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Original poster

Friend has decided to charge me to stay

999 replies

ploomo · 29/08/2021 13:25

I have friends (a retired couple) who have several times over the last few years urged me to come and stay with them. They have a very nice old house in the Settle area, with a separate 2-bedroom cottage in the gardens. Since they moved in 2016 it's always been 'Come and stay, we're so lucky to have this place and we want to share it. You can spend time with us but come and go as you please.' Earlier this year they invited me to come in September and I said yes and booked a week's leave.

I have another friend who was due to go away to Greece the same week but cancelled because of potential Covid complications. So I contacted my friends and asked how they would feel if my friend came with me. I emailed saying that I would be very happy to pay to rent the cottage as I would be bringing a stranger, and that we'd bring our own bedding and linen and leave the place scrupulously clean for the next occupants — basically, wanting to cause them as little work or hassle as possible. They emailed back saying they wouldn't take any money, any friend of mine was a friend of theirs. They said they'd host us both for dinner the first night and they'd take us out one day to a place they love, and that we could all go to the pub another night if we liked — but apart from that they just want us to have a good time.

That was more than a month ago. I spent about £150 on some special whisky I know they like and I've ordered some posh local artisan charcuterie and other goodies for them. This morning I've had an email from them saying that now they've had time to think about it, they feel that 'we would like to ask you and your friend to contribute £500 for your stay to cover electricity and other costs. We know that you will leave the place cleaner than you found it which is why we are happy to offer it at a reduced rate.'

I know that over the summer it's been let out for up to £1000 a week, so I suppose this is a good deal but I feel really sick and actually quite shaky about it. It's something about being offered a gift, a sign of appreciation and friendship, and then having it snatched back. I feel I can't really ask my friend to stump up the cash having told her it was free, so I'll have to foot the bill. If it wasn't for my friend really looking forward to it I'd tell them I couldn't come, but I'm going to have to go because of her.

Have they behaved badly or am I over-reacting? Who's BU —me or them?

OP posts:
WimpoleHat · 30/08/2021 18:59

@SpringlikeBunk Far more poetic, I agree! 🤣

Bonnieonthelam · 30/08/2021 19:03

I think the friend element has complicated things for them. They probably thought you were going to spend time with them. Now that your friend is coming you obviously aren’t going to be spending that time and they probably feel aggrieved thst you may be using them. This £500 is a warning not to do that again. Personally I would never invite a guest to somewhere where I have a personal invite.

Having said that, in their position I could never charge you that amount when the initial invite was free. You’ve just complicated things and who knows if you might do it again, in their eyes.

wellstopdoingitthen · 30/08/2021 19:07

That's a mean thing for them to do. It sounds like they have a potential booking in the pipeline.

I wouldn't want to go now as I'd feel irritated & awkward about it the whole time. Book a nice spa break with your friend & drink the whiskey (or return & spend it on something else).

Sounds like they may enjoy the control of being able to invite people then brag about it. I know a few like that.

Bleachmycloths · 30/08/2021 19:10

Their take on it might be: inviting you makes them feel generous; you inviting a friend makes them feel used.
I’m not saying you’re using them at all but it’s possibly how they feel

Hiphopboppertybop99 · 30/08/2021 19:10

Is it just me or am I missing something? I'll be honest HRTFT... but have read quite a bit of it.
OP asks holiday home owners (HHO), can I bring a friend, we'll pay, bring own bed linen etc.
HHO - Say of course but there's no need to pay.
OP says thank you.
HHO - then rescind the offer of non payment.
Am I the only one that thinks that's a bit off to do that? HHO had the opportunity to say of course bring your friend, we'll charge mates rate of £500.
All this about it changing the dynamics of the OP visit ?? What?? She has said they're quite happy to leave her to do her own thing the majority of the time.
@ploomo it's a good job you can afford the £500 - I'm not quite sure what I'd do with the gifts I'm torn between not giving them as your trip is now costing you £500 more, and handing them over and thanking them for their generosity??
Out of interest did you ask why they've suddenly decided to charge you and not let you know sooner. Apologies if you have already answered this.
Would you visit the area if it weren't for your 'friends' living there? You could go back to them and say you're happy to find a hotel if they want to get their full rental potential if you still want to go.

