Friend has decided to charge me to stay

[ploomo]

I have friends (a retired couple) who have several times over the last few years urged me to come and stay with them. They have a very nice old house in the Settle area, with a separate 2-bedroom cottage in the gardens. Since they moved in 2016 it's always been 'Come and stay, we're so lucky to have this place and we want to share it. You can spend time with us but come and go as you please.' Earlier this year they invited me to come in September and I said yes and booked a week's leave.

I have another friend who was due to go away to Greece the same week but cancelled because of potential Covid complications. So I contacted my friends and asked how they would feel if my friend came with me. I emailed saying that I would be very happy to pay to rent the cottage as I would be bringing a stranger, and that we'd bring our own bedding and linen and leave the place scrupulously clean for the next occupants — basically, wanting to cause them as little work or hassle as possible. They emailed back saying they wouldn't take any money, any friend of mine was a friend of theirs. They said they'd host us both for dinner the first night and they'd take us out one day to a place they love, and that we could all go to the pub another night if we liked — but apart from that they just want us to have a good time.

That was more than a month ago. I spent about £150 on some special whisky I know they like and I've ordered some posh local artisan charcuterie and other goodies for them. This morning I've had an email from them saying that now they've had time to think about it, they feel that 'we would like to ask you and your friend to contribute £500 for your stay to cover electricity and other costs. We know that you will leave the place cleaner than you found it which is why we are happy to offer it at a reduced rate.'

I know that over the summer it's been let out for up to £1000 a week, so I suppose this is a good deal but I feel really sick and actually quite shaky about it. It's something about being offered a gift, a sign of appreciation and friendship, and then having it snatched back. I feel I can't really ask my friend to stump up the cash having told her it was free, so I'll have to foot the bill. If it wasn't for my friend really looking forward to it I'd tell them I couldn't come, but I'm going to have to go because of her.

Have they behaved badly or am I over-reacting? Who's BU —me or them?

Whatever their reasons for suddenly charging, it's bad form.

I would not go! There are plenty of hotels in Devon and Cornwall....including meals! They are not your friends!

Hmmmm.. was it 100% confirmed it was initially going to be 100% free for "just you"?

Rich people don't get and stay rich by being relaxed about money - If they're older they are also probably very cautious about being seen as vulnerable and being "mugged off" or "used" . So maybe very mindful about boundaries and being taken advantage of?

So if it was just you, they thought it was "someone like a child or a little girl to them, a niece or cousin" but now they're thinking you're telling all your friends (who they don't know and can't verify) they'll be hosting a partying houseful with boyfriends and dates next....

(obviously this isn't you and isn't your plan but if they're older maybe that's the impression they've got?)

I agree with @thebeatingofthedrums

Just write this off and get a nice holiday somewhere else and resume the friendship later on - for £250 each you could get something cheaper and splash out on food and activities.

Even if the couple did feel that the OP had changed the dynamic by inviting a friend, the fact that she has hosted them and their daughter and grandchildren on separate occasions does make it unfair that they should charge her for the visit.

I can't help thinking that covid has meant they have got a very regular income from the cottage and that it's too tempting to have no income for the week.

If the OP paid the £500 and went as planned, bought the gifts, and did a near professional clean after the visit as they asked her to do, that would come to almost the commercial rate.

I can see how people who live on the coast/in the countryside must feel frustrated if they have lots of visitors who seem to visit more for the location than the pleasure of seeing them but in these circumstances they do 'owe' the OP a visit. I'd be tempted to go somewhere else too if I could find anywhere, somewhere where I did not have to bring my own bed linen and do a commercial quality clean afterwards.

@nettie434

Fitzgerald quote:

"Let me tell you about the very rich. They are different from you and me. They possess and enjoy early, and it does something to them, makes them soft where we are hard, and cynical where we are trustful, in a way that, unless you were born rich, it is very difficult to understand."

My experience (sadly) is well-off people are often coached by their peers and family and social group to be "charming and polite" whilst also very wary and boundaried and cautious of less well-off people?

So there may have been a conversation (with friends or family) about how they need to ask for money "as a matter of principle" or they'll have people coming every year.

(my brokest friends are the most generous...)

Some people just looooove to put the OP in the wrong in any which way possible, don't they.

If the friends felt put upon, then they could have taken up the OP's offer to pay in the first place.
If the friends felt that the OP was "using them" then they could have booked the place out to paying guests and said that it was unavailable.

What the "friends" are doing is capitalising on the OP's visit, which, since they're supposed to be friends, is bad form.

Sounds like the friendship has been damaged now, whatever. In OP's place, I'd be inclined to go elsewhere.

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

Some people just looooove to put the OP in the wrong in any which way possible, don't they.

If the friends felt put upon, then they could have taken up the OP's offer to pay in the first place.
If the friends felt that the OP was "using them" then they could have booked the place out to paying guests and said that it was unavailable.

What the "friends" are doing is capitalising on the OP's visit, which, since they're supposed to be friends, is bad form.

Sounds like the friendship has been damaged now, whatever. In OP's place, I'd be inclined to go elsewhere.

Exactly. If this thread were reversed, the op would be roasted.

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

Some people just looooove to put the OP in the wrong in any which way possible, don't they.

If the friends felt put upon, then they could have taken up the OP's offer to pay in the first place.
If the friends felt that the OP was "using them" then they could have booked the place out to paying guests and said that it was unavailable.

What the "friends" are doing is capitalising on the OP's visit, which, since they're supposed to be friends, is bad form.

Sounds like the friendship has been damaged now, whatever. In OP's place, I'd be inclined to go elsewhere.

+1 to this. The wording used would just annoy me. Hey we are going to charge you five hundred quid AND you had better clean the accommodation. I know you had intended cleaning it anyway but that smacks of putting you in your place. I would cancel the ordered items, and holiday elsewhere.

