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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset Mum friends from school have done this?

461 replies

Yup83 · 30/08/2021 14:49

There is a group of four of us that often go for coffee after school drop off. Last term one of them suggested we all go camping sometime, which I thought was a really nice idea.

Whilst talking with one of them the other day I found out that the three of them and their families are all going camping, but I wasn't invited.

I feel pretty hurt as I thought we were all good friends, and also especially as I was originally invited when it was first mentioned.

I'm not really sure what to do about it, with school starting back I'm bound to see them all again and it's been playing on my mind. I don't really know if I should say something, sack them off and put my energy towards other friends who don't exclude me or try to make more effort with them.

I also feel pretty stupid that at the ripe old age of 38 I'm being "left out", feels pretty childish.

OP posts:
TORNFLAKES · 31/08/2021 08:24

@Lotusmonster

Hang around with people that make you happy…..this bunch don’t, so don’t….simple.
This is too simplistic falling out of favour with school mums has a direct impact on primary school children's opportunities for socialising.

Most mums arrange playdates more readily with mums who they like, know and trust. Believe me, I know. The dominant mums in DC1's year formed a coven. They excluded dc1 and me although we are really quite nice and normal. DC1 has not had the opportunity to have any friendships out of school but plays with lots of kids in school, it's the mums who froze dc out not the children. Different ballgame with dc2, nice year, nice mums, lots of playdates for dc2. Apart from one super competitive and miserable one who is trying to shut us out but not quite succeeding with her ridiculous nonsense as the other mums are lovely.

DC1's primary years were definitely character building for me, I have never in my life felt so badly treated by a bunch of women who had decided they didn't like me or our family. The worst part is that I don't mind not being included for my own sake, I can handle it, but it was heartbreaking to see how it has affected dc1's confidence and ability to make friends.

Spiteful and damaging behaviour. Sorry OP.

Mary46 · 31/08/2021 08:25

Op its so hurtful. I remember my sister booking flights hoping I couldnt go. 3 us. It showed me a really nasty side to women. I was hurt for ages. Other one went along with it. Op you dont need those type of friends.

Suetully · 31/08/2021 09:14

It showed me a really nasty side to women. I was hurt for ages. Other one went along with it

I have seen several groups of men do this to another man, it's a very universal concept.

LynetteScavo · 31/08/2021 09:22

There could be so many reasons they went without you, from they simply forgot to include you, to not liking your DH / DC.

Of course you're hurt. Personally I wouldn't should I was hurt, I'd be just as friendly when school started back, but honestly I would probably drift away from them. If you're brave enough come straight out and ask one of them (the most honest) why they didn't mention the trip to you. I'm not sure I'd be brave enough to to do that though.

Hdhdjejdj · 31/08/2021 09:24

There mat be many reasons why they excluded you but the most likely is that they are twats who make themselves feel more important by leaving you out.

Benjispruce5 · 31/08/2021 09:24

If they didn’t want to include her then why did they float the idea to her?

TheRabbitStoleMyHat · 31/08/2021 09:27

@Benjispruce5

If they didn’t want to include her then why did they float the idea to her?
Exactly. I think a lot of people are missing this part.
SugarCaneHarvest · 31/08/2021 09:32

I don't get why people would leave out single parents??

I am married but don't have kids. I have single friends who get invited the same way any couples would. If it was around a holiday, I would probably ensure the single friends were invited as it can be a lonelier time. I can't for the life of me think why single parents are excluded? Is this something that happens more when people have kids or something?

Benjispruce5 · 31/08/2021 09:38

@SugarCaneHarvest probably some very insecure wives!

Suetully · 31/08/2021 09:40

Exactly. I think a lot of people are missing this part

they aren't. The op said they brought it up infront of her and she naturally assumed if it was planned she'd be invited but they went and planned it without her knowing and are going ahead with it without her being invited. That's the part of the story that is the whole point of the thread.

idontknowwhyiamasking · 31/08/2021 09:43

You said ”their families” but didn”t mention if you had a partner.
Sometimes couples exclude single people (women).

YANBU

Benjispruce5 · 31/08/2021 09:44

Yes so why did they do that? If they didn’t want her to go , why did they float the idea with her?

TheRabbitStoleMyHat · 31/08/2021 09:48

Last term one of them suggested we all go camping sometime, which I thought was a really nice idea.

The OP says this in the first lines of her post. Why would this happen if they didn’t want her to go? Because that’s a bit shit.

123fushia · 31/08/2021 09:53

Sorry that you feel like this - it’s not nice. However, time to turn the feeling round by realising how LUCKY you are to have escaped what would have been really hard work. Going away with adults that don’t know each other very much 🥺.......you only have to read some of the horror posts on MN to know that they can be torture!
Not all nature walks and sausages and singing around the campfire. A recipe for disaster and one that you luckily avoided!

Suetully · 31/08/2021 09:53

The OP says this in the first lines of her post. Why would this happen if they didn’t want her to go? Because that’s a bit shit

that's the whole point and what makes their behaviour all the more shocking and something must have happened after they said it, either 1 of them took a dislike to op or else 1 of them who made the plan was told by the other 2 they didn't want the op to come.

The fact that the op wasn't invited speaks volumes, people who say 'there might have been a miscommunication/they probably forgot etc' are clutching at straws. You don't forget to invite people, it's usually deliberate-let's be real.

