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Original poster

Friend has decided to charge me to stay

999 replies

ploomo · 29/08/2021 13:25

I have friends (a retired couple) who have several times over the last few years urged me to come and stay with them. They have a very nice old house in the Settle area, with a separate 2-bedroom cottage in the gardens. Since they moved in 2016 it's always been 'Come and stay, we're so lucky to have this place and we want to share it. You can spend time with us but come and go as you please.' Earlier this year they invited me to come in September and I said yes and booked a week's leave.

I have another friend who was due to go away to Greece the same week but cancelled because of potential Covid complications. So I contacted my friends and asked how they would feel if my friend came with me. I emailed saying that I would be very happy to pay to rent the cottage as I would be bringing a stranger, and that we'd bring our own bedding and linen and leave the place scrupulously clean for the next occupants — basically, wanting to cause them as little work or hassle as possible. They emailed back saying they wouldn't take any money, any friend of mine was a friend of theirs. They said they'd host us both for dinner the first night and they'd take us out one day to a place they love, and that we could all go to the pub another night if we liked — but apart from that they just want us to have a good time.

That was more than a month ago. I spent about £150 on some special whisky I know they like and I've ordered some posh local artisan charcuterie and other goodies for them. This morning I've had an email from them saying that now they've had time to think about it, they feel that 'we would like to ask you and your friend to contribute £500 for your stay to cover electricity and other costs. We know that you will leave the place cleaner than you found it which is why we are happy to offer it at a reduced rate.'

I know that over the summer it's been let out for up to £1000 a week, so I suppose this is a good deal but I feel really sick and actually quite shaky about it. It's something about being offered a gift, a sign of appreciation and friendship, and then having it snatched back. I feel I can't really ask my friend to stump up the cash having told her it was free, so I'll have to foot the bill. If it wasn't for my friend really looking forward to it I'd tell them I couldn't come, but I'm going to have to go because of her.

Have they behaved badly or am I over-reacting? Who's BU —me or them?

OP posts:
VillanellesOrangeCoat · 30/08/2021 13:30

@EspressoDoubleShot

EspressoDoubleShot

Conspicuously giving an expensive or showy gift is about the giver and the recipient
The giver wants the ohhhh gosh! You shouldn’t have and to be thought of as a terrific and generous person. hopefully the gift will get referenced in future. Oh she’s soooo generous, she gave whisky, and gammon, and it was super

Are you projecting? Most people giving gifts just enjoy seeing the pleasure of the recipient , ime

MaMelon · 30/08/2021 13:36

Since when has gammon been a charcuterie board? Grin

Honeymare · 30/08/2021 13:37

@EspressoDoubleShot

Op offered to pay rent probably in hope/expectation they’d decline. They didnt decline and op doesn’t really want to pay That’s the problem with empty expansive gestures, someone may take you up on the offer
I don't see any suggestion of this in OP's posts.
Hilda40 · 30/08/2021 13:37

Looks like you will be sleepless in Settle.

RobinsReliant · 30/08/2021 13:39

I wouldn’t go. Spend time with your friend somewhere else. Cancel the gifts. You were only going because it was your friends and they had offered you a place to stay, not because it is a place you have always been desperate to visit.

I too think that you inviting your friend changed things for them but they should have said that at the time.

£500 is way too steep. Madness. Unless this is a dream holiday for you (which it isn’t) don’t pay it. Just send them a polite message saying you completely understand their position but have had a think and it’s just not going to be affordable on top of travel and pub lunches etc. If they then change their mind and say to come anyway, I’d say thank you and make an excuse and say you have decided to stay where you are.

Have a lovely week off anyway.

sadie9 · 30/08/2021 13:39

Bring the expensive whiskey back to the shop and bring a bottle of red for under a tenner!

DoubleTweenQueen · 30/08/2021 13:39

@Hilda40 Nice one! :)

Figmentofmyimagination · 30/08/2021 13:46

Say ok to the £500, then drop out at the very last minute - then they get no cash, no gifts, nothing - and they will be left wondering what happened - just say eg ‘poorly’ etc - then you can decide whether you want to renew your friendship with them in a few months time.

TheNinny · 30/08/2021 13:48

I’d cancel

DottyHarmer · 30/08/2021 13:51

It is awkward when a friend has a live-in holiday business. I used to stay with a friend (and she with me) for many years, but I could never stay with her now as she has a boutique pub/hotel type affair and I would feel obliged to pay for a room, or stay down the road in somewhere half the price, which would be awks, or she might not charge me, which would make me feel bad and her probably seeing me as a loss of several hundred quid instead of being with a friend….. so it’s a no to visiting her now.

DottyHarmer · 30/08/2021 13:53

Agree that cancelling is the only thing now. And I repeat from upthread that the volte face of these friends indicates that someone has bent their ear about the loss of money that OP’s visit represents.

Honeymare · 30/08/2021 13:59

@DottyHarmer funny you should say that, I've a casual friend of friend who has invited me to visit many times but she's been renovating to a holiday rental. I always ask to book, she always says no just come and stay but I find myself making excuses. I'd like to come with my family and book, support her business.

Back to the thread, the thing that jumps out at me is everyone is assuming the change of heart from the hosts has been brought about by the additional friend joining. There is no evidence of this. There could be a wedding happening in the area that day, they have been approached and offered substantial rent to stay in the cottage. They could have a burst pipe. They could be totally miserly and were always intending to spring the cost on op. All this deliberating about the friend seems silly when it might be totally irrelevant.

Words · 30/08/2021 14:00

Projecting hugely here, but one scenario is:

Some other family members. Laura and Henry, have flown to the U.K. due to an unexpected relaxing of Covid rules, and want to come and stay with Minty and Giles.