I think the visit now has to be cancelled. It’s got far too complicated so you need to go back to a zero game. Cut it off. I’d respond “ok I totally understand your position and thanks for the offer. I’m not sure how I feel about paying £500, as it changes the original terms we’d agreed and complicates things with my friend. I’m not sure what’s best now and it’s become too tricky. Let’s cancel please. I will come another time next year on my own. Lots of love”
I think you need to be blunt and honest and direct. I have South African friends and this is how they speak. Blunt and direct and “No I don’t want to do that” and it serves them well in life. Everyone knows where they stand. You are an adult and allowed to say no. No is a complete sentence remember. You could also say
“Ah ok. £500 is a surprise and changes things. I don’t want to pay that. Thank you anyway for the offer. No hard feelings. See you another time soon. All the best”
Job done.
Then book an Airbnb and go enjoy yourselves without onerous expectations

Honestly OP, why on earth did you first offer to pay the whole rent if you can’t afford half of it? You are unfortunately at fault here I’m afraid.

Because she was bringing her friend. She didn't want to take the piss so she offered.

And nowhere does it say the op can't afford it.

They don't sound like a pushover and could have accepted when the op wanted to pay.

Plus if I was paying I would expect bed linen,and the cottage to be cleaned before I go.

Springlike, you have identified exactly the behaviour and demeanour of many rich people.
i too recognise it. but had not put it together like that. spot on. and sad.

OP, don't go. enjoy yourselves, the two of ye, elsewhere.

OP there’s a whole lot of air bnb’s available in theettle are that sleep two for a couple of hundred quid for a week.

And the provide bed linen etc.

Tell your friends you’ll stay elsewhere and arrange to meet them at a mutually convenient date for lunch/a drink (if that’s what you want).

And have a nice holiday with your friend.

OP, just go to a hotel. No cleaning.

The thing this thread shows is how different the two camps are in how they see this. If I found out my friends were in the ‘how very dare you ask, we’re charging $500 and make sure you clean well too’ camp then I’d know we were just too different to maintain the friendship. It’s unfortunate but one of those things.

Don't go. Be open about it and tell them that they initially said it would be free but now they are charging (quite a lot), you and your friend will be looking elsewhere.

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@nettie434

Fitzgerald quote:

"Let me tell you about the very rich. They are different from you and me. They possess and enjoy early, and it does something to them, makes them soft where we are hard, and cynical where we are trustful, in a way that, unless you were born rich, it is very difficult to understand."

My experience (sadly) is well-off people are often coached by their peers and family and social group to be "charming and polite" whilst also very wary and boundaried and cautious of less well-off people?

So there may have been a conversation (with friends or family) about how they need to ask for money "as a matter of principle" or they'll have people coming every year.

(my brokest friends are the most generous...)[/quote]
Think there is a lot of truth in this, very sadly

oh it would have just got too icky and sticky and complicated for me.

If they're your friends and you like them, say no thank you and stay somewhere cheaper. But drop in the whiskey and to say hello whilst you're in town. No hard feelings. Let them reflect on the situation the same way you are doing now.

I just wouldn't want the mental gymnastics that this bill has brought , nor the cleaning tbh.

I agree with Beachdrifting. Clear message.

You have hosted them. You’re not really expecting to be fed. Cleaning fees for Airbnb’s can be over £100. So you’re offering to bring your bedding, deep clean and pay for the place when you’ve had them over for free to your place, being friends.

I totally understand the dynamic changed so I’d send a message like the suggested one above, perhaps adding something about your friend “I know you like your own space so I thought bringing a friend along would provide that whilst keeping me entertained. But I see I misjudged the situation.”

It gives everyone the opportunity to bail out gracefully. And you can see if they do indeed offer for you to come again foc.

What you do next depends on whether you want to continue with this friendship. If you don't, email/text them to say thank you for the offer of the cottage but there's been a change of plan and you won't be able to use it after all (then leave it up to them as to whether you stay in touch or not). If you do value their friendship, leave it until a few days before and email/text them that you've just tested positive and have to isolate, say sorry you won't be seeing them and hope they're well. In the meantime book somewhere far away from Settle for you and your friend. I don't think either of you have behaved badly.

@sunglassesonthetable

oh it would have just got too icky and sticky and complicated for me.

If they're your friends and you like them, say no thank you and stay somewhere cheaper. But drop in the whiskey and to say hello whilst you're in town. No hard feelings. Let them reflect on the situation the same way you are doing now.

I just wouldn't want the mental gymnastics that this bill has brought , nor the cleaning tbh.

Sod dropping in a £150 bottle of whisky that was meant to be a thankyou.

My first plan would be to return it, b, potentially drink it, c, donate it for a raffle if you can find a worthy enough cause, d, keep it if you are likely to visit them again although I probably wouldn't after them pulling this stunt.

@Rugsofhonour

You decided to take someone with you when you were meant to be going to visit your friends. That’s a little odd don’t you think? Just because you’re staying in a part of the house that isn’t connected to the main house, you’re still essentially going to stay with your friends and this extra person is a stranger to them. I wouldn’t dream of taking someone else with me if I was going to visit friends. They invited you because they wanted to spend time with you, not with a stranger. You have completely changed the dynamic and of course their kind offer doesn’t extend to a stranger. You’re taking the piss.

They might have agreed to it initially but they were probably embarrassed that you had been so cheeky and didn’t know what to say. They’ve gone away and discussed it and agreed that you’re using them to get a free holiday for yourself and your friend and it’s no longer a case of you going to visit and spend time with your hosts.

I love love love to host and would never dream of charging pals. But I am afraid I do agree with the above. I think this is exactly how it has played out and that is why they are now charging. Sorry x hope you can bow out gracefully x