Friend has decided to charge me to stay

[ploomo]

I have friends (a retired couple) who have several times over the last few years urged me to come and stay with them. They have a very nice old house in the Settle area, with a separate 2-bedroom cottage in the gardens. Since they moved in 2016 it's always been 'Come and stay, we're so lucky to have this place and we want to share it. You can spend time with us but come and go as you please.' Earlier this year they invited me to come in September and I said yes and booked a week's leave.

I have another friend who was due to go away to Greece the same week but cancelled because of potential Covid complications. So I contacted my friends and asked how they would feel if my friend came with me. I emailed saying that I would be very happy to pay to rent the cottage as I would be bringing a stranger, and that we'd bring our own bedding and linen and leave the place scrupulously clean for the next occupants — basically, wanting to cause them as little work or hassle as possible. They emailed back saying they wouldn't take any money, any friend of mine was a friend of theirs. They said they'd host us both for dinner the first night and they'd take us out one day to a place they love, and that we could all go to the pub another night if we liked — but apart from that they just want us to have a good time.

That was more than a month ago. I spent about £150 on some special whisky I know they like and I've ordered some posh local artisan charcuterie and other goodies for them. This morning I've had an email from them saying that now they've had time to think about it, they feel that 'we would like to ask you and your friend to contribute £500 for your stay to cover electricity and other costs. We know that you will leave the place cleaner than you found it which is why we are happy to offer it at a reduced rate.'

I know that over the summer it's been let out for up to £1000 a week, so I suppose this is a good deal but I feel really sick and actually quite shaky about it. It's something about being offered a gift, a sign of appreciation and friendship, and then having it snatched back. I feel I can't really ask my friend to stump up the cash having told her it was free, so I'll have to foot the bill. If it wasn't for my friend really looking forward to it I'd tell them I couldn't come, but I'm going to have to go because of her.

Have they behaved badly or am I over-reacting? Who's BU —me or them?

@LimeRedBanana

I'm increasingly inclined to organise an independent holiday for the two of us, free of any sense of obligation.

This is absolutely what I’d do.

This

The problem is, you won't try to see it from their pov, you're only thinking about what you would do & feel as a host. Regardless of who's in the right, they have been offended by you inviting your friend and its changed the whole dynamic of your visit.

You need to decide whether you value their friendship enough to simply take it on the chin and cough up... less extras as others have said. You did offer to pay in the first place, which maybe sparked the idea in their heads.

You were a CF - end of.

I just think they have thought how much holiday accommodation is going for in the Uk at the moment and are regretting their offer . Money is obviously more important. I would say it’s a lot to find without notice and you will check with friend if you can still come and see how they react . Very bad manners from them

Weird to feel "sick and shaky" about something which you could just cancel.

It's awkward now. I wouldn't be able to go. I would book somewhere else and just spend the extra money. Worth it for not feeling embarrassed the whole time.

I can see both sides. But I think they are being VU and CFs by changing their minds like this. I think it will be super-awkward if you go, so I guess in your position I'd go somewhere else with friend. I doubt if your friendship will ever recover, no matter what you do. What a pity.

@HasaDigaEebowai

You were a CF - end of.

Not end of, given how many people on this thread disagree. OP has done nothing cheeky

@HasaDigaEebowai

You were a CF - end of.

What makes the Op a CF? She offered money in the first place and asked if it was OK to bring a friend. And was prepared to bring lavish gifts.

Asking money at the last minute from a friend and expecting her to clean the place is cheeky.
She's either visiting as a friend or as a paying customer. Turning a friend into a paying customer becomes very unwelcoming.

So I contacted my friends and asked how they would feel if my friend came with me. I emailed saying that I would be very happy to pay to rent the cottage as I would be bringing a stranger, and that we'd bring our own bedding and linen and leave the place scrupulously clean for the next occupants — basically, wanting to cause them as little work or hassle as possible. They emailed back saying they wouldn't take any money, any friend of mine was a friend of theirs.

Going back to the OP I can't believe anyone thinks she was unreasonable. She distinctly asked how they would feel if she brought a friend. She didn't present it as a fait accompli, she asked.

I couldn't stay there now and quite honestly I couldn't be arsed with being obliged to spend time with them either.

Thanks Grimbelina

Another thought I've had is that the hosts are quite happy to play Lord and Lady Bountiful to the grateful lonely dog outside in the kennel, which comes bounding up tail a-wagging as soon as it is called, but as soon as the dog brings a mate along it becomes an altogether less controllable entity with a mind and ideas and a life of its own. In other words you plus friend may have fun and exciting plans of your own and they don't like that idea very much.

That sounds awfully cynical and probably a bit deep, but sometimes I wonder if the sole purpose of charity and generosity is to serve the giver more than the beneficiary.

I'm genuinely shocked that posters are calling the OP cheeky for not wanting to spend a week alone for 90% of the time.

All these stupid comments about the friend being a stranger they don't know so she should not invite.

