Aibu to get married to a 37 year old man when I just turned 22?

[ConeyIsland23]

I am 22 and my boyfriend is 37. He proposed. We are deeply in love. But I am unsure about the long term complications of our age gap after speaking to my parents. Could someone with a similar age gap tell me about the pros and cons? Are we doomed? Do you regret the age gap? Also we will be trying for kids once we are married.

Yes it’s funny how young women and old rich guys maintain a marriage
Like lady Kitty Whatshername she married a dessicated old man the other day…Wonder what she saw in the millionaire?

My main concern with this is I think there can be a sort of in-built inequality with such a large age gap, almost like a sort of teacher/pupil or boss/employee dynamic. Then when the younger partner grows in confidence and maturity and knowledge and experience, it can upset the status quo and not all older partners can cope with relinquishing their superior status.

Gosh this is really well put, and makes me realise this is exactly what’s happened to a friend of mine. They married when she was 24 and he was 38. He always very much ‘took care of her’ and she seems to love that but now 10 years later things are very strained and it’s exactly the dynamic you’re talking about, where she is desperate for some more independence but he just wants to keep chugging along like they always have.

That said, to answer the OP, everyone here probably knows or knows of a couple with a similar age gap who have been married for decades and are blissfully happy. Another friend of mine is in a relationship which probably sounded like a disaster when it first started (her in her early 20s, him 16 years older and, and the time, her boss) but they have been together for 20 years now and have four children and they are absolutely perfect for each other. So I don’t think anyone can tell you yes or no with any certainty, but if you have any doubts then please please listen to them and please don’t be pressured into anything.

I’m 37 and I can tell you that I am a completely different person than I was at 22 and I thank my lucky stars that I didn’t marry the man I was with at that age! But everyone is different and every relationship is different, so good luck to you whatever you decide!

@EspressoDoubleShot
Isn’t he a billionaire!!!

I expect he is, billionaire, gazillionaire. Liquid rich

@howtodealwithit

My cousin recently married, she's 25 and her husband is 40. They've been together since she was 19/20 and have survived this long!

"They have survived this long!"

5 years.

Not exactly a long time is it?!

I was 22 when I married the first time. My husband was 33, so not as big an age gap as the OP. He hadn't been married before, nor had any children. Our DD was born when I was 27. My husband was not happy with the changes to our life, he wanted to carry on with impromptu holidays, late nights out etc. His years as a carefree bachelor were over. He was impatient with us and resented the slowing down of his life that a child brought on. He carried on going out with his friends and I was parenting DD virtually alone. Eventually I left him, taking DD with me. I married again and had my DS with my second husband. After 13 years of marriage my second DH sadly died aged 56. My first husband is still very much alive and is now a healthy 72 years old. He has lived alone for 28 years. He was incredibly set in his ways when we married and should have remained unmarried as he did not have the patience for a family nor a willingness to give up his single lifestyle.

[quote MyPatronusIsACat]@howtodealwithit

My cousin recently married, she's 25 and her husband is 40. They've been together since she was 19/20 and have survived this long!

"They have survived this long!"

5 years.

Not exactly a long time is it?![/quote]
Erm I think you've misunderstood what I meant

Actually, that's a good point about the dynamic. I wasn't very assertive at all when I met my husband, and he was my first real relationship at 28. I did defer to him an awful lot and I'm not sure it was healthy. We have a good marriage - he's lovely - but in many ways I was quite immature, I think. We got married when I was 33.

I did exactly this!

Would not recommend

So I met my now DH when I was 23, he was 34 so not quite such an age gap but still big. We were engaged a year later and married 2 months short of my 25th birthday. We've now been married 36 years. My advice would be, don't focus on the age gap, focus on the person. The only thing that has ever bothered me about the age gap is him dying before me, then I realised this was a ridiculous thing to worry about. And the thing that made me realise this? It was the death of my Mum, who was also 11 years younger than my Dad. My DH is now 71 and I still don't notice his age!

My parents had an 11 year age gap and were happily married up till her death at 52. I know she dealt with a lot of judgement as they met when she was 18 and he was 30 and he’d been divorced twice. They were a wonderful couple x

I did exactly that. And wish I hadn't. It was great for a while. But recently he seems to have suddenly aged. The gap is so much bigger when one is 45 and the other is 60. Especially if the older one has decided they're too old to do anything. Sigh.

I ASKED if he'd a long term relationship history as yes I think if he hasn't at 37 that's concerning and suggests several possible issues at play

Including

he may well be doing that because women his own age won't put up with his bullshit.

This can be especially true of men who've chosen certain demanding career paths - of which dr is most definitely one!

I'm an ex nurse and would caution anyone when getting in a relationship with an hcp as it's an incredibly demanding, emotional and stressful field to work in and as such it's well known that they are at more risk of certain issues like addiction and mh issues. This is a fact.

I also have a brother who is a police officer and the demands of that role put paid to his first marriage and has at times made his second rather wobbly! And that's even with his 2nd wife also being a police officer and therefore knows the role and demands - except he has a specialist role too which she doesn't work in and therefore cannot understand. Where she is good is she calls him on his crap! She won't tolerate being treated badly because he's had a bad day. She is supportive but no doormat. As it happens she is the older one but only by a few years but I think it has helped actually

Relationships are tough and they get tougher as you get older in my experience and opinion.

At the beginning it's all hearts and flowers and great sex.

It's how a relationship fares after that stage that makes the difference

My ex's response to our first really difficult period after having dd was to avoid me as much as possible and have an affair!

Very common unfortunately

Op look on the relationships board and you'll see all the issues that can strain a relationship - regardless of ages.

I suspect op's relationship is also still in the early stages which is why I asked how long it had been going on for.

