Friend has decided to charge me to stay

[ploomo]

I have friends (a retired couple) who have several times over the last few years urged me to come and stay with them. They have a very nice old house in the Settle area, with a separate 2-bedroom cottage in the gardens. Since they moved in 2016 it's always been 'Come and stay, we're so lucky to have this place and we want to share it. You can spend time with us but come and go as you please.' Earlier this year they invited me to come in September and I said yes and booked a week's leave.

I have another friend who was due to go away to Greece the same week but cancelled because of potential Covid complications. So I contacted my friends and asked how they would feel if my friend came with me. I emailed saying that I would be very happy to pay to rent the cottage as I would be bringing a stranger, and that we'd bring our own bedding and linen and leave the place scrupulously clean for the next occupants — basically, wanting to cause them as little work or hassle as possible. They emailed back saying they wouldn't take any money, any friend of mine was a friend of theirs. They said they'd host us both for dinner the first night and they'd take us out one day to a place they love, and that we could all go to the pub another night if we liked — but apart from that they just want us to have a good time.

That was more than a month ago. I spent about £150 on some special whisky I know they like and I've ordered some posh local artisan charcuterie and other goodies for them. This morning I've had an email from them saying that now they've had time to think about it, they feel that 'we would like to ask you and your friend to contribute £500 for your stay to cover electricity and other costs. We know that you will leave the place cleaner than you found it which is why we are happy to offer it at a reduced rate.'

I know that over the summer it's been let out for up to £1000 a week, so I suppose this is a good deal but I feel really sick and actually quite shaky about it. It's something about being offered a gift, a sign of appreciation and friendship, and then having it snatched back. I feel I can't really ask my friend to stump up the cash having told her it was free, so I'll have to foot the bill. If it wasn't for my friend really looking forward to it I'd tell them I couldn't come, but I'm going to have to go because of her.

Have they behaved badly or am I over-reacting? Who's BU —me or them?

I though perhaps there was a way to extend my Settle friends' kindness to include her
You can’t unilaterally decide how someone else shows their kindness .

I get that you have been a good friend to them but this could cause your friendship to sour .

I don’t think inviting the friend complicated things - or if it did, it’s their fault for being deceivingly enthusiastic about it

What ever you do you won't feel the same about them. I think I'd graciously bow out saying you feel like you are depriving them of the full market rate and go somewhere else with your friend that you actually want to do. Their reaction will tell you how they feel about you as a friend.

They were unreasonable to change their minds at the last-minute when you had offered to pay etc. I wouldn't want to go and have an awkward meet up and then resent having to clean etc after a less than enjoyable holiday. £500 would cover costs several times over.

now that it has become a paying holiday you will stay independently with your friend elsewhere

This makes it sound as if you were only going because it was free and paying for somewhere else to stay rather than paying the friend is a bit like sticking two fingers up at them.

I think i would send a similar message to theirs ie on reflection.......you'll give it a miss......i think it would be embarrassing, you're bringing duvet, expected to ckean. If its that area you want im sure in September you'll get something else and meet an evening for pub meal without friend. Im sure their daughter would be embarrassed to hear you are being charged after what you did for her. Not to generalise......but i see this a lot with 'older' family members. Think 2k income each month with few bills ie mortgage paid, no debt, etc who constantly cry poverty

I would not go, and if I did then would be very wary of the 'cleaner than you found it' statement. We had very similar situation years ago, offered holiday cottage then asked to pay a 'discounted rate' after all plans were made. Specifically they said they would not be getting the usual clean afterwards. Was very stressful, I spent the entire time worrying about keeping the place spotless even though I was paying a decent amount for the cottage. Never again.

I know that in previous years when they've had family and friends staying in the cottage she's expressed irritation at the amount of effort some people expected them to go to and so I didn't really see that having a friend along to keep me company was such a big deal or would change the dynamic massively. In a way it should have suited them. My friend's pretty independent and will happily taker herself off or enjoy an evening on her own if I want to spend time with them.

WTF is this?! If they invited people to stay of course those people expect to spend the majority of the time with them Who goes to visit someone and spends the most of the time going off doing their own thing? If I invited someone to stay and they did that I'd think them rude and feel they'd used me to avoid booking a hotel. I think your friends like the kudos of appearing to be the generous hosts whilst actually putting in as little effort as possible. My cynical side is wondering if they didn't have a booking for that week so invited you with the intent to make some money out of you. I don't think they're good friends. Do they ever visit others or is the cottage they own an excuse to get everyone to come to them?

This would be the end of the friendship for me and I wouldn't go. I'd say you're sorry but you've committed your funds elsewhere now and you think it's best they rent the cottage out that week because you'd hate to be responsible for them losing out financially. Either return the whiskey and charcuterie for a refund or keep it for yourself. Tell your Greece holiday friend that these others have stitched you up regarding costs so you'll no longer be going. Were you planning any sort of holiday that costs or were you only going because you thought it was free? Either ask Greece friend if they'd like to go on a holiday elsewhere and you split the bill (for £500 you can find somewhere the pair of you aren't expected to do the cleaning!), or tell her you've no money but you've got some lovely fancy food and whiskey to share if she's happy to pay for a couple of days in a hotel.

Your last update shows what a good friend you have been to them. It sounds like they have short memories about the favours you have done for them. Cheeky gits.

