Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Kids not allowed to do... anything

321 replies

Wtfisgoingon2021 · 29/08/2021 14:22

Name changed as know I will probably get flamed for this.

But I just feel like no one allows their children to do anything anymore.
They will have zero resilience.

All of my children's friends sit in their rooms on Xbox's cause the parents don't want them to be out playing.
They all get driven to the local school, which is a 10 min walk and their is not even any parent parking.
My eldest is 13 and if she wants friends round it's to be 100 messages with the parents as if I'm arranging a play date for a 3 year old.
We live a short walk from the cinema with one road to cross again my 13yo allowed to go with friends and her 3 friends not allowed must be driven in someone's car.

They are only a few years off leaving school and they can't even place an order at McDonald's themselves. (I worked their moons ago and there was nothing more frustrating than young teens who had no idea how to speak for themselves or use money!!)
It seem they are being done a great misjustice and I'm constantly being made to feel a shit mum for trying to empower and grow confidence in my child.
Honesty does anyone relate to me ??

OP posts:
AustralianDad7 · 29/08/2021 16:46

@Wtfisgoingon2021

Name changed as know I will probably get flamed for this.

But I just feel like no one allows their children to do anything anymore.
They will have zero resilience.

All of my children's friends sit in their rooms on Xbox's cause the parents don't want them to be out playing.
They all get driven to the local school, which is a 10 min walk and their is not even any parent parking.
My eldest is 13 and if she wants friends round it's to be 100 messages with the parents as if I'm arranging a play date for a 3 year old.
We live a short walk from the cinema with one road to cross again my 13yo allowed to go with friends and her 3 friends not allowed must be driven in someone's car.

They are only a few years off leaving school and they can't even place an order at McDonald's themselves. (I worked their moons ago and there was nothing more frustrating than young teens who had no idea how to speak for themselves or use money!!)
It seem they are being done a great misjustice and I'm constantly being made to feel a shit mum for trying to empower and grow confidence in my child.
Honesty does anyone relate to me ??

worst thing ever is budgeting money. Next generation is really going to suffer I fear. We used to have coins and notes, now they get gift cards and tap to pay. Paying things off will be the normal rather than saving up for it unfortunately, with the associated fees.
Natsku · 29/08/2021 16:48

Its the opposite where I live, for instance parents aren't really involved in 'playdates' once they children are out of nursery (as I found out when DD brought a classmate home to play after school one day in her first month of school and I had no idea where he lived or how he was getting home), they go out to play, ride bikes, swim in the lake (though I don't allow 10 year old DD to swim without an adult supervising, this is where I'm one of the strictest parents in the area), go to the shop etc. DD has been able to go in the shop and buy things, asking where they are if necessary, since she was 6 - I want her to have more confidence than I did growing up.

Gertie75 · 29/08/2021 16:51

Mine don't play out in the street like I used to but that's purely because I grew up on a quiet estate and now live on a busier road.

They're 6 and 8 and do have some freedoms, we've got our own caravan and they're allowed to go to the site park without us as long as they stay together and have a rule that if one comes back the other has to come too.

They go on regular playdates and sleepovers and it's not hundreds of texts to arrange.

We have to drive to school because of distance but the eldest likes to walk from the car on her own which involves crossing a road.

If it was left to dh they'd be much more molly coddled.

LG93 · 29/08/2021 16:52

I'm not surprised, my DH has just taken on a 17 year old at work, they were out running work errands and popped into Sainsbury's to grab lunch on the go, he had to talk him through choosing/picking up what he wanted and using a self checkout as he's never bought anything in a shop before Confused

AustralianDad7 · 29/08/2021 16:53

@TheTurn0fTheScrew

My DC is 14, just between year 9/10. In year 9 she and her mates have all been permitted to visit the (massive) city by public transport. It's lovely watching them spread their wings a bit. Her birthday treat this year was me funding a trip to a very instagrammable cafe in the city and no parents contacted me to ask about supervision. Which is good, because I stayed at home.
No way in times of COVID would I be letting any of my family on public transport or in fast food restaurants. Too risky to be infected just yet.
Debetswell · 29/08/2021 16:54

My dgs is 9. I've been letting him place the order in Caffè Nero for a year.
Last time it was card only. He's really proud of himself when he does it.
I help to carry the drinks though!

brazenandstrange · 29/08/2021 16:55

We live rurally so I have always had to do the lifts thing for my boys, but since 8yrs they all walked to school alone or with mates, (village primary). They were also allowed to play out at that age, although very few others were so it was a little limited.

My 18 yr old sons are at Leeds Festival currently and I am not at all worried, as they first went at 16 and had a brilliant time. They packed all their stuff and just asked me to get them a new powerbank thing each for charging their phones, arranged their lifts and off they went.

Don't know where 14 year old DS is right now. Out somewhere!

I know a lot of my friends with kids have always viewed me as a bit lax in my parenting style, but they are also the ones talking about how they are dreading their 18 year olds going to Uni next month, how it makes them cry to think about it etc. Its like a weird co-dependency. I am the complete opposite, I can't wait for them to go and am so excited for them! Plus its less towels to pick up, the food bill will half, the house will be miles tidier, I won't find various other teens asleep on my sofas on a Sunday morning etc.....