EezyOozy · 30/08/2021 19:12

I would just tell them you can't afford it, return the whisky and eat the other thing.

IntermittentParps · 30/08/2021 19:17

Ironic that you're posting about comprehension problems ... the people who could come and go were family, not the OP.

Eliza, unfortunately you have misunderstood. The OP says ‘Since they moved in 2016 it's always been 'Come and stay, we're so lucky to have this place and we want to share it. You can spend time with us but come and go as you please.'

PaperTrails · 30/08/2021 19:27

They are Giles and Minty in my head now as per an excellent PP!

It's sad as you obviously go back a long way with them, OP. But it seems maybe the relationship has changed for them. They moved away, retired, met new people, grandchildren, a new phase of life.
You've remained a genuine 5 star friend to them OP. You took in their daughter and grandchild when they were in a tough spot. And then drove them 300 miles to the house. That's a lot of time and emotional and practical support. And a 600 mile round trip.
I don't sense Giles and Minty would put themselves out to help you and yours in a similar situation. Maybe once but not now.
I'd be cancelling and booking somewhere else with my other friend. She sounds like a good egg and very funny too.
After the dust has settled on this you can see how you feel about keeping up the relationship in the same way. Only you will know whether it's changed how you feel about them or not.

NorthLodgeAvenue · 30/08/2021 19:32

Damn bad luck for Binki and Minty to be lumbered with 2 gals at the tail end of the season.
Garlic sausage just won't cut it.

And Giles with his undercarriage in such a bad way.
Still, every cloud and all that....

MaMelon · 30/08/2021 19:34

@NorthLodgeAvenue - you are very wicked Grin

Original poster
ploomo · 30/08/2021 19:45

I phoned them. I said the mixed messages were unlike them and I wondered what was going on. Apparently there's been a cock-up: their DIL and her sister and children have been double-booked for the same week as us and there's been a face-off situation from the sound of it.

They would have had me to stay with them in their home if I'd been on my own but she says that she understands that me and not-going-to-Greece friend would prefer the independence of a separate space. Plus she says we were supposed to be having an adult-only get-together and she didn't think I'd appreciate having the grandchildren there. Which is absolutely true.

They know people in the area who have what she called a swanky holiday let and it's available for the week I and not-Greece friend are on leave. Apparently it has a hot tub and is 5*. They booked it provisionally, thinking that me and not-Greece friend could go there. My guess is that once DIL heard about it there were ructions. I have no idea how much a swanky cottage costs but along the way someone thought it was reasonable to get me/ us to put £500 up against the cost of the swanky place. Or maybe we would have paid £500 and got the garden cottage while the DIL got the swanky hot tub.

Anyway, Settle friend didn't say it wasn't her that sent yesterday's email but she hinted strongly that someone had acted without consulting her. How someone else can send an email from her account I don't know. I tried asking a couple of questions and she told me (nicely) not to go there because it was all too fraught.

Because of all the people on here telling me I was a CF for asking if my holiday-less friend could come along too I said that I assumed they had regretted saying yes to her and that was why they wanted money and she has assured me that no, my friend is very welcome, no problem at all, any friend of mine is a friend of theirs etc.

Anyway, I've called the trip off and I think she was relieved. It's too complicated. I had no idea whether we were still expected to pay or which place we'd end up in and if they are preoccupied with the grandchildren it'll be difficult to have quality adult time together.

Not-Greece-friend has already found cottages in Wells-by-the-Sea in Norfolk and near Salcombe and so all is not lost. And we have the whisky and an awful lot of chorizo and lardo etc to get through.

So I think it's an okay ending. I think everyone can walk away feeling phew, lucky escape. I had a large gin before making the call, by the way, and now a glass of wine so if this seems a bit incoherent it is.

@Words, would you please write the conversation Minty and Nigel had after my phone call. You should be writing sitcoms. Do you write sitcoms? Are you Graham Linehan? Off to get some food.

