What the hell do we do?! (Potential trigger warning)

[Ninhurt]

Dsd has just disclosed to me that she thinks she has been abused. BUT (and I few like a complete monster for saying this) it doesn’t really add up and I’m not sure what to do. I used to be so sure I’d instantly call the police but the details are extremely fuzzy.

For instance dsd said that she thinks a teacher from a hobby when she was younger ‘did something’. She doesn’t know what, and doesn’t remember anything happening. She also said she can’t remember the name of the teacher, then later on said that her older sister had googled him and that he had left the country. She then again said she didn’t know his name (then how did her sister google him?)

She has also named a teacher at her primary school that she said she also thinks ‘did something’. But again, she can’t remember anything that may have happened? Just that she ‘has a feeling’. And she said he hugged her once in the staff room?

Dsd is 19. DH is absolutely distraught and wanted to phone 111 for advice but dsd says she doesn’t want to because she can’t actually remember anything happening. She is absolutely adamant that we can’t tell her mum, but we can tell her aunties and Nan?

I’m not an evil stepmom, we actually have a really good relationship, and I feel awful, but I can’t shake the intuition that this isn’t quite true. Again, I don’t want to think this, but it’s almost like she’s enjoying ‘punishing’ her dads side of the family with this.

DH says we have to leave it (but he and his side of the family are in a complete state). I think we should call the non emergency police number for some sort of advice as you never know. And if it (whatever ‘it’ is) is true then this teacher is now a deputy head at a primary school?

DH and dsd are both very against this idea. I feel extremely unsettled and am worried about dsd wondering what else may be wrong (as I don’t think she’d make something like this up flippantly).

That sounds like a horrible situation, OP. I agree with pp: remove yourself from directly interacting with her about this matter, and just be there to support your DH. Your DSD sounds like a very manipulative person; I imagine she got the biggest bedroom through a combination of anger and emotional blackmail? At the moment, she has created a situation in which she is at the centre of all kinds of drama and getting everyone's full attention. The wisest thing you can do is remove yourself from it as much as possible, and try to protect your kids from getting caught up in it. You and your husband may benefit from talking with a counsellor who can give you a space to discuss your concerns and come up with an approach to support your DSD/protect yourselves from her.

Ive not read other comments, just look at all your posts on this thread instead and it seems she can lie easily enough so I can understand the skepticism. It seems odd she wants you to tell some family members so badly but not others.

However, if it were me and I felt like someone didn't believe me when I was already mentally struggling then I'd probably kick off too. I experienced childhood trauma and I was quite unstable at your DSD's age.

Very tricky situation OP, especially not being allowed to tell her mum. I would really struggle with that and the potential consequences of it.

It's nothing to do with whether she's 'behaving as she should'.

She couldn't remember the name of her abuser. Her sister, however, managed to Google him. Now, she either managed that because she did remember his name, or because she managed to put sufficient detail into a search engine to find him - and would have got the name at that point. So his name is now known, one way or the other. But she can't recall it. That simply doesn't make sense. That in tandem with all the other things OP has aid, makes me think she may be lying.

I'm afraid I reject the idea that if someone thinks they have been abused - they have been: or indeed that anyone accusing someone of sexual abuse must automatically be believed. And, happily, so does the Criminal Justice System.

I agree with all the above posters.

I think it's really important that the victims of abuse behave in an expected and appropriate way when they come forward. Otherwise, how can we know that they are not just mental cases who are out to trap innocent men, like all the others?

I fucking despair of this place some times, I really do. Some of you should be ashamed.

Regardless of if she is lying or not I’m concerned she is having a mental health crisis? Lunging for you, threatening to kill herself, making things up when she knows there were multiple witnesses in the room to say otherwise.

Yes maybe she is lying but maybe something has been triggered by finally talking about what happened to her and it doesn’t sound good. I would be focusing on that right now incase something actually happens.

@FatLarrysBand

It's nothing to do with whether she's 'behaving as she should'.

She couldn't remember the name of her abuser. Her sister, however, managed to Google him. Now, she either managed that because she did remember his name, or because she managed to put sufficient detail into a search engine to find him - and would have got the name at that point. So his name is now known, one way or the other. But she can't recall it. That simply doesn't make sense. That in tandem with all the other things OP has aid, makes me think she may be lying.