Cakeandslippers · 31/08/2021 10:19

Just wanted to send a hug. Something very similar happened to me once, many years ago (pre kids). It does still upset me to think about it but I remained friends with a couple of those involved and over the years it's mostly forgotten. It's a horrible feeling and I hope you're ok xxx

Ticksallboxes · 31/08/2021 10:27

A PP said that school mums are no different to other women. I disagree!!

My DCs are now at secondary and 6th form college but I got a nasty shock when they started primary.

Until then I'd built up a nice group of friends and expected most people I met there to be similar. But I came across so many bitchy, gossipy women - one of the worst things was that many of them tended to bitch about other mums for a laugh. Also the level of intimate detail I got about the personal lives of women I hardly knew was astonishing. Most of these women were the more affluent, competitive ones too.

I've kept only a handful of friends that I met there

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 31/08/2021 10:28

Literally just had this myself op....one of the kids who dd goes to school with came for a sleepover last week and said there had a been a beach trip with a load of kids from her class last month - apparently they had hired a mini bus and had a right jolly day out.
Have decided these people can do one and am on countdown til she leaves primary school.

Ponoka7 · 31/08/2021 10:35

Mixing with people is very different to going on holiday. I'd sit back and wait, they might come home hating each other.
There's someone who we mix with, but wouldn't spend extended periods with because she is so controling and regimented. She also doesn't drink. It's just hard work being around her for more than a few hours. Sometimes there are valid reason for everyone not getting an invite.

SugarCaneHarvest · 31/08/2021 10:42

Ironically I think the less you care about this stuff the less it happens.

In my 20s and 30s I would struggle with feeling 'left out' if there was an event or a party that I wasn't invited and couldn't understand why.

For some reason in my late 30s this changed, I sort of turned more inward and actively wanted to go out less and do less socially. So I stopped worrying when I wasn't invited to stuff and honestly quite relieved when I wasn't. I started turning more invites down, not because I couldn't make it but because I wanted to do less. I actually found at this stage I weirdly started to get invited to more and more stuff.

Seems that the less you care about being left out the less you are left out. I know that is probably not very helpful.

Suetully · 31/08/2021 10:46

There's someone who we mix with, but wouldn't spend extended periods with because she is so controling and regimented. She also doesn't drink. It's just hard work being around her for more than a few hours. Sometimes there are valid reason for everyone not getting an invite

and that's exactly what the op is thinking, that there's something wrong with her but she won't be told so it really doesn't help her case.

I don't see what the problem with somebody not drinking though, I rarely drink when I go to bars with friends.

newshark · 31/08/2021 10:51

@Suetully

wasn't sure what was going on, and reading this it seems they have brought the English way with them. We have had a lovely long summer holiday and my dc are now dreading going back to school for the first time because of the constant rude comments and awkward ignoring from the English

not English by any means and I say that as somebody who didn't grow up in Britain and didn't come here until my late 20s. Sounds like typical behaviour you get in all cultures and societies.

@suetully you are right, of course, that this mindset will apply to all cultures and societies. I think that where we are, there are cultural differences as locals are more polite on the face of it, and subtle, than the English, there is a cultural difference. But the main thing, thinking about it, is that much of the local infighting and bitching goes over my head in that it is easier to ignore, and they probably feel the same way, much of the English competitiveness and rudeness is going over the locals' heads!

Basically, going back to the thread, the posts about people not fitting in for okay reasons are true, but at the same time, there are ways of dealing with things without making the person being left out feel terrible, and it does seem with some of these cliques, they are not at all concerned about hurting feelings. There are a lot of people I would not want to go camping with, but I would not be rude about it or try to make out it was because of some kind of personality fault in the other child or parent, which I think sometimes happens.

Op I hope that this thread has reassured you that your experience is actually quite common!

Teamfemale · 31/08/2021 10:51

@Ticksallboxes

A PP said that school mums are no different to other women. I disagree!!

My DCs are now at secondary and 6th form college but I got a nasty shock when they started primary.

Until then I'd built up a nice group of friends and expected most people I met there to be similar. But I came across so many bitchy, gossipy women - one of the worst things was that many of them tended to bitch about other mums for a laugh. Also the level of intimate detail I got about the personal lives of women I hardly knew was astonishing. Most of these women were the more affluent, competitive ones too.

I've kept only a handful of friends that I met there

This!
newshark · 31/08/2021 10:56

There's someone who we mix with, but wouldn't spend extended periods with because she is so controling and regimented. She also doesn't drink. It's just hard work being around her for more than a few hours. Sometimes there are valid reason for everyone not getting an invite

This sounds vaguely reasonable at first but the fact that you say "we ..." throughtout not "I .." makes it sounds more cliquey and queen-bee- driven-ish.

newshark · 31/08/2021 10:57

@Ticksallboxes

A PP said that school mums are no different to other women. I disagree!!

My DCs are now at secondary and 6th form college but I got a nasty shock when they started primary.

Until then I'd built up a nice group of friends and expected most people I met there to be similar. But I came across so many bitchy, gossipy women - one of the worst things was that many of them tended to bitch about other mums for a laugh. Also the level of intimate detail I got about the personal lives of women I hardly knew was astonishing. Most of these women were the more affluent, competitive ones too.

I've kept only a handful of friends that I met there

This is very reassuring!