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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Kids not allowed to do... anything

321 replies

Wtfisgoingon2021 · 29/08/2021 14:22

Name changed as know I will probably get flamed for this.

But I just feel like no one allows their children to do anything anymore.
They will have zero resilience.

All of my children's friends sit in their rooms on Xbox's cause the parents don't want them to be out playing.
They all get driven to the local school, which is a 10 min walk and their is not even any parent parking.
My eldest is 13 and if she wants friends round it's to be 100 messages with the parents as if I'm arranging a play date for a 3 year old.
We live a short walk from the cinema with one road to cross again my 13yo allowed to go with friends and her 3 friends not allowed must be driven in someone's car.

They are only a few years off leaving school and they can't even place an order at McDonald's themselves. (I worked their moons ago and there was nothing more frustrating than young teens who had no idea how to speak for themselves or use money!!)
It seem they are being done a great misjustice and I'm constantly being made to feel a shit mum for trying to empower and grow confidence in my child.
Honesty does anyone relate to me ??

OP posts:
Saz12 · 29/08/2021 17:17

Really parents need to keep their child safe whilst preparing them for adult life. There’s a balance and child’s personality & individual circumstance comes into play too. It does sound crazy that a 13-year-old isn’t encouraged to walk reasonable distances through safe areas, younger ones allowed to go into the shop to buy their own sweeties by themselves, whatever.

I drive my DC to school as we live rurally - 60mph speed limit and no pavement. Her ability to cross roads safely isn’t as good / reliable as you’d expect from a child her age, mostly as a result of having to be driven everywhere. We’re not in a bus route. It worries me. I do encourage her to choose & buy things in shops herself. But it’s not the same!

Mimilamore · 29/08/2021 17:18

Quite agree, life skills not being learned. No transition to young adults, too many adults still treated like children, hence the rise of the man child

SandraOhh · 29/08/2021 17:19

Agree. As a child I was made to book my own dentist/doctor appointments from 9ish. Picked out own outfits from very young. Dropped off at shopping centre with friends and picked up couple hours later from 9 so got used to shopping and paying for things. Bus into town alone to meet a friend from 12/13. I loved the independence and thrived. So many frightened parents these days.

Newbabynewhouse · 29/08/2021 17:21

@Murielspriggs

No way in times of COVID would I be letting any of my family on public transport or in fast food restaurants. Too risky to be infected just yet.

When will it be safe to be infected?

😂 I was thinking the same!!! - times of covid?? It will always be 'covid time' now...

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 29/08/2021 17:25

[quote Newbabynewhouse]@Murielspriggs

No way in times of COVID would I be letting any of my family on public transport or in fast food restaurants. Too risky to be infected just yet.

When will it be safe to be infected?

😂 I was thinking the same!!! - times of covid?? It will always be 'covid time' now...[/quote]
To be fair that poster is called Australian dad and Australia is about where we were 14 months ago in terms of covid tolerance/fear...

banoffeee · 29/08/2021 17:27

I remember having one friend like this at school (I’m 29 now) when we were in 6th form and starting to gain more freedom and independence and her mum was just so strict about everything, always had to know exactly where she was and exactly who with and know the parents, curfews, always had to be collected, I remember once a few of us shared a taxi together to an under-18 social event but she wasn’t allowed to use taxis even with friends.

The silly thing was this was all in the year leading up to all of us turning 18 and going off to uni, miles away from any parents! Occasionally I get the same vibes off the odd poster here going on about how a 17-year-old is a CHILD and strict rules, I just feel it’s pointless encouraging zero independence when said ‘child’ will be off to uni and living alone a few months down the line.

Newbabynewhouse · 29/08/2021 17:28

@Historyfan

Your post HAS to be a joke????? 24 and her mum is still like that??? God I thought I'd had it bad!!...... I remember being 24 and living at home, wanting to go and buy an ice cream with my friend at 8pm in the winter and I was desperately begged and pleaded with/ shouted at not to go as it was unnecessary to go out driving in the car in the dark and cold at that time of night for an ice cream! (Which was probably true) but I was an adult and that's what I WANTED to do ..so I did it anyway! soon after that I left home

GintyMcGinty · 29/08/2021 17:29

YANBU but that is not what my kids experience at all.

My two have got the bus to school since they were 5.

Gone out to play since they were 7.
My eldest has been allowed into town, to the cinema, crazy golf etc since he was 11.

Dguu6u · 29/08/2021 17:29

can’t even place an order at McDonalds themselves

What a benchmark!

Redruby2020 · 29/08/2021 17:29

I agree, I mean I still have a toddler, but I do worry about when the day comes when he has grown up a bit more and wants to go out with friends etc 🤦‍♀️ we don't live in a good area, there are so many bad things happening, that I wonder how it will be possible to allow him to ever go, it's not nice feeling this way.
I was born and brought up in the same area and male or females did not have the same issues then. We played out it was great.
We walked to school, others were on the bus or being driven in(granted a few lives further away) I was lucky that I wasn't really far, but also had friends to walk with etc. Or you'd meet some on the way over.

So I just wonder how much of these parents actions are from fear etc, and how much where of course it will not help them to not be independent.

Neverrains · 29/08/2021 17:30

No way in times of COVID would I be letting any of my family on public transport or in fast food restaurants. Too risky to be infected just yet

So for the past 19 months, how would people without a car have been able to get anywhere?

newnortherner111 · 29/08/2021 17:30

I do relate to what you say OP, especially about the lack of walking and lack of basic communication skills when going into a shop. The man child is one consequence, but more widely the inability to cope with setbacks in general.

