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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend has decided to charge me to stay

999 replies

ploomo · 29/08/2021 13:25

I have friends (a retired couple) who have several times over the last few years urged me to come and stay with them. They have a very nice old house in the Settle area, with a separate 2-bedroom cottage in the gardens. Since they moved in 2016 it's always been 'Come and stay, we're so lucky to have this place and we want to share it. You can spend time with us but come and go as you please.' Earlier this year they invited me to come in September and I said yes and booked a week's leave.

I have another friend who was due to go away to Greece the same week but cancelled because of potential Covid complications. So I contacted my friends and asked how they would feel if my friend came with me. I emailed saying that I would be very happy to pay to rent the cottage as I would be bringing a stranger, and that we'd bring our own bedding and linen and leave the place scrupulously clean for the next occupants — basically, wanting to cause them as little work or hassle as possible. They emailed back saying they wouldn't take any money, any friend of mine was a friend of theirs. They said they'd host us both for dinner the first night and they'd take us out one day to a place they love, and that we could all go to the pub another night if we liked — but apart from that they just want us to have a good time.

That was more than a month ago. I spent about £150 on some special whisky I know they like and I've ordered some posh local artisan charcuterie and other goodies for them. This morning I've had an email from them saying that now they've had time to think about it, they feel that 'we would like to ask you and your friend to contribute £500 for your stay to cover electricity and other costs. We know that you will leave the place cleaner than you found it which is why we are happy to offer it at a reduced rate.'

I know that over the summer it's been let out for up to £1000 a week, so I suppose this is a good deal but I feel really sick and actually quite shaky about it. It's something about being offered a gift, a sign of appreciation and friendship, and then having it snatched back. I feel I can't really ask my friend to stump up the cash having told her it was free, so I'll have to foot the bill. If it wasn't for my friend really looking forward to it I'd tell them I couldn't come, but I'm going to have to go because of her.

Have they behaved badly or am I over-reacting? Who's BU —me or them?

OP posts:

Poppingmad123 · 30/08/2021 18:01

Are you sure they meant £500 per person or is it £500 for you both?

If it’s for both, I would say OK and see if your friend can go halves with you, else I’d have to reconsider.

£1k on top of travel costs is quite a significant change & it’s really not a nice thing to do if you have already booked your travel.

I can understand they realised they may be out of pocket after initially saying yes but by 1k is ridiculous!

I would just be honest & go back to them and tell them you only invited your friend on the basis it would be free for them. Else they cannot afford to come.

Would they be happy to accept you both on £500 - they might take that or would you be happy to still go alone & pay £500 instead?

They may feel awkward to charge you £500 if on your own now though and it might make things awkward for you both going forward 😬

EspressoDoubleShot · 30/08/2021 18:04

@Konfetka

Whatever happened to honour?

All of the other issues are peripheral.

They should stand by their word.

Op offered to pay, should she stand by that too? Or is it unitary honour only Should op stand by her word?

Balldog · 30/08/2021 18:07

This is down to you OP. They don’t know your friend so why should they allow them a freebie? Anyone with an FHL knows that the property will still have to be deep cleaned because of COVID even if you leave it tidy, which for us is £100. I don’t think £500 is over the top - I think it’s fair.

amispeakingenglish · 30/08/2021 18:09

rent after school holidayz iz cheaper zo £500 iz quite a lot. Agree taking friend changez thingz. Kyboard not working prop.

jwpetal · 30/08/2021 18:11

I was in a similar situation. In the end, I paid for the visit. It was a horrible visit. My 'host' used her own key to come and go. She told us what to do and it wasn't relaxing at all.
My suggestion is to 1. cancel the visit all together. 2. You go on your own (check about the charge) 3. Cancel and book your own place with your friend.
Mixing business with pleasure will more than likely cause a rift.

They have said on reflection that the agreement has changed. You can also do the same. How you would do it is not how they want to do it. Personally, I agree with you nut I have learned that not everyone thinks this way.

Atipipipi · 30/08/2021 18:11

That's what you get for free stuff. You got to pay eventually!!! Nothing is free in thus world.

joles12 · 30/08/2021 18:18

Worth noting that most U.K. holiday places rent out for about double the usual value during July and August than the rest of the year. Therefore potentially the £500 is not that much of a discount from the £1000 they were getting in the summer.

TootsPye · 30/08/2021 18:30

Agree with jwpetal. I wouldn't go. Their good intentions seemed to get muddied up when business mixed with pleasure. They are missing out on income by you and your friend coming to stay but they don't want to say that so they've come up with a compromise. Don't feel you have to go for anyone!

Dnaltocs · 30/08/2021 18:32

Just don’t go. They feel the situation changed and were bold enough to ask you, a friend for money. This is not a friend and not how friends behave. Friends do not ask for money to stay over. Ok you did push the boundaries by inviting another friend but I still can’t see me asking for cash in this situation.
What price friendship?

myusernamewastakenbyme · 30/08/2021 18:33

I wouldn't be able to go now....i'd be annoyed with the hosts and im not very good at hiding when i'm pissed off.

mylifestory · 30/08/2021 18:38

I wdnt go. Take yr friend somewhere else for the same price (i expect less in sept) so u dont have to humour them and do exactly as u please. It wdnt be a holiday anymore. pure greed on their part.

Plumbuddle · 30/08/2021 18:41

I don't think there's a way forward with this friendship, such a shame. You only have to ask yourself what these Settle people would feel about OP if they knew dozens of strangers had been asked effectively to criticise them for their motives and judge their attitude to wealth. I'm not saying they were reasonable either but what a horrible price to pay for a moment of whatever caused their madness.

