Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aibu to get married to a 37 year old man when I just turned 22?

437 replies

ConeyIsland23 · 30/08/2021 12:28

I am 22 and my boyfriend is 37. He proposed. We are deeply in love. But I am unsure about the long term complications of our age gap after speaking to my parents. Could someone with a similar age gap tell me about the pros and cons? Are we doomed? Do you regret the age gap? Also we will be trying for kids once we are married.

OP posts:
Nomorefuckstogive · 31/08/2021 08:12

Again, OP, it isn’t the age gap that’s a concern, it’s the fact that you are still so young. Why not just wait to establish yourself in your career? Then you’ll have more security and independence to enable you to plan for the future. Surely he would respect the fact that you’d prefer to focus on your career for a few years first?

Hugoslavia · 31/08/2021 08:38

You're too young to be getting married and starting a family, but particularly so when he has the power in terms of finances/career/age/life experiences etc. And he will use this power. You will then be shackled without a career and a baby. Unless you can afford a baby on your own, don't do it. Wait until you are established in a job/career/have savings etc. Wait at least 5 years.

Englishgirl9 · 31/08/2021 08:39

I think it tends to become more of a problem when you're older i.e. you're 45 and he's 60, or 55 and 70 and suddenly you're married to an old man with health issues when you're still working and in your mid-life prime. You may have different interests and abilities at that stage in life. Also there are higher frequencies of DV and abuse where older men are in relationships with young women.

lottiegarbanzo · 31/08/2021 08:42

Thinking about what would have happened if I'd married the person I was with at 22 gives me a bit of a jolt!

I was very much in love, had all the baseless, shapeless, endlessly malleable optimism of youth and would definitely have married him (albeit in due course). I wouldn't even have minded if DC had arrived quickly (though it wouldn't have been the plan). The optimism, the energy, the sense that things would work themselves out for the best because of optimism, energy and love, would have carried me through. We'd have been good for each other, made each other better people, more grounded, happy, successful. For a while.

There is no way that I would still be married to that man. It is unlikely I'd still have been married to him at 30. He would have got restless, resented the drudge work that comes with small children, put his career before mine always, much as he'd have supported, encouraged and taken an interest in mine, prioritised himself and his sex drive, had affairs, left. He married later in his 20s (we were fairly close in age). They lasted only a few years.

I was besotted, we were in love, he was the one, the one that got away. But by god, I had a lucky escape. He was a fundamentally, deeply selfish man.

onlychildhamster · 31/08/2021 09:24

@Hugoslavia I married at 22 but l still have no kids at 28, even though we have savings, jobs and own our London apartment. Of course the difference is that my DH is 2 years older so we are in no rush. Would probably have a child in our mid to late 30s and then stop at one due to age.

We are an international couple so marriage was pretty essential to being together. But to me, cohabitation is something you do when you aren't sure about the person and if I wasn't sure, I would just break up rather than waste time?

Mulletsaremisunderstood · 31/08/2021 09:30

OP is not coming back, probably busy writing up her story.

lottiegarbanzo · 31/08/2021 10:03

Yes, I fear you're right. 'Bitter old ladies of MN' I wonder? Or 'wise counsel for estrogen-saturated youth'?

lottiegarbanzo · 31/08/2021 10:33

'Could living life through estrogen goggles lead to life with an old fart?'

You can have that OP Wink

ConeyIsland23 · 31/08/2021 10:37

@Mulletsaremisunderstood

OP is not coming back, probably busy writing up her story.
No. I am not a journalist. I just don’t want to give too much information out - in case it outs both/either of us. Thanks for those who replied. I will go with my gut feeling Smile
OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 31/08/2021 10:47

@lottiegarbanzo

Yes, I fear you're right. 'Bitter old ladies of MN' I wonder? Or 'wise counsel for estrogen-saturated youth'?
I am older than DH, not by much but enough. When I met him he was 22. He wanted to marry me almost straight away. I said no initially because of his age and because he hadn't done lots of stuff I had. In the end we were engaged for 5 years and his parents had become exasperated at us not setting a date (and then complained that we got married in the 'wrong' order because he married before his older brother - I'm older than his brother).

We had a great few years and did a lot of the things DH needed to do. And didn't have DS until we'd been together for 10 years.

