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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend has decided to charge me to stay

999 replies

ploomo · 29/08/2021 13:25

I have friends (a retired couple) who have several times over the last few years urged me to come and stay with them. They have a very nice old house in the Settle area, with a separate 2-bedroom cottage in the gardens. Since they moved in 2016 it's always been 'Come and stay, we're so lucky to have this place and we want to share it. You can spend time with us but come and go as you please.' Earlier this year they invited me to come in September and I said yes and booked a week's leave.

I have another friend who was due to go away to Greece the same week but cancelled because of potential Covid complications. So I contacted my friends and asked how they would feel if my friend came with me. I emailed saying that I would be very happy to pay to rent the cottage as I would be bringing a stranger, and that we'd bring our own bedding and linen and leave the place scrupulously clean for the next occupants — basically, wanting to cause them as little work or hassle as possible. They emailed back saying they wouldn't take any money, any friend of mine was a friend of theirs. They said they'd host us both for dinner the first night and they'd take us out one day to a place they love, and that we could all go to the pub another night if we liked — but apart from that they just want us to have a good time.

That was more than a month ago. I spent about £150 on some special whisky I know they like and I've ordered some posh local artisan charcuterie and other goodies for them. This morning I've had an email from them saying that now they've had time to think about it, they feel that 'we would like to ask you and your friend to contribute £500 for your stay to cover electricity and other costs. We know that you will leave the place cleaner than you found it which is why we are happy to offer it at a reduced rate.'

I know that over the summer it's been let out for up to £1000 a week, so I suppose this is a good deal but I feel really sick and actually quite shaky about it. It's something about being offered a gift, a sign of appreciation and friendship, and then having it snatched back. I feel I can't really ask my friend to stump up the cash having told her it was free, so I'll have to foot the bill. If it wasn't for my friend really looking forward to it I'd tell them I couldn't come, but I'm going to have to go because of her.

Have they behaved badly or am I over-reacting? Who's BU —me or them?

OP posts:
TakeYourFinalPosition · 30/08/2021 15:31

I've had a polite message from them saying it would be helpful if I could reach a decision sooner rather than later, which does make me think that someone's approached them wanting to rent the place for the week I'm there. I will phone them later today, when my visitors are gone and I can guarantee half-an-hour's peace and quiet.

Well, that either suggests that they'd rather you didn't go if you're taking a friend; or that they've had a better offer... but either way, it seems neither of you are happy with the current arrangements, so it probably suits you both to cut your losses.

EmbarrassingAdmissions · 30/08/2021 15:31

Everybody likes praise.

No. Too many of us are accustomed to it being used:
in an indiscriminate manner;
to manipulate a particular response.

For me, that ship has long since sailed to the point where it's a red flag unless I know someone well.

LochinverSwimmingPool · 30/08/2021 15:33

@Wheresmybiscuit3

Am I the only one who read this wrong and thought the OP was going to Seattle? Doh!
Very probably.
phishy · 30/08/2021 15:34

@Dancingonmoonlight

It's not a holiday cottage business

And that is why the OP was the one who changed the dynamics.
They invited her to stay and for them, their cottage, is an extension of their house. It is where friends and family stay and it is the equivalent of staying in a guest bedroom.
The OP invited a plus one with her to an invitation to stay in the equivalent of a guest bedroom for a whole week. Who in their right minds would not see that some people might not want to entertain this?

The OP then offered money which she didn't really expect them to take up.

In the original opening post, the OP mentions expensive wine and food. This is also a gift which the OP is putting a price on herself and the gifts are a red herring as the hosts didn't ask for them.

Imo the person with the poor manners and taking advantage here is the OP.
They have now had to reach out to the OP to see if she is coming?
However they have kindly offered a get out clause and I very much doubt they have anyone visiting their house this week. Its just their way of checking if the OP is coming and giving her a way out if she doesn't want to.

Who in their right minds would not see that some people might not want to entertain this?

Well OP did see that which is why she ASKED them via email and they responded saying her friend was their friend and they didn’t want any money.

They then changed the goalposts by contacting OP after a MONTH, that they want money, and also for her to leave the place cleaner than they found it, and also still expecting her to bring bedding/linen/towels.

They are utter cunts.

LochinverSwimmingPool · 30/08/2021 15:36

So give them £500 for free? That’s a pretty shit revenge

No - I wasn't very clear - I meant that the OP should tell the cottage's owners that she and her friend would be happy to pay the £500 - but not actually do so.

I think her "friends" are CFs. Nasty, entitled CFs, and the OP and her pal would be unlikely to enjoy this holiday in these circumstances.

phishy · 30/08/2021 15:36

@LochinverSwimmingPool got you!

pleaseletthecatout · 30/08/2021 15:42

I'm sorry, but the friends sound grabby and petulant. I would cancel and re route the treats as well. What a shame of them not to value the friendship.

Lockdownbear · 30/08/2021 15:45

@Wheresmybiscuit3

Am I the only one who read this wrong and thought the OP was going to Seattle? Doh!
Nope I read Seattle tooBlush And some one else thought the same, my initial post was based on the faff of flights and needing accommodation. Although I couldn't figure out taking duvets and bedding on a transatlantic flight or the customs guys reaction Grin
SunShinesBrightly · 30/08/2021 16:02

phishy

Several, really? Dinner the first night and an outing doesn’t count as several.

It’s nice of them but hardly several and they told OP they could come and go as they pleased.

several
determiner · pronoun

  1. more than two but not many.

