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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What the hell do we do?! (Potential trigger warning)

303 replies

Ninhurt · 29/08/2021 16:42

Dsd has just disclosed to me that she thinks she has been abused. BUT (and I few like a complete monster for saying this) it doesn’t really add up and I’m not sure what to do. I used to be so sure I’d instantly call the police but the details are extremely fuzzy.

For instance dsd said that she thinks a teacher from a hobby when she was younger ‘did something’. She doesn’t know what, and doesn’t remember anything happening. She also said she can’t remember the name of the teacher, then later on said that her older sister had googled him and that he had left the country. She then again said she didn’t know his name (then how did her sister google him?)

She has also named a teacher at her primary school that she said she also thinks ‘did something’. But again, she can’t remember anything that may have happened? Just that she ‘has a feeling’. And she said he hugged her once in the staff room?

Dsd is 19. DH is absolutely distraught and wanted to phone 111 for advice but dsd says she doesn’t want to because she can’t actually remember anything happening. She is absolutely adamant that we can’t tell her mum, but we can tell her aunties and Nan?

I’m not an evil stepmom, we actually have a really good relationship, and I feel awful, but I can’t shake the intuition that this isn’t quite true. Again, I don’t want to think this, but it’s almost like she’s enjoying ‘punishing’ her dads side of the family with this.

DH says we have to leave it (but he and his side of the family are in a complete state). I think we should call the non emergency police number for some sort of advice as you never know. And if it (whatever ‘it’ is) is true then this teacher is now a deputy head at a primary school?

DH and dsd are both very against this idea. I feel extremely unsettled and am worried about dsd wondering what else may be wrong (as I don’t think she’d make something like this up flippantly).

OP posts:
MrsLargeEmbodied · 30/08/2021 08:56

i think she wants her mother to find out somehow, and wants to engineer it.
no point in all the drama or telling all the family.
it is something she must deal with at 19, all you can do is support. or step back as you have been forced to do.
of course your dh will want to be proactive, it is natural

MrsLargeEmbodied · 30/08/2021 08:57

the cutting herself was a cry for help, it turns out. not a fad.

itsgettingwierd · 30/08/2021 09:07

Sorry it all blew up.

Your dsd behaviour is very representative of a young lady who's MH is shot to pieces.

The reaction of her BF mum is dreadful and actually it's concerning that the people she's using as a support network right now clearly aren't emotionally mature (or any type of normal and mature).

You said DSD ended up with the en suite many years ago but is now accusing you of not wanting her to live with you? What happened back then? How did she end up with that room whilst I'm guessing she didn't live you you FT?

VodkaSlimline · 30/08/2021 09:08

Honestly your DSD sounds like a manipulative narcissist and I certainly wouldn't go ruining a probably innocent person's life over these claims. The most I would do is encourage her to resume counselling, though perhaps with a different therapist this time.

user1471447924 · 30/08/2021 09:22

@VodkaSlimline

Honestly your DSD sounds like a manipulative narcissist and I certainly wouldn't go ruining a probably innocent person's life over these claims. The most I would do is encourage her to resume counselling, though perhaps with a different therapist this time.
Completely agree
FatLarrysBand · 30/08/2021 09:25

'At the moment, this is her truth, and it should be treated as such. This is a very troubled and vulnerable young woman imo.'

It can be 'her truth' all she likes. The danger comes if her truth isn't anyone else's, and it ends up running lives. These sort of accusations can't exist in a vacuum. There are consequences to voicing them.

FatLarrysBand · 30/08/2021 09:26

ruining

Member869894 · 30/08/2021 09:30

I think the police who deal with these things day in day out will take her seriously IF she chooses to go to them and will have specialists who can talk to her IF she wants to discuss it and take it from there. .just because she can't remember the details doesnt mean it didn't happen. In the meantime I don't think there's much you can do but listen to her calmly and sympathetically and perhaps suggest she chat to a counsellor who has experience with sexual abuse

ItsNotMeAnymore · 30/08/2021 09:30

I feel so sorry for you OP. Not sure if posters on here diagnosing her of various things is helpful.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 30/08/2021 09:33

just offer support to her and your dh op
take a back seat as she is turning on you now.

