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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend has decided to charge me to stay

999 replies

ploomo · 29/08/2021 13:25

I have friends (a retired couple) who have several times over the last few years urged me to come and stay with them. They have a very nice old house in the Settle area, with a separate 2-bedroom cottage in the gardens. Since they moved in 2016 it's always been 'Come and stay, we're so lucky to have this place and we want to share it. You can spend time with us but come and go as you please.' Earlier this year they invited me to come in September and I said yes and booked a week's leave.

I have another friend who was due to go away to Greece the same week but cancelled because of potential Covid complications. So I contacted my friends and asked how they would feel if my friend came with me. I emailed saying that I would be very happy to pay to rent the cottage as I would be bringing a stranger, and that we'd bring our own bedding and linen and leave the place scrupulously clean for the next occupants — basically, wanting to cause them as little work or hassle as possible. They emailed back saying they wouldn't take any money, any friend of mine was a friend of theirs. They said they'd host us both for dinner the first night and they'd take us out one day to a place they love, and that we could all go to the pub another night if we liked — but apart from that they just want us to have a good time.

That was more than a month ago. I spent about £150 on some special whisky I know they like and I've ordered some posh local artisan charcuterie and other goodies for them. This morning I've had an email from them saying that now they've had time to think about it, they feel that 'we would like to ask you and your friend to contribute £500 for your stay to cover electricity and other costs. We know that you will leave the place cleaner than you found it which is why we are happy to offer it at a reduced rate.'

I know that over the summer it's been let out for up to £1000 a week, so I suppose this is a good deal but I feel really sick and actually quite shaky about it. It's something about being offered a gift, a sign of appreciation and friendship, and then having it snatched back. I feel I can't really ask my friend to stump up the cash having told her it was free, so I'll have to foot the bill. If it wasn't for my friend really looking forward to it I'd tell them I couldn't come, but I'm going to have to go because of her.

Have they behaved badly or am I over-reacting? Who's BU —me or them?

OP posts:
Queenbee77 · 30/08/2021 17:25

Fake you think you have Covid! Seriously...there are friends??

LoverOfAllThingsPurple · 30/08/2021 17:26

I’d just cancel and go elsewhere.

phishy · 30/08/2021 17:29

@SunShinesBrightly

phishy

Several, really? Dinner the first night and an outing doesn’t count as several.

It’s nice of them but hardly several and they told OP they could come and go as they pleased.

several
determiner · pronoun

  1. more than two but not many.

‘They said they'd host us both for dinner the first night and they'd take us out one day to a place they love, and that we could all go to the pub another night if we liked.’

I make that 3.
So yes, several.

You said they ‘planned several outings with her’.

A vague comment possibly going to the pub is hardly planning an outing. So there’s just one planned outing, not several.

You sound as deluded as this rude couple.

Grimbelina · 30/08/2021 17:31

Turn up... cough a lot... tell them you have tested positive.... that you need to isolate for 10 days.... write a cheque... cancel it.

You. might as well go out with a bang!

ElizaDarcysDeeds · 30/08/2021 17:32

There's quite a difference between staying with friends for a break and treating their cottage like a holiday base. Most people can easily see that. You were cheeky to invite someone else along - grabby and rude. It's like saying I like where you live but I don't want your company. Then they were cheeky to suddenly decide to charge. You seem pretty well matched.
You should cancel and let them get their paid booking. You're not close friends. You shifted it to a business transaction when you took their invitation, threw back their company and brought someone else along.

fatchilli123 · 30/08/2021 17:33

Me personally I would send the presents and tell them you can't afford to come and go camping on my own . I think it is unfair after you offered and they said no don't pay and then change their minds

lucie82 · 30/08/2021 17:34

A grand for a week near settle is very cheap, a lot of the houses are sold and transformed into holiday lets, it’s one of the main reasons I moved, I couldn’t afford to live in the area I was born in. However I digress, yes it’s cheeky of them to ask for payment, but as you offered in the first place I guess it’s fair

LalalalalalaLand123 · 30/08/2021 17:36

Am I the only one who read this wrong and thought the OP was going to Seattle? Doh!

I totally thought it was Seattle too, thought it was a typo....though after it was repeated I thought it must have been auto-correct......have just googled 'where is Settle' lol
Charging a FRIEND £500 for a week in SETTLE??????? Fuck that!!!

Return2thebasic · 30/08/2021 17:36

Don't go. Don't let the weird situation/negative feeling ruin your holiday. Keep them out of your sight and mind.

BBOA · 30/08/2021 17:41

Cancel. They’ve changed their minds and so can you. Can’t offer something as free and then charge. Money grabbers!

LalalalalalaLand123 · 30/08/2021 17:43

Cancel. They’ve changed their minds and so can you. Can’t offer something as free and then charge. Money grabbers!

Yes, this exactly. It's very sad, but they've put money way ahead of your friendship.

sunglassesonthetable · 30/08/2021 17:44

Am I the only one who read this wrong and thought the OP was going to Seattle? Doh!

Yep I read Seattle. What a pain to take bedding I thought...

ClaraThree · 30/08/2021 17:44

@ElizaDarcysDeeds

There's quite a difference between staying with friends for a break and treating their cottage like a holiday base. Most people can easily see that. You were cheeky to invite someone else along - grabby and rude. It's like saying I like where you live but I don't want your company. Then they were cheeky to suddenly decide to charge. You seem pretty well matched. You should cancel and let them get their paid booking. You're not close friends. You shifted it to a business transaction when you took their invitation, threw back their company and brought someone else along.
This You don’t seem to have positive feelings for your cottage friend . You have made snide remarks about their wealth and their hobbies. I don’t think you are a genuine friend. You were rude to ask to bring a friend and can’t seem to understand that at all. Your friend doesn’t see you often and wanted your company. Please don’t go - it will end badly. Make a polite excuse why you can’t come and send the sausages and maybe some flowers. Keep your pretentious whisky and use it to impress someone else.
Alternista · 30/08/2021 17:47

I think I’d try and cancel as magnanimously as possible; this is clearly a long standing friendship that means a lot to you. What’s that saying: least said, soonest mended?