MurielSpriggs · 29/08/2021 16:55

No way in times of COVID would I be letting any of my family on public transport or in fast food restaurants. Too risky to be infected just yet.

When will it be safe to be infected? Hmm

Rosebel · 29/08/2021 16:56

My DD had a friend like this. Her DD was allowed to walk to school but one of her friends had to walk right to the house on the way there and back (no meeting on the corner). If they were going anywhere the parents used to insist someone drove (they didn't drive).
She was DDs best friend (although they fell out a lot) and when they rowed the mum used to text my daughter to apologise and say she'd punished her daughter. I found it bizarre.
I was quite relieved when she moved away.

HumbugWhale · 29/08/2021 17:00

I agree. I work at a secondary school in a lovely area, oversubscribed so most children live within a mile. It is crazy how many are driven to and from school. Chatting to them a while back I discovered that most have never caught a bus to town with their friends (so not alone).
A significant number don't have the confidence to pop into the classroom next door and ask to borrow resources unless they can go with a friend.
As a parent I understand it can be scary to let dcs have more freedom but they are going to be seriously underequipped to cope in real life.

Millionnewnames · 29/08/2021 17:01

My daughter has always been very confident and independent. Not my parenting style as such, just her personality . She had a phone and an allowance at 8 years old. She’d catch the bus into town at about that age to buy crap at Claire’s or treat herself to some clothes. She knew strangers were a risk and to make a fuss and be aggressive if someone approached her. She’s fabulously responsible and completely independent in her own home now. All her friends are still very much at home and can’t sort their own car tax , apply for passport etc at nearly 20.
Ds is 4 and deaf with a speech delay despite this He’s happily gone into the greengrocers with a fiver and picked what he wanted while I waited outside. I love watching through the glass as the ladies face lights up as he’s such a gent .
He’s already got a decent knowledge of the buses and routes ( nerdy interest) and could direct you just about anywhere in our town. I know children at 12 who won’t go in a shop on their own and can’t get themselves a simple meal. Surely it will just add to stress if they suddenly have to learn all these life skills at once when they go off to uni etc
Much better to let them grow independence early I think.

Historyfan · 29/08/2021 17:03

My sons girlfriends mum is just like this

Still lives at home,drives,has a job,is dating my son and is twenty bloody four (soon to be 25)

She’s not allowed out after dark,her mum takes her to work and back,mum cooks her meals,does all her washing,sits next to her when she’s having a bath in case she drowns,cuts her grapes up etc etc

My son asked if she’d mind letting his dog out one night for a pee while he was at work-she agreed but let him down 10 minutes before she was meant to drive the 3 minutes to his house as ‘mum doesn’t want me out so late’ this was about half 3 in the afternoon!

I thought she was going to melt when they arranged to come to visit me (we live 135 miles away)

I’ve never had so many phone calls/messages in my life-where did we live?do we do drugs?where would they sleep?what time did they have to be in by?if they needed to go to the shop,would I take them the 2 minutes walk there and back?(no main roads)what would I cook for them?did I have orange juice in-she didn’t drink anything but oj?etc

3 hours before they where due to set off,mum banned her from coming as she’d never met me and was worried I’d murder the daughter in her sleep or something (they did talk her into ‘allowing’ them to go but I’m not joking when I say she rang hourly wanting to know what they where doing and asking permission to go anywhere that was further than my front gate)

It’s alien to me-I’ve tried to make sure I gave them independence and space to grow up into decent hard working adults

They all know I’m here if they need me,but as adults they have their own lives to live-they don’t need mummy to control them

It’s becoming more common at work-twice in the last month teens have had a problem so brought mum to the meetings to sort things out-it’s hardly professional and they don’t seem aware it’s not doing the teens a favour-and to the teens it seems normal

HollyGrail · 29/08/2021 17:04

I think they don't get to do much but they do get to see a lot - all those crazy stunts on skateboards, climbing up the outside of buildings, people living in the wilderness.

I hope that when they are older they will want to do lots of dangerous-ish exciting things.

But adults too are pretty scared these days - friends I know will not walk near the woods alone - we are in the countryside, not near any cities - who do they think is lurking there, if they are lurking they will have a heck of a long lurk before someone suitable comes along.....

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 29/08/2021 17:04

I don't recognise this at all
I have a nearly 13yo and he and his mates are free range kids. There are probably a few in his year who don't get as much freedom but most of them are out all day on bikes and scooters, they take themselves to the park, on the train and bus, to Macdonald's, the swimming pool etc... there must be different social norms where you live.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 29/08/2021 17:06

@Historyfan

My sons girlfriends mum is just like this

Still lives at home,drives,has a job,is dating my son and is twenty bloody four (soon to be 25)

She’s not allowed out after dark,her mum takes her to work and back,mum cooks her meals,does all her washing,sits next to her when she’s having a bath in case she drowns,cuts her grapes up etc etc

My son asked if she’d mind letting his dog out one night for a pee while he was at work-she agreed but let him down 10 minutes before she was meant to drive the 3 minutes to his house as ‘mum doesn’t want me out so late’ this was about half 3 in the afternoon!