'Youthful bucket list stuff' is absoluetely a conversation you should be having. If he feels he is past that stage and expects you to miss it, then I very much do think that says a lot about the relationship as a whole.

GreyhoundG1rl · 31/08/2021 10:50

What on earth did you mean, howtodealwithit?
I don't get it either.

howtodealwithit · 31/08/2021 12:14

@GreyhoundG1rl

What on earth did you mean, howtodealwithit? I don't get it either.
I just meant they got together when my cousin was in her late teens, still together 5/6 years later and now married, so not necessarily a bad thing to have an age gap? I don't really understand why the other poster highlighted the "this"? I didn't mean anything by it, just that they are still together.. Confused
MyPatronusIsACat · 31/08/2021 12:25

@Cirin

It's fine for now.

The issues come in a few years. When you're 32 and he's 47, and he sighs and rolls his eyes at everything you do being 'immature'. When you're 35 but he's 50, and all he wants to talk about is retirement. Can't go on holiday, think of retirement. Can't take a day trip. Can't go to dinner. Got to save. Be responsible. Stop being so short sighted and immature.

It's a problem because he'll have done things, travelled, lived life. He has stories and memories of a life well lived before he settled down. You don't. You've done nothing yet. And don't think for a minute you'll get to do them. He won't go with you again - he'll just tell you none of it's really worth it. You should stay at home, be quiet, put aside silly dreams of travel or adventure or moving home or anything.

It's fine now. It's just not in ten years.

@MakingmeaCake

Is this YOUR experience cirin?! You have known some dull men if that's how you think.

Your post is amazing in the way it's so unlike any 50, 60 or even 70 year olds I know! They are living life to the full.

Many men at 50 are at the peak of their careers and love work.

You also seem incredibly ageist in your opinions of men .

I am sure you know some men who are as your describe makingmeacake - loving life, and living it large at 60 and 70 years old, with the health and spirit of a man half their age, and at the peak of their career at 50, and could run rings around their much younger wife.

However, the scenario that Mirin describes is much more accurate for many men, and how life will be for many women in relationships with men who are virtually a generation older.

As a few posters have said, some age gap relationships work, many will not, and many end up with the younger person being kept back by the older person who just wants to chill and have a quiet life.. (And the younger person will usually be the woman, as men very VERY rarely marry a woman who is virtually a generation older/old enough to be their mother.)

And in addition to wanting a sedentary/quiet life; men often get a bit grumpy and moany as they pass 50. And, as has been said, in some cases, the younger partner (probably the woman,) will end up being a carer for her husband, when she is only in her 50s, or even her 40s.

My DH is in his mid 50s and is just a couple of years older than me. He is grumpy sometimes, and can't be arsed to do much, but then I am pretty much the same. Been there done that, travelled and partied, and had a good eventful life. I was raring to go, and full of life, and wanting new adventures in my 20s and 30s, and right up to my mid 40s... Then I started to get a bit more weary and tired, and preferred to live a more sedentary life too. So we want the same things, and are totally compatible.

I could not have even imagined (when I was in my 30s,) being with a man in his 50s. No way. For soooooo many reasons!

MyPatronusIsACat · 31/08/2021 13:21

@GreyhoundG1rl

What on earth did you mean, howtodealwithit? I don't get it either.

@howtodealwithit

I just meant they got together when my cousin was in her late teens, still together 5/6 years later and now married, so not necessarily a bad thing to have an age gap? I don't really understand why the other poster highlighted the "this"? I didn't mean anything by it, just that they are still together...

I think 'MyPatronusIsACat' misunderstood what I said.

No I didn't 'misunderstand' what you said...

The reason why I highlighted it, is because I thought it bizarre that you say your cousin was 20 when she met her (older) DH and they are STILL TOGETHER at 25 and 40, after 5 years!

You said it as if being together for 5 years was some kind of amazing achievement. In addition, your cousin is still only 25, and her DH is only 40. So he's not even middle aged yet!

5 years is not exactly a glittering example of an age gap relationship lasting a long time is it? Confused

Do you seriously not get why your statement about your cousin is a bit weird? Still together after 5 years... Like wow. Shock

I have had food in my cupboards longer than that!

