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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend has decided to charge me to stay

999 replies

ploomo · 29/08/2021 13:25

I have friends (a retired couple) who have several times over the last few years urged me to come and stay with them. They have a very nice old house in the Settle area, with a separate 2-bedroom cottage in the gardens. Since they moved in 2016 it's always been 'Come and stay, we're so lucky to have this place and we want to share it. You can spend time with us but come and go as you please.' Earlier this year they invited me to come in September and I said yes and booked a week's leave.

I have another friend who was due to go away to Greece the same week but cancelled because of potential Covid complications. So I contacted my friends and asked how they would feel if my friend came with me. I emailed saying that I would be very happy to pay to rent the cottage as I would be bringing a stranger, and that we'd bring our own bedding and linen and leave the place scrupulously clean for the next occupants — basically, wanting to cause them as little work or hassle as possible. They emailed back saying they wouldn't take any money, any friend of mine was a friend of theirs. They said they'd host us both for dinner the first night and they'd take us out one day to a place they love, and that we could all go to the pub another night if we liked — but apart from that they just want us to have a good time.

That was more than a month ago. I spent about £150 on some special whisky I know they like and I've ordered some posh local artisan charcuterie and other goodies for them. This morning I've had an email from them saying that now they've had time to think about it, they feel that 'we would like to ask you and your friend to contribute £500 for your stay to cover electricity and other costs. We know that you will leave the place cleaner than you found it which is why we are happy to offer it at a reduced rate.'

I know that over the summer it's been let out for up to £1000 a week, so I suppose this is a good deal but I feel really sick and actually quite shaky about it. It's something about being offered a gift, a sign of appreciation and friendship, and then having it snatched back. I feel I can't really ask my friend to stump up the cash having told her it was free, so I'll have to foot the bill. If it wasn't for my friend really looking forward to it I'd tell them I couldn't come, but I'm going to have to go because of her.

Have they behaved badly or am I over-reacting? Who's BU —me or them?

OP posts:

phishy · 30/08/2021 10:23

@SunShinesBrightly

I can't believe how many posters are totally ignoring the blatant back tracking of the hosts. Are you honestly saying that if you were offered a free holiday then told at the last minute that actually you have to pay you wouldn't be a bit annoyed?

They invited the OP to stay as their guest in their cottage. They hoped to spend time with her and planned several outings with her and implied that the cottage was hers to use.

The OP has totally changed this dynamic by telling them that she was bringing a friend.
Very rude of the OP.
The OP and the friend are now in the same category as others who stay independently in the cottage as paying visitors.

Several, really? Dinner the first night and an outing doesn’t count as several.

It’s nice of them but hardly several and they told OP they could come and go as they pleased.

DoubleTweenQueen · 30/08/2021 10:24

Does no-one consult Debrett's anymore? Tut tut
:D

MaMelon · 30/08/2021 10:24

@SunShinesBrightly

They invited the OP to stay as their guest in their cottage. They hoped to spend time with her and planned several outings with her and implied that the cottage was hers to use.

From the OP

I emailed saying that I would be very happy to pay to rent the cottage as I would be bringing a stranger, and that we'd bring our own bedding and linen and leave the place scrupulously clean for the next occupants — basically, wanting to cause them as little work or hassle as possible. They emailed back saying they wouldn't take any money, any friend of mine was a friend of theirs.

That last sentence is key.

Notmoresugar · 30/08/2021 10:25

....."They invited the OP to stay as their guest in their cottage. They hoped to spend time with her and planned several outings with her and implied that the cottage was hers to use.

THIS WITH BELLS ON

phishy · 30/08/2021 10:27

@SunShinesBrightly

They invited the OP to stay as their guest in their cottage. They hoped to spend time with her and planned several outings with her and implied that the cottage was hers to use.

And she didn’t TELL them she asked. Did you even bother reading it or just want to spew and sputter?

Odisia · 30/08/2021 10:27

I agree completely with Bluntness and Sheshinesbrightly.

MaMelon · 30/08/2021 10:28

Again, from the OP They emailed back saying they wouldn't take any money, any friend of mine was a friend of theirs

THIS WITH BELLS ON.

The OP offered them money and they declined!

phishy · 30/08/2021 10:29

@MaMelon

Again, from the OP They emailed back saying they wouldn't take any money, any friend of mine was a friend of theirs

THIS WITH BELLS ON.

The OP offered them money and they declined!

💯 agreed. Wish people and their sheeple would learn to read.

Heliachi · 30/08/2021 10:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 30/08/2021 10:31

But OP didn’t tell the hosts she was bringing a friend.

She asked if it was ok to bring a friend.

Completely different.

And blindsided people would generally reply ‘that’s ok’ or ‘fine’.

Not an effusive ‘any friend of OP is a friend of ours’.

Clearly they are not because they aren’t being treated like a friend. And nor is the OP.

And to be offered money and refuse it and then backtrack a month later?

That is what is rude.

DottyHarmer · 30/08/2021 10:31

As per pp, I reckon the couple have discussed this with friends/their dc, who have told them that OP is a cf and should be paying. They have then stewed over it and this reneged on their original offer.

Odisia · 30/08/2021 10:35

OP did you have any contact with them since you asked about bringing your friend or is the request for money the first time you've heard from them since? If you haven't heard from them it seems likely they are fed up with you for inviting the friend.

