Friend has decided to charge me to stay

[ploomo]

I have friends (a retired couple) who have several times over the last few years urged me to come and stay with them. They have a very nice old house in the Settle area, with a separate 2-bedroom cottage in the gardens. Since they moved in 2016 it's always been 'Come and stay, we're so lucky to have this place and we want to share it. You can spend time with us but come and go as you please.' Earlier this year they invited me to come in September and I said yes and booked a week's leave.

I have another friend who was due to go away to Greece the same week but cancelled because of potential Covid complications. So I contacted my friends and asked how they would feel if my friend came with me. I emailed saying that I would be very happy to pay to rent the cottage as I would be bringing a stranger, and that we'd bring our own bedding and linen and leave the place scrupulously clean for the next occupants — basically, wanting to cause them as little work or hassle as possible. They emailed back saying they wouldn't take any money, any friend of mine was a friend of theirs. They said they'd host us both for dinner the first night and they'd take us out one day to a place they love, and that we could all go to the pub another night if we liked — but apart from that they just want us to have a good time.

That was more than a month ago. I spent about £150 on some special whisky I know they like and I've ordered some posh local artisan charcuterie and other goodies for them. This morning I've had an email from them saying that now they've had time to think about it, they feel that 'we would like to ask you and your friend to contribute £500 for your stay to cover electricity and other costs. We know that you will leave the place cleaner than you found it which is why we are happy to offer it at a reduced rate.'

I know that over the summer it's been let out for up to £1000 a week, so I suppose this is a good deal but I feel really sick and actually quite shaky about it. It's something about being offered a gift, a sign of appreciation and friendship, and then having it snatched back. I feel I can't really ask my friend to stump up the cash having told her it was free, so I'll have to foot the bill. If it wasn't for my friend really looking forward to it I'd tell them I couldn't come, but I'm going to have to go because of her.

Have they behaved badly or am I over-reacting? Who's BU —me or them?

Yes OP can you get a refund on the whisky or sell it on Ebay or something? I'd cancel the charcuterie.
Staying somewhere else makes sense at this point. If you do decide to stay in the cottage I'd ask if they could reinstate the cleaner for that week and you'll pay the extra £50 or whatever it is, so you're not worried about cleaning all holiday.It has now become a transactional arrangement so you may as well treat it as such.

I think they sound quite odd tbh. The price is far too much to cover bills, cleaning etc and although I accept the addition of a friend has complicated things I still they are taking the piss.

Your can either cancel the whole thing and accept that is likely to be the end of your 'friendship'. You and your other friend could then either find somewhere else to go (you prob wouldn't get something as cheap for a week) or stay at home and drink the whisky and eat the charcuterie.

Alternatively pay them what they want (assuming your friend is happy to pay £250) and go but it might be a bit tense given the circumstances.

I agree with others, you’ve changed the holiday by bringing a friend. They don’t know your friend and could be worried if she causes any damage/trouble they will be left with the cost.

The £500 is the charge to the friend, not you.

If it’s normally £1000 they’re still letting you go free but charging half for the other guest.

You said your can’t-go-to-Greece-friend is relaxed about it, has she actually offered you half? Or Is she expecting you to have the choice of you pay or cancel?

I have a few friends with holiday homes and most will not let for free as it gets messy and done have had awful paying guests so have learnt to charge people they don’t know (such as your friend, you know her but they don’t).

I think because you offered to pay £1000, you should pay the £500 or if you cancel don’t use money as an excuse as they will realise you didn’t actually mean your offer of paying, instead just say you and your friend have decided to go somewhere else but you’d like to visit them on your own soon.
But don’t take the whisky! Or gifts..get a refund if you can.

I’ve made the mistake of introducing friends to other friends thinking they’ll get on and it’s early worked out well for done reason so I tend to keep my friendship groups separate.

I agree with others, you’ve changed the holiday by bringing a friend. They don’t know your friend and could be worried if she causes any damage/trouble they will be left with the cost.

Seriously…?

Do you really envisage the friend having a one-woman party while the OP is asleep, inviting a load of randoms, trashing the place, and then running off into the sunset, or something?!

I mean, even if she does - the OP will still be there, and responsible for dealing with any fall out.

Honestly, the scenarios some people dream up…

Being nosey and over invested I checked on vrbo to see what was available in the local area in September. There's very little and what there is is generally over £1k for the week - apart from a lodge at £674.
I suspect the request for money is nothing to do with you or bringing a friend, but they've probably had lots of offers for that week and are regretting turning down that money. In a normal year i.e. not 2020 or 2021, it's likely they wouldn't have rented it at all for that week.

They also don't know that you'd already planned to spend £200 or so in gifts.

Agree though the wording is odd - even if I did decide to charge a friend I'd want them to have a relaxing time so I'd keep the cleaner in place.

