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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend has decided to charge me to stay

999 replies

ploomo · 29/08/2021 13:25

I have friends (a retired couple) who have several times over the last few years urged me to come and stay with them. They have a very nice old house in the Settle area, with a separate 2-bedroom cottage in the gardens. Since they moved in 2016 it's always been 'Come and stay, we're so lucky to have this place and we want to share it. You can spend time with us but come and go as you please.' Earlier this year they invited me to come in September and I said yes and booked a week's leave.

I have another friend who was due to go away to Greece the same week but cancelled because of potential Covid complications. So I contacted my friends and asked how they would feel if my friend came with me. I emailed saying that I would be very happy to pay to rent the cottage as I would be bringing a stranger, and that we'd bring our own bedding and linen and leave the place scrupulously clean for the next occupants — basically, wanting to cause them as little work or hassle as possible. They emailed back saying they wouldn't take any money, any friend of mine was a friend of theirs. They said they'd host us both for dinner the first night and they'd take us out one day to a place they love, and that we could all go to the pub another night if we liked — but apart from that they just want us to have a good time.

That was more than a month ago. I spent about £150 on some special whisky I know they like and I've ordered some posh local artisan charcuterie and other goodies for them. This morning I've had an email from them saying that now they've had time to think about it, they feel that 'we would like to ask you and your friend to contribute £500 for your stay to cover electricity and other costs. We know that you will leave the place cleaner than you found it which is why we are happy to offer it at a reduced rate.'

I know that over the summer it's been let out for up to £1000 a week, so I suppose this is a good deal but I feel really sick and actually quite shaky about it. It's something about being offered a gift, a sign of appreciation and friendship, and then having it snatched back. I feel I can't really ask my friend to stump up the cash having told her it was free, so I'll have to foot the bill. If it wasn't for my friend really looking forward to it I'd tell them I couldn't come, but I'm going to have to go because of her.

Have they behaved badly or am I over-reacting? Who's BU —me or them?

OP posts:
Fubitch · 30/08/2021 11:02

The thing is, you are going to have to get to the bottom of it as realistically you're probably never going to stay there ever in the future, which will become awkward when it gets brought up.

You might have to be direct and say, oh dear have I changed the dynamic by bringing friend? I wasn't looking to rent a holiday cottage, I was coming to visit you.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 30/08/2021 11:04

Am I the only one wondering if the hosts might have been hoping to spring this on OP once she was there - maybe at the first night dinner? They know she isn't hard up and would have the money, so I'm surmising if they were planning on raising it then.

"We're sure you'll have a wonderful time - it's a lovely cottage, extremely popular. It's almost permanently booked, you know - the going rate is £1,000 a week, which pays for the bills, upkeep, maintenance and helps provide us with our income - we really rely on the money we get for it. In fact, you were lucky you got in there when you did, as we've had a lot of enquiries for that very week and have had to turn away a few groups of paying customers".

IF my ponderings are anything whatsoever like the above, they would have had a very good idea that OP would then have insisted on paying them the money (and been able to), BUT with the friend there, it could have been too awkward for them to try to emotionally blackmail a stranger, who may call them out dissent and/or not be in a position to pay anyway.

I may be way off track, but it's a common ploy by some wealthier people (and how they stay wealthy) - offer something apparently free, so that you enthusiastically accept, and then hit you with the hitherto completely unmentioned money they want, in the knowledge that you'll feel far too awkward to change your mind and decline - because you will be made to look like the CF in the scenario.

Lanique · 30/08/2021 11:05

Obviously op, you'll need to spring a bill upon your friends next time they visit, and ask that they help you to clean their bedroom and communal areas before they leave. Don't forget to add those petrol costs for the trip you did while helping their dd 👹

(Lighthearted - obviously I'm joking)

MinnieGirl · 30/08/2021 11:07

@Honeymare

Ok I've thought about this A Lot.

Given this is a long-term deep friendship I assume you don't want to immediately fall out with them over what is clearly differing perspectives (I am fully in your camp but the varieties of replies here demonstrate it is not unanimous.)

I would not go on the holiday as I think it is sullied now. So the only thing to do is back out gracefully and give the friendship some time to breathe and gather your own thoughts about whether you are keen to even stay friends.