I'm afraid I reject the idea that if someone thinks they have been abused - they have been: or indeed that anyone accusing someone of sexual abuse must automatically be believed. And, happily, so does the Criminal Justice System.

The therapeutic process and the criminal justice system are two entirely separate things. They have completely different aims and processes. No-one has suggested that this young woman should start the process of reporting a crime on the basis of a very uncertain belief.

The reason counsellors and therapists start from a position of believing troubled women is that it is the best way of unpacking the underlying cause of the behaviour and resolving it, and equally effective whether the abusive event happened, is imagined or is a simple fabrication.

And the criminal justice system isn't exactly the gold standard. How many rape complaints result in a conviction these days? 6%? Even if only 25% of rape allegations are true, that's still a lot of rapists who are free to rape again.

Jesus christ, feminism died and was buried here

If you think that feminism means blithely believing every woman who claims to have been sexually abused, then good luck to you.

I agree with some PP that there has been quite a lot of insensitivity on this thread, particularly some of the language used about BPD and some very casual dismissal of the DSD’s experiences, when none of us know the full details or are trained professionals in mental health and trauma (or most of us aren’t anyhow I’d guess).
However I think many posters have been trying to be helpful and offer advice to the OP. The situation is complicated and the young woman is very vulnerable- empathy is required.

@Rivermonsters

I feel for you op.I don’t want to be mean but does she have a history of lies? I’m just a bit wary as I personally know a girl who lied about rape to the point she still acts like we all know it was BS (she admitted to our head of teacher she lied yet still carrys on the act)

I know someone similar. She lied about being raped by one of our colleagues. Who was at home with his girlfriend at the time. She’d flirted with him, been turned down nicely as he was in a relationship and then accused him of sexual assault.

She had a long track record of outrageous lies and she’s still at it decades later while holding down a very responsible job working with vulnerable people. It’s terrifying.

She’s obviously got serious issues which is sad for her but the trail of damage and devastation her lies have created is horrendous.

Stefan Kiszko served fifteen years in prison for a murder he didn't commit, and would've been hanged had it happened ten years earlier. He was mostly put there by a slew of lazy, incompetent white males BUT he was not helped by three girls who lied in court that he was a sex pest. I don't know why they lied. Maybe they psychopaths. Maybe they themselves were being abused at home. Maybe they were bored because they weren't allowed to watch 'Multi-Coloured Swap Shop'. But lie they did. It's possible.

No ones saying its impossible she's lied. We are saying that the only way to help this clearly troubled young woman is to believe her and support her in finding a suitable therapist.
Whatever happened to believing victims? Me too?

@HerRoyalRisesAgain

No ones saying its impossible she's lied. We are saying that the only way to help this clearly troubled young woman is to believe her and support her in finding a suitable therapist. Whatever happened to believing victims? Me too?

Exactly this.

And the fuckwits who are pointing out that it is possible to make a false allegation, are the same braying cretins who, whenever a man is not convicted of a sex crime, petition for the victim to be prosecuted for lying.

They are either utterly incapable of critical thought or understanding of nuance; or (I suspect more often) they are vicious, dangerous, mendacious bastards. And there's loads of them on this thread.

I believe your daughter, OP . Please make sure she knows there are people out there who will listen to her and help her.

What you do is believe your dsd and respect what she wants to you to in terms of who to tell etc. If she wants to see a therapist then she will do so in her own time.

Her emotions are normal after her disclosure, it's very overwhelming after having these feelings held back for so long. Just be there for her please.

I would have definitely called her mother if she’d stormed out of the house threatening to jump off a bridge because I think her mum deserves to know if she’s going through a mental health crisis.

@AmyandPhilipfan

I would have definitely called her mother if she’d stormed out of the house threatening to jump off a bridge because I think her mum deserves to know if she’s going through a mental health crisis.

Yes, this.

It's also possible that her mother may have a deeper insight into the allegations. It may not be the first time this has come up.

If it was my DD I would absolutely want to know and I would be pretty pissed off at my ex H and his wife if they kept it from me.

Whilst I acknowledge DSD is an adult, she's an adult threatening to commit suicide and her mother should know about it.