Another option- maybe one half of the couple is keener on you than the other, so this is the compromise in charging.

I don't understand why it's an issue OP has invited a friend? Surely they wouldn't have expected her to visit for an extended period alone. In their shoes I would expect a guest to bring a friend so they could go off and do things together as seeing/doing things daily together with the host would be a bit intense! Much better to do 1-2 planned activities and then go off and do your own thing. Unkind if they are charging because they expected OP to do that by herself in another country.

I personally would split it 300/200 or 350/150 in this instance with your friend and do the trip because it sounds amazing. You never know when you get chatting while you're there, there may be an unexpected reason why they're charging. This might have been a tricky dilemma for then too (although they sound a bit grabby!!)

@rookiemere

Being nosey and over invested I checked on vrbo to see what was available in the local area in September. There's very little and what there is is generally over £1k for the week - apart from a lodge at £674. I suspect the request for money is nothing to do with you or bringing a friend, but they've probably had lots of offers for that week and are regretting turning down that money. In a normal year i.e. not 2020 or 2021, it's likely they wouldn't have rented it at all for that week.

They also don't know that you'd already planned to spend £200 or so in gifts.

Agree though the wording is odd - even if I did decide to charge a friend I'd want them to have a relaxing time so I'd keep the cleaner in place.

Another option- maybe one half of the couple is keener on you than the other, so this is the compromise in charging.

I checked on air bnb and for a week in settle with an entire two bed cottage to themselves sleeping two people the most expensive I could find was £170 no matter which week in September I chose.

@rookiemere

Being nosey and over invested I checked on vrbo to see what was available in the local area in September. There's very little and what there is is generally over £1k for the week - apart from a lodge at £674. I suspect the request for money is nothing to do with you or bringing a friend, but they've probably had lots of offers for that week and are regretting turning down that money. In a normal year i.e. not 2020 or 2021, it's likely they wouldn't have rented it at all for that week.

They also don't know that you'd already planned to spend £200 or so in gifts.

Agree though the wording is odd - even if I did decide to charge a friend I'd want them to have a relaxing time so I'd keep the cleaner in place.

Another option- maybe one half of the couple is keener on you than the other, so this is the compromise in charging.

I think this is the key reason for the charge but they are using the friend thing as a shoe horn for raising the issue.

They should have either asked for money up front, without delay or not at all and put it down to experience for the future.

The bad form is on them, not you.

I checked on air bnb and for a week in settle with an entire two bed cottage to themselves sleeping two people the most expensive I could find was £170 no matter which week in September I chose.

Are you sure that's not per night? Was this with service and cleaning fee it total?

I would cancel.

@LimeRedBanana

No, I don’t think it would happen, I’m just giving scenarios the couple could be thinking up. I’ve heard enough horror stories from friends with holiday homes to know the couple have probably learnt to expect the worse from strangers.

It’s why most my friends refuse to let people stay for free.

I personally think the couple are just annoyed the OP was giving their holiday home to someone else for free so is letting her know it’s not her place to do that.

I always think on threads like this that it would be very illuminating to hear the other side's viewpoint.

It seems the OP is very open to meeting new people and potential new friends:

“I thought perhaps there was a way to extend my Settle friends' kindness to include her.

… three people get to have a good time instead of just two, and two of them have the opportunity to make a new friend.”

Other people (myself included) find having other people foisted on them quite stressful and they may feel they have enough friends of their own and don't want a new one (whom they'll probably never meet again).

It's just two different approaches, introvert/extrovert perhaps? Nobody is wrong, just different and both parties have handled it quite awkwardly.

But the OP telling them now that she will get back to them in a few days is unnecessarily mean.

Their invitation was to you, to visit them. I didn't realise at first that you had never been before.

By inviting your friend, and offering to pay, you changed the 'terms of engagement' from you going to stay with your friends to you wanting to use their holiday rental. They may have felt hurt that they thought you were coming to see them, but that actually it was a cheap holiday you wanted. They may have been wrong, but it might have been how they felt after they reflected on the situation.

However they were wrong to attempt to charge you at such short notice.

If I were you I would make an excuse and not go, then visit another time on your own.

@SeoultoSeoul

Is one of them a vicar by any chance we have had very similar happen to us.

How many vicars have over a million pounds in their pension fund?

You’ve taken the piss inviting your friend

@springLikeBunk That Scott Fitzgerald quote is perfect - and very true. And your point about which friends are the more generous.

Argh this is all a mess isn't it. I do agree that the dynamic of the holiday changed when you invited your friend, however I can also completely see, op, why the charge feels like such a kick in the teeth.