I would message

"Hey sorry for delayed reply, I've a lot going on here. I've been thinking about your offer and while you are very generous to halve the rental income for us, it had become awkward for me at this end as I told my friend it was free. I don't feel comfortable saying to her now there is a change of plan. We bought some gifts for you as a thanks and had planned to take you out etc so I will need to explain if those things are no longer happening. I know your property will be in demand and it's not fair to have you miss out on 1k in rent. Does it make sense for me to come at a different time alone? Myself and friend will book something else for this week as I can't let her down now. It would mean I can catch up with you properly on the next visit."

That’s perfect.

It’s acknowledging that their cottage is a business, and that they are loosing out on rental. At the same time it also acknowledges that it is a last minute change of agreement that won’t work. And it leaves the ball in the CF court… and all in a very polite and non-aggressive manor.

Personally, I would not be able to view them in the same way again, and if I did visit, it would be for an afternoon as I was in the area type visit.

DoubleTweenQueen · 30/08/2021 11:17

@cricketmum84 Yes, I read and replied to the original post.
It doesn't matter if you ask first.

MaMelon · 30/08/2021 11:20

[quote DoubleTweenQueen]@cricketmum84 Yes, I read and replied to the original post.
It doesn't matter if you ask first.[/quote]
It doesn’t matter if you ask first and they say there’s no charge - that they won’t accept money because a friend of yours is a friend of theirs?

Unless you work on the premise that everyone is lying how on Earth does that work?!

Heliachi · 30/08/2021 11:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

peachgreen · 30/08/2021 11:28

I emailed saying that I would be very happy to pay to rent the cottage as I would be bringing a stranger, and that we'd bring our own bedding and linen and leave the place scrupulously clean for the next occupants — basically, wanting to cause them as little work or hassle as possible.

The thing is, you were happy to do this, but now suddenly you're not. They should never have said you could stay for free and then rescinded the offer, but ultimately you offered to pay because you appreciated that bringing a stranger changed the dynamic (I understand you wouldn't have been spending every second with them but it does change it philosophically from you visiting friends to you having a holiday with a friend and staying with them).

They haven't handled it well, but I don't think they're being unreasonable. I do understand why you feel a bit stung, but I think if they'd offered the £500 price immediately you would have been happy, so it's not the money that's upset you but the way they've communicated. Which I suspect they also regret.

Taswama · 30/08/2021 11:29

@DoubleTweenQueen

Does no-one consult Debrett's anymore? Tut tut :D
I seem to have mislaid my copy @DoubleTweenQueen . What does it say on the matter?
FindingMeno · 30/08/2021 11:31

They are being unreasonable.
I would cancel.

EspressoDoubleShot · 30/08/2021 11:31

By inviting the other person as a guest you changed the dynamic,turned it into holiday let. Plus you offered to pay rent. So in fact it’s you who changed the tone made it more of a transaction eg a holiday let. I think they’ve charged you what they think is a fair amount (I agree it’s debatable of it is or not) but nonetheless two of you have got a holiday for £250 a week , quiet a bargain, when the prices are inflated at the moment .

TheWeatherWitch · 30/08/2021 11:31

If my ‘friends’ decided to charge me, I’d decide £500 was a bit rich for me and I’d cancel the visit. Even if I could afford it, I’d tell them I couldn’t.

EspressoDoubleShot · 30/08/2021 11:32

Two paying £250 is of course the £500. Quite a good price I’d say

DoubleTweenQueen · 30/08/2021 11:35

@ploomo If I actually valued them as friends, I would go. I would arrive (with other friend) and gifts.
I would, at the earliest possible convenience, get them on their own and apologize for the imposition of other to the invitation but explain other's straits regarding their original planned trip, that you wanted to do something nice for them to salvage the situation, and this seemed to be a possible solution.
That I'd asked their agreement before realising that it would change the nature of my visit with them, and that I completely understood the decision to ask for a modest fee and then request their bank details to forward the £500.
Likelihood being, when you're there in front of them, all happy to see each other, I wouldn't be surprised if they thought better of charging you at all, but I would accept the situation with good grace, whatever.

I would then do my utmost to make the most of my visit, and leave with positive feelings of a rescued friendship and ill-feelings dispersed.

That's if the hosts are actually friends rather than useful acquaintances.

If you cancel because if this, the friendship will also go.

Depends what you want to do now?

MaMelon · 30/08/2021 11:36

@EspressoDoubleShot

Two paying £250 is of course the £500. Quite a good price I’d say
How much is your weekly utility bill that you think £250 per person is a good price to be charged?! Grin
WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 30/08/2021 11:37

They haven't handled it well, but I don't think they're being unreasonable. I do understand why you feel a bit stung, but I think if they'd offered the £500 price immediately you would have been happy, so it's not the money that's upset you but the way they've communicated. Which I suspect they also regret.

