To be upset Mum friends from school have done this?

[Yup83]

There is a group of four of us that often go for coffee after school drop off. Last term one of them suggested we all go camping sometime, which I thought was a really nice idea.

Whilst talking with one of them the other day I found out that the three of them and their families are all going camping, but I wasn't invited.

I feel pretty hurt as I thought we were all good friends, and also especially as I was originally invited when it was first mentioned.

I'm not really sure what to do about it, with school starting back I'm bound to see them all again and it's been playing on my mind. I don't really know if I should say something, sack them off and put my energy towards other friends who don't exclude me or try to make more effort with them.

I also feel pretty stupid that at the ripe old age of 38 I'm being "left out", feels pretty childish.

A PP said that school mums are no different to other women. I disagree

eh there have been millions of threads similar to the ops over the years where a group of women excluded x person and the vast majority of times it wasn't school mums where the women met. It's just typical clique behaviour you get everywhere.

No there is never any bitchiness in offices 🙄😁. Every office I’ve ever worked in is a hotbed! Happy to be self employed!

@Ticksallboxes, I had exactly the same experience.

Formed an original group of three with two other women. It was clear one of them didn't really like me and wanted the other friend to herself. She went out of her way to organise secret lunches and a holiday just their two families, even though my child was a better friend with the other woman's child.

Group got bigger and it got worse. She recruited another alpha woman who went out of her way to exclude me, even to the point of handing out christmas cards to everyone standing in the playground except me. I was included in some stuff, excluded in others. No rhyme or reason. It was totally bizarre, very childish and actually very upsetting to me at the time. I think the two dominant women got off on bullying. I wasn't the only victim in the group.

I ended up walking away. Last I heard was the remaining group imploded and now don't speak to each other! Queen b*h contacted me a couple of years ago wanting to meet up. I declined.

Any time there is a discussion regards schoolgate cliques & nastiness Always there are a few who vehemently and vigorously deny there’s any nastiness or drama at schoolgates. They will recall with moist eyes and emotion about their close, enduring and sensitive friendships with these kind,gracious women from school to such an extent that you think oh really…

They will not entertain any suggestion of nastiness or cliques at school amongst the school gate mafia
Any direct recollection or example will be ignored or dismissed with a oh you get that everywhere…any setting. Office for example well, we are not talking about everywhere or the office we are taking about schoolgate.

Look at how embedded & represented schoolgate cliques are in social culture because it is an enduring and common experience
Motherhood
Kathryn Ryan stand up and duchess

I’m sure some don’t experience school in such a way, they are the minority

Any time there is a discussion regards schoolgate cliques & nastiness Always there are a few who vehemently and vigorously deny there’s any nastiness or drama at schoolgates

Nobody is denying it, I am sure it exists. People are just pointing out that such behaviour can and does happen everywhere to correct those who say 'they are not friends anyway because they are only other school mums'.
And I say that as a person with no kids.

Look at how embedded & represented schoolgate cliques are in social culture because it is an enduring and common experience I agree it is common

I think the primary school set up is a prime opportunity for those who don't play very well with others to expose their neuroses. It's a kind of captive audience for group dynamics and sucks in your children's/partner's life as well.

My nemesis kept banging on about the importance of getting your friendships set during the primary school years because it's harder when your kids go to senior school and these will be your 'friends for life'. She was very insecure about being left out and had left another group for that reason.

Didn't stop her reeking havoc on those of us in the next group. She ended up moving away and as far as I am aware is not in contact with anyone.

Could have happened in any setting but the school mum's thing eats into your personal and family space in a way that office settings don't have to.

I found that men will let it go women keep the grudge going. Im so glad my kids older none of this school click crap!! I learnt just say hello and pass on. But op yes its not nice behaviour.

Could have happened in any setting but the school mum's thing eats into your personal and family space in a way that office settings don't have to.

^I think this hits the nail on the head. Friendships with other school mums can impact on your DCs’ friendships in the class, which is a shame.

It makes me glad that I was never part of one of the cliques that I saw in the playground at pick-up time. It was lonely at the time, obviously, but I did make one very good friend, who is the mum of DD2’s best friend. That’s enough for me, along with my other friendships, through church and work, and going back to my days as a student.

I’m sorry you’ve had this happen, OP, it really sucks to be left out, but there will be other mums that could be good friends.

Schoolgate politics permeate the personal life of the adult and child. Employment doesn’t impact in the same way

An office may be a hotbed of malaise it won’t impact upon your children in the same way

Our school gate clique naturally had a leader and it all progressed at a breakneck pace. Too much emotional intimacy,over sharing, all adults glued together. They initially only met during the day, and then rotated locations. Largely to get a neb at each other houses. They excluded people and formed a group . From that group Over the years they fell out spectacularly had real life and online and WhatsApp spats. Members suddenly upped and left. New folk arrived

Meanwhile the other parents just carried on
Working parents are usually always on the periphery anyway by fact they’re not available or immersed in schoolgate nonsense

You seem to know an awful lot about it for someone not involved!