All the rest of the family have been to stay with them in North Yorkshire over the summer - look at the happy photos on Facebook and the family WhatsApp!

But now Laura and Henry can't stay in the cottage - because not only is it promised to a non-family member, OP, for free, but for OP and her friend nobody knows, too! Shock

Cue massive family row. Minty leans over the Aga, heaving silent sobs.

In the summerhouse, Giles, drains his glass of single malt and rubs the knees of his red corduroys sadly. They were only trying to be good friends to the poor girl by overlooking her unfortunate faux pas. What a mess!

Nevertheless, Family comes First. We can't outright cancel,OP. That would be very bad form. Instead, we must...encourage her to do so.

We will send her a very clear yet subtle signal, a signal that can't possibly be misinterpreted...

Honeymare · 30/08/2021 14:03

@DottyHarmer

Agree that cancelling is the only thing now. And I repeat from upthread that the volte face of these friends indicates that someone has bent their ear about the loss of money that OP’s visit represents.
Yeah I'm in agreement here. "They are taking the holiday cottage for free?! Are they good friends? Oh you only know one. Why isn't the other person paying? I bet her Greece holiday wasn't cancelled at all, she's simply spotted an opportunity to get a free holiday. You could be making 1k a week on that, we are prime location. I'm surprised your friend has gone along with this. Is she naive or opportunistic. She's been generous to you in the past? Well in that case I would let her stay for free but certainly charge the other lady. Or only charge them half. But don't be paying for a cleaner, they are getting a fantastic deal already."
SparklingLime · 30/08/2021 14:04

That is gold, @words!

Honeymare · 30/08/2021 14:05

@words a possibility yes but they are all good friends, good enough that they trusted op to help their daughter and grandchild in distress. Why would they not phone and explain. They know her well and even from her posts here it is clear she is a reasonable and generous person.

cricketmum84 · 30/08/2021 14:05

@Words do you write for a living? If not then you should! 😂

TiareMahoi · 30/08/2021 14:07

I would acknowledge to them that it was inconsiderate of you asking an unknown person along to a house visit and you feel mortified for putting them in that position.

Then explain friend's situation ( garner empathy ) a bit about their personality, things they have in common with their lovely hosta and why you thought they would have been a great " you must meet " mystery guest.
As in " sell " why you thought the unknown friend coming and them
hosting as something exciting.
Ignore fact they want to suddenly charge, that's a passive agressive reaction to them
being annoyed.
Cause/Symptom
List their common qualities vs friend's , e.g both love cooking, that's why you wanted them to come along to
meet your lovely friends.
Everybody likes praise.
It's totally irrelevant whether it's a spare room, suite, floor in house or a seperate cottage.
You were a house guest albeit in a more generous setting aka cottage.

I would then admit upon reflection it is out of order
taking advantage of their kind offer ( don't mention the money !!!! ) especially when other old friends may also would have like to stay at a peak holiday time and they should get preference over strangers.
Tell them you feel stuck now , worried about having caused offence with your cheeky request as well as wanting to help friend and could come at another time by yourself.
Send bunch of flowers apologizing for inconsiderate request.
I predict you'll both go, no charge will be made and friends will all get on like a house on fire praising their lovely, generous hosts.

DottyHarmer · 30/08/2021 14:13

I don’t think that’s a good plan, TiareMahoi, unless one is determined upon a free holiday. I think the OP now feels stuck in a cleft stick - whatever she does will result in awkwardness.

AhNowTed · 30/08/2021 14:13

@Words

An offer she CAN refuse!! Brilliant Smile

zingally · 30/08/2021 14:14

I'd cancel. Very unreasonable for them to change their minds so close to the trip. I wouldn't spend £500 for a week in a cottage in Settle, that the owners are begrudgingly letting you have! I can think of much nicer ways to spend my money!

Reply with, "Hi X, I'm sorry, but £500 (even split in half) is more than friend and I are willing to pay for a holiday cottage. Hopefully we'll get to have a catch-up another time. Yours, OP"

DottyHarmer · 30/08/2021 14:17

Would Minty and Giles have done that? OP might still be going for it. Better to say there’s a wasp infestation in the holiday cottage etc if they want to put off OP. I still think they’ve been alerted that they’ve been too generous. Putting up family for free is one thing, but not friends.

MaMelon · 30/08/2021 14:21

@DottyHarmer

Would Minty and Giles have done that? OP might still be going for it. Better to say there’s a wasp infestation in the holiday cottage etc if they want to put off OP. I still think they’ve been alerted that they’ve been too generous. Putting up family for free is one thing, but not friends.
Perhaps Minty and Giles' family will remember that next time they need the OP (or anyone else) to put them up at a time of need.

I do like the idea of paying the £500 and going anyway - but drinking the whisky and troughing the charcuterie board in front of them Grin

Lockdownbear · 30/08/2021 14:25

Really sad way of Minty & Giles to kill of a friendship.
Ops never going to think of them in the same way again. They'll always be a bit of mistrust. Op will never plan to visit them no matter how many invitations she receives and likewise she'll not be wanting to invite them to her place.

Something I read on there, 'the sorts to know the price of everything, but the value of nothing'.

Op I hope you are OK, I'd be incredibly hurt by what they have done. I hope you and your Dfriend are able to find somewhere else and are blessed with a good week together.

DeRigueurMortis · 30/08/2021 14:25

Well based on your update that they want a response sooner rather than later, it does indicate that this change of heart is based on the fact that someone else wants to rent the cottage at commercial rates.