But that's the whole point of this thread, isn't it? Not the financial contribution, which OP was very happy with, but the awkwardness in suddenly changing what was agreed - and then claiming that it's to cover the bills which would be 5% of that or less, just for a week.

Especially as OP went ahead, having made the agreement, in buying lovely expensive, carefully-thought-out gifts for the hosts in lieu of contributing to rent - and has now been landed with paying for both.

hippychick10 · 30/08/2021 11:38

@EspressoDoubleShot

By inviting the other person as a guest you changed the dynamic,turned it into holiday let. Plus you offered to pay rent. So in fact it’s you who changed the tone made it more of a transaction eg a holiday let. I think they’ve charged you what they think is a fair amount (I agree it’s debatable of it is or not) but nonetheless two of you have got a holiday for £250 a week , quiet a bargain, when the prices are inflated at the moment .
But they said (when she asked) it was ok for her to take a friend and that she didn't have to pay anything!! Again she did offer to pay but they said no!

It then took them a month more to then ask her for £500!!

Very cheeky of them and I'd say thanks but no thanks to them now I'm afraid!

EspressoDoubleShot · 30/08/2021 11:39

I think £500 a week for a cottage on settle is an absolute bargain at the moment. Have a look on air b&b see what cost cottages are actually listed for. £500 is an absolute steal

sunglassesonthetable · 30/08/2021 11:41

*The dynamic has turned weird so I'd tell them that given the circumstances you have decided to cancel your trip and hope they're well.

Sometimes when things get like this it's better to just call it off, rather than try and navigate through a situation where you feel a bit put out.

@Eddielzzard *

Yes, very much so.

*But I couldn't bear the thought of them mulling over my supposed cheek and then deciding, rather than suck it up so as not to cause offence, they were so put out they had to charge me.

@AhNowTed*

Yes Yes Yes

It's a pride thing but I think I would give them the whiskey. Which I know others wouldn't agree with. But you bought it for them, as a friendly thank you, you think of them as friends, just because they reneged on your friendly agreement, doesn't mean you would.

" Hello sorry I didn't get to see you, but I had this for you. Hope you're well. "

Let them take pause and think on the situation. You're not a freeloader.

Personally I think @Honeymare put it really well.

EspressoDoubleShot · 30/08/2021 11:42

Op offered to pay rent probably in hope/expectation they’d decline. They didnt decline and op doesn’t really want to pay
That’s the problem with empty expansive gestures, someone may take you up on the offer

alexdgr8 · 30/08/2021 11:42

@Grimbelina

Lanique I also think you might well be right about the Lady Bountiful etc...
yes. i've been done to like this, kept as a sort of charity case to be used as and when to polish up their credentials as oh so caring liberal people.
MaMelon · 30/08/2021 11:46

@EspressoDoubleShot

Op offered to pay rent probably in hope/expectation they’d decline. They didnt decline and op doesn’t really want to pay That’s the problem with empty expansive gestures, someone may take you up on the offer
They did decline!
peachgreen · 30/08/2021 11:47

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

Yes, all good points and true - I was more responding to OP's other replies which have focused (due to the line of questioning from other posters) on whether them charging her in the first place was reasonable. Which I think it is, and presumably OP originally did too, given she offered. But it absolutely should have been done immediately when OP offered rather than now. I assume they felt put on the spot (whether justifiably or not) and then regretted saying no. Ultimately I think they should have sucked it up because it's rude to rescind an offer. But

sunglassesonthetable · 30/08/2021 11:50

Op offered to pay rent probably in hope/expectation they’d decline. They didnt decline and op doesn’t really want to pay
That’s the problem with empty expansive gestures, someone may take you up on the offer

Seems like their declining OP's offer to pay was the "empty, expansive gesture " tbh.

Especially the "your friend is our friend bit".

JinglingHellsBells · 30/08/2021 11:50

I've not read 25 pages, but...@ploomo

you didn't make it clear at the start of your thread that their cottage is a holiday cottage business. You implied it was in their garden and used for friends like you.

On the other hand, you are not going to use £500 off electric in a week or cost them anything like that in cleaning etc.

So they are offering it to you as a holiday let with a discount.

I'd refuse to go and also discuss with them at some point in the future, the basis for you stays from now on.

At the moment it seems as if they want to cash in on staycations.

I feel they have been very mean and although they would rather have £500 than not, they have gone back on their word.

Some friends.