Friend has decided to charge me to stay

[ploomo]

I have friends (a retired couple) who have several times over the last few years urged me to come and stay with them. They have a very nice old house in the Settle area, with a separate 2-bedroom cottage in the gardens. Since they moved in 2016 it's always been 'Come and stay, we're so lucky to have this place and we want to share it. You can spend time with us but come and go as you please.' Earlier this year they invited me to come in September and I said yes and booked a week's leave.

I have another friend who was due to go away to Greece the same week but cancelled because of potential Covid complications. So I contacted my friends and asked how they would feel if my friend came with me. I emailed saying that I would be very happy to pay to rent the cottage as I would be bringing a stranger, and that we'd bring our own bedding and linen and leave the place scrupulously clean for the next occupants — basically, wanting to cause them as little work or hassle as possible. They emailed back saying they wouldn't take any money, any friend of mine was a friend of theirs. They said they'd host us both for dinner the first night and they'd take us out one day to a place they love, and that we could all go to the pub another night if we liked — but apart from that they just want us to have a good time.

That was more than a month ago. I spent about £150 on some special whisky I know they like and I've ordered some posh local artisan charcuterie and other goodies for them. This morning I've had an email from them saying that now they've had time to think about it, they feel that 'we would like to ask you and your friend to contribute £500 for your stay to cover electricity and other costs. We know that you will leave the place cleaner than you found it which is why we are happy to offer it at a reduced rate.'

I know that over the summer it's been let out for up to £1000 a week, so I suppose this is a good deal but I feel really sick and actually quite shaky about it. It's something about being offered a gift, a sign of appreciation and friendship, and then having it snatched back. I feel I can't really ask my friend to stump up the cash having told her it was free, so I'll have to foot the bill. If it wasn't for my friend really looking forward to it I'd tell them I couldn't come, but I'm going to have to go because of her.

Have they behaved badly or am I over-reacting? Who's BU —me or them?

Honorable, decent people don't keep changing the rules of engagement.

Err...

I have never visited before. They have invited me several times but I've never been able to fit a visit in since they moved in nearly five years ago.

This should have been in your op.

They invited you to come and see them as friends.

You couldn't be bothered to visit them in 5 years.

Earlier this year they invited me to come in September

Even after 5 years of you not bothering with them they extended another invite to you to visit them. Not to use their property for a free holiday - to visit them as a friend.

You accepted on that basis.

Then you threw it back in their face by deciding to use them for a freebie holiday for you and your mate instead.

You have been extremely rude and hurtful.

You can spend time with us but come and go as you please

This doesn't mean 'come and exploit us', they were offering reassurance that you wouldn't be in each other's pockets 24/7 if you visited to try and encourage you to come and see them. Same as groups of friends going away together might book adjacent cottages or do a few activities apart so everyone has sufficient breathing space.

At no point have they ever invited you to use their accommodation to provide your mates with free holidays. They offered you somewhere to stay whilst visiting them as a friend to save you paying for accommodation in order to see them.

I gave them ample opportunity to get out of saying yes to my friend coming with me. I said they only had to say that they it didn't suit them and I wouldn't mention it again and no offence would be taken. Instead they said that she was welcome and any friend of mine was a friend of theirs.

You should not have put them in the position of having to say no I'm the first place! How can you not get that?

You put them on the spot. I expect they were shocked and may not have initially realised what you were saying. They tried to be kind to you and then with time to reflect realised they were being used. You're not going as their friend to visit them, you're going on holiday with your mate and want to use their accommodation.

Your nose is out of joint because you thought you'd wrangled a free holiday for you and your mate, and now you're embarrassed at being caught out for your poor behaviour - not because they've been wrong to offer you a 50% discount for your holiday, which is very generous considering your hurtful treatment of them.

I would make other arrangements for a break if you can. Charging you leaves a sour taste and so will you objecting to it.

I think they have probably initially been OK with friend (maybe a bit taken aback/disappointed that the dynamic would be different) but have gradually stewed over it and worked themselves up into a state off pissed-off-ness.

My MIL had a lovely holiday cottage in Wales and she'd invite/urge people to go and use it but if she didn't feel they had bowed and scraped with gratitude sufficiently she would then suddenly decide they needed to pay. She tried it with us once when we'd spent a few days at her cottage including doing numerous DIY jobs. My husband retorted that she should deduct it from what we'd bill her for all the work we'd done!

My MIL had a lovely holiday cottage in Wales and she'd invite/urge people to go and use it but if she didn't feel they had bowed and scraped with gratitude sufficiently she would then suddenly decide they needed to pay.

That's totally different but explains why you're projecting.

This is not a "please go and use our holiday property without us" offer - this was a "please come and visit us, we miss you" offer.

Which the op has thrown back in their faces by wanting to use for her own holiday instead of going to visit them.

@icedcoffees

I think they, understandably, feel a bit used and taken advantage of.