I would find an alternative accommodation near them and say - thanks for your offer, but I have found somewhere nearby for my friend and I which is cheaper/suits us both. Then visit them for dinner one night, take them out for dinner one night. No whiskey needed! Then if meet up after that you can both pay your own way, as your visit is costing them nothing.

I would, however, charge them or their family to visit you in the future. Tell them you realised, after their £500 to visit them, that you realise it is now acceptable to charge!,

In your place, I'd make excuses and back out of it.

I don't think there is anything wrong with your friends charging but they are wrong to have said they were not going to and then changing their minds. That's very unpleasant.

Find somewhere else to go with your friend.

I think they've been unreasonable - I'm surprised that so many people don't think so. If they wanted to charge you they should have said so straight after your email about bringing a friend rather than all this 'any friend of yours is a friend of mine'. £500 is a lot too, you'll hardly be spending that on utilities will you. I'd just say that you and your friend have had second thoughts and want to go and do something else instead, but thanks for the offer.

I think that as they have suddenly decided to charge you shows that they have taken umbrage to your friend staying.
I really can't see any other reason for this change?
Personally i wouldn't go as you certainly won't enjoy your time there and will feel resentment towards them thus making it hard to relax.
Perhaps cancel with them rebook something else and chalk it up to experience.

I'd make an excuse and cancel graciously as it's going to niggle you the whole time by the sounds of it. I'd not fall out completely though if you've been good friends for years before this so maybe still let the posh cuts be delivered as a gift if its a local service.

You and your pal will find something for £500 in September too where you wont feel beholden to spending time/pub meals with your hosts.

For those who say your df's have changed their mind because you're taking a friend.
I live in a tourist place and have had friends of friends stay.
As long as they make an effort with me and contribute to the booze that we drink I'm happy.

And yes even my best friend will amuse herself a couple of days whilst I catch up on general life administration and chores.
The last thing I want is to visit the same attraction for the 3rd time this season!

I had their daughter and her toddler stay for several nights at one point when she and her partner were splitting up. She would have gone to her parents' home but they were away and she didn't have keys. So she came here and then I drove them the 300 miles to her mum and dad. I didn't intend to mention it, but that's the kind of awful friend I've been to them and their family.

That's a lovely thing to do, but it's not connected to this situation at all.

Yes, you did a nice thing, but they're not obliged to return that kindness by hosting a stranger in their home.

If u want to keep the friendship pay the £500 and go. Ifnotcancel politely

Just seen your recent update Op about the nature of your friendship and fact they’ve stayed with you several times.

I think it’s all relevant to the story and would have helped us form an informed opinion earlier on.

The fact you’ve hosted them over the years and seen them regularly (it sounded before like you just spoke on phone) does change things. You sound like you’ve been fairly close and at least regular friends. The fact your hosted them makes them asking for money late in the day, even more surprising than it already was.

The thing is, unless you tell us, we don’t know all the ins and outs of your specific friendship. We do all know other people who have had CF friends try to extract money from them, but also people with holiday let’s who’ve been taken advantage of by friends. It’s hard to give a sensible opinion without more context.

In the end, the same issue remains….do you want to keep the friendship. It’s not really about the £500. You can choose to make it about the £500 and say you won’t go because of the surprise cost, which essentially will end the friendship, or you can suck up the cost (paid by you or shared with friend…..I know you weren’t expecting to pay anything and that’s the key point, but in terms of cost of accommodation, I think you’d struggle to get a whole cottage anywhere for £500 per week at the moment as an alternative) and maintain the friendship.

They have had a lapse of judgement here In asking for money Kate in day, after turning down your early offer. It’s an even bigger lapse of judgement, given you’ve hosted them several times. But can you forgive it, for the sake of friendship? That’s the thing.

Some people won’t put up with any ‘error’ from friends. Any sign of CF behaviour, however small, and they cut them off. Other people are more forgiving, especially for old firmed and especially if the error of judgement is a one-off. It’s up to you to decide if you want to brush over this error of judgement for the sake of an old friendship or not.

So I contacted my friends and asked how they would feel if my friend came with me. I emailed saying that I would be very happy to pay to rent the cottage as I would be bringing a stranger, and that we'd bring our own bedding and linen and leave the place scrupulously clean for the next occupants

You OFFERED to Pay..

they accepted ...

Why did you Offer to Pay AND Clean if you really are offended by them accepting ..

I am afraid I think this has been caused by the asking of a friend.

OP offered and they said no. OP then splurged on whiskey and other goodies for them
They are cf

I would message them. And say that you understand but sadly you can't afford that just now. But maybe could possibly make it another time when you have been able to save a little. (Basically telling them to pee off) but in a kind way so it does not cause an actual fall out .

I think they’re being completely unreasonable- this, as you say, puts you in an awkward position with your friend. No problem charging £500 but they should have told you this straight away or stuck to their initial offer.

To be honest I think you took the piss by inviting a friend even if you offered to pay. They wanted YOU to come and stay but probably felt you wanted to use them as a holiday getaway which I would definitely feel bad about

So I think they were just trying to turn it into a business transaction that you also took it as

Although I would have been upfront with you and said how I felt not charging you later

It's both your fault

I do think that it changes the dynamic with you bringing a friend and this is what has upset them, hence charging you.

I do think however that they shouldn't have asked for money so soon before the trip - they should have let you know much sooner.

I would cancel and tell them that you can't afford the cost, and you understand that bringing a friend has changed things, so you'll cancel.