SpringlikeBunk · 30/08/2021 18:41

Wasn't it the author Bidisha who wrote a travel novel about her stay in Venice with parents of a friend?

she was staying a chunk of time and tried to offer them money/a contribution?

But the very posh/rich/old school hosts were "playing a game" where it was considered very "vulgar" to "accept her offer of money the first time or even the second time round"

"What kind of people did she think they were, they were generous aristocrats etc etc she was their guest, couldn't dream of taking money from her....talking about practical things like money was the height of petty bourgeius (sic) mentality?"

But then they were complaining behind her back because they were actually wanting the cash but "expecting her to forcibly press the money onto them as they protested so they could maintain their pretence of being lofty aristocrats from a good family who ignored things like money"?

Travelodge every time works you know what you get

Roxy69 · 30/08/2021 18:44

@PeanuttyButter

I would cut my nose off to spite my face and not go at all.

Me too. They would cease to be friends too as they are looking to capitalize on the week and it's not a friendly thing to do. I have unfortunately lost 2 long time friends due to absolutely atrocious and disrespectful behaviour I would never have predicted. So in life, these things happen. You also have to rethink taking your friend and apologise for that as it would make my hackles rise, feeling I wasn't good enough.

ChequerBoard · 30/08/2021 18:44

@Dnaltocs

In my view this needs to be rewritten completely.

Just dont go apologise.

They feel the situation changed when you and were bold enough to ask if you could bring a friend along uninvited. for money.

This is not a friend and not how friends behave. Friends do not ask to bring along uninvited extra guests with the intent of getting free holiday accommodation using a friend for money to stay over.

OK You really did push the boundaries by inviting another friend, but I still can't can totally see me asking for-- why they are taking you up on your offer of cash in this situation.

What price friendship?

dcthatsme · 30/08/2021 18:45

If someone is being hospitable they invite you to stay with them so that they can welcome you into their home and hopefully spend time with you and of course they don't charge you any money. You are their guest. Would you have invited your friend along if you'd been staying in your Settle friends' spare room? Just because they put people up in a cottage doesn't mean you aren't their guest. It's still part of their home. Perhaps you have breached some unspoken rule of hospitality by asking a friend along. To charge you when they originally invited you seems like they are upset or annoyed. Perhaps they felt unable to say they didn't want your friend to come. You say they like their personal space a lot. Perhaps it upset them to think someone they don't know would be staying in their cottage. Perhaps they see it as an extension of their home. What an etiquette nightmare! I hope you sort this out. Good luck when you speak to them. Perhaps talking to them openly is the best thing. It could be they're feeling too awkward and upset to be direct about their feelings.

Flatwhitetostayin · 30/08/2021 18:45

Hi op, I have only read your posts, but you seem to be getting a hard time from people who are the type who would look to take offense. If you had a partner that they had never met, I can't imagine they wouldn't have extended a plus one to them. So I don't see an issue with (I presume) a single person bringing a good friend. To me there would be no difference. So I feel the friend being the reason for the change of heart is a bit of a red herring.

You know your friends, and your friendship and clearly something is off. Do you think that you can raise this with them? Or would it be best swept under the carpet.

I hope your friendship survives as it sounds as though you have all been through a lot over the years. But I can imagine it will be tainted by this, which is sad. Do please update us. I am curious as to what you decide to do. X

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 30/08/2021 18:47

What price friendship?

£500 to lose it.

MilesOfSand · 30/08/2021 18:51

[quote EmbarrassingAdmissions]They've shown their true colours, the amount of money they have they didn't need favours from the Op to help their DD or DGC.
I honestly think I'd let this friendship slide.

It's fairly common that well-to-do people can have attitudes to money that baffle other people, especially when it comes to notions of reciprocity.*

If this has been a very long-standing friendship to their shared please over the years I'd be very sad to think it's fractured over one incident that seems bedevilled by awkwardly thought through consequences.

*I've previously described a scenario with an 'inherited' family friend where I declined an offer to pay. (As an update, the flat wasn't let and still isn't.)

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4024399-To-think-people-really-are-CFers-when-it-comes-to-second-hand-items?msgid=100087003[/quote]
Is this the right link?

ERFFER · 30/08/2021 18:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mugglebuggle · 30/08/2021 18:52

I agree, it does sound that they have been approached by someone requiring the dates you are due to visit.
I would book alternative accommodation, as you say, free of obligation and perhaps arrange a brief visit to keep the friendship alive whilst also conveying your reluctance to meet their amended plans.

WimpoleHat · 30/08/2021 18:52

I’m late to this and have only skimmed the whole thread, so apologies if this point has already been made! I sense the hand of a third party - call them X - in this. Your friends were pissed off, or at least discombobulated, by your request to bring another friend they hadn’t met. So much so that they have mentioned this to X. And X has said something like “Oh, that’s so cheeky. You could’ve had £1000 for that week and instead someone you’ve never met is having a holiday at your expense!” And they’ve ruminated on that and worried about it and wondered what to do (hence the delay). And probably X has said “I’d ask for at least half the money; you’re still being very generous to Ploomo, but you’re not being taken for a mug by a stranger.” And that’s why it’s happened and that’s why it’s happened now, later on….

Loopey007 · 30/08/2021 18:55

I would just cancel at the end of the day £500 is a lot of electricity for a week. Really it’s just an excuse after thinking about having your friend as well.
Things change tell your friend they are asking for £500 and you feel let down by them and get yourselves sorted else where

SpringlikeBunk · 30/08/2021 18:57

@WimpoleHat

let's call them Lavinia and Hugo?

Ingridla · 30/08/2021 18:58

Yanbu, it's rude as hell of them. I wouldn't want to go now personally.

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