OP posts:
exaltedwombat · 30/08/2021 19:50

It's not an unreasonable deal. But they made a different deal, and should stick to it.

Lunificent · 30/08/2021 19:52

I knew it was a family thing. Glad you’ve hopefully salvaged the friendship.

dcthatsme · 30/08/2021 19:53

Sounds like you've avoided a minefield...Have a lovely time in Wells!

phishy · 30/08/2021 19:53

Anyway, Settle friend didn't say it wasn't her that sent yesterday's email but she hinted strongly that someone had acted without consulting her. How someone else can send an email from her account I don't know. I tried asking a couple of questions and she told me (nicely) not to go there because it was all too fraught.

I’m not buying it, she sent the email but doesn’t to admit it and she doesn’t to go there because her explanation eon’t stand up to scrutiny.

Glad it’s resolved, I wouldn’t be doing these people any more favours.

Lunificent · 30/08/2021 19:54

If you go to North Norfolk, eat at the White Horse at Brancaster Staithe. It’s very picturesque.

Darthwader · 30/08/2021 19:56

They invited you and then uninvited you basically. Your new holiday sounds much more fun.

Lockdownbear · 30/08/2021 19:58

@ploomo I'm glad you've spoken. I'm still not convinced that the story is straight but at least you've cleared the air. Although I think the Seetle friend should have called rather than all that pish about bills.

Not entirely sure I'd trust them or go out your way for them again.

ChequerBoard · 30/08/2021 19:59

But again, as in the update, there would not have been an issue if OP hadn't rudely added an unknown extra to the invite list.

phishy · 30/08/2021 20:01

@ChequerBoard

But again, as in the update, there would not have been an issue if OP hadn't rudely added an unknown extra to the invite list.
Of course there would have been an issue. Part of the attraction of the trip for OP was staying in the separate accomodation, which is no longer available.
CrankyFrankie · 30/08/2021 20:01

I genuinely don’t understand why taking a friend would complicate it. Would everyone be saying that if it were a partner, old or new?

Maybe you were too explicit with your offer of X money (?)

I’d probably tell them not to worry about it (nicely, to preserve ties), cancel/refund/drink the treats and get a last minute deal somewhere else.

Then, hopefully, they’ll realise they were rude; you won’t feel resentful; and next time you see them the slate will be nice and shiny and clean!

(I MIGHT otherwise have given them the passive aggressive/hair trigger version with all the details and awkwardness, but that depends on the medium of communication and being able to react immediately. Also, I’m a gobby cow).

Tomatina · 30/08/2021 20:03

Not surprised you feel upset. There's a basic principle here: you don't charge your friends to come and stay. That's not how it works! This couple are treating this like a business transaction. It's horrible and bizarre, and if they couldn't afford to lose the rent then they shouldn't have invited you in the first place. When you go to stay with a friend you usually bring a present, and you certainly take the friend/s out to dinner, but of course you do not expect to be charged for accommodation!

sunglassesonthetable · 30/08/2021 20:03

Chequer you're like a broken record. And not really sure what you're even getting at since Settle mates said it was fine , again.

*Because of all the people on here telling me I was a CF for asking if my holiday-less friend could come along too I said that I assumed they had regretted saying yes to her and that was why they wanted money and she has assured me that no, my friend is very welcome, no problem at all, any friend of mine is a friend of theirs etc.
*
🙄🙄🙄

CrankyFrankie · 30/08/2021 20:05

Ah just seen your update OP. Well done you!

phishy · 30/08/2021 20:06

@CrankyFrankie

I genuinely don’t understand why taking a friend would complicate it. Would everyone be saying that if it were a partner, old or new?

Maybe you were too explicit with your offer of X money (?)

I’d probably tell them not to worry about it (nicely, to preserve ties), cancel/refund/drink the treats and get a last minute deal somewhere else.

Then, hopefully, they’ll realise they were rude; you won’t feel resentful; and next time you see them the slate will be nice and shiny and clean!

(I MIGHT otherwise have given them the passive aggressive/hair trigger version with all the details and awkwardness, but that depends on the medium of communication and being able to react immediately. Also, I’m a gobby cow).

It’s all ben resolved now!