Met some of my dearest friends at the school gate. Still lovely friends now kids all late secondary and they are definitely not still friends in most cases! We will be hanging out when kids are long gone. It’s not all doom and gloom! We all work.

It really hurts to be excluded but I think the Sheepish friend did you a favour and at least had the guts to tell you, which the others didn't.

I think if your children are all going to be in the same class for several years that its important to keep things civil, cool and neutral so that it doesn't impact on your DC.
You don't want to store up problems for the future, with a big fall out, but I would very much quietly disengage as you don't want to be treated like this ever again. And I'd also be trying to form new friendships and I wouldn't be dragged into doing favours for any of this group in future.

its not surprising that you were thrown by the information and didn't respond immediately but I think it would be quite in order to quietly ask Sheeepish in a calm non emotional way, if she knew why you were initially invited and then later on left out. At least you'd hear some kind of reason. If she says she doesn't know, ask her what she thinks of that and whether she'd be hurt if they did that to them. And then move on.

In a way, its a consolation that you didn't have to go on this trip and suffer from the cooling off vibes from them for a whole trip.

A few weeks into term, it will be full on school rush and this will all be in the past and you can look forward to making better connections.

Of course I know. By the gift of
Being parent at the school
Being in the email and WhatsApp group
Being told by the other parents & participants
Is that a detailed enough explanation for you @MsTSwift

You see the school gate mafia were not circumspect or discreet about their drama and yes we all knew

School gate friendships are based mainly on convenience. I'm also convinced that most parents subconsciously revert back to being kids themselves when they stand outside the school and no one wants to be the lonely kid in the playground.

It's good to have a support network of people who know your child, know the teachers, can share information about school trips, assemblies etc. It's very useful to have that in place. But where it all starts to go wrong is when parents get competitive about their children, hurt feelings and anger come into play when children fall out and everyone takes everything so personally. Really you should treat the other school mums as colleagues not close, emotionally involved friends.

The true test of whether it's a real friendship comes once the children move onto different schools and you're not meeting for a chat twice a day. If you still like each other enough to meet up when you don't have to - that's a friend.

Really you should treat the other school mums as colleagues not close, emotionally involved friends

I was waiting for this mn cliché despite the fact that many posters on these threads have said they made life long true and close friends at the school gates or at work so it's bollox.

@MsTSwift

You seem to know an awful lot about it for someone not involved!

Met some of my dearest friends at the school gate. Still lovely friends now kids all late secondary and they are definitely not still friends in most cases! We will be hanging out when kids are long gone. It’s not all doom and gloom! We all work.

Agree with this.

As with the relationships board on here - a glance at that, and you’d think all men are dysfunctional, abusive, selfish men-children. Because all you hear about on here are the horror stories and misery-based unhappiness.

No-one comes on to talk about their good, loving, mutually satisfying relationship.

Likewise, there are plenty of cases of women having made enjoyable, fun, mutually satisfying, long-term friendships with women they’ve met at the school gate or through their kids.

These threads are always littered with ‘this is exactly why I never wanted to make friends with school Mums’, but you never see women writing off men entirely, based on far worse behaviour in the relationships threads.

We all work, too.

Did you read how I know a lot about the goings on Lime? Because they weren’t discreet it was all publicly enacted

The majority experience is that schoolgate politics are full of dramas don’t unnecessarily fraught. Yes ,as I previously acknowledged there are who vehemently protest they met the loveliest most kind dear friends at school. That’s super as it’s very much the minority.

Finally no I don’t think mn is representative of real life it’s only representative of those who post . The posts are Entertaining but not A manual to live life by

Motherland plot?

Crikey - you don't half post some factually incorrect, sweeping generalisations on MN Espresso

I would ask the sheepish friend what’s going on. I can’t think why you’d have been left out and I would definitely be upset

But I have made a nice group of friends. What’s the issue there? And there may well be playground politics but I’m not aware of them.

All I ever read is about cliques and advice not to get involved with parents at school, which couldn’t be further away from my experience, so far.

But I have made a nice group of friends

Do you want a gold star?
Op is talking about her not so nice friends, I am not sure how helpful it is to her to know you have nice friends and have never experienced anything other than pure pleasure therabbitstolemyhat

FFS it was in response to some of the above comments. Bore off.

My observation & experience is my first hand account and experience as is yours ma. You can of course chose to dismiss or discount any post. As of course my posts, and your posts are anecdotal and skewed to our own preferences and experience

By all means dismiss my posts as I too will disregard yours

Are you absolutely sure you are a 'nice' group *Therabbitstolemyhat? Your insistence that you have never ever been aware of even the merest hint of unkindness and everyone is beautiful sounds rather hollow and insincere.
Then we get your update and actually you don't sound very 'nice' on here at all. True colours. I wonder if the other parents at your school agree with your assessment, or maybe this thread has touched a raw nerve o