Friend has decided to charge me to stay

[ploomo]

I have friends (a retired couple) who have several times over the last few years urged me to come and stay with them. They have a very nice old house in the Settle area, with a separate 2-bedroom cottage in the gardens. Since they moved in 2016 it's always been 'Come and stay, we're so lucky to have this place and we want to share it. You can spend time with us but come and go as you please.' Earlier this year they invited me to come in September and I said yes and booked a week's leave.

I have another friend who was due to go away to Greece the same week but cancelled because of potential Covid complications. So I contacted my friends and asked how they would feel if my friend came with me. I emailed saying that I would be very happy to pay to rent the cottage as I would be bringing a stranger, and that we'd bring our own bedding and linen and leave the place scrupulously clean for the next occupants — basically, wanting to cause them as little work or hassle as possible. They emailed back saying they wouldn't take any money, any friend of mine was a friend of theirs. They said they'd host us both for dinner the first night and they'd take us out one day to a place they love, and that we could all go to the pub another night if we liked — but apart from that they just want us to have a good time.

That was more than a month ago. I spent about £150 on some special whisky I know they like and I've ordered some posh local artisan charcuterie and other goodies for them. This morning I've had an email from them saying that now they've had time to think about it, they feel that 'we would like to ask you and your friend to contribute £500 for your stay to cover electricity and other costs. We know that you will leave the place cleaner than you found it which is why we are happy to offer it at a reduced rate.'

I know that over the summer it's been let out for up to £1000 a week, so I suppose this is a good deal but I feel really sick and actually quite shaky about it. It's something about being offered a gift, a sign of appreciation and friendship, and then having it snatched back. I feel I can't really ask my friend to stump up the cash having told her it was free, so I'll have to foot the bill. If it wasn't for my friend really looking forward to it I'd tell them I couldn't come, but I'm going to have to go because of her.

Have they behaved badly or am I over-reacting? Who's BU —me or them?

You make it sound as if a visit is a horrible duty and not to be enjoyed

Nowhere have I said anything of the sort. That sounds more like your view than mine.

Although that explains your thought process here entirely and why you are behaving with such nastiness towards people who extended kindness to you even after 5 years of being snubbed by you.

I think they are taking the piss to change their minds and charge you after assuring you that they wouldn’t.

But I also think that you were taking the piss to invite a friend. You were invited to see them as their friend, not for a free holiday with another friend. I think you’ve annoyed them with that and they’ve thought about it and felt used.

It's a good revenge in theory but can't help wondering if in practice it'll get awfully complicated
I think it's just better if you cancel. It all sounds very childish and none of you sound like very good friends anyway.

personally id tell them to stick it , i do think they are a bit peeved at you now bringing the friend , as someone else has said ,it sounds like they were wanting to take you here and there , spend the time , now they are of the mentality oh well shes bringing her friend now , she will be busy going out doing this , that and we dont know her either , i think they really wanted you all to themselves so to speak ,

i dont think its honerable to say it was free and now grab for money even if they are pissed , now they want 500 quid which is a lot for a week . id be getting a refund on the whiskey and other stuff as well
id be prepared to lose them as friends , i honestly wouldnt consider them a loss if they are capable of pulling this stunt ,

the question you need to ask yourself is . if you pay them the money and go , are you going to be genuinally happy to see them and spend the time with them ?

or are you going to be resentful and bitter and feel that the week has been tainted by the whole thing ,
if its the latter i think you have your answer that its best not to go , they will sense you are somehow pissed with them anyway . which could cause an atmosphere

OP I think YANBU. We have friends who have an apartment in a popular European city. They don’t rent it out as an Airbnb or anything like that. When they bought it, the husband was all Lord Bountiful (after a few drinks) - friends welcome to stay etc. So we asked if we could stay one half term. All good, arranged to meet to collect keys a couple of days before going… to be told that they’d be charging us mates rates ie £400 for 5 days. Undeniably not market rates but after 20 years of friendship, a bit of a shock. It wouldn’t occur to me to charge friends If it’s run as a business, fine, but not just a cash in hand job.

