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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend has decided to charge me to stay

999 replies

ploomo · 29/08/2021 13:25

I have friends (a retired couple) who have several times over the last few years urged me to come and stay with them. They have a very nice old house in the Settle area, with a separate 2-bedroom cottage in the gardens. Since they moved in 2016 it's always been 'Come and stay, we're so lucky to have this place and we want to share it. You can spend time with us but come and go as you please.' Earlier this year they invited me to come in September and I said yes and booked a week's leave.

I have another friend who was due to go away to Greece the same week but cancelled because of potential Covid complications. So I contacted my friends and asked how they would feel if my friend came with me. I emailed saying that I would be very happy to pay to rent the cottage as I would be bringing a stranger, and that we'd bring our own bedding and linen and leave the place scrupulously clean for the next occupants — basically, wanting to cause them as little work or hassle as possible. They emailed back saying they wouldn't take any money, any friend of mine was a friend of theirs. They said they'd host us both for dinner the first night and they'd take us out one day to a place they love, and that we could all go to the pub another night if we liked — but apart from that they just want us to have a good time.

That was more than a month ago. I spent about £150 on some special whisky I know they like and I've ordered some posh local artisan charcuterie and other goodies for them. This morning I've had an email from them saying that now they've had time to think about it, they feel that 'we would like to ask you and your friend to contribute £500 for your stay to cover electricity and other costs. We know that you will leave the place cleaner than you found it which is why we are happy to offer it at a reduced rate.'

I know that over the summer it's been let out for up to £1000 a week, so I suppose this is a good deal but I feel really sick and actually quite shaky about it. It's something about being offered a gift, a sign of appreciation and friendship, and then having it snatched back. I feel I can't really ask my friend to stump up the cash having told her it was free, so I'll have to foot the bill. If it wasn't for my friend really looking forward to it I'd tell them I couldn't come, but I'm going to have to go because of her.

Have they behaved badly or am I over-reacting? Who's BU —me or them?

OP posts:
rookiemere · 30/08/2021 12:38

But @EspressoDoubleShot OP is now left trying to find accommodation at the very last minute in a popular year with high prices.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 30/08/2021 12:40

Guests in waiting then.

No surprise there.

Sorry OP.

EspressoDoubleShot · 30/08/2021 12:40

I have uni friends who have a stunning Edinburgh flat, in the new town and inside new year perimeter zone too
There is no assumption of a freebie, if you want it you rent it, during festival or Xmas you’d pay the additional listed rate

NoSquirrels · 30/08/2021 12:41

I've had a polite message from them saying it would be helpful if I could reach a decision sooner rather than later, which does make me think that someone's approached them wanting to rent the place for the week I'm there.

It’s totally that! Let them rent it out and go somewhere else with your friend.

EspressoDoubleShot · 30/08/2021 12:41

So the op sorts something alternative A grand should cover it…@rookie

rookiemere · 30/08/2021 12:42

I wonder from your update OP if they have been stung by their previous largesse and had a revolving door full of potentially CF visitors and have now totted up the financial cost of that versus letting. You are the unfortunate first victim of this coming after the summer holidays and they have forgotten about your past generosity to their family.

JulesJules · 30/08/2021 12:45

I would definitely cancel. I just wouldn't enjoy it now, I think it would feel awkward, and I would be resentful of having to give gifts, take bedding and do the cleaning - and still have to pay £500! It seems clear that they have had an offer to let the cottage for that week, and still want to make some money from it despite having initially invited you for free.

(I would spend £150 on 2 nights Premier Inn in London with theatre tickets and a couple of lovely meals...)

EspressoDoubleShot · 30/08/2021 12:45

@SheldonesqueTheBstard

Guests in waiting then.

No surprise there.

Sorry OP.

Sorry what? It’s a rental. A for profit rental that they have guests who’ll pay lined up for They’ve done nothing wrong.
Lockdownbear · 30/08/2021 12:46

It definitely sounds like they have someone else waiting.
However that doesn't change the fact that I think they have been very cheeky and missing out on the 'don't mix business with pleasure mantra'.

I think it's going to be difficult to rescue the friendship from here no matter what you do as this is likely to leave ill feeling and you are unlikely to want to visit / stay with them again as you don't know what other stunts they'll pull.
What a stupid way to destroy trust and friendship.