The invitation wasn't for you plus a friend, it was for you - presumably so you could get a break and spend time with your friends. Adding an unknown person changes the dynamic and switches it from a friendly meet-up to them becoming your hosts.

I don't think they should have charged you once they said they wouldn't, BUT I think you were a CF to ask to bring a friend along. That's really rude imo.

I host people fairly regularly and I don't regard it as at all cheeky if someone brings a friend. It can make it much easier, as a host, if there are two people. A single guest often requires a lot more from their host that two. A single guest will often want to be taken to places and shown around, while two of them together can go off and explore. A single guest has only the host to talk to (sometimes endlessly) while a pair pf guests can talk to each other. A single guest can be very intense. You can say to two guests 'How about you go down to the pub/ cafe / shops/ cinema for an hour or two?' while it's more difficult to turf a single guest out to get a little breathing space.

My friend has been googling and thinks she's found an AirBnB en-suite room about half a mile from my friends' house. It would work out cheaper than £500. She's wondering about booking it. Then I could tell my friends in Settle that it's okay, I'm coming on my own and then we'll see if they still plan to charge me £500. It's a good revenge in theory but can't help wondering if in practice it'll get awfully complicated.

@1forAll74

YES, this is a bit of a come down, and quite unreasonable of them, They saw you as a friend, but now a customer as you want to bring another person with you. Pound signs ringing in their ears now, and not a jolly, friendly get together with just you.

OP changed the dynamics first by deciding to invite a friend to say on their property, though.

It's no longer a "jolly, friendly get together" when your friend has decided your company isn't enough, so they need to bring a total stranger to stay in your home too!

Sorry. I missed your last post OP.

(In that your chum is happy to pay)

It would all have soured things for me but if I were to go, I would treat it as if I were staying in a hotel. I don’t think I would want to socialise with your very gracious hosts.

Just like I wouldn’t be going out on the lash with the hotel manager just because I was staying in room 114…

I think the problem here is that you offered to pay the going rate to bring a friend and use the cottage for your joint holiday.

That's not at all the same as going to stay with the couple as friends, using the cottage instead of a spare room.

Now your friends have offered you a 50% discount but that's not good enough for you.

So why did you offer to pay when you clearly didn't mean it? That's prime cheeky fuckery right there!!

And missed the newest post too.

Book the air B&B.

So they've stayed with you several times, how much of a deep clean did they do before they left?

I agree with cancelling so that they can let it out, present it to them as being out of consideration for them because you realise that they will be losing £500 if you stay.

I host people fairly regularly and I don't regard it as at all cheeky if someone brings a friend. It can make it much easier, as a host, if there are two people. A single guest often requires a lot more from their host that two. A single guest will often want to be taken to places and shown around, while two of them together can go off and explore. A single guest has only the host to talk to (sometimes endlessly) while a pair pf guests can talk to each other. A single guest can be very intense. You can say to two guests 'How about you go down to the pub/ cafe / shops/ cinema for an hour or two?' while it's more difficult to turf a single guest out to get a little breathing space.

But most of that wouldn't be an issue here, as you've said you'd be in a cottage alone, not staying in their house with them.

Your friend invited YOU to stay. Not you and a random person they've never met before.

Yeah, you should probably both stay elsewhere now as it's beginning to sound very 'us versus them' and will probably blow up anyway after you spend the night laughing at them and drinking all the whiskey.

I do appreciate you offering me use of your cottage

They didn't offer use of their cottage - nowhere does it say that.

They invited the op to come and visit them.

Big difference.

I’m thinking about this further.

As I said, I think they were wrong to change their offer to you later in the day.

However, I’ve also reflected on the nature of your relationship with them.

You haven’t been a good friend, in the sense of not going to see them for 5 years. You are still not going to see them purely for their company, but for a holiday with your friend. I can see why they might have felt a bit used when they thought about this more.

People with holiday properties or homes in holiday locations often feel like this. People want to visit essentially for a free holiday. They get far more visitors than if they lived somewhere else. And often people visit and have full it I are of holiday activities planned and haven’t really factored in spending much time with the hosts. Sometimes they seem to expect a full hotel service…bedding, meals etc and no reciprocation. They never invite the others back for a weekend at theirs, or don’t even take the hosts out for meals etc.

I still think it was wrong if the friends to change the terms of the offer of accommodation. However, I can start to see how their feelings towards ‘friend’ who is OP started to change. They reflected on her as a friend and how she’d not shown all that much friendship for 5 years and was still not coming purely for them, but with a friend and that they had lots planned. However, a saving grace for Op, which I think is relevant here, is that she says she speaks to them every month. If this really is the case, it is more of a genuine friendship. Lots of people though, just want to see ‘friends’ when it’s convenient.

Genuine friends do out up with each others’ errors of judgement though. Op has to decide both if she want the holiday but also if she wants to nurture this friendship. There isn’t a right answer here.

If you value the friendship then I wouldn’t cancel as this just cements the idea that you are only after a freebie.

