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Original poster

Friend has decided to charge me to stay

999 replies

ploomo · 29/08/2021 13:25

I have friends (a retired couple) who have several times over the last few years urged me to come and stay with them. They have a very nice old house in the Settle area, with a separate 2-bedroom cottage in the gardens. Since they moved in 2016 it's always been 'Come and stay, we're so lucky to have this place and we want to share it. You can spend time with us but come and go as you please.' Earlier this year they invited me to come in September and I said yes and booked a week's leave.

I have another friend who was due to go away to Greece the same week but cancelled because of potential Covid complications. So I contacted my friends and asked how they would feel if my friend came with me. I emailed saying that I would be very happy to pay to rent the cottage as I would be bringing a stranger, and that we'd bring our own bedding and linen and leave the place scrupulously clean for the next occupants — basically, wanting to cause them as little work or hassle as possible. They emailed back saying they wouldn't take any money, any friend of mine was a friend of theirs. They said they'd host us both for dinner the first night and they'd take us out one day to a place they love, and that we could all go to the pub another night if we liked — but apart from that they just want us to have a good time.

That was more than a month ago. I spent about £150 on some special whisky I know they like and I've ordered some posh local artisan charcuterie and other goodies for them. This morning I've had an email from them saying that now they've had time to think about it, they feel that 'we would like to ask you and your friend to contribute £500 for your stay to cover electricity and other costs. We know that you will leave the place cleaner than you found it which is why we are happy to offer it at a reduced rate.'

I know that over the summer it's been let out for up to £1000 a week, so I suppose this is a good deal but I feel really sick and actually quite shaky about it. It's something about being offered a gift, a sign of appreciation and friendship, and then having it snatched back. I feel I can't really ask my friend to stump up the cash having told her it was free, so I'll have to foot the bill. If it wasn't for my friend really looking forward to it I'd tell them I couldn't come, but I'm going to have to go because of her.

Have they behaved badly or am I over-reacting? Who's BU —me or them?

OP posts:
NorthLodgeAvenue · 30/08/2021 14:28

Horrible people, they are not friends. Cancel.

Words · 30/08/2021 14:32

" ... and besides Mummy, you and Daddy have always been far too generous. I know you don't like the thought of strangers in the cottage - quite right! - but you could make over a thousand pounds a week letting the cottage properly, at a proper going rate to friends and friends of friends. We've discussed this before, haven't we, and that was even before COVID.

" It's really NOT Fair that on the one hand the trust fund can't stretch to any more school fees, yet you have this potential gold mine on your doorstep. It's not Bryony's fault that she came along so long after the others..."

CambsAlways · 30/08/2021 14:35

The dianamics have changed haven’t they due to you friend coming, nah I’d cancel

NorthLodgeAvenue · 30/08/2021 14:37

Dear old Minty and Giles, they have made such an effort to mix with the locals. Of course they still have the pied a terre in Nice , useful when the North wind doth blow! Not so nifty though now, with that damned Brexit nonsense.
Still, they are stalwarts of Jacnitha Hyde's Interior Design place, The Settle Inn ( wine and art) and Timothy's Handcrafted Artisan Meals. Where would the Northern outpost be without them?

MilesOfSand · 30/08/2021 14:37

@DoubleTweenQueen

Manners are important - they help everyone know what's expected so to avoid engendering miscommunication, confusion and hurt/slight between people who would, or would like to, call each other friends.

OP overstepped the mark, and upset the trust and expectations of her friends, who have been trying to figure out what the situation actually was and whether they were seen as friends or a simple convenience. There response was clunky, but not surprising.
But it was the OP that cast the spanner.

They could have thought back to the time she did their daughter a massive favour, and saved themselves the wondering.
SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 30/08/2021 14:38

I would cancel, I wouldn't be comfortable staying after they have suddenly decided to charge

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 30/08/2021 14:43

I think charging you now is probably fair but the amount they want is not.
Depends how good friends they
are and if you are able to tell them you can get something else cheaper.

MiddleParking · 30/08/2021 14:47

@TiareMahoi

I would acknowledge to them that it was inconsiderate of you asking an unknown person along to a house visit and you feel mortified for putting them in that position.

Then explain friend's situation ( garner empathy ) a bit about their personality, things they have in common with their lovely hosta and why you thought they would have been a great " you must meet " mystery guest.
As in " sell " why you thought the unknown friend coming and them
hosting as something exciting.
Ignore fact they want to suddenly charge, that's a passive agressive reaction to them
being annoyed.
Cause/Symptom
List their common qualities vs friend's , e.g both love cooking, that's why you wanted them to come along to
meet your lovely friends.
Everybody likes praise.
It's totally irrelevant whether it's a spare room, suite, floor in house or a seperate cottage.
You were a house guest albeit in a more generous setting aka cottage.