It is standard practice in our society if invited to a dinner party, or a party, a barbecue etc at someone's house, to be invited to bring along a plus one, and in many or most cases the hosts don't know the plus one. I've been the plus one many times and was always welcomed. I took a bottle, flowers, or something to eat as my contribution, I was given free food, drink and hospitality, and NOT CHARGED.

Nobody would invite a guest to dinner then present them with a bill so why are so many of you saying she has to spend a week 90% alone or cough up £500?

OP if you won't just ring them and ask, at least ring and say your friend now cannot come, just to see if that £500 magically disappears or not.

Exactly Maskless. If the friend were the op's partner, would they charge them then??

Just stay elsewhere, it’s less awkward and less hassle.

I had, on a far smaller scale, a friend do similar. She has a static caravan and said very frequently I must use it for free. I insisted I’d take my own stuff and pay for utilities and the ground rent so she wasn’t actually out of pocket. When it came to it she decided she wanted more per night than it added up to stay with the park direct! As staying direct meant I got entertainment passes and cleaning included I booked direct, and saved £150.

Agree @Maskless.

@Maskless

I'm genuinely shocked that posters are calling the OP cheeky for not wanting to spend a week alone for 90% of the time.

All these stupid comments about the friend being a stranger they don't know so she should not invite.

It is standard practice in our society if invited to a dinner party, or a party, a barbecue etc at someone's house, to be invited to bring along a plus one, and in many or most cases the hosts don't know the plus one. I've been the plus one many times and was always welcomed. I took a bottle, flowers, or something to eat as my contribution, I was given free food, drink and hospitality, and NOT CHARGED.

Nobody would invite a guest to dinner then present them with a bill so why are so many of you saying she has to spend a week 90% alone or cough up £500?

OP if you won't just ring them and ask, at least ring and say your friend now cannot come, just to see if that £500 magically disappears or not.

It doesn’t Matter if it’s standard practice in your society, the invite wasn’t for plus one. It’s not about you. And very few people invite a stranger whose only a mate to stay in someone’s house for a week when going to visit them. It might be fine in your society to bring your mates to stay in peoples houses, but it’s not for most of us

And the op knew, she knew fine well. That’s why she offered rent. When the host then said yes fine I’ll take it, she’s got pissed off.

Bluntness she's not staying in the house. That would be a somewhat different scenario. The set up is an outbuilding where the hosts have made it clear that the set up is very easy come and easy go and that they've made it clear they will not be at the op's disposal 24/7.

It is standard practice in our society if invited to a dinner party, or a party, a barbecue etc at someone's house, to be invited to bring along a plus one, and in many or most cases the hosts don't know the plus one

It is NOT standard practice to invite someone to stay in your guest bedroom and for them to invite along a friend. For a week!
That is what the OP has done!

Omg it is not a guest bedroom but a self contained holiday let. 🤦‍♀️ a totally different dynamic to having a guest in your house.

I know because I have both set ups myself and it's very different having guests sleep in the outbuilding to one of the rooms in the house.

You could still go with your friend and have a lovely time. It's great that your friend thinks it's funny and wants to pay. Honestly I think I'd still go, split the cost with the friend and just make the most of it. Don't let this incident trash your long friendship with these people. Maybe you'll enjoy your time both with your friend and with the cottage owners?

Cancel but i do wonder why you had to invite a friend too. I'm sure your friend is lovely but this has happened to me...made me feel like i wasnt worth much alone as company.

@Lanique

Bluntness she's not staying in the house. That would be a somewhat different scenario. The set up is an outbuilding where the hosts have made it clear that the set up is very easy come and easy go and that they've made it clear they will not be at the op's disposal 24/7.

I’m aware of that, but it’s still part of their home for goodness sake. Ans they invited the op. Not her mate to come for a free holiday because hers was cancelled. The op knew that, otherwise why would she offer to pay rent as she wanted to bring a stranger for a holiday.

And the op should not have offered to pay rent to soften the blow of bringing a friend if she didn’t wish to pay it.

@icedcoffees

I had their daughter and her toddler stay for several nights at one point when she and her partner were splitting up. She would have gone to her parents' home but they were away and she didn't have keys. So she came here and then I drove them the 300 miles to her mum and dad. I didn't intend to mention it, but that's the kind of awful friend I've been to them and their family.

That's a lovely thing to do, but it's not connected to this situation at all.

Yes, you did a nice thing, but they're not obliged to return that kindness by hosting a stranger in their home.

OH YES THEY ARE!

Well complex !
I’d go and think how great to have a cheap holiday for me and friend (with plenty of time apart and with friends - sounds well balanced).
They were in the wrong by agreeing to you both using the cottage and ‘not accepting money’ and then asking for money.
I would just accept this was crap but not let it ruin friendship/holiday.
As I read it I felt perhaps a child or friend had said something to them about not great for the cottage to be used for free holidays and setting a precedent etc and they’ve wrongly and clumsily reneged (probably without saying ‘she offered and we said no’)
Have fun