Aibu to get married to a 37 year old man when I just turned 22?

[ConeyIsland23]

I am 22 and my boyfriend is 37. He proposed. We are deeply in love. But I am unsure about the long term complications of our age gap after speaking to my parents. Could someone with a similar age gap tell me about the pros and cons? Are we doomed? Do you regret the age gap? Also we will be trying for kids once we are married.

@ConeyIsland23 if you are only 1 year into a good career then I'd consider how maternity leave and then having children might affect that. You might want to try and progress your career further before starting your family as it might not be so easy afterwards.

I think 22 is extremely young to be getting married in this day and age, irrespective of what his age is.

Don't you want to see what else life has to offer before settling down?

We do want a few kids so we want to start trying as soon as we can and not leave it too late.

Not leave it too late????

Are you effing kidding me?

Women 20 years older than you regularly have kids.....

Give your head a wobble.

@IceLace100 I married at 22. Lived in 3 different countries, moved to London, have a job, bought a flat. The difference is I did it with my husband. Would probably be similar if he was my boyfriend. But the crucial difference is I still don't have kids and don't plan to until my mid to late 30s even if it means I end up only having one.

If I started now, I could probably have 3 or 4. OP, my mother in law started at 28 (married at 27) and she had 4 children..

[quote onlychildhamster]@IceLace100 I married at 22. Lived in 3 different countries, moved to London, have a job, bought a flat. The difference is I did it with my husband. Would probably be similar if he was my boyfriend. But the crucial difference is I still don't have kids and don't plan to until my mid to late 30s even if it means I end up only having one.

If I started now, I could probably have 3 or 4. OP, my mother in law started at 28 (married at 27) and she had 4 children..[/quote]
Sounds great - glad it worked out for you!

I think I would be wary of a 37 year old man wanting to marry my daughter when she was so young.

I think 22 is really young to get married regardless.

Awww man, he has it all sorted.
You not so much op but you are young and plenty of time to recover from this if it all goes tits up for you.
But please don't give up work. Get a nanny.

22 too young to get married imo, especially to someone 15 years older. Wait til you're 30 and see how you feel then. He'll be 45 which is still relatively young for a man (in terms of having children etc).

Don't forget that the last 18 months or so have been spent in very strange circumstances - definitely not the real world!
Those that worked throughout were often under considerable stress.
Those on furlough may have had doubts over their future.
The effects of Brexit are beginning to hit as well as the chaos of Covid.

You have spent those 18 months in your very early 20s in an abnormal situation. Give it 5 years until life as we know it settles down.

There is 11 years between me and my OH and we are very happy. I don't think 15 years is a big deal.

However, at 22 you are still young and you might change and grow over the next few years and your feelings may change. Early to mid 20's is a time of huge personal growth for many people.

I'd give it 3 or 4 years if I were you - what's the rush?

I have a good career (although I am only one year in) but I have achieved a lot. I have travelled and gone out quite a bit and feel ready for the next stage. I don’t feel like 22 is young. His age definitely does play a part. We do want a few kids so we want to start trying as soon as we can and not leave it too late. We are both doing well and at the peak of our relationship. So why delay things?

Honestly? No 22-year-old feels like 22 is young. But when you are 32 you will look back and realise it is.

Having said that, it is of course your life and up to you what you do. I don't think you should make any decision based on what your parents say (my parents told me to split up with my partner when I was 17 and with a 29 year old... that turned into a very fulfilling 10 year relationship which didn't work in the end but I have no regrets about!)

Men can have children well into their 40's so you still have a few years to play with. I would just wait a couple of years, at least, until you're in your mid 20's. You will grow more than you think you will over the next few years and you don't want to regret this.

* I have a good career (although I am only one year in) but I have achieved a lot.*

*Acheived slot in your 1 year career? Your a dreamer OP. I imagine you’ll probably give up work when the baby comes along right?

What have you achieved in a year?

His age definitely does play a part. We do want a few kids so we want to start trying as soon as we can and not leave it too late. We are both doing well and at the peak of our relationship. So why delay things?

You do know it will never be too late for him! And even if you leave it 10 years, you can still have several kids! What do you mean ‘at the peak of your relationship’? Sounds like it’s early days in your relationship before you really get to know each other.

He’s doing well, whereas you are in the early stages of your career. You have the potential to do well but, if you leave quite soon for several years, you may have to start again from scratch.

If I started now, I could probably have 3 or 4. OP, my mother in law started at 28 (married at 27) and she had 4 children.

I had a friend (and this was years ago when young marriage was more of a thing ) whose mum had married late after a successful career in nursing- think she had achieved the role of matron. She then went on to have 4 children, first at 38, last at 44.

Never have so many words been written for so little in return. I feel OP you are somewhat naive.