I would then admit upon reflection it is out of order
taking advantage of their kind offer ( don't mention the money !!!! ) especially when other old friends may also would have like to stay at a peak holiday time and they should get preference over strangers.
Tell them you feel stuck now , worried about having caused offence with your cheeky request as well as wanting to help friend and could come at another time by yourself.
Send bunch of flowers apologizing for inconsiderate request.
I predict you'll both go, no charge will be made and friends will all get on like a house on fire praising their lovely, generous hosts.

Why on Earth would OP want to spend a week heaping praise on these people and grovelling about a mortification she doesn’t feel?
dcilovett · 30/08/2021 14:51

I agree with @DeRigueurMortis , sounds like someone wants to rent the cottage out. Which gives you the perfect opportunity to pull out gracefully and let them know you'll come at a quieter time for them.

Whether you actually do plan for a later date or not is up to you. In the meantime you and your friend are now free to spend the week wherever you like- enjoy!

ChequerBoard · 30/08/2021 14:59

@DeRigueurMortis

Well based on your update that they want a response sooner rather than later, it does indicate that this change of heart is based on the fact that someone else wants to rent the cottage at commercial rates.

Or that they sick of being pissed about by the entitled OP and are hoping their request for 50% of the money she offered (never make offs you don't mean) will ensure she never darkens their door...

AnnieSnap · 30/08/2021 15:00

Mulling it over, I wonder if the issue of asking to bring a friend (who is unknown) might be different to different generations. They are a retired couple, so my generation (I’m 62). It wouldn’t occur to me to ask if I could bring a friend when invited to stay with someone. I’d also feel taken aback and maybe awkward, if someone due to stay with me, asked if they could do that! Reading through the thread though, it looks as if for many people, it wouldn’t be an issue. I still think it’s bad form to decide to charge though, especially after the OP offered and they declined.

unlikelytobe · 30/08/2021 15:01

Well, that's going to be an interesting phone conversation! How frank are you going to be? Will they own up to someone else they favour over you (family or full paying renters) wanting it at the same time?

Cancel or postpone but if you don't know where you stand with them it's tricky to visit them or host them again.

RobinsReliant · 30/08/2021 15:04

@ploomo Honestly, you sound lovely, gracious and insightful. I think you have hit the nail on the head and that they have been approached by someone else, maybe their children or a friend of one of their children, who wants to stay. The only way they can now ‘justify’ your visit is to have you there as paying guests.

I’d let them know that you are feeling as though your visit might be an inconvenience to them so you’ll leave it and will find somewhere else to go.

You mention that they have cancelled your visit before due to family circumstances and here they are doing it again.

At least you know where you stand.

I actually wouldn’t trust them if they offer you their cottage in the future. Some people are really good at offering things and retracting the offer at a later date due to a ‘change in circumstances’. You can do without that kind of offer.

Find somewhere lovely for you and your friend to go where you are not beholden to anyone in any way. Have a great holiday!

Cheeeesecake · 30/08/2021 15:10

Awkward. Though they made it awkward, not you.

I would imagine that someone has offered money for it the week you will be there, and now they feel like they're 'losing' money when you come, and are trying to get a bit of it back. I doubt they'd mind if you cancel, they might even be grateful. Crappy behaviour from them, but maybe they're worried about their finances or something.

RobinsReliant · 30/08/2021 15:11

To be fair, if you are offering a charcuterie board and whisky then you would be more than welcome here!! 😂

Candelabra75 · 30/08/2021 15:16

They've left you in a really difficult position due to changing their mind so late. So this is what I'd do. I'd be totally honest - email them back and tell them that because they were so generous as to offer it for free you've spent over £200 (or whatever amount it is) on gifts for them. You also had invited your friend and couldn't possibly ask her to pay now. You can say that whilst you understand their price is great value, you're now going to be paying a considerable amount more than you've budgeted for, which makes things very difficult for you. Ask them if they would prefer to let it out for full market value, as you'd be happy to rearrange if necessary to suit everyone's needs.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 30/08/2021 15:20

I would be so full of charcuterie right now.

Original poster
ploomo · 30/08/2021 15:22

@TiareMahoi

I would acknowledge to them that it was inconsiderate of you asking an unknown person along to a house visit and you feel mortified for putting them in that position.