Bottom line is, are they your friends and do you want to spend time with them?

If yes, accept they made an error of judgement about the money - friends do bear with each others' mistakes, although many on MN will struggle to see it like this!

If they are friends and you want to maintain the friendship, get over the money thing. Go, have a good time and enjoy their company too. Reduce the gifts and dont knock yourself out with excessive cleaning, but leave it all in a good state. Forget ideas of revenge.

If they aren't good friends and you're happy for the relationship to end, politely and with dignity an grace, pull out. Some of the words given above which still gift the charcuterie are good. If you do this, also recognise, that actually you didn't value their friendship as much as you'd thought and they probably didn't value you as much as you'd thought. And move on.

I think the issue here is actually about if you want the friendship to continue and not if you want to spend £500.

It is regrettable that they asked for money later. I do think it was an error of judgement and woukd have been far better to ask when you mentioned it, but as others say, perhaps they we're caught unawares and on later reflection decided it was right for you to lay something. It still is a good deal and if it's in the holiday season, is still meaning they can't let it. They should have thought of these things sooner because only mentioning it now, certainly makes things awkward, but it's now your choice how to respond. You can be cross or rude or vengeful. You can pull out gracefully and quietly end the friendship. Or you can get over it for the sake of the friendship and pay and enjoy the Hol.

It all depends on whether you want to keep the friendship going really.

@ploomo I'm looking at it this way.Your df had been let down for their own holiday.
So you asked your other friends could she come.
Which is a lovely thing to do.
You even offered the hosts money,they refused.
They changed their minds.And now want to charge you

I think you're very respectful op,it's not like you turned up with loads of people.

They changed the plans. I wouldn’t go.

@LagunaBubbles

There's a big difference going to stay to see friends and then asking if someone else can come to, I think this has annoyed them no matter what they said.

This

I read 1st page but Yanbu and I am going to go against the grain here and say that the fact that you gave them notice of your friend coming and they were ok with that and it being still free yet then going back on their word later is unacceptable. A lot of people are forgetting that part of the story.

really they are charging half rent because you are bringing a friend, not unreasonable in times of COVID. Enjoy the holiday and put yourself in their position, they could be getting twice what they are charging you.

You don’t invite someone to stay then decide you’re charging them! Can you imagine charging someone to stay in your spare room!

I can understand charging someone if they’ve asked to use it so you’d be out of pocket if they didn’t pay but this sounds entirely different.

I’d just cancel personally, it would leave a bad taste in my mouth to pay them the £500.

Get your friend to rebook her trip to Greece and go with her.
I'm in Greece on holiday and it's not at all complicated, in fact it's dead easy and feels safe.
I wouldn't pay £500 after it was offered for free

Really difficult for people with properties in holiday locations. They often find they suddenly have lots of friends keen to visit.

When thinking about this, just remember that you're likely not to be the only friends wanting to stay. every visitor needs bedding and if it's a separate property, is either a loss of rental income or at least costs electricity and wear and tear. If there are even just 6 lots of friends coming, it can be quite wearing and people often handle it by charging some rate.

Key thing is to communicate in advance. Op did try to do that. Last minute requests for money are never good.

@WombatChocolate

I’m thinking about this further.

As I said, I think they were wrong to change their offer to you later in the day.

However, I’ve also reflected on the nature of your relationship with them.

You haven’t been a good friend, in the sense of not going to see them for 5 years. You are still not going to see them purely for their company, but for a holiday with your friend. I can see why they might have felt a bit used when they thought about this more.

People with holiday properties or homes in holiday locations often feel like this. People want to visit essentially for a free holiday. They get far more visitors than if they lived somewhere else. And often people visit and have full it I are of holiday activities planned and haven’t really factored in spending much time with the hosts. Sometimes they seem to expect a full hotel service…bedding, meals etc and no reciprocation. They never invite the others back for a weekend at theirs, or don’t even take the hosts out for meals etc.