LizzieAnt · 30/08/2021 10:35

@DoubleTweenQueen

Again - it is very bad manners indeed for a person invited to someone's home/property as a guest for a few days to then extend that invitation to an additional person, unknown and uninvited by the hosts! No wonder the hosts were blindsided. It shouldn't happen. (A +1 is for a date or partner of invitee to a party or other such celebration - not for a random other to be an additional guest)

The OP is far more BU in this case.

The End :D

I'd agree if the plan was for the OP to spend most of every day with her hosts. But that's not the case here. There are 2-3 dates planned over the course of the week, the rest of the time the OP will probably be on her own.

I do think they have been taken aback by the extra guest however OP, even though I think they are BU in these particular circumstances. The €500 is probably the fee for your friend. Clearly their generosity has limits and I'd think less of them for it tbh. The Fitzgerald quote upthread seems apt.

teaandcrumpets35 · 30/08/2021 10:36

@SunShinesBrightly the OP told them of her plans to invite a friend. Acknowledged the change in dynamic and offered to pay! They said no. They are wrong to 'reconsider' at this late stage when the OP hasn't had the chance to budget.

It would be completely different if she had just assumed it was ok and not made any offer to pay. The hosts are the ones who have moved the goalposts at such a late stage.

AhNowTed · 30/08/2021 10:36

I agree the OP changed the dynamic.

But I couldn't bear the thought of them mulling over my supposed cheek and then deciding, rather than suck it up so as not to cause offence, they were so put out they had to charge me.

So I would very politely decline.

AdobeWanKenobi · 30/08/2021 10:39

@HasaDigaEebowai

You were a CF - end of.

Oh close the thread! We have an “End of!” 😂

cricketmum84 · 30/08/2021 10:39

Haven't had chance to RTFT but I would be returning the whisky, cancelling the charcuterie and booking something else with my friend and telling her the truth about what "friends" have said.

I also wouldn't be continuing the friendship with the cottage couple.

Heliachi · 30/08/2021 10:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

DoubleTweenQueen · 30/08/2021 10:45

Manners are important - they help everyone know what's expected so to avoid engendering miscommunication, confusion and hurt/slight between people who would, or would like to, call each other friends.

OP overstepped the mark, and upset the trust and expectations of her friends, who have been trying to figure out what the situation actually was and whether they were seen as friends or a simple convenience. There response was clunky, but not surprising.
But it was the OP that cast the spanner.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 30/08/2021 10:46

he had bought himself a frozen supermarket freezer at one stage (just one for him, mind - not enough for his very generous hosts too)

I realise it was 958 pages ago, but just in case anybody saw this and was puzzled, 'freezer' was meant to say 'pizza'.

MaMelon · 30/08/2021 10:49

No - the OP did not cast the spanner.

The OP asked if it was ok to bring a friend (presumably for company during much of her holiday)
She offered to pay
Her offer was declined - ‘a friend of yours is a friend of ours’
She spent £150 on thank you gifts

No rudeness thus far until…

‘Actually, friend and friend of friend who is now our friend, we have now changed our minds - £500 for utilities for the week please and thank you’

THAT is the cast spanner.

cricketmum84 · 30/08/2021 10:51

@DoubleTweenQueen

Did you even read the original post?

OP was polite, asked if she could bring a friend and offered to pay. There was no spanner and more than enough good manners!

Honeymare · 30/08/2021 10:51

Ok I've thought about this A Lot.

Given this is a long-term deep friendship I assume you don't want to immediately fall out with them over what is clearly differing perspectives (I am fully in your camp but the varieties of replies here demonstrate it is not unanimous.)

I would not go on the holiday as I think it is sullied now. So the only thing to do is back out gracefully and give the friendship some time to breathe and gather your own thoughts about whether you are keen to even stay friends.

I would message

"Hey sorry for delayed reply, I've a lot going on here. I've been thinking about your offer and while you are very generous to halve the rental income for us, it had become awkward for me at this end as I told my friend it was free. I don't feel comfortable saying to her now there is a change of plan. We bought some gifts for you as a thanks and had planned to take you out etc so I will need to explain if those things are no longer happening. I know your property will be in demand and it's not fair to have you miss out on 1k in rent. Does it make sense for me to come at a different time alone? Myself and friend will book something else for this week as I can't let her down now. It would mean I can catch up with you properly on the next visit."

Eddielzzard · 30/08/2021 10:52

The dynamic has turned weird so I'd tell them that given the circumstances you have decided to cancel your trip and hope they're well.

Sometimes when things get like this it's better to just call it off, rather than try and navigate through a situation where you feel a bit put out. Them saying they know you'll clean it hence the reduced rate is rather missing the point. Particularly when they visit you and enjoy your hospitality regularly, presumably NOT cleaning or contributing 'to bills'. They clearly no longer see your visit as you visiting them to catch up, but you taking advantage of their accommodation, whether that's your intention or not.

Cancel the whisky, eat the charcuterie and chalk it up to experience.

Lanique · 30/08/2021 11:02

I think something along the lines of @Honeymare's text would be good. I do think that at times like this it's best to be honest and upfront about things in a non-aggressive manner, than to try and obfuscate with muttered and bewildering excuses.

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