Maybe something like:

“I think perhaps best all round if we give it a miss on this occasion. Love you both and let’s catch up soon, ploomo”

mumoftinyterrors · 30/08/2021 17:47

Such a shame that money will now come between a friendship. I would cancel.

Escapetothecatshome · 30/08/2021 17:47

Maybe skip refunding the whiskey and have a stiff drink, then give them a ring and tell them you couldn't possible afford £500 and you'll have a look for a travel lodge instead, and if on the holiday, they have the time - which they will probably charge you by the hour -you could possibly meet up the a drink and a catch up on your nickle.

But in all seriousness its not really a real friendship if pound shilling and pence is more important.

beeline · 30/08/2021 17:48

Basically, and I have been overnighters with friends who have empty b&b nights, they should not offer if they are not happy to host you and/or a friend.

Etiquette would be you take them a ‘special present’ with a generous hamper probably £200 worth and then take them out for a lovely lunch or supper.

Nobody I stay with included those friends with b&b’s would expect anything else. If they are being weird, just not your friends hun xxx

IntermittentParps · 30/08/2021 17:49

I’m not sure they’ve had another request. I think one of them was never really on board with the friend staying and has belatedly got their way.

They seem rude, ungracious and greedy. You OTOH have been polite, respectful and considerate.

I don’t have any advice
, I’m just sorry for the way these ‘friends’ have treated you (and for how some posters have piled on).

N0tJustY0ga · 30/08/2021 17:52

@ploomo

They’d give it to you free if you were on your own. Stating that you can come and go as you please.

Then a friend of yours is coming, they declined the offer in paying. Then changed they’re mind after you told your friend it was free.

If you could come and go as you please if you’re on your own. Then why would the dynamics change if your friend came?

Sounds like they want people to visit them. You coming down means you need to spend time with them even though they said you can come and go as you please.

Now your friend is coming. Meaning you won’t spend and as much time with them. Maybe they’re charging so that you’re friend won’t end up coming & they get you at their beck and call cause your staying for free?

If not, then it’s definitely greed, and they want money.

Or maybe they found someone to rent the place and is trying to make a situation where you and your friend don’t go? So they can make the £1000. If you do end up coming with your friend at least they gain £500.

I’d say I’m coming in my own (that way they get £0) and see what happens.

Either way. It’s awkward but will show you some of their true colours. So then you can decide whether you want to carry on knowing them.

IntermittentParps · 30/08/2021 17:53

You were cheeky to invite someone else along - grabby and rude. It's like saying I like where you live but I don't want your company
Do people have comprehension problems? The OP asked politely if she might invite a friend and made it clear that it was not a problem if they said no.
The friends’ attitude to people staying has always been ‘come and go as you please.’
It’s not hard to understand.

Totallydefeated · 30/08/2021 17:53

Gobsmacked that a week in a cottage in Settle normally comes to a grand, tbh. You could both have a week in the Greek islands for that and actually have good weather and enjoy yourselves .

I’d be straight with your friend and them, OP. Explain you’re going to cancel now they’ve chosen to move the goalposts and explain you’re disappointed after you helped them out.

It’s usually the case that the more wealthy people are, the tighter and more grabby they can be, IME.

Konfetka · 30/08/2021 17:55

Whatever happened to honour?

All of the other issues are peripheral.

They should stand by their word.

Bodynegative · 30/08/2021 17:56

@so750

I lost all sympathy with the couple when OP mentioned that they have complained about not getting tax relief on their pensions after the first £million.
Me too, the greedy sods. The number of times I've happily put up an extra guest when I could have charged them B&B, and had them strip the bedroom, and do a through clean. I've definitely been missing a trick. Mind you, I live on disability benefits and am not a money grabbing POS that would insult a friend in this way. As for those MNers who think it's justified, thank goodness you're no friends of mine.

Tbh it's a perfect example of our current society. So many very well off people are out to squeeze every penny out of others and begrudge paying a penny in taxes to assist those less fortunate. At least I can go to my grave knowing I was more than happy to pay every penny during the 40 years I worked.

TwoLeftElbows · 30/08/2021 17:56

@fatchilli123

Me personally I would send the presents and tell them you can't afford to come and go camping on my own . I think it is unfair after you offered and they said no don't pay and then change their minds
I think this is what I'd do too. The main thing OP is you're ringing them rather than trying to compose elaborate emails.
ElizaDarcysDeeds · 30/08/2021 18:00

@IntermittentParps

You were cheeky to invite someone else along - grabby and rude. It's like saying I like where you live but I don't want your company Do people have comprehension problems? The OP asked politely if she might invite a friend and made it clear that it was not a problem if they said no. The friends’ attitude to people staying has always been ‘come and go as you please.’ It’s not hard to understand.
Ironic that you're posting about comprehension problems ... the people who could come and go were family, not the OP.

And it puts people on the spot when you've already agreed to stay with them and then add on someone else. No matter how many times you say 'it doesn't matter if you say no', lots of people struggle to say no in those circumstances. And if you're not one of them then just read some threads on here. There are hundreds of them - full of posters saying they felt they couldn't say 'no' when someone changed plans or made more demands.