GreyhoundG1rl · 31/08/2021 13:22

I just meant they got together when my cousin was in her late teens, still together 5/6 years later and now married, so not necessarily a bad thing to have an age gap? I don't really understand why the other poster highlighted the "this"? I didn't mean anything by it, just that they are still together.. Confused
The other poster didn't misunderstand at all. Her point was that 5 years is hardly significant in the great scheme of things, certainly not worthy of a still together after 5 years! fanfare.

GreyhoundG1rl · 31/08/2021 13:23

Oh, x posted Blush

Hankunamatata · 31/08/2021 13:26

I think you need to be realistic. He is a dr. What kind of work load does he have? Do you live together now? Will he have much time for family life or will you be left holding the baby. His work wont change once you get married or have a family.

MyPatronusIsACat · 31/08/2021 13:31

@GreyhoundG1rl

I just meant they got together when my cousin was in her late teens, still together 5/6 years later and now married, so not necessarily a bad thing to have an age gap? I don't really understand why the other poster highlighted the "this"? I didn't mean anything by it, just that they are still together.. Confused The other poster didn't misunderstand at all. Her point was that 5 years is hardly significant in the great scheme of things, certainly not worthy of a still together after 5 years! fanfare.
Exactly this. ^
MyPatronusIsACat · 31/08/2021 13:33

@howtodealwithit Not being funny/horrible, I just don't get how you're pushing a couple being together 5 years as a good example of an age gap relationship. 5 years is naff-all. And, as I said, the older one (the man,) is not even middle aged yet.

MyPatronusIsACat · 31/08/2021 13:34

@howtodealwithit Not being funny/horrible, I just don't get how you're pushing a couple being together 5 years as a good example of an age gap relationship lasting... 5 years is naff-all. And, as I said, the older one (the man,) is not even middle aged yet.

Redlorryellow · 31/08/2021 13:34

My husbands parents plus my dad + stepmum have this age gap and being honest it seems to have caused serious issues. In H’s mother’s case she had a breakdown in her 30s as she felt she’d missed out on her youth- she’s still on a lot of ADs and now lives for the grandchildren she’s only recently had, while H’s dad is well into elderly territory and has wanted to sit around doing his niche hobby for the past 10 years post retirement, he also has age related health issues so they don’t travel or anything. In my dad and stepmoms case she’s now in her mid 40s and never had her own kids, which may not be an issue for your situation; but regardless my dad is a very grumpy and set in his ways old man in 60s who wants to spend most of his time resting and reading the paper, while she is still energetic and seems very lonely and craving attention and excitement. Sorry to be bleak but I think you’d be in different life stages and it’d become very obvious once the romantic shine of the wedding dies down.

howtodealwithit · 31/08/2021 13:36

[quote MyPatronusIsACat]@howtodealwithit Not being funny/horrible, I just don't get how you're pushing a couple being together 5 years as a good example of an age gap relationship lasting... 5 years is naff-all. And, as I said, the older one (the man,) is not even middle aged yet.[/quote]
I'm entitled to my opinion as much as you are, aren't I @MyPatronusIsACat ?

LittleGwyneth · 31/08/2021 14:06

There's nothing wrong with a fifteen year age gap, but you are super young to get married. What's the hurry? My main advice would be not to start having babies at 22, to wait and allow yourself some fun time before you become a parent.

MyPatronusIsACat · 31/08/2021 15:05

@howtodealwithit

I'm entitled to my opinion as much as you are, aren't I @MyPatronusIsACat ?*

I never said you weren't.

I do however, reserve the right to have the opinion that five years is NOT a long relationship. And as the 2 people in question are 25 and 40, (so the older one is not even middle aged yet,) your cousin and her (older) husband, is not a good example of a successful long-term age-gap relationship.

I reiterate; I thought your comments were a bit bizarre. And so did another poster too.

CityMumma78 · 31/08/2021 15:24

I comment based on experience as my experience was 18 years older than me and we were together for 4 years when I was in my early twenties 20 years ago. I would avoid a relationship where there is a significant age gap. At 22 you don’t want to be with someone that has baggage and will just age differently which will just cause issues or compromise!! Find someone younger.

Swipe left for the next trending thread