Biochemically the first 18 months the rose tinted glasses are welded on and your partners habits seem endearingly quirky...then you hit around the 2 to 2.5 year mark and they tend to become intensely irritating for a period and then if the relationship survives that each party figures out which things are tolerable and which need to be changed

This is why those of us that are older and with more experience - and who have perhaps made similar mistakes ourselves advise caution and taking ones time.

I was with my ex over 3 years when we married so in those terms we knew each other as well as one can, but as we were both still under 25 (and brains are still very much developing at this stage) we didn't really know ourselves well enough to know if the other person was best suited to us.

He is now remarried to the ow who he got pregnant and they're both utterly miserable but feel unable to end the relationship for a variety of reasons none of which are good reasons to stay married!

But aside from the effect of that on my dd that's not my problem.

Ex has occasionally TRIED to make it my problem in the past but I'm well past that stage now thankfully

I also had dd relatively young at 28 but having been trying for a family for several years at that point and had losses and other issues. I have endo and knew even before the diagnosis that my periods and cycle weren't right and I strongly felt I'd have difficulty becoming a mother and I was right.

But if a woman is young and healthy then again I would say having dc before again 25 is probably not ideal. Much better imo to wait, live a full life without having to account for dc before meeting that challenge.

I also agree it is generally not advisable to become dependent on him financially anyway, even if you're married. Marriage mitigates some of the risks but WHEN the marriage ends (as they all do somehow) you will need to rely on your own support. It needn't be divorce/separation it could be when he dies and that won't necessarily be when he's older.

Drs health tends to be very poor they're terrible at taking care of themselves, add in the long hours, little time for decent meals, or sleep, and the stress... well you get the picture

Depending on specialty they can have up to 15 years shorter life expectancy according to some studies.

Not ideal, but life happens. Any man can turn into a massive prick, regardless of age difference. But at the the end of the day, nobody will live OP's life for her.

While this is true, generally speaking as we get older we're better at spotting red flags and have a better idea of what suits us relationship wise

22 doesn't feel young at 22 but it really really is

I'm 42.

I live quite a ridiculous, carefree lifestyle (high earner, no kids etc - I sing in a band for fun, FFS) and I make no apologies for it, but if one of my friends turned up with a new boy/girlfriend 15+ years younger, my eyebrow would twitch.

Apart from anything else, what on earth do you have in common? What about your wider social circle, such as friends/family/colleagues etc? People are clannish and tribal and social conventions are a thing, rightly or wrongly.

And yes, as PPs have mentioned, whenever anybody has come up with a 'I married somebody a bazillion years older than me and it was all fine' story, they are inevitably female and the OH is inevitably male.

Also this:

"he may well be doing that because women his own age won't put up with his bullshit."

This is very important. Do his female peers like/respect him?

What's the rush to get married so soon?
How long have you been together? Are you living together?

Give it a few years to see how things go living together and stuff, before jumping in head first.

Personally I think it's a bit grim a 37 year old bloke with a 22 year old. The power imbalance and the fact he's never been married. Smacks of an attempt to control/mould.that wouldn't work on a woman his own age who has more life experience.

I have a 17 year age gap and we've been together 16 years, married for 13. Met at work so have generally earned the same.

I have psoriasis so I may well develop psoriatic arthritis and DH may need to care for me before I care for him! Either way, that's fine. We've been through lots together and there's nothing we can't handle. I spend a lot of time at home with emollients on my scalp/body or using a UV lamp, he helps me with that and I will help him with any age related things he needs in the future.

As people have said, best to be pragmatic about finances and retirement - have your own pensions etc. DH and I have a detailed plan and I will do a job share later on when he retires.

@Porcupineintherough

However lovely he is, such a huge age gap will cause endless issues and sacrifices in a life partner (and they will mainly be yours). If you were my dd I'd strongly advise you think again.

What a load of nonsense. There's no reason it HAS to mean any of that. Exactly that age gap here and 36 years later I've made exactly zero 'sacrifices' due to it

I do know a couple with a similar age gap, however she was in her late 30's, which made for less of a power gap.

Be aware that men start ageing rapidly in their 40's, not just in terms of their looks. My ex-husband is in his late 40's and looks/acts nothing like he was even 5 years ago - he looks mid 50's.

In 10 years time, you will be in your early 30's and he will be pushing 50. When you are fifty, he will be retired. Don't waste the best years of your life. If you want to stay with him, wait till you are 30 to get married - but he will be 45. At least then, you will get a true glimpse of the future!

Just one experience. My sister was 23 when she married her 35 year old boyfriend. We warned her against it and said at least just don’t get married and just wait. She didn’t listen. Went ahead and had 2 kids not long after.

We could see this guy really wasn’t the greatest but she just couldn’t see it, too young without enough life experience (they met when she was 19). She’d had other relationships but not proper adult ones.

She’s now 38 and getting a divorce and has spent a lot of her marriage miserable.

This sounds harsh but most 37 year olds would NOT date a 22 year old and you have to worry if it’s because he can’t find someone his own age.

How long have you been together OP?

I don’t think a 15 year age gap in itself is too great an issue to overcome. I think the key concern is you are only 22 and people do change a lot between 22-25. Could you delay the wedding for a couple of years to be sure this is what you want?

I wouldn’t have married anyone at 22, or started a family, age gap or no age gap. However, that’s me, everyone is different.

@toconclude come back in another 20 years and tell me again.

Forget the age gap. You are only 22. You've spent pretty much your entire twenties so far in lockdown. Why would you want to rush to get married? Why don't you enjoy being a single adult for a bit longer? Work, travel, socialise, make friends, get more training and advance your career. Seems bonkers to talk about quitting work to be a SAHM when you are barely out of your teens with limited life experience.
By all means carry on your relationship if you truly love this person but do t get tied down.

How long have you actually been together?