‘They said they'd host us both for dinner the first night and they'd take us out one day to a place they love, and that we could all go to the pub another night if we liked.’

I make that 3.
So yes, several.

me4real · 30/08/2021 16:02

No - I wasn't very clear - I meant that the OP should tell the cottage's owners that she and her friend would be happy to pay the £500 - but not actually do so.

@LochinverSwimmingPool ?????? Seriously?

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/08/2021 16:03

I think I’d play them at their game tbh. Over email rather than the phone - much like your friend has suggested.

“Oh dear, I am rather confused and think I may have offended you. I have now told X that plans have changed and she is no longer going to stay in the cottage. I presume you won’t be asking me to pay to visit as my coming is at your invitation?”

Then when they squirm, you can take the high ground and remind them of visits to your home and how you looked after their dd without a thought. Either way, tbh, I wouldn’t be going.

me4real · 30/08/2021 16:04

I would say you can't go @ploomo , depending on whether you want to prioritize it financially, or can afford it.

Julieandthejets · 30/08/2021 16:23

Given the context of your relationship with this couple that was provided in the updates I’d be declining their offer. They don’t sound like good friends. It’s bad manners to offer your friend a place to stay for a holiday and to then move the goalposts.
I get the impression either someone has riled them up with a comment ‘oh so you offered a place to stay and she’s bringing a friend. That’s cheeky’ OR someone has enquired about the week that you’re supposed to be going.
If either of those scenarios are correct then it shows just how much they value your friendship. They don’t sound the warmest of people.

wheretonow123 · 30/08/2021 16:30

I have read the thread and I certainly understand your dilemma. I think that I would also be a little upset at the prospect of having to now pay for the use of the cottage having been promised it for free originally.

I was wondering how much you really know them? They are not family - was one of them a work colleague?, were they neighbours?

Is there a possibility that some of their actual family are a little bit jealous of their relationship with you and have been ear wigging them and implying that you are a user and conveniently ignoring the good deeds that you did for them?

It's amazing how friendly some family become when it comes to wealthy relatives with property.

MaMelon · 30/08/2021 16:32

I agree with @Julieandthejets

They sound like users imo - happy for you to take in their DD and DGC and for you to drive them 300 miles, but as soon as they get a better financial offer they renege on their ‘we wouldn’t dream of taking a penny from you’ offer.

ScreamingBeans · 30/08/2021 16:37

And that is why the OP was the one who changed the dynamics.

At least one month's previously! And she offered to pay at that stage as she acknowledged that she changed the dynamics. And they said, no, we are going to proceed as though the dynamics are the same. And then a month later, they changed their minds.

Sheesh.

NorthLodgeAvenue · 30/08/2021 16:43

Post Covid Uk at its finest...greedy, grabby people.

so750 · 30/08/2021 17:05

I lost all sympathy with the couple when OP mentioned that they have complained about not getting tax relief on their pensions after the first £million.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 30/08/2021 17:05

@Mummyoflittledragon

I think I’d play them at their game tbh. Over email rather than the phone - much like your friend has suggested.

“Oh dear, I am rather confused and think I may have offended you. I have now told X that plans have changed and she is no longer going to stay in the cottage. I presume you won’t be asking me to pay to visit as my coming is at your invitation?”

Then when they squirm, you can take the high ground and remind them of visits to your home and how you looked after their dd without a thought. Either way, tbh, I wouldn’t be going.

Ooooh!

Sneaky!

I like it!

Grin
Lockdownbear · 30/08/2021 17:15

@Mummyoflittledragon

I think I’d play them at their game tbh. Over email rather than the phone - much like your friend has suggested.

“Oh dear, I am rather confused and think I may have offended you. I have now told X that plans have changed and she is no longer going to stay in the cottage. I presume you won’t be asking me to pay to visit as my coming is at your invitation?”

Then when they squirm, you can take the high ground and remind them of visits to your home and how you looked after their dd without a thought. Either way, tbh, I wouldn’t be going.

I'd certainly make them squirm however I wouldn't actually want to be anywhere near them. They've shown their true colours, the amount of money they have they didn't need favours from the Op to help their DD or DGC. I honestly think I'd let this friendship slide.
Window1 · 30/08/2021 17:19

Has your username changed?

ExpatAl · 30/08/2021 17:23

You’re bring a friend. So not really going to see them. I suspect they’re miffed about it.

felizdia · 30/08/2021 17:23

Exactly the same thing happened to us. One of my oldest friends and DS's godmother invited us to stay with them in their home in Spain but a week before told us we were going to have to pay, flights were booked and kids excited, we couldn't back out. expected to cover our costs but not line her pockets!
Your friends accepted you were bringing someone, so even if they change their minds they should not change the goal posts. A promise (invitation) is a promise.

msgreen · 30/08/2021 17:24

Cheeky to ask to bring a friend !!!!
suck it up

EmbarrassingAdmissions · 30/08/2021 17:25

They've shown their true colours, the amount of money they have they didn't need favours from the Op to help their DD or DGC.
I honestly think I'd let this friendship slide.

It's fairly common that well-to-do people can have attitudes to money that baffle other people, especially when it comes to notions of reciprocity.*

If this has been a very long-standing friendship to their shared please over the years I'd be very sad to think it's fractured over one incident that seems bedevilled by awkwardly thought through consequences.

*I've previously described a scenario with an 'inherited' family friend where I declined an offer to pay. (As an update, the flat wasn't let and still isn't.)

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4024399-To-think-people-really-are-CFers-when-it-comes-to-second-hand-items?msgid=100087003