Your friends don't sound like particularly great hosts, if I'm honest, as it seems that they like to have their cake and eat it. They like you being there when they want you to be but at the same time they are quite happy to bugger off at the drop of a hat, have you clean the property when leaving (as well as being your own bedding), and pay for them to eat out one night (which admittedly isn't wholly unreasonable). In essence they want you to stay but they don't want to get their hands dirty with all the icky stuff of having you under their feet, cleaning up after you, feeding you, and entertaining you. Which is what most gracious hosts do including yourself for them and their dd in the past. I'm not surprised they were initially excited by this holiday cottage.

Unfortunately the cottage has in their eyes probably turned from a great hands free, no obligation guest suite into a cash cow, especially as it seems that 2021 has been the year for greedy holiday letters, and they are now getting their lines between their new found money making and their former generosity blurred.

Above all though, whatever way you look at it, I think it is very wrong of them to suddenly spring this expense upon you, especially as you still have to clean and bring bedding. They are actually making over half what they would get for it (if it is indeed £1000 pw) as they will have no cleaning fees, laundry fees or agency fees. What your hosts fail to realise is that you may not actually want to spend your holiday money on a stay in Yorkshire.

Op if I were you I'd bow out gracefully, using whatever excuse you can use without ruining the friendship, and do something else with your friend.

I suspect what has happened is that you actually offered to pay and they said they wouldn't take any money but when they discussed it more later on they changed their minds. I would imagine they thought "well she offered to pay since she was bringing a stranger, which is reasonable so I'm sure she will be fine with it". Or maybe even one of them said they wouldn't take any money but hadn't properly discussed it with the other one who then disagreed.

Anyway, if they had agreed to take some money at the time when you offered it I'm sure you would have been ok with it, it is just a bit awkward they have changed their minds later.

Personally I would take the whiskey back or save it for something/someone else. It will seem a bit weird to pay for a holiday and then give the owner a bottle of very expensive whiskey to say thank you.

Firstly, I think it was cheeky to ask to include a friend. Just because you're happy for this to happen to you, doesn't mean anyone else is.

I also think it's cheeky to say ok, then come back with a 50% discount.

However, your "revenge" plan of friend booking elsewhere and you saying you're coming alone, how will it work?

OP: my friend can't come now, I'm coming alone
Cottage owners: oh no, sorry to hear that, still really looking forward to seeing you
OP: is it free now??

What would you do if they didn't mention the cost when you cancel your friend, are you prepared to pay that and the AirBnB? Because unless you're willing to ask them directly about the price waiving then it may be an expensive trick.

It's also a bit awful to do on your behalf. Cancel and book something with your friend or pay and go. Personally, I would cancel as I'd be annoyed at the delay of the price given but I don't think even I would try for "revenge" (and I love a good wind up)

And then if it's still 500, how do you cancel?

Lanique has summarised it beautifully. Bow out now (as gracefully as you can) and go somewhere else with your friend and enjoy it. The trip is ruined now and giving them any money at all will definitely mean the friendship will never recover. It's a shame but perhaps with water under the bridge (and very clear boundaries) you can meet up with them again in the future.

Why ask us? These are not distant people you swap xmas cards with once a year, you said you are in pretty much constant touch messaging and emailing and long chats on the phone.

Just ring them and ask!

"Hi, I was just wondering, why did you insist that you were not going to charge me, then a month later ask me for £500? Is it because I am bringing my friend?" Job done, no need for 523 Mumsnetters to speculate on why!

I think they have behaved appallingly. I can't believe that 12% of posters think you are in the wrong. I'm aghast at that. They are 100% in the wrong.

For all anyone knows, they might have planned to drop you the 500 bomb all along. Nothing to do with your friend coming.

In the original plan, they did NOT expect the OP to be spending all her waking hours in their company -- they made it clear she'd have her own separate cottage and that she would only spend one or two evenings or days with them. Under those circs, the OP is being 100% reasonable to bring a companion because otherwise she'd be alone for 80 to 90 percent of her visit, including any day trips, restaurant meals, as well as the long drive there and back! It is outrageously unreasonable for the hosts to (silently) demand that she be alone for most of her holiday, whilst they have one another for company plus all the friends and co-workers that they spend time with at charity work and golf courses.

OP, once again, just ring them and ask casually, in a friendly tone, why this change of heart. If they are friends they won't be offended. If they are, then its their loss not yours because friends don't do shitty things like this.

You did not charge them a single penny when they stayed at your place! Posters forget that!

Why ask us? AIBU wouldbe pretty dull if people didn't ask us these sorts of things!

I’ve put myself in your friends shoes and I think I’d be pissed off you’d invited a friend. I’m wondering if it’s caused arguments between them. They maybe disagree about how this should work. So charging you £500 is compromise all round. The whole thing isn’t going to work now.
The question now is how to go about cancelling without ruining the friendship.