MaMelon · 30/08/2021 12:48

@EspressoDoubleShot

I have uni friends who have a stunning Edinburgh flat, in the new town and inside new year perimeter zone too There is no assumption of a freebie, if you want it you rent it, during festival or Xmas you’d pay the additional listed rate
Presumably they haven’t said ‘come and visit us, we want to share our place’ to friends over the last 5 years, said no charge at all to their friends only to renege on that a month later, or expected other friends to host them without paying?
SheldonesqueTheBstard · 30/08/2021 12:52

espresso

No need to be sorry.

Quite a few posters thought the sudden about face re the fee was due to them wanting to rent out the cottage.

Which is fine. As you say.

Just not fine when you’ve invited a guest/friend to stay first.

InFiveMins · 30/08/2021 12:57

They are being unbelievably cheeky OP. I wouldn't consider them friends after this. Cancel on them and book a holiday elsewhere and have fun!

Brighterblighter · 30/08/2021 12:58

Good luck op!!

How awkward and so what if someone's approached them... They had offered you the chance to stay for years.

rookiemere · 30/08/2021 13:01

If you still want to stay in the area, Booking.com has a couple of nice 2 bedroom properties for under £600. Presumably not as luxurious as friends cottage if they can rent it for £1000, but at least you'd be a proper renter , rather than quasi guest but paying for the privilege.

MinnieGirl · 30/08/2021 13:01

[quote rookiemere]@ploomo the fact they want a quick answer is pretty indicative that they have had an offer from someone wanting to rent.
I think the graceful thing is to bow out otherwise they will be resentful that they lost half their income and you'll be resentful about paying.[/quote]
This.

It’s sad but some people just put profit above friendship.
You have hosted them and their daughter and clearly wouldn’t dream of asking for payment. But they are different.

This is a great opportunity to bow out gracefully, and cancel the goodies on order or redirect them to yourself!

Original poster
ploomo · 30/08/2021 13:03

you didn't make it clear at the start of your thread that their cottage is a holiday cottage business. You implied it was in their garden and used for friends like you.

It's not a holiday cottage business. A quick look at FB for the last three months confirms lots of photos of their children and grandchildren and friends, some of whom I know, with mentions of how wonderful it is to have X and Y staying this week.

OP posts:
EspressoDoubleShot · 30/08/2021 13:03

Both parties are in wrong,and it all turns on assumptions and inability to be candid.
The inability to say holiday rentals are in demand and we’d prefer to rent
The inability to say, yes I agree in reflection charging me half price is an astonishing bargain

The whisky, the gifts are all conspicuous giving to make op feel super that she’s sooooo generous. Oh look and me and my thoughtful gifts. Aren’t I super?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/08/2021 13:06

Ah there you go then - I'd bet for sure that they've had someone wanting to book it.

Excellent - it gives you the perfect excuse to say that you can't make it after all so they can rent it out and get their full fee.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 30/08/2021 13:06

@BeaucoupFish

Some ‘friends’ eh ? Basically greed overcame them at the last minute, they must be so thick skinned to do this and not feel any embarrassment I personally would not go
I'd be the same.

I'd contact them and say that you are shocked that they have not only changed their minds about charging, but are asking for so much. If it was to cover electricity etc, a £100 AT THE VERY MOST would have been more than sufficient.

And after all - they are the ones who have been badgering you to stay - you didn't ask them. You could also ask if they know anyone else who likes GlenMacWhatever fancy whisky, as the original intended recipient isn't going to be offered it.

Having said that, i think this is what they are hoping you would do, and they can then let it out at daft money rates.

I do think they are being mean.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 30/08/2021 13:07

I’d cancel. They sound greedy and not people I’d want to spend time with.
It makes absolutely no difference if you take a friend.
What happens in the future if you have a partner? Will you have to pay to visit your friends if you dare to bring your partner along?

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 30/08/2021 13:07

No the gifts were a thoughtful gesture and a gesture that any decent guest would do. No ‘aren’t I super’ about it.

£500 is undoubtedly a bargain. Just not when it was offered for free first.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 30/08/2021 13:07

The whisky, the gifts are all conspicuous giving to make op feel super that she’s sooooo generous. Oh look and me and my thoughtful gifts. Aren’t I super?

I disagree - I think it looks appreciative and grateful.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 30/08/2021 13:08

Indeed schadey

EspressoDoubleShot · 30/08/2021 13:08

It’s OTT and conspicuously too much. Attention seeking

sunglassesonthetable · 30/08/2021 13:10

Actually they’ve offered you an easy out without any daft blustery excuses
Both parties can emerge from this unscathed and not at a financial loss

Just the small matter of how you treat friends.