Newbabynewhouse · 29/08/2021 17:35

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

Ahh fair enough! I hadn't realised.. I'm actually unaware now of how covid is affecting other countries as spent the first 6 months with news on constantly I knew everything! Then realised it wasn't good for me so stopped watching the news.. my way of coping now is to keep sanitizing hands in between washes and keep from being too close to people .. also been double vaccinated, not much more I can do now

Historyfan · 29/08/2021 17:38

[quote Newbabynewhouse]@Historyfan

Your post HAS to be a joke????? 24 and her mum is still like that??? God I thought I'd had it bad!!...... I remember being 24 and living at home, wanting to go and buy an ice cream with my friend at 8pm in the winter and I was desperately begged and pleaded with/ shouted at not to go as it was unnecessary to go out driving in the car in the dark and cold at that time of night for an ice cream! (Which was probably true) but I was an adult and that's what I WANTED to do ..so I did it anyway! soon after that I left home[/quote]
I wish I was joking but I swear I’m not
She won’t leave home as her mother seems to have convinced her that she’ll never survive
She won’t if she carries on like this
Every single sentence started with ‘my mum…’
Then the phone would ring-I’m not joking when I say she had to convince her mother to allow her to drive to our local Tesco for dog food (my sons dog)
They where on the phone for about half an hour debating it-they could have been there and back in that time-mum was telling her not to as she could crash the car/get run over/break her neck carrying the tins home/it was too late to go out (it was about 4pm ish)/she would definitely get mugged
the daughter telling her it was a 5 minute drive,my son would be with her and it was unlikely they’d get mugged as my son is a bouncer who can look after the pair of them
We had a week of this-it’s not heathy at all but seems it’s normal for them

BlowDryRat · 29/08/2021 17:38

YANBU. DS is 11, transitioning to secondary school. I poked him to sort out walking to school with a couple of friends, which he did. He knocked for his friend on the first morning and found out that his friend 'isn't allowed' to walk to school. Friend's mum drove them every day last week 🤦‍♀️ Happily he has other friends who live nearby and I've told him that he will be walking once they start properly next week. I'm not having him being driven less than a mile to school when he's been walking to junior school by himself for over a year.

AustralianDad7 · 29/08/2021 17:39

@MurielSpriggs

No way in times of COVID would I be letting any of my family on public transport or in fast food restaurants. Too risky to be infected just yet.

When will it be safe to be infected? Hmm

Be safe to be infected once there is a cure, just over a hundred years ago that Spanish Flu wiped out 100 million people (5% global population)
Boatonthehorizon · 29/08/2021 17:39

I thought you were going to say you were in London.
Nrtft but I completely agree with the OP.

Im not in London but its the same here. My 12yo DS only sees friends if I arange it with the parents, and aligning their schedules is hard work.

lockdownmadnessdotcom · 29/08/2021 17:40

@Dguu6u

can’t even place an order at McDonalds themselves

What a benchmark!

Well I'm 49 and I wouldn't know that either Grin

However, I get the OP's point. That said, there's a difference I think between having a child who can't do things, and one who doesn't want to do things. Only being interested in screens doesn't preclude being able to use public transport, read a map and do shopping.

Where I live the parents still seemed to be controlling their kids' friendships well into their teens. I think it was only when they went to sixth form colleges they could have a life - and then covid struck.

Neverrains · 29/08/2021 17:41

A cure… for a virus? I fear you may be waiting a while.
In the meantime we have excellent vaccines and treatments.

Original poster
Wtfisgoingon2021 · 29/08/2021 17:43

@Dguu6u

can’t even place an order at McDonalds themselves

What a benchmark!

I think a 13 year old should be able to order their own lunch..
OP posts:
AustralianDad7 · 29/08/2021 17:43

@Neverrains

No way in times of COVID would I be letting any of my family on public transport or in fast food restaurants. Too risky to be infected just yet

So for the past 19 months, how would people without a car have been able to get anywhere?

Ride share with people you know, workmates or neighbors. This is a pandemic if you were not aware? The Spanish Flu wiped out 5% of the worlds population, this will double that easily.
MurielSpriggs · 29/08/2021 17:44

Be safe to be infected once there is a cure, just over a hundred years ago that Spanish Flu wiped out 100 million people (5% global population)

Hi there @AustralianDad7, are you still hiding under the table from Spanish flu? I do believe we're waiting for a cure for that one too.

Boatonthehorizon · 29/08/2021 17:45

@GintyMcGinty Where do you live? USA?

tigger1001 · 29/08/2021 17:47

Yanbu but I don't think yours is a typical experience.

My eldest is 15 and very independent. Can cook/clean (not that he would choose to clean but can put a wash on etc if asked to. Can go to the shops for me. Uses public transport regularly so knows how to read timetables etc. Makes his own plans socially. Does ask for lifts sometimes but that's more to do with us living in the country and public transport not great on a Sunday.

My youngest has just had his first trip into town without adults. A bus trip, then to the cinema and home again.

Independence is important.

Neverrains · 29/08/2021 17:47

Ride share with people you know, workmates or neighbors. This is a pandemic if you were not aware? The Spanish Flu wiped out 5% of the worlds population, this will double that easily

Yes… I’ve been aware for the past 19 months. Been through 3 lockdowns, 2 lengthy school closures, lost most of my income. Had Covid, plus 2 vaccines.
Things pretty close to normal back here in England now, thankfully. Just got back from a couple of weeks visiting family in Spain. Tricky to get a lift share to Spain!

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