends like that

Had a really similar situation. There was chat about a group of us going camping with kids and DHs very very locally. Everyone was up for it. Then I think I didn't cross paths with the others at a crucial time and I'm not on whatsapp so I got forgotten about. There was no malice in it, no I like them more than you, just busy mums sorting something out with a million other things to do. I still get on with all of them. It did sting a little at the time, but in their minds, I'd decided not to go rather than missed out.

100% call them out. If you’re a quieter person they may not expect you to but they need to know their behaviour was shitty. There’s no excuse to leave one person out especially if it had been spoken about in front of you originally. It’s really rude and hurtful.

I would also say to think about any reasons they may not have asked you…do your children all get on? Do all the partners mix well? My dh isn’t keen on all the dads of my dc’s friends and may not want to holiday with them but we’d never do a little camp trip leaving just one family out. I’d feel dreadful about it!

I am guessing that the first mention of camping was before the school summer holidays.
How much contact did you have with any of these Mums during the holidays?
It is possible that the other 3 see each other and meet up naturally during the holidays?
Do the other 3 have other connections in common, that you don’t have, such as exercise classes together, living near each other, husbands are friends, work connections?
Have they being camping before as a group?
If any of this is the case, I would not view yourself as being excluded.
I would put it down to just the nature of the friendship amongst the others.
Maybe one or two of them could have reached out and made sure to include you, but that is a surprisingly absent skill in lots of people.

Sorry to hear about this. I don’t think it makes a difference whether you are 8 or 38, these things still hurt your feelings & knock your confidence. I have been left out of various ‘mum’ events over the years and not ever really known why. I think it’s more common than you think - women in groups behaving like playground bullies really and being mean!

I understand your hurt. I was in this exact situation. To give context I moved to a new town when my daughter was 1. I really struggled to make friends here and had 3 very lonely years before she started school. Then I made friends with a group of mums. They're a such a lovely bunch - like minded people, and we all seemed to get on brilliantly. We went out for meals, cinema etc. As I'd been so lonely before, it meant the world to me to have some close friends at last. We talked of a camping trip in the summer hols then I found out they'd gone without me! You said you can't think of a reason except that they don't like you. I don't think that's true. In my own experience I never felt they didn't like me but just that they'd grown closer with each other. I ended up being a spare part. What I did was just continue to be pleasant and polite to them. I didn't want to confront them. What's the point - it's awkward for everyone. I felt I was too old for any playground dramas. So I rose above it, stayed friendly but slightly distant and let them get on with it. It's now a few years later and I've made other friends. I'm so glad I just let it go and moved on. I have to see the every school day and it would have been difficult if we'd fallen out! We still get on and have nice chats but I wouldn't say we're friends as such. Hope you can move on too and focus on friends who really value you.

I'm really sorry they did this to you, what a horrid thing to do. You must be feeling very hurt.
Sorry to say that I totally disagree with the comments saying it must have been an oversight or accident... these things take planning, and I'm sure they had a WhatsApp group and plenty of time to realise you were not involved.

I would be tempted to confront them and flag out ask them the who what when, but I'd then walk away and not look back at anyone that made me feel like that.

I'll go camping with you!! 💖

I never encountered bitchy exclusion until I reached the school gates. My school friends were reliable and we stayed close from primary through secondary, and worked through our fallings out. When we made new friends, our old friends got invited and the circle widened.

At the school gates I experienced and witnessed this sort of thing all the time. It staggered me. I ended up dropping out of all school-based socialising. Of the friends I've made in our village only one is from school and she's the least reliable. The rest are through shared interests and are lovely.

I really wouldn't ask them about it. I'd just stay breezily 'friendly' but at a very superficial level 100% for the sake of DC's friendships. But seek proper friendships outside of school. Build a good social life from common interests. And remember, going on holiday with school mums and their children is usually sheer hell. The queen bee cliques who did this at our school all had very rocky marriages that ended in divorce and I've since wondered if they holidayed together because they couldn't stand the idea of their DP being the only other adult to socialise with.

I’d just outright ask where my invite was. What a shitty thing to do 😡

he queen bee cliques who did this at our school all had very rocky marriages that ended in divorce and I've since wondered if they holidayed together because they couldn't stand the idea of their DP being the only other adult to socialise with

I have seen this too at our school, as a result well over half of our year are divorced, and it is heading for three quarters. The same holiday cliques seem to spell disaster for marriages on the whole. I could never work out if they hated being together, and would seek others to holiday with, or the holidays themselves instilled some kind dissatisfaction. Maybe the other families are happier/more fun/more attractive/better parents/more wealthy etc etc for some reason it was often a precursor to a divorce. We now have a divorced mean girls clique and trust me you don't know bitterness and rivalry until you have been out with them!