Then explain friend's situation ( garner empathy ) a bit about their personality, things they have in common with their lovely hosta and why you thought they would have been a great " you must meet " mystery guest.
As in " sell " why you thought the unknown friend coming and them
hosting as something exciting.
Ignore fact they want to suddenly charge, that's a passive agressive reaction to them
being annoyed.
Cause/Symptom
List their common qualities vs friend's , e.g both love cooking, that's why you wanted them to come along to
meet your lovely friends.
Everybody likes praise.
It's totally irrelevant whether it's a spare room, suite, floor in house or a seperate cottage.
You were a house guest albeit in a more generous setting aka cottage.

I would then admit upon reflection it is out of order
taking advantage of their kind offer ( don't mention the money !!!! ) especially when other old friends may also would have like to stay at a peak holiday time and they should get preference over strangers.
Tell them you feel stuck now , worried about having caused offence with your cheeky request as well as wanting to help friend and could come at another time by yourself.
Send bunch of flowers apologizing for inconsiderate request.
I predict you'll both go, no charge will be made and friends will all get on like a house on fire praising their lovely, generous hosts.

it and you feel mortified for putting them in that position.

But I don't. It's a perfectly reasonable thing to ask. I wouldn't be horrified if someone asked to bring a friend with them to stay with me and I'm pretty sure they've not been horrified by the idea either.

Gammon
No, not gammon.

OP posts:
Original poster
ploomo · 30/08/2021 15:23

Sorry, epic cut and paste fail there.

OP posts:
ScreamingBeans · 30/08/2021 15:27

FFS everyone who keeps saying that the issue here is that she invited a friend.

No, it isn't. She offered to pay to rent the cottage as she was bringing a friend.

They said no.

Then they changed their mind, really late in the day. Not 2 days later, or a week later, but over a month later.

They've behaved like twats. The inviting a friend too, is a complete red herring.

LochinverSwimmingPool · 30/08/2021 15:28

I would be furious and embarrassed by this behaviour, OP.

However, I would tell the cottage's owners that my friend and I were going to come, and would pay the £500.

Then I would phone them on the day we were supposed to arrive and announce that we both had a notifiable disease and couldn't come.
Seriously - fuck them.

Oh, and make sure you either cancel all the goodies you'd lined up for them, or have the goodies delivered to you.

I can't see how you can possibly enjoy this holiday after all this hoo-hah.

MinnieGirl · 30/08/2021 15:29

There is no getting over the fact that they have been very rude and extremely cheeky to offer hospitality and then spring a sudden change of mind on you.

I would never see them in the same light, and sadly, I would never be able to accept any future offer of hospitality in case they pulled another stunt like this one.

I do suspect you would have been presented with a bill during your stay….

Not worth the hassle.
Cancel your goodies order, and nook somewhere with your friend and have a good laugh about it.

Dancingonmoonlight · 30/08/2021 15:30

It's not a holiday cottage business

And that is why the OP was the one who changed the dynamics.
They invited her to stay and for them, their cottage, is an extension of their house. It is where friends and family stay and it is the equivalent of staying in a guest bedroom.
The OP invited a plus one with her to an invitation to stay in the equivalent of a guest bedroom for a whole week. Who in their right minds would not see that some people might not want to entertain this?

The OP then offered money which she didn't really expect them to take up.

In the original opening post, the OP mentions expensive wine and food. This is also a gift which the OP is putting a price on herself and the gifts are a red herring as the hosts didn't ask for them.

Imo the person with the poor manners and taking advantage here is the OP.
They have now had to reach out to the OP to see if she is coming?
However they have kindly offered a get out clause and I very much doubt they have anyone visiting their house this week. Its just their way of checking if the OP is coming and giving her a way out if she doesn't want to.

Wheresmybiscuit3 · 30/08/2021 15:31

Am I the only one who read this wrong and thought the OP was going to Seattle? Doh!

phishy · 30/08/2021 15:31

@LochinverSwimmingPool

I would be furious and embarrassed by this behaviour, OP.

However, I would tell the cottage's owners that my friend and I were going to come, and would pay the £500.

Then I would phone them on the day we were supposed to arrive and announce that we both had a notifiable disease and couldn't come.
Seriously - fuck them.

Oh, and make sure you either cancel all the goodies you'd lined up for them, or have the goodies delivered to you.

I can't see how you can possibly enjoy this holiday after all this hoo-hah.

So give them £500 for free? That’s a pretty shit revenge.
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