Tell her mother and let her and DH deal with it. I would step well back and stay out of her way. Trauma or not she sounds incredibly hard work and a manipulator.

I agree with pp I that you must tell her mum what's going on surely. Does she live with you full time? Why would she not want her mum to know but everyone else?

She clearly has confused feelings about a lot of things and needs help. She's linking having Uti's as an 8 yr old and self harming as a 13 yr old to being abused twice which she can't remember. There will Be GP records at that time and so on. Mum would probably know more, I think it's important she knows especially with suicide threats and being violent.

Just one point of caution. If she is telling people and naming these men, Id be a little bit careful about potential repercussions of that if she isn't going to report it to authorities of some sort. People talk, one of them is a deputy head teacher, someone else entirely could pick up the phone and report what she's saying - whether she wants that or not.

I

If she doesn't want you involved, and especially after she lunged for you, I'd take the step back and get your DH to inform her mum.

I understand why people are saying her mum should be told, but OP I think you should leave that up to your DH. You have tried to support DSD and her response was to attack you. I think you should step way, way back, focus on your DC and support your husband while keeping DSD at a distance.

It's possible she's told her mum all this and mum hasn't believed her or hasn't been sufficiently supportive by DSD's lights. DH could tell her mum that DSD is having MH crisis without revealing the rest of the conversation. But I would let your DH decide and just support him in whatever he wants to do, rather than stepping in and telling her yourself.

I'm shocked as disgusted by some of the posters on here.

Victims aren't perfect. They are just people. People who have had terrible things happen to them. They can be good / bad stupid / clever annoying shits or perfect angels. They are just as flawed and complex as everyone else on this planet.

We are going through the court process right now. I can 100% assure you the vast majority of people accused of CSA won't be charged never mind prosecuted.

Contrary to what many people like to claim it's not easy for someone to make allegations of CSA, they don't skip off merrily into the sunset while an innocent mans life is torn apart on nothing more than one kids say so.

The reality is kids aren't believed. By people like we've seen on this thread. By people in authority who should know better and by their families which is the most devastating for them.

We've already been to trial and been adjourned on a technicality. It's a really common game defence barristers like to play, make the victims life as hellish as possible for as long as possible and hope they go away. We know a family whose case was adjourned 5 times!

So of course in this horrifying process of countless interviews, every record of you with every agency ever being viewed and scrutinised, invasive medical exams, traumatic interviews of your friends and family. Kids must be lying right? Sounds like a good old jolly.

Historic evidence is really hard to get. Short of catching someone in the act it's generally a he said she said situation. Because strangely pedophiles don't abuse kids in front of cctv cameras, they don't do it openly in plain sight for all to see where they are easy to catch.

The police were clear to us from the start. Just because there isn't enough evidence to charge doesn't mean it didn't happen. Just because the CPS don't choose to proceed doesn't mean it didn't happen. Just because the jury didn't feel there was enough evidence to convict without any reasonable doubt doesn't mean it didn't happen.

1 in 7 children will be sexually abused. You will know people who have been. Statistically There will be kids in your kids class who are being sexually abused. The reason people don't disclose and aren't open about it is because of the reaction they get from people like those posting on this board.

Nothing 'happened' to 'me too' or 'believing victims': they're slogans, not fucking papal bulls. It wouldn't occur to me to seek prosecution for women who make false allegations: but then, I'm not a braying cretin, thanks 🙄 I've said before that something has happened to this girl to get her here. I'm just not sure that's what she's a victim of, is necessarily sexual assault by a man no-one seems to be able to name.

And literally no one sensible has suggested going to the police with this. Perhaps if you were a bit more sensitive to why women aren't believed and lash out you'd be more likely to stop making an arse out of yourself on this thread.

I'm not lashing out at all. What a oddly hysterical little suggestion. I'm not the one, after all, calling people 'braying cretins' or 'fuckwits'. If someone makes this sort of allegation, especially once they've urged their parents to spread the word (albeit among an oddly discrete group of family members) police involvement may well become inevitable. It may not be the most important issue at hand, but in the interest of protecting others if nothing else, it'll surely be considered.

Read again, I never said you were lashing out, nor did I call you a fuckwit or a braying cretin. I did say you were making an arse of yourself though, which you continue to do.