Don’t go for a complicated version where your friend books the AirBnB and you see if friend will charge you to go.

Either suck it up and go for the holiday and spend time with your friends, and forgive their error of judgement, or politely turn it down. Be the bigger person here.

@legoriakelne

My MIL had a lovely holiday cottage in Wales and she'd invite/urge people to go and use it but if she didn't feel they had bowed and scraped with gratitude sufficiently she would then suddenly decide they needed to pay.

That's totally different but explains why you're projecting.

This is not a "please go and use our holiday property without us" offer - this was a "please come and visit us, we miss you" offer.

Which the op has thrown back in their faces by wanting to use for her own holiday instead of going to visit them.

*This is not a "please go and use our holiday property without us" offer - this was a "please come and visit us, we miss you" offer.

Which the op has thrown back in their faces by wanting to use for her own holiday instead of going to visit them.*

So wrong! I'll still see them as much as I would have done if I'd been there on my own. And they will have the knowledge that when they tire of my company, or want to go off for the day to a golf tournament or volunteering at the hospital or whatever it is they do, they won't be leaving me on my own to amuse myself.

You make it sound as if a visit is a horrible duty and not to be enjoyed. Of course it's a holiday. I'm taking annual leave and going away and was offered, and expected, a pleasant time.

My friend has been googling and thinks she's found an AirBnB en-suite room about half a mile from my friends' house. It would work out cheaper than £500. She's wondering about booking it. Then I could tell my friends in Settle that it's okay, I'm coming on my own and then we'll see if they still plan to charge me £500. It's a good revenge in theory but can't help wondering if in practice it'll get awfully complicated.

Oh dear....

Don't do this and talk of revenge is pretty nasty.

This situation occurred in the first place by you inviting a friend.

By doing so you've made your friends feel used.

That might not have been your intention but it's the result.

You choice is to pay and go (but ditch the whiskey) or to cancel.

Either way try and be gracious about it but FFS don't complicate this further).

Would you have still gone if they had said no to your friend?

@icedcoffees

I host people fairly regularly and I don't regard it as at all cheeky if someone brings a friend. It can make it much easier, as a host, if there are two people. A single guest often requires a lot more from their host that two. A single guest will often want to be taken to places and shown around, while two of them together can go off and explore. A single guest has only the host to talk to (sometimes endlessly) while a pair pf guests can talk to each other. A single guest can be very intense. You can say to two guests 'How about you go down to the pub/ cafe / shops/ cinema for an hour or two?' while it's more difficult to turf a single guest out to get a little breathing space.

But most of that wouldn't be an issue here, as you've said you'd be in a cottage alone, not staying in their house with them.

Your friend invited YOU to stay. Not you and a random person they've never met before.

Exactly. And this update simply demonstrates that you clearly understood exactly what they meant by the comment about coming and going as you please - they were reassuring you that you would have breathing space.

It's a good revenge in theory but can't help wondering if in practice it'll get awfully complicated.

I was trying to give you the benefit of the doubt that this was an innocent mistake, but now you're behaving like an entitled brat there is no room for doubt.

You're the one who has treated them badly and now you're talking about taking "revenge" on them for not giving you what you want? What is wrong with you?

So wrong! I'll still see them as much as I would have done if I'd been there on my own. And they will have the knowledge that when they tire of my company, or want to go off for the day to a golf tournament or volunteering at the hospital or whatever it is they do, they won't be leaving me on my own to amuse myself.

But the entire dynamic will change for them, and you don't seem to appreciate that. They wanted to see YOU and catch up with YOU, not play host to someone that's a total stranger to them.

They can go off for the day anyway - you're staying in a cottage alone, not in their home - so the addition of your friend doesn't change that. But they wanted to have dinner with you, spend time with you on a day out etc - adding a third party into the mix will pretty much always mess up the dynamics of that.

By bringing a friend they don’t know, you turned it from a “stay with friends” to a “free holiday”

You were the one making that change, further indicated by you offering to pay rent

The person who changed this was you

You were trying to be generous (to your friend)with someone else’s property (with little cost to yourself)

It did not work out as you hoped but even though it’s annoying, J am sure you can see their point of view?

I think they are calling your bluff! They would rather rent it out to someone else and get £1,000 from a last minute booking than worry about upsetting you. They are hoping you will be offended by the £500 and not stay in the cottage. Call their bluff, pay the £500, have a holiday with your friend and then moving forward have nothing more to do with the cottage couple.

You make it sound as if a visit is a horrible duty and not to be enjoyed. Of course it's a holiday. I'm taking annual leave and going away and was offered, and expected, a pleasant time.

Of course it's a holiday, but it's a holiday in someone else's home, and that normally means there are certain conditions attached to it. In this case, the "condition" was that they invited you alone, not you and a stranger.

I would suck it up and split the £500.

Don't go complicating things out of principle, you'll just look a twat and after-all it's still very reasonable.
You can always return the gifts and take your friends a few bottles of wine instead.