I thought she was going to melt when they arranged to come to visit me (we live 135 miles away)

I’ve never had so many phone calls/messages in my life-where did we live?do we do drugs?where would they sleep?what time did they have to be in by?if they needed to go to the shop,would I take them the 2 minutes walk there and back?(no main roads)what would I cook for them?did I have orange juice in-she didn’t drink anything but oj?etc

3 hours before they where due to set off,mum banned her from coming as she’d never met me and was worried I’d murder the daughter in her sleep or something (they did talk her into ‘allowing’ them to go but I’m not joking when I say she rang hourly wanting to know what they where doing and asking permission to go anywhere that was further than my front gate)

It’s alien to me-I’ve tried to make sure I gave them independence and space to grow up into decent hard working adults

They all know I’m here if they need me,but as adults they have their own lives to live-they don’t need mummy to control them

It’s becoming more common at work-twice in the last month teens have had a problem so brought mum to the meetings to sort things out-it’s hardly professional and they don’t seem aware it’s not doing the teens a favour-and to the teens it seems normal

The mum cuts up a 24 year old's grapes and sits next to her in the bath in case she drowns?? This is a person with severe mental health problems. What on Earth is the daughter like?
Dontforgetyourbrolly · 29/08/2021 17:06

I agree and the mums of older kids and teens that I know infantilise them because of a need of their own to be needed iyswim?
I know mums that have dedicated their lives to their children's hobbies and clubs and have a fear of feeling empty when they finally become independent .

kaleidoscopeheartless · 29/08/2021 17:10

I've found the children from school aren't allowed to do much. One parent saw my son walking on his own from his dads to mine, literally a 5 min walk and I got a phone call to let me know he was walking on his own! He's 10!

The kids on the street have more freedom and seem to play out all the time and walk to the shop together.

Hidehi4 · 29/08/2021 17:10

My kids play out with friends and once they are at high school can start getting the bus places, but I know a 16 yr old next month who isn’t even allowed in the house on her own and has to go to the local shop with her mum. It’s really sad as she’s only allowed to ‘play’ with one friend and has ridiculous boundaries doing that

TheWoleb · 29/08/2021 17:10

Your daughter has strange friends.
My 9 year old and his friends all have more freedoms than you say these 13 year olds have.

I think you're the exception, not the rule. The kids round here are not like that. There are a few parents who wrap them up in cotton wool like this but everyone looks at them like the odd parents.

daisypond · 29/08/2021 17:11

@Historyfan
Blimey! That is terrible.

Historyfan · 29/08/2021 17:11

@CloseYourEyesAndSee
She is a real sap-everything that comes out of her mouth is ‘mum says’ ‘mum wants’ ‘mum things’ ‘mum likes’ etc
I wish I was joking-I had a word with my son (I never interfere with his relationships normally-the girl he’s dating is his choice) and he said that it’s normal for her and she doesn’t seem to want to change things

I can’t see it lasting if I’m honest-it is fucking weird and unhealthy

Jux · 29/08/2021 17:11

Many of dd's friends were like this, really wrapped in cotton wool. We didn't, but encouraged her to walk down the road to the shops alone (at first I would shadow her from a distance). Same with walking to school. She'd do both those from about 8 years old. We would also leave her alonne in the house for an hour here and there.

At 16 one of her friends had to be driven home. It was a bit of a walk, but if she'd be allowed to go to the shop at 8yo etc, at 16 it would have been a piece of piss for her.

NB, my mum taught me how to change a plug, including how to cut the wires, trim the plastice off etc, when I was about 6. She saw it as a life skill. I tried to show dd when she was a similar age but everything was moulded on by then. Hopeless!

I don't understand it.

mathanxiety · 29/08/2021 17:13

YANBU.

I've seen threads here posted by many over-anxious mothers -
'Just moved to the area and don't know anyone, panicking because 12 year old has been invited to someone's house, and I don't know them...'
'Sleepovers? Over my dead body!! There would be strangers in my house, and my pfb would be sleeping in someone else's house and I don't know them...'

Get to know them then?

Invite the new friends over. Talk to them.

Pick up the phone. Talk to their parents.

dworky · 29/08/2021 17:16

I agree. The UK is now raising battery children.

Newbabynewhouse · 29/08/2021 17:17

I'm a bit mixed on this one... I am 30 and have a baby of my own and can see how parents want to keep their children wrapped in cotton wool...but I was wrapped in cotton wool as a child and am now an anxious adult, always nervous about doing things like going out alone and getting public transport etc.. I'm also studying to be a teacher and have learnt a lot about how giving children independence is so important, so because of this, I'd say yes children need to be given more independence to make them resilient and confident. On the other hand, there actually some 'odd' people out there who sometimes have bad Intentions so can see why parents struggle to let their children out of their sight for too long... but there is also a difference between letting your 5 year old out to wander the streets all day because you want then out of your hair (saw this a lot as a kid) or letting your 8 year old walk to the shops with their friends to gain confidence and independence!