RacistAngst · 30/08/2021 09:35

The reality is that she can BOTH be a victim of child sexual abuse AND be manipulative.

The insistence that it’s her dad that needs to tell everyone, the lies to the bf family, threatening of suicide but not telling you where she is…..

Crabbypaddy · 30/08/2021 09:44

Baffled at the amount of people who have no clue about trauma insisting it’s impossible to not remember abuse. Wow.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 30/08/2021 09:50

@Crabbypaddy
being baffled at other posters is not going to help the op.

Nosuchthingas · 30/08/2021 09:52

@ItsNotMeAnymore

I feel so sorry for you OP. Not sure if posters on here diagnosing her of various things is helpful.
We're not diagnosing her with anything, merely pointing out that her behaviour could be indicative of BPD.

If she does have BPD, she needs serious help. It's not a criticism, more so a concern.

Nosuchthingas · 30/08/2021 09:55

Posted too soon, she obviously needs psychological help anyway but if it's BPD she would benefit most from DBT - something she isn't going to access via the NHS without a diagnosis and even with one it's hard to come by.

Ruling out BPD on account of it being stigmatized and not wanting to label her manipulative won't be doing her any favours if she has it.

Cabbagewhites · 30/08/2021 09:58

Agree with PP. I think she needs an urgent mental health assessment. She sounds very unhappy and confused, and yes very emotionally manipulative. Whether there is past abuse remains to be seen, but so far she has given you nothing beyond a ‘feeling’, with strict instructions who you can & can’t tell, with wild extrapolations about how much your actions show you love her - she needs psych support asap.

Newmum29 · 30/08/2021 10:08

Sorry but this is so odd, why would she want her extended family to know? I think your husband should put the brakes on. He doesn’t need to be held to ransom to prove he believes her. Saying he does should be enough (although it sounds like he has doubts so I’d be careful about language here).

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 30/08/2021 10:15

this , im doubting very much shes been abused being as she cant remember barely a thing that happened . theres no way i would be reporting this stuff to the police

All I remember with certainty is grandma's house and my house. Other than that I get very short flashbacks(less than a second and useless) and smells(these are strong). If i try to remember it feels like my brain is trying to fill in blanks , and can't say for sure if it really happened or not. It's all hazy anyways. Did something happen? Yes. Do I know exactly what? No.

Rivermonsters · 30/08/2021 10:25

I feel for you op.I don’t want to be mean but does she have a history of lies? I’m just a bit wary as I personally know a girl who lied about rape to the point she still acts like we all know it was BS (she admitted to our head of teacher she lied yet still carrys on the act)

Rivermonsters · 30/08/2021 10:33

Plus the more I’ve read it seems shes more mentally unwell

LakieLady · 30/08/2021 10:42

@Crabbypaddy

Baffled at the amount of people who have no clue about trauma insisting it’s impossible to not remember abuse. Wow.
Me too. Not only is it recognised in research and by mental health professionals, several on here have given first hand experience of it.

And it's not just trauma arising from SA or other abuse. How many people have been in car accidents or other incidents that are shocking and not remember what happened?

MarylinMonrue · 30/08/2021 10:52

Wow, quite a thing to see another thread in AIBU asking if BPD/EUPD is stigmatised and this one full of people going ‘she sounds like a manipulative lying narcissist, she must have BPD!’

JustLyra · 30/08/2021 10:52

@Rivermonsters

I feel for you op.I don’t want to be mean but does she have a history of lies? I’m just a bit wary as I personally know a girl who lied about rape to the point she still acts like we all know it was BS (she admitted to our head of teacher she lied yet still carrys on the act)
I’m always very wary of stories where women, especially young ones, “admit” to lying.

Having been in a situation where I - because of the pressure I was put under - effectively downplayed my own rape into a “misunderstanding” it always makes me wonder how many other disbelieved women do the same.

The number of people who instantly disbelieved the OP’s step-daughter because she didn’t behave or react as she “should” shows we have a long, long, long way to go when it comes to abuse and sexual assaults.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 30/08/2021 10:55

we have to take her word for it,
we have to believe her
we are not the jury

Rivermonsters · 30/08/2021 11:01

@JustLyra she definitely did. She’s sick in the head, vile girl. Glad I don’t see her anymore, the amount of other shite shes lied about is astonishing.