So he’s a 37 year old doctor, which means he’s a consultant.

You’re in a similar field, 22, and one year into a career. That means you did a 3 year course at most, so I’m guessing physio, nurse, or another allied health profession. If your relationship is more than a year old that means he as a consultant started a relationship with a student.

I hope this dynamic isn’t affecting the decision making here. I remember a couple of friends getting involved with consultants as students and none of the relationships lasted.

@NotBadConsidering

So he’s a 37 year old doctor, which means he’s a consultant.

You’re in a similar field, 22, and one year into a career. That means you did a 3 year course at most, so I’m guessing physio, nurse, or another allied health profession. If your relationship is more than a year old that means he as a consultant started a relationship with a student.

I hope this dynamic isn’t affecting the decision making here. I remember a couple of friends getting involved with consultants as students and none of the relationships lasted.

What???

Where is your logic in this @NotBadConsidering?

A 37 year old dr can be a junior dr. They do not have to be a consultant. What a weird assumption.

The OP could be anything...you mentioned some options. She could be a nurse, a physio, or a pharmacist.

She may not have met him at work.
Why are you jumping to these ridiculous conclusions?

She's a 22 year old professional.
Stop talking at her as if she is 12.

Logical inference. She says similar field. It’s pretty common for doctors and allied health professionals to get together, due to time spent together. A pharmacist is also a good shout.

If he’s 37 and not yet a consultant there must have been an interruption to his training. I’ve given him the benefit of the doubt. It’s not a weird assumption. It’s unusual for someone to reach 37 and not be at consultant level or GP equivalent.

If she didn’t meet him at work as a student then my concern around that dynamic can be dismissed by the OP. If she did, it should be considered as how it has impacted their relationship.

The biggest regret of my life was marrying young, to an older man. 100%

As long as you're on the same page about what you both want for the future then I don't see an issue with it. I got married in my early 20s to someone in their 30s but we did break up eventually because we didn't agree on whether to have children. I think that's crucial, no matter what age you are.

@NotBadConsidering

Logical inference. She says similar field. It’s pretty common for doctors and allied health professionals to get together, due to time spent together. A pharmacist is also a good shout.

If he’s 37 and not yet a consultant there must have been an interruption to his training. I’ve given him the benefit of the doubt. It’s not a weird assumption. It’s unusual for someone to reach 37 and not be at consultant level or GP equivalent.

If she didn’t meet him at work as a student then my concern around that dynamic can be dismissed by the OP. If she did, it should be considered as how it has impacted their relationship.

You are still implying there is something unsavoury about this.

Of course he doesn't have to be a consultant. Not all drs want to be consultants! There are many drs in hospitals who are snr registrars and that isn't the same as a consultant. And even if he was, so what?

What is worrying you about a student/ older man even if that was the case?

Spell it out please.

It doesn’t matter if he’s still a junior doctor rather than a consultant, but you assuming he still a junior at 37 is much more unlikely than me assuming he’s a consultant at 37. The only thing it implies if he’s still a junior at 37 is an interruption to training or stalling of his progression, which may have legitimacy behind it and not be terrible or may indicate a work issue.

I spelled it out. It’s a specific dynamic. It’s the same in any work environment where the boss starts a relationship with the student/intern. Not only is there an age dynamic but there is also a status dynamic. I’ve seen many a consultant or senior doctor charm young students or staff on wards, and many young students enamoured by older doctors. But when you strip back the prestige of them being the boss, in charge, seemingly all knowing, there still needs to be something else to them to make them worthy of marrying.

So if they met at work with a student/boss type dynamic, as well as the age difference, the OP needs to be sure their relationship is built on something outside of that, otherwise it won’t last. Well it tends not to in the examples I’ve seen. That’s why the advice to wait 5 years or so as she advances her own career is worth considering.

If they didn’t meet at work and just coincidentally happen to work in similar fields, then it doesn’t matter.

It's seems like you are pretty set on cracking on with it OP, it reads a bit like you want the life of a doctor's wife and maybe to be taken care of financially by him, with you staying at home with the babies. Which for many people is not a bad life at all.

I hope it all works out, but don't be surprised if it isn't the fairytale you imagine.

Well, I don't happen to agree with that @NotBadConsidering.

I had a serious relationship with my boss when I was 22 and he was 13 years older. I wasn't charmed by his status. He wasn't a dr but we were both graduates and professionals.

It lasted for 5 years and when we did part it was mutual, and friendly, and we are still in touch now.

He went on to marry someone where there was a similar age gap (albeit some years later when he was even older) and they have been happy for 30 years.

I agree the OP seems in a hurry but it's not the age gap for me that's the issue. It's thinking that at 22 she has to get a move on to have kids.

I am wondering what her parents and friends think?

They know her better than anon keyboard warriors.