Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to get married to a 37 year old man when I just turned 22?

437 replies

ConeyIsland23 · 30/08/2021 12:28

I am 22 and my boyfriend is 37. He proposed. We are deeply in love. But I am unsure about the long term complications of our age gap after speaking to my parents. Could someone with a similar age gap tell me about the pros and cons? Are we doomed? Do you regret the age gap? Also we will be trying for kids once we are married.

OP posts:
CounsellorTroi · 31/08/2021 15:55

I think it tends to become more of a problem when you're older i.e. you're 45 and he's 60, or 55 and 70 and suddenly you're married to an old man with health issues when you're still working and in your mid-life prime.

My DH is 71 (I’m 60) and has no health issues, still works and I don’t really think of him as an old man.

MyPatronusIsACat · 31/08/2021 16:42

@CounsellorTroi

I think it tends to become more of a problem when you're older i.e. you're 45 and he's 60, or 55 and 70 and suddenly you're married to an old man with health issues when you're still working and in your mid-life prime.

My DH is 71 (I’m 60) and has no health issues, still works and I don’t really think of him as an old man.

How come your DH is still working at 71? Confused
LittleMG · 31/08/2021 16:47

Nothing to do with the age gap but kids at 22? He’s had time to do all the cool stuff in life you can do before kids and you won’t be able to. Some people say oh I’ll do it when my kids are older but IMO you are a different person. Enjoy being young you don’t need to marry and have kids. Don’t get too heavy.

CounsellorTroi · 31/08/2021 16:51

How come your DH is still working at 71? confused

He doesn’t work full time. He’s a university academic and still does some freelance teaching, writing papers/textbooks and consultancy.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 31/08/2021 16:51

@MyPatronusIsACat

What a strange question. Presumably either he wants to still work or needs to still work!

CounsellorTroi · 31/08/2021 16:56

He doesn’t need to, he wants to.

MyPatronusIsACat · 31/08/2021 17:27

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@MyPatronusIsACat

What a strange question. Presumably either he wants to still work or needs to still work! [/quote]
Not a strange question at all. I don't know a single soul who is still working at 71. Many people in my social circle have retired at 55, a few at 58 and 60, but some by 55. Even the 'academic' and high-end professionals. Indeed, they are more likely to have retired at a younger age.

Very unusual (IMO) to still be working at 71! Myself and my DH are 100% retiring at 60. Working til 71? Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Shock

PallasStrand · 31/08/2021 17:57

In my experience, the more highly-esteemed someone’s research and expertise is, the more likely they are to work long beyond state retirement age. I know a lot of academics doing really good work well into their 70s.

TatianaBis · 31/08/2021 18:07

My parents worked part time well into their 70s. It depends on the kind of work really - some professions can go on. It keeps the brain ticking over. I think they would have got bored otherwise.

Many of their friends who retired from their career, either did further study or retrained for part time work in a new field to keep them interested.

LalalalalalaLand123 · 31/08/2021 18:10

Why do you want to rush into having children? At your age you have A LOT of time to have children, I don't understand the rush. Is it because of his age? That's not a great reason for you. Can't you wait a few years?

Squidlydoo · 31/08/2021 18:58

When i was 23, I was very serious about a man who was 15 years older than me. At the time it felt like no age difference and I actually preferred him to any man in their 20s

The relationship didn’t work out and we split after a few years.

I am now 40 and think that if we were still together he would be 55!!! As I have been married to a man who is one year younger than me for nearly 10 years - I can’t now imagine being with a 55 year old. My whole life would be different!

Obviously age difference isn’t necessarily a problem but the person you are at 22 is not really the person you will be at 30 or 40.

I wouldn’t rush into marriage if I were you!

CecilyP · 31/08/2021 19:08

I would agree not to rush into it. That’s what engagements are for and I recommend a long one.

Having said that I do know a very happy couple with a 20 year age gap who’ve been together over 20 years now. Met when she was a mature 25 and he a youthful 45. At 65, he is not old and decrepit! The age gap is not particularly noticeable. However, their relationship development gradually and they did not rush into anything.

honeybuns007 · 31/08/2021 19:10

@IcedPurple
Yes, Charlene and Albert of Monaco seem to be enjoying a very healthy and happy relaionship.

Like I said....'on the whole''

EspressoDoubleShot · 31/08/2021 19:32

I’d go on a work night out, observe what’s he like to women his own age And How do they react to him?
Are you the first very young woman he’s dated?have there been other young girlfriends

EspressoDoubleShot · 31/08/2021 19:41

Charlene Monaco who cried and looked miserable at her own wedding
Charlene who’s husband the prince has had paternity claim during their relationship
Yes. Charlene looks sooooo happy

IcedPurple · 31/08/2021 19:46

[quote honeybuns007]@IcedPurple
Yes, Charlene and Albert of Monaco seem to be enjoying a very healthy and happy relaionship.

Like I said....'on the whole''[/quote]
How does any of us really have a clue what's going on in these 'celebrity' marriages?

In any case, the world they inhabit is so far removed from everyday life that's it might as well be another planet.

EspressoDoubleShot · 31/08/2021 19:50

Yes I agree it is a completely whole other strange world, the pampered world of aristocratic rich

IcedPurple · 31/08/2021 19:50

@EspressoDoubleShot

Yes I agree it is a completely whole other strange world, the pampered world of aristocratic rich
I suspect a lot of these 'relationships' are mostly for PR purposes.
EspressoDoubleShot · 31/08/2021 19:52

Probably. Such a feted and claustrophobic existence
I imagine they all are vicariously linked and know each other

annacondom · 31/08/2021 19:54

I want to question why the OP wants to get married and have kids now, rather than wait. In my own case I had no life experience, hadn't travelled or been to university, and couldn't think beyond what was put in front of me - marriage and starting a family. If I'd had other options presented to me (e.g gap year volunteering) I probably wouldn't have got married so young, but it got me away from my parents and made me feel loved (for a very short time before I met someone else! Long story.) OP - talk to your bf in depth about how he sees the future panning out, but please also find someone you trust who you can talk to about your life options. Someone with a bit of life experience. An auntie? Friend's mum?

annacondom · 31/08/2021 19:55

Failing that, listen to all these MNers telling you to wait!

EspressoDoubleShot · 31/08/2021 19:56

I wholeheartedly agree with @annacondom post
I’d expect him to wait til you’ve had some experiences, lived a bit. Not just get you knocked up and a housewife in a few short years

entropynow · 31/08/2021 20:12

[quote Porcupineintherough]@toconclude come back in another 20 years and tell me again.[/quote]
Did you miss the 36 years?

Original poster
ConeyIsland23 · 31/08/2021 22:56

@LalalalalalaLand123

Why do you want to rush into having children? At your age you have A LOT of time to have children, I don't understand the rush. Is it because of his age? That's not a great reason for you. Can't you wait a few years?
I have a good career (although I am only one year in) but I have achieved a lot. I have travelled and gone out quite a bit and feel ready for the next stage. I don’t feel like 22 is young. His age definitely does play a part. We do want a few kids so we want to start trying as soon as we can and not leave it too late. We are both doing well and at the peak of our relationship. So why delay things?
OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 31/08/2021 23:12

How long have you been together? Just roughly? That isn't outing and is relevant.