I still think it was wrong if the friends to change the terms of the offer of accommodation. However, I can start to see how their feelings towards ‘friend’ who is OP started to change. They reflected on her as a friend and how she’d not shown all that much friendship for 5 years and was still not coming purely for them, but with a friend and that they had lots planned. However, a saving grace for Op, which I think is relevant here, is that she says she speaks to them every month. If this really is the case, it is more of a genuine friendship. Lots of people though, just want to see ‘friends’ when it’s convenient.

Genuine friends do out up with each others’ errors of judgement though. Op has to decide both if she want the holiday but also if she wants to nurture this friendship. There isn’t a right answer here.

You haven’t been a good friend, in the sense of not going to see them for 5 years. You are still not going to see them purely for their company, but for a holiday with your friend. I can see why they might have felt a bit used when they thought about this more.

I was going to see them on my own before my friend ended up holiday less, and then I though perhaps there was a way to extend my Settle friends' kindness to include her. I'm astonished by the idea that you invite someone to stay because you expect something from them (company, attention, 'friendship') and not because you have something to offer them. The only thing I require of my guests is that they have a pleasant time.

I have been a good friend to them: they have stayed here in the last few years and I would have stayed with them but for things like major building works on the house and cottage for the first 18 months they owned them, their daughter moving into the cottage for several months (I was booked to stay and they cancelled because of this), us all having elderly parents who keep having strokes and falls and heart attacks etc and then Covid.

I had their daughter and her toddler stay for several nights at one point when she and her partner were splitting up. She would have gone to her parents' home but they were away and she didn't have keys. So she came here and then I drove them the 300 miles to her mum and dad. I didn't intend to mention it, but that's the kind of awful friend I've been to them and their family.

Oh gosh it's getting awkward now. I think id ring them and say it's a bit awkward as you feel like you've prevented them renting it out full whack and maybe they should do that. Mention that You bought some nice whiskey and charcuterie bits as a thank you as of course you wanted to show your appreciate but feel awkward about the £500 as when invited your friend there wasn't a cost. Play the isnt jt awkward card and see what they say- they've made it that was and are cheeky to move the goal posts. They might regret their offer but tough good manners means dont rescind.

I'd cancel staying with them. £500 might be half their normal holiday cottage rate, but they're more than covering their costs which are likely less than £200 (quickly adding up my council tax gas and electric and adding on a bit for water). Go find somewhere else where you don't have to clean it before you leave and tell them to do one. It won't be the same after this.

Surely most people invite others to stay as they enjoy their company & would like to see them?

It doesn't follow that the whole of a visit has to be spent together of course.

I wonder if someone has mentioned to them that they should have charged given it’s gone from hosting a friend to providing a free holiday for a stranger.

Having read your update I'm even more astounded at their CFery 😳

I'd cut my losses if I were you & have a lovely holiday somewhere you'll be relaxed and welcomed

Sounds like they're very well off and possibly oblivious that £500 is not small change?

I’d just suck it up and pay the 500 pounds and draw a line under it. It is very rude of them to invite you to stay and then announce a charge at the last minute. I definitely wouldn’t give them any gifts as you are paying.

Having read what you did for their dd @ploomo I don't think these are good friends.
In fact they're cf's.
Which is why they have such a good pension pot!

Your actions really depend on what you would like to achieve in future in terms of this friendship. If you want to preserve the friendship with this couple I would go and pay £500 requested. It is up to your friend if she wants to join, but you should still go and pay. If they don't take the money then give them that nice bottle of whisky you bought.
If you are offended to the extent of not wanting to see them again then cancel the holiday.

There is absolutely NO WAY I would stay with them.

Paying to be their guest.

No way.

I think they are extremely crass to have come back.

I would say that upon reflection, now that it has become a paying holiday you will stay independently with your friend elsewhere and hope to give them a call sometime over the holiday.

I would not be impressed AT ALL.

I can understand why you asked could your friend come too.

They should have said they preferred not.
Doing this is tacky